[SSG]

Thanks so much for your5v reply - I have followed your sitch with interest as our WAP/H are around the same age - at first I was unsure whether a 62 man could be in MLC (WAPs age) but I realise age does not come into it with MLC...
In my case WAP and OW have known each other for about a year - she has been having lessons with him for about 8 months......
Its possible that she was sinking her claws in and he was feeling more and more crappy.
by all accounts he has been unhappy in her own marriage.
but lets be honest here - two unhappy people - how can that really work in the long run???
My friend said that, in her opinion, there is NO way that OW would ultimately leave her husband - that she seems to sensible to do that???
More than any of this I know that whatever plans/hopes OW pins on WAP - at the end of the day WAP cannot be AVAILABLE to anyone - he is in the midst of the crisis and will tire of her before he runs to his next "passion" to fill his empty void.
I know how much D and I meant to him. So therefore if he could dispense with us this easily he can do the same to her - once the gloss wears off - possibly when it becomes public and the covert excitement is no longer there...
What do you all think??
Maybe I am just not wanting to think that what they have is "true love"......My view is that he has lied to so many people about the truth of her (including his best friend) - if it were THAT important why would it need to be so secretive?
B x

Well my husband has lied to everyone, incl. OW.    And my H OW...did leave her husband of 26 years and Divorced him a year ago, only 9 months after the affair with H started. 

At BD, when he said he thinks he is depressed and having a MLC, I said he was too old for one.  But after doing research, sure enough, they have something called a Silver MLC.  Obviously that applies to your sitch as well

From reading the FB messages last year, she was depressed.  Sometimes writing "Something inside of me is broken, hard to explain".

And no, two unhappy people, that begin a relationship with lying and cheating will not make it.  If it gives you any hope, I see evidence of this in H now.  What was a great life last year, when OW had excess money, is a lot different now that he lives with her, in a country where he cannot speak the language and her excess money?  No longer there.  So for both of them, it is real life, with real problems...basically he walked into a sitch that he also left.

 It took me awhile to agree with a lot of what I read here...but I see it in action now.  I just have to wait it out but in the meantime get on with my life.  My husband has become more distant and cold; the longer he stays with OW, the worse he gets.  I am waiting for the big CZ Republic meltdown   

SSG

[Strongwind]

I'm having a little difficulty understanding some of your abbreviations. Whar is WAP? CZ?

We can't be absolutely sure that this sudden change in our H's or W's is due to MLC. But the depression is a very good explanation for the unbelievable changes. It's an urge to return to younger days. To be in love or infatuated. Life has become stale for them and they want to change everything, hoping it will bring the thrill for life again. The sense of feeling alive. Somehow they feel as if they are running out of time.

The reason I'm writing these things is because I went through it. My 1st ex is bipolar. I really didn't think anything was wrong when I left him. I felt justified for my actions. We had gone through some big changes. We lived in Italy, my 1st ex is American but he had a great job in Italy. A year or so before my MLC set in, I had some big disappointments. We had to move back to US, he was on Lithium and I lived in an area I didn't want to be in. I didn't realize how all those changes had impacted my psyche?

My current MLcer was once the alienator OM. I was taken by his attention and total devotion and admiration. I felt like a college student again. I rented an apt with the help of my 1st ex but he and my son (didn't divorce him for 2 years) were  living only a few blocks away from me. My son was over 18yo at the time. After 3 or 4 years, I moved away leaving my ex and my son behind and in with my current MLcer. As routine set in with him my feelings of utter desperation, loneliness and depression set in. i didn't understand why I felt so empty. I felt joy for nothing yet I had a young husband that loved me and gave me everything I wanted. More than I could hope for. He did everything for me but nothing gave me joy. He always put me on a proverbial pedastal and I could do not wrong. I felt smothered by him in the beginning but as time went on I would push him away. I felt that deep inside I disliked myself. I didn't know what I wanted anymore, what I liked and I felt apathetic. Everything I did was a push. I struggled with depression for a long time. I went to see therapists but nothing helped. I felt a big void inside that nothing and no one could fill. I wrote a poem during that period called "The desert of my life" That poem, I feel, described the saga of the crisis of depression. Therapists don't really understand MLC. They actually seem to make things worse.

I've never acted as a monster but I acted as a rebel. I had previously cared about how people viewed me until then. I defied everyone and didn't care what anyone thought of me. I felt entitled to finally be happy and no one was going to stop me. I stayed connected with my 1st ex and we stayed friends but, only now after 16 years, I am truly understanding the pain that I've caused. I was on a run-away train and could not stop it. It's sad to understand this now. I wasted all those years not being happy, not enjoying the good things I had.  

It's very difficult for me to share this on this forum because I'm not proud of having caused pain for important people in my life and as a LBS on this forum, I understand how it is to be in both positions. I'm not sure if this makes sense but knowing what my H is going through now, actually makes it harder for me, if that's possible.

Bellagio, I hope this helps and may answer some questions. MLC is not rare. More and more individuals are going through it. Our society encorages depression. We are loosing our community sense. TV has taken the place of meaningful conversations. We escape pain.  Individual are not feeling connected to nature and others like they use to. There is a undercurrent of dissatisfaction that lead to questioning.....Fertile grounds for MLC/depression. 

It's hard to be away from our partner whom we thought was going to be there for life. It feels like a big part of us gets ripped out and knowing that they are with someone else, is nearly unbearable. It's hard not to think of them, what they're doing, how they're thinking...what they are saying. We have lots of Whys that we can't really answer.  It's difficult but life has a way of going on, even if we don't want it to sometimes. You have a beautiful D, I'm sure. Stay close to her and know that all you and your H once had was not just a dream. This is what they are going through and we have no control over it. One LBS once adviced me: One day at a time, sometimes an hour or a minute at a time if you have to. Others here have gotten through this and are still standing, you will too. (((BIG HUG))) SW

[calamity]

Thanks for sharing that SW.  You are very brave.

[SSG]

I'm having a little difficulty understanding some of your abbreviations. Whar is WAP? CZ?

We can't be absolutely sure that this sudden change in our H's or W's is due to MLC. But the depression is a very good explanation for the unbelievable changes. It's an urge to return to younger days. To be in love or infatuated. Life has become stale for them and they want to change everything, hoping it will bring the thrill for life again. The sense of feeling alive. Somehow they feel as if they are running out of time.

My current MLcer was once the alienator OM. We fell in love. I was taken by his attention and total devotion and admiration.  i didn't understand why I felt depressed. I felt joy for nothing yet I had a young husband that loved me and gave me everything I wanted. More than I could hope for. He did everything for me. Nothing gave me joy. I struggled with depression for a long time. I went to see therapists but nothing helped. It was like a big big void inside that nothing and no one could fill. wrote a poem during that period called "The desert of my life" In that poem,I feel, described the saga of the crisis of depression. Therapists don't really understand MLC. They actually seem to make things worse.

I've never acted as a monster but I acted as a rebel. I had previously cared about how people viewed me until MLC.I defied everyone and didn't care of what anyone thought of me. I felt entitled to finally be happy and no one was going to stop me.  I was on a run away train and could not stop. It's sad to understand this now. I wasted all those years not being happy, not enjoying the good things I had. 

It's very difficult for me to share this on this forum because I'm not proud of how I've hurt important people in my life. It seems like this was ages ago. Yet very much present in my mind. Knowing what my H is going through now, actually makes it harder for me, if that's possible.

Bellagio, I hope this helps you get some answers. MLC is not rare. More and more individuals go through this. Our society is encouraging depression. We are loosing our community sense. TV has taken the place of meaningful conversations. Individual are not feeling connected to nature and others like they use to. There is a undercurrent of dissatisfaction that lead to questioning.....Fertile ground for MLC. 

It's hard to be away from our partner whom we thought was going to be there for life. Top with knowing hat he or she is with someone else, it's nearly unbearable. It's hard not to think of him, them, what they're doing, how they're thinking saying., why?  It's difficult but life has a way of going on, even if we don't want it to sometimes. You have a beautiful D, I'm sure. Stay close to her and know that all you and your H once had was not just a dream. One day at a time maybe an hour or a minute at a time. Others here have gotten through this and we will too. (((BIG HUG))) SW

Wow Strongwind...it sounds like you described my H to a 't'.  No kidding...I felt as if I was reading about him.  He also never monstered...just rebelled and still doing so.  When I told him once what his friends thought of what he was doing, he shrugged his shoulders and said it was his personal life and he didn't care.  Remarked about an older friend of ours who died suddenly of cancer...then loudly stated "I have to find my way".

I have come to terms with a lot of what has happened.  Only the longer he is under OW "aura" the more of a stranger he becomes.  And CZ Republic is a country to the east of Germany.  I also do not know what WAP is... 

Did your young husband fight for you? Just curious for my own personal reasons.

SSG

[bellagio88]

Hi Strongwind - am in the middle of getting D ready for school - will post in a minute or so..
WAP is Walk out Partner (we never married so I cant call him H)
Just to say initially - you are a brave and courageous woman.
Thank you for sharing with everyone...
More soon
x

[Strongwind]

yes SSG my husband fought for me a lot. He was very insecure. Overly attentive to a point of smothering me. I felt it was too much at times. My ex was coming often to the house and my now current H would listen to our conversation from the front door without me knowing. (I had a back door and front door in my flat). He was constantly calling me and tried to occupy all my time. I have to say I was relieved sometimes when he left to go home. I never had him sleeping with me. I probably wouldn't have left my ex if he had not been in my life and so available. He lied and worked very hard to get to be with me. Only difference is that when he would make negative remarks about my ex, I would get angry with him. After he saw that I didn't encourage it, he kept doing it but in a more camouflaged way. He would paint a picture of my ex that reinforced all my reasons for leaving him.

I wonder if he sees a little of himself now in the OW???  I was the victim and he my knight in shining armor... saving me from a bad marriage. My marriage had not been a walk in the park either. My ex was drinking for a long time and self medicating. Changed careers every 6 months...I was on a roller-coaster with my ex. It really felt as if my now Mlcer seemed like my price for all the uncertainty and pain I had gone through with my ex. I hope this helps ....However, All the pain I had gone through with my 1st ex does not beat the pain I'm feeling with my current H's abandonment and betrayal. hugs SW

[bellagio88]

Strongwind ,
Thanks so much, also SSG - thank you all for your posts.
I was very moved to hear your story Strongwind - it must have been so difficult for you. You also have a relatively unique insight into the depression/MLC thing so what you have to say here is very important. Thank you.
I did not sleep well last night - in turmoil - sweating, pain etc.
I got up this morning quite early and sat with my self and my pain. I realised that I cant carry it any longer. My suffering has been too great over the last few weeks. I then remembered "Broken Heart on Hold" and started to read it again.
It reminded me of Gods place in all of this.
It reminded me that I havent handed this over to God - and i think now is the time. I have reached the point where I cant do it any longer.
I have sat here quietly with myself and spoken out - asked God for his help.  I have had a sense of calm which I havent felt in days.
I guess this is all part of letting go and letting God do His work.
I realise that is all I can do. Nothing I do or say will make a difference to WAP now. Our lives are separate. There is no obvious need for communication now or in the future.
I now want to use this time to be the best person i can be and be the best mother I can be.
If it is Gods will, for WAP to ever be in contact again, then i need to trust that it will happen. I have nothing left to do or give.
Would appreciate thoughts?
B x

[Strongwind]

It reminded me of Gods place in all of this.
It reminded me that I haven't handed this over to God - and i think now is the time. I have reached the point where I cant do it any longer.
I have sat here quietly with myself and spoken out - asked God for his help.  I have had a sense of calm which I havent felt in days.
I guess this is all part of letting go and letting God do His work.

It's the only thing that helps me Bellaggio. Giving it the God, helps me feel empowered in an odd way. I feel that it's no longer in my hands but His. He needs to see me through this struggle. God says that he will never leave us nor forsake us and when I forget that and start taking control of the situation, I fall on my face. It's challenging. There are days in which I don't feel Him near me. A Christian friend often tells me. "Fall in love with God again"

My favorite verse when I feel confused and discouraged is: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him ...and He shall direct your path. I make an effort to give all my cares to him and talk to Him often as if he is my friend. I'm not always successful but, when I do,...I feel a peace that surpasses all understanding. Have a sweet sleep tonight. (((hug))) 

[bellagio88]

I dont think I have truly handed it over to God until now. I have understood what it means to do it but I havent been able to - maybe as you say because we think we know better and can control things.
I now know I just cant.
Strongwind I am so worn out - mentally, emotionally etc. So many tears, pain etc.
this is not unique of course - everyone here is going through similar feelings (or have done along their journey)....
At this stage i want some peace - there have been moments where I have felt close to God and i have felt a sense of calm and trust - it has made me stronger. I know what you mean.
And yes, sometimes I dont feel he is there. I feel alone trying to make sense of WAP and what has happened. That is when the pain of his MLC/OW etc rears its ugly head and I become overwhelmed.
Thank you for the scripture - I have some in my bookcase and i will read them a bit later.
I just cant carry the pain alone any more.
Thanks for listening
x

[bellagio88]

The book Broken Heart on Hold is such a comfort.....it really brings you back into the space of trusting God and the bigger/picture and process.
It does give hope to the pained and wounded.....
Rook mentions a number of success stories and, likewise reading through success stories here on the site it does give a sense of possibility.
For the people here who are standing - how do you get through the times when it is most dark, where there is No contact when the WAh/P/W is ADAMANT that it is done, over, finished. When another person is involved?
Is this the meaning of letting go and letting God? So that he can quietly work behind the scenes on then WAH/W/P and the LBS?
x