[Strongwind]

Maybe I am just not wanting to think that what they have is "true love"......My view is that he has lied to so many people about the truth of her (including his best friend) - if it were THAT important why would it need to be so secretive?

I think they keep it a secret because they are feeling ashamed. They can justify it as much as they want to but we all know what is right and wrong. Their love or infatuation, is not clean, not sane. It's dirty full of lies deceit and hiding. We can't hurt someone else and not hurt ourselves. Another way of putting it: We can't build a castle on a ruin and we can't build happiness at the cost of another person's pain. Life isn't fair but things have a way of coming back around so that we can grow and learn.

We all struggle with wanting to help the MLcer but this is a journey he must take on his own. Being selfish now, like SSG wrote, is imperative for you now. Take care of you and let God take care of the MLcer. (((hugs))) XO  SW

[bellagio88]

Thank you Strong Wind - that was really sound advice and was a very helpful reminder that the OW is a self medication device.
My WAP has known OW for about a year and I know that he has travelled to her house???> to give her singing lessons - they have also been at certain concerts etc with other people that they know - she has travelled to see him perform - usually when i am not thee./
I am trying to not think that this has been going on for a while but I guess it is possible
what I DO know is that , if it was (and it probably was) happening before BD then he would have been feeling guilt and shame.
I made it clear from the day I met WAP - I can cope with almost anything - just not cheating.
I just cant accept it......I can understand it though....
He knew this and, outwardly, accepted it.
So - the irony is now/..........
They have been completely covert about this - WAPs bets friend was CONVINCED - about 4 weeks ago - that WAP was not involved with anyone outside of our relationship. Why - because WAP apparently looked him in the face and ASSURED him that this was the case.
So - even after 8 days after BD he was still wanting to keep it a secret...
To add fuel to the mix, when I returned to the UK on Jan 6th, and went to collect the first of our things from WAPs house (essential items) there was a photo of a woman on WAPs desk.
I have never seen her before.
And - this is NOT the OW he was with in the hotel over the weekend of 4/5 Jan.
So its POSSIBLE that there is more than one OW...
This is already out of control let alone thinking that there is more than one.
Its almost easier for me to understand his need to run if there is more than one.
How could he cope??
Perhaps when they are in the depths of REPLAY/Depression - they can cope with the weirdest and most crazy things...
x

[in it]

Yep- it's their DRAMA leave them to it and be thankful you are away from it.
Keep the focus on you and don't try to understand it. You may in time.

 You are spending valuable energy on trying to figure it out and he isn't worth it.
Focus on you and your D.

He's a musician? That should be your first clue- he's all about him. He's probably going to collect women before he's too old to do that.

[bellagio88]

He has updated his Facebook page and has taken me off as "being in a relationship"....
I usually never check Facebook and usually don't worry about it...
Now I am being silly but it is a jolt......
I must focus on myself and D...
INIT - you are right - I am expending valuable energy....
Just feeling a bit silly and sad.....
Yes - he is a singer - very centrered on his singing and his image - especially probably with women....
I need to detach more now - for my won sake...

[bellagio88]

Ok - I am now realising the vital importance of letting go- going dark/NC etc...
I have a sneaking suspicion that if I dont I am going to be hit with further upsetting news (for some reason) - its just a feeling.....
I am sitting here and my overwhelming feeling is that I need to really really move out of this space re WAP
I am concerned I am going to go through more hurt otherwise...and I REALLY cant at the moment....
Blast - I was doing really well today but i am suddenly derailed...
Trying really hard here...

Thanks everyone for your suppport

[in it]

You mean the apt you just moved into?

STAY OFF FACEBOOK!!!!

NOW these guys egos NEED TO BE FED.

NO MORE POTENTIAL OR PRACTISING OR PROFESSIONAL MUSICAINS FOR ME anyway.

They are so self centered and narcissistic you will NEVER be able to get through to him.

ESPECIALLY VOCALISTS!

Have a party and celebrate not having anything to do with him.

He's on his way down a lonely deluded road. YOU have a life. He's getting his FEED from the outside.

((((HUGS))))

[bellagio88]

No - not moving out of the space (apt)!!! - just moving out of the EMOTIONAL space I have been in....
I agree - I actually dont usually go on Facebook at all - I dont like it - it bothers me and I think many people can get the wrong impression when people post on there......I used to post quite a bit but not any more.....
You are right - he is getting his feed from the outside - I have to believe in myself and my D more at this time.......
I have worked with singers for most of my life - I am well used to their personalities and, to be honest, some of them are my dearest friends......but i am well used to handling their particular personalities...
I guess I am realising that, for my own health and well being - that I need to remove myself emotionally.
I am not sure how you (INIT) or anyone else sits here with this but you get to the point where you cant handle any more pain and upset - you need some respite.
WAP is completely silent so at least I am not having to deal with boomerang/monster etc.....it does afford me the space to readjust and find my centre and my strength.....
Thank you for your support everyone
x

[in it]

I am not sure how you (INIT) or anyone else sits here with this but you get to the point where you cant handle any more pain and upset - you need some respite.

EXACTLY! And that's the "letting go" point AFTER you've had ENOUGH pain that's it. There's no place to go but up.

I haven't talked or spent anytime with my 2 D's since this happened. And it killed me for a while and now? it's simply something I've accepted also. I tried to reach out to them a couple of times in emails. They want things on their own terms. it ain't happening.

They WERE my whole life and now treat me like $h!te- so forget that too.

They've been with their entitled attitude father too long he managed to undo in 9 months any good I tried to do in 20 years. They are brainwashed into thinking I'm crazy.

So there's nothing to do but stay on the path I'm on. Keep your D close. You two can get strength and joy from each other.

((((HUGS))))

[bellagio88]

Am feeling a little calmer - thanks Init....
I am surprised at my wobbly - I thought I was more settled than tat.
Do any of you also experience these set backs/wobbly moments? When info/events come left of centre and you are not prepared (I guess BD is a prime example!)
I am slowly but surely accepting that we have no place in WAPs life now and vice versa...
It is a hard reality to come to terms with after only a few weeks. But it is the truth.
He has chosen a different life and he does not want us to be part of it.
And, if there is TRULY depression underlying this - then we are best not to be around him either.
Tough tough day - I am grateful for the support
x

[in it]

I am slowly but surely accepting that we have no place in WAPs life now and vice versa...

FOCUS on the vice versa part - more than half of this is you do not want him in YOUR LIFE not that he doesn't want you in his.

Who wants an aging depressed musician in their life? You want and deserve to be happy. SO DOES YOUR DAUGHTER. Seeing you like this won't help her.

 Cry do whatever you need to get through this. But try not to waste anymore POSTIVE energy in his direction.

You'll have triggers and he'll take up headspace for a while. NO MORE relationships UNTIL you can see what respect and a healthy relationship is FOR YOU!

(((HUGS)))