[kikki]

In a sense it has helped me to let go and let god and trust in the process...
Hope this makes sense???

Absolutely - it definitely makes sense. 
Hand it over to a power higher than ourselves - that IS a part of our journey 

[bellagio88]

Am having a major dip today - I wish I was stronger. I really really do ..... the calm that I felt yesterday seems to have momentarily vanished - leaving a gaping wound in me....
I hate being like this.
I am understanding more and more about the process and importance of letting go and detaching but it is so hard.
Since I handed back our keys there has been silence and its so painful....
It is almost like we (myself and D) never existed.
I have been busy today - taking boxes to our storage centre, going to the laundrette to do our washing (my washing machine arrives next week) ...
I am changing my address with a lot of companies. That is also very hard.
I am back at my work full time from tomorrow - maybe I am also feeling nervous about that. I have had 4 weeks leave because of the strain and I ma back in the saddle very soon/
I just wanted to share with you all. I am struggling today - missing the man that I thought would be there for us.....
Hugs
B x

[Strongwind]

I am struggling today - missing the man that I thought would be there for us.....

That is the hardest hurdle for me too Bellagio. I have struggled with that for over a year now. It's surreal to have them check out like that as if we never existed. You're not alone. It's very painful but we need to remember that these spouses are not the same people we once knew. Something snaps in them and they change. Another LBS once wrote me: They stay away because they need to justify what their are doing and so contacting us or being civil reminds them of the pain they are causing. They want avoid that. They are in replay and possibly will be for a long time.

Know that you are not alone and that all of us have and are struggling with the pain of this sudden separation from our once loving spouses. It's excruciating but we have no control over them...only over our thoughts and actions. You're doing well. Know that. (((hugs)))  SW

[bellagio88]

Thank you so much StrongWind - for your support.
We all know how much each others support means at times like this....
I am reminded today of two facts -
firstly my D and I were in australia visiting my near 90 year old grandfather who is dying - he is getting weaker and weaker by the minute....
he was extremely ill and in a huge amount of pain and suffering when were were in Oz over Xmas.
I told WAP that by text and I received no acknowledgment of my grandfather at all/
The last day D and I saw him was a day after BD and i was completely traumatised.
I am struggling with knowing that that is the last I will see of him.....
I am struggling to think that WAP, who has STAYED with my grandparents a few years ago and was generous and kind to them - did not even acknowledge this was going on.
In fact he said he told me by email in Oz "so that D and i would have the support of my family"
What - for 5 days before we had to fly home. With my family already in upset re my grandfather.
This is hurting me today.
WAP and I (I am a pianist) had three concerts booked (one late January - two this month) and he asked me in the BD email whether I thought we should proceed with them (that it would be professional etc).
I cannot BELIEVE he would think that it is right to rehearse with me, on a daily basis, after dropping the bomb and having an affair with OW>
Is this all part of the MLC'ers delusion and crazy thinking.
I just DONT GET IT...
I miss my grandfather - sorry everyone
x

[Strongwind]

you don't need to be sorry. Come here to vent as much as you like. We are like minded and know what you're struggling with.

They all act as if this is no big deal. They have to. To justify their behavior. It's all ok. Sure??? Our lives is in shambles and we are traumatized because our H's have turned into aliens and we should just go on as always?

If you let them know that you're not well they also give advise on what you can do to feel better but don't take responsibility for causing this enormous trauma. My H brought me some Xanax and said I should take em, than brought me some weed, which he took back when he realized I wasn't using it. I was shocked. In his eyes nothing that traumatic had happened?? Bat $h!te crazy!!! (sorry for my French) Don't listen to a word they say...they make no sense and most of what they say and do is nonsense. My H asked me to babysit the dog because he was going on vacation with OW and since I didn't let him know that I knew he said he was going on a business trip. I kept my mouth shut about what I knew just to see how much he could lie and how good.
As he left the house after dropping the dog I said: "Well, have fun" I smiled but inside I was breaking up. He responded with a sad puppy look:  "Yea sure it's not fun" He took a stack of playing cards from the house and I asked him. Why do you need cards if you're going alone to your business trip. He responded: I like to practice on my own. They act as if we are mom...as teenagers do.  Please don't let his action determine your worth. I did. I didn't have this forum at the time. Stay connected with us and let him go as much as you can. They are not in their right mind right now. Not easy, I know, but necessary for your sanity. (((hugs)))

[bellagio88]

I went to work today and spoke with my boss - he is a wonderful man and has agreed that I can work from home to fulfill all of my work responsibilities for the next week or so. We drafted a plan of action and he was happy with that.
He could see that I needed some more space. I do believe that God was stepping in. So I am grateful.
Strongwind - thanks for your feedback -  I too am amazed at how many similarities there are between all of us in terms of what we experience etc.
I DO NEED TO DETACH.
I am struggling hard today - I have strong feelings and I am a very feeling person to begin with. I know that there are no guarantees.
It is hard to acknowledge that but I have to accept it with grace and understanding of the bigger picture.
I drove home from work today and sobbed. I asked God for assistance, for help in finding my own strength, my own calm and peace. To let WAP walk his own path without disruption and trusting in the process.
I wish I was stronger but I have to remember it is less than 5 weeks since BD.
I am going to read all of the suggestions re Depression. I do think the more educated I am in this area the more calm I will find. The fact that WAP has himself admitted to being depressed is a good start.
I will post more later - re thoughts etc. Thank you for your support everyone.
Bx

[bellagio88]

Hi everyone,
Just touching base - am working away on things and have stopped for lunch.
the wave of sadness has hot me - I have been busy up toll now but I am flooded with tears....
just wanted to reach out to people who understand how hard this is - 5 weeks since BD.
I have to keep reminding myself that i am doing well - that I am keeping myself and d going.....
Trying so hard to detach....
Have been reading quite a bit over the last few days about male depression and it fits so many gaps that have been gaping open for the past year - it makes sense of things that I simply didnt understand at the time.
Understanding this is a comfort but it doesnt take away the pain of their indifference and running away...
Needing a wee bit of support.....
Thanks everyone
B x

[Darth Obo]

- 5 weeks since BD.

bellagio,

Hang in there. it's all still raw for you after 5 weeks. Focus on YOU and your GAL! Take care of yourself. It will get easier. I am 6 months since my wife dropped the bomb and honestly its been in the last couple months that I have been able to really detach and not cycling with her is easier. Keep reading the articles and other sources; it helps! Keep venting it out here for support!


-OneByOne-

[bellagio88]

Thank you onebyone thank you for the support
I feel quite isolated today - not that I haven't had contact with people but i feel isolated in that my friends and family can only understand this specific type of grief to a certain point.
Many of them, I am sure, quietly assume that it is another normal breakup
But it isn't. It just isn't.
I am trying to GAL and put myself and D first - I am no contact/dark and am not wanting to make contact.
neither is WAP at the moment
The wisdom here, for myself and D, is top detach and let him travel his journey......act as if he will never come back.
I am trying to do that but I struggle - with BD it was all too sudden.....I read somewhere that that is the difference between a normal breakup and MLC - BD....
It feels like such a severing and such a change from the person that I knew (or thought I did) - i know other people here are feeling this too.
It is so hard to make sense of this journey
B x

[Strongwind]

Dear Bellagio, Yes, their journey is our challenge. The only people who are living this nightmare can see that this is not a normal breakup. It's NOT a normal breakup!!! People try to make sense of this by stating that the divorce rate is 50% 60% 70% in US because in their own way they want to reassure us with statistics and that this is normal.  Our H or W's change completely...We can't even see a trace of the person we thought we knew for years. It's difficult to come to term with this. It can drive us bonkers. Fortunately, we can come here, read and learn and get the support and reassurance we need.

You're not alone we can understand what you're going through. The change that our spouses go through in MLC is shocking.  As you read other LBS's story, you will find similarities and, as sad as it is, we can at least know that this is not our fault and it's their problem. Take care of your heart first and formost. May God protect your heart each and every day as you trust in the process one day a time...one hour at a time....(((hugs))) Sw