[Ready2Transform]

Just chiming in too, SW, to commend you on your bravery for telling your story!  You've processed a LOT.   {{{hugs}}}

[Strongwind]

Bellagio, I'm not very good at answering your questions on the standing part. I'm confused as how to stand too. I once got a post from a LBS saying that real meaning of STANDING is really standing for ourselves more than standing for our spouse. Standing for ourselves? I thought. However it's true. If we don't learn to stand on our own and become the person we really are, we cannot stand for our spouse.

God is merciful and gracious and loves us. He knows all things but he does give everyone free will. I wish he didn't in this case  but He does. Let your WAP go through his own journey as you go through yours. Mirror work is for us LBS. I'm not there yet. I've just began to look at me and to get a sense of what I'm really about. I think a lot of us here lose a part of ourselves and God is trying to nudge to find that part and love ourselves for who we are. He loves us and he says in this Word, which he set high above his name, that we can only love another to the measure in which we love ourselves. Love your neighbor as your self. Husband love your wives as you love yourselves.
 
Ephesians 5
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansingb her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband

Our MLCer does not love himself right now and therefore cannot love us. He needs to go through his journey of confusion, fog, denial and find his way to his heart. Pray for him. I know it's difficult to pray for them but that allows God to do his work in him.  Sorry I don't have many answers for this. I can only expand on my understanding of this issue. Much love (((hugs))) SW

[Courageous wife]

Awesome post SW!!!  Thank you for sharing!

For the people here who are standing - how do you get through the times when it is most dark, where there is No contact when the WAh/P/W is ADAMANT that it is done, over, finished. When another person is involved?
Is this the meaning of letting go and letting God? So that he can quietly work behind the scenes on then WAH/W/P and the LBS?

You gotta keep busy...surround yourself with good friends...exercise...try new things etc.  I only seem to get sad is when I am alone!  And yes, accepting that there is nothing you can do for your H and letting God take care of him and concentrating on you is letting go!!!

[Strongwind]

You gotta keep busy...surround yourself with good friends...exercise...try new things etc.  I only seem to get sad is when I am alone!  And yes, accepting that there is nothing you can do for your H and letting God take care of him and concentrating on you is letting go!!!

Courageous Wife has good advice here. I know how hard it is to follow though. When this tragedy hits, we want to crawl under a rock and pretend it's not happening. I had to reach out because I felt so lonely and desperate. I was so scared and shocked. Trying new things it's still hard for me. I'm very unmotivated as I use to do everything with him. I realize after a year that we don't easily step out of our comfort zone. Having God take care of him is the only way to go because you cannot do it. All you have control over now is yourself. I know it's so hard but you can do this Bellagio. One day at a time....you'll make it through this, stay connected to others who can understand and who have gone through this before you. You and your D is what matters most now. (((BIG HUG))) SW

[UKStander]

The book Broken Heart on Hold is such a comfort.....it really brings you back into the space of trusting God and the bigger/picture and process.
It does give hope to the pained and wounded.....
Rook mentions a number of success stories and, likewise reading through success stories here on the site it does give a sense of possibility.
For the people here who are standing - how do you get through the times when it is most dark, where there is No contact when the WAh/P/W is ADAMANT that it is done, over, finished. When another person is involved?

Hi Bellagio

I LOVE that book, Broken Heart On Hold. It is the one I turn to when I wake in the night (something I do less now than in the early days - sleep WILL return, I promise you).  Yes, she talks of what is possible, but she also gets the pain, and knows how we feel.

The way I got through was the books and articles to be honest. Understanding. The more I understood mlc, the more I really took on board that it was NOT about me. I was OK. My H was very damaged. This was bound to happen, whoever he had married. Understanding = power. You will find the books that most help you. Look at the book list here. But I recommend the work of Jed Diamond, Terrence Real, Alice Miller.  And, actually, right now - because it's short and you can get it as an ebook quite cheaply, try Bob Steinkamp's book about 'The Prodigal'. I can't remember the exact title now but you'll know it when you find it. It's very Christian - very much so, in a very strong way. But even if that doesn't talk to you, what he's saying about how the mlc is feeling will help you, I think. Another one to get:  "I Do, Again".  It is about a woman who is WAW, and regrets it and returns.

Whilst we are all advised that we cannot guarantee a return, the chances of a return seem to me quite high IF you can settle your mind - over time, not in a week! - and become the 'safe place' that they need to return to. They are lost, rudderless, and actually we have to be strong - we have to gain the conviction of knowing what we're talking about when they return - with love, patience, firmness but kindness. 

How do we keep going?  The knowledge of what we had, as RCR told me, is what keeps us going. If there was that deep-seated bond, then it's very hard to forget or replace.  So, we leave the door open. But eventually, as we heal, we also just, well, get on with things while we are 'waiting' . . .

Trust the process. MLC takes TIME. These are mantras. Pin some up close to your bed so you see them in the morning or in middle of night when you wake in a panic. This helped me.

Your H loves you - if he didn't, he wouldn't be lashing out at you. Gradually, as you read, you will realise the truth of this.

Love and hugs.  You'll come through. 

[Strongwind]

Hi Bellaggio,

UKS has some great advice...The LBS here have so much insight and wisdom. I guess that is why this site is called the Hero's Spouse 

try Bob Steinkamp's book about 'The Prodigal'. I can't remember the exact title now but you'll know it when you find it. It's very Christian - very much so, in a very strong way.

I think it's called the Prodigal's Pen by Bob Steinkamp. Go to Charlyne Cares or Rejoice Ministries. I have not read it but I'm going to start reading some of these books. My issue is that I'm quite a bit older than my H and if I wait to long I may end up alone for the rest of my life. He is the only man I'd like to be with but he is off with a younger woman and this makes it even harder for me. 

I never thought that I would be spending so much effort and time researching about what my H is going through and doing. I few years ago my head and thoughts were in my text books, exams and school. Sometimes I wonder if I had been more present for my H if MLC would reared its ugly head? From what I understand MLC would have happened no matter what I did. That should help us understand that we didn't cause it and we can't stop it. I can honestly say that coming to this forum help me get through so much. Reading, understanding and praying are the things that help me make this unbearable time somewhat bearable. I listen to Christian rock music and started going to Church when I don't have to work. I need support, community and most of all I need God in my life....I know I can't do this alone.

I think of you Bellaggio during my day. I know how difficult it is right now. With time it's not going to feel quite the same way. Sometimes it still feels it's all just too much to take...but God says in His Word that he will never allow us to be tempted above what we can handle. I couldn't even watch TV at the beginning or listen to music....This too shall pass. Rest in God's loving arms. He will care for you and be your helper. (((hugs)))  SW

[bellagio88]

Thank you so much everyone. I am away with D as I performed in a concert last night - the one that WAP and I were supposed to be found together - the organiser found another singer. It is literally 10 mins from WAPs sisters house and twenty minutes from where I know ow lives/ lived with her husband.
I played well last night but am in pain.
I keep being reminded of his words at bd -
I want 2014 to be a year of rejuvenation and new beginnings and that means that some doors must close.
I also am pretty sure that WAP is with ow this weekend at a yoga retreat.
I am reading from the bible and trying to pass this over to god.
I am trying to trust in the bigger picture - I need to turn more to god.
I am messaging from my phone but will write more when I get home. I truly of not know what I would go without this site and all of this support at the moment.
The situation feels bleak
Xx

[bellagio88]

I had a friend have a chat with me over the last few days / they do not think WAP is MLC as we have been together for 3 years and he is in an affair/ relationship - I think they believe it's more pd.
I know I have thought about this but I  still sure that this is MLC.
The change in him is extreme / he fits almost every part of the script .
The affair is the hardest part in some ways / he is doing that too .
It's been lovely seeing friends this weekend but to be honest I just want to be home and spending time with d and by myself.
I am trying to take things one moment at a time.
UKS - have been thinking about your remarks re WAP still loving me. I just don't see it. He has told me he doesn't have any feelings for me and he is completely silent / no contact - he emailed me twice a week ago lashing out but that was in relation to me moving my things out.
Now there is silence so he isn't taking anything out on me.....
I do know though that he loved me very much. Before this crisis.
Thanks everyone
X

[in it]

He's more interested in being adored more than anything-if she wasn't into yoga? He probably wouldn't be..unless he was before this.

 If she was into rock climbing he's be doing that. She the lead dog in this. He's trying to find himself by following HER.

Remember Yoko Ono and how much people hated her? Well this is about the same thing-he needs to be adored and lead and paid attention to every single second.

You'll find someone else.. first question out of your mouth should be "are you a frustrated musician"? It will explain a lot about their personality.

Again what's going on between them isn't the issue. Focus on you and your D. 

[Strongwind]

Bellagio,

the affair is certainly the hardest part of MLC for the spouse or partner. It's important for all of us to let them go to figure all this out for themselves. They will need to understand that the grass isn't greener on the other side and sooner or later come to terms with their inner struggles. What is he doing now, like In it said, getting adoration and praise and feeling accepted is part of the process in replay. They just need to go through this as part of their crisis. However this plays out for you will ultimately be in God's hands. I'm glad you are wanting to have a good year and detach. You seem very smart and you are on the right track. Keep concentrating on you. My H is doing the same thing. He does not contact me unless there is a practical issue to take care of. It hurts because of the love they once felt for us doesn't seem apparent to us anymore. The truth is they have fallen out of love with themselves and we are only collateral damage. Stay strong and learn to fall back in love with you.
I like this little prayer that I learned in Al anon years ago.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. ...and wisdom to know the difference.

(((Big Hug))) SW