[Strongwind]

So, in a sense, I have been round this block before. my ex-H and WAOP are very different personalities. That said I know a lot of people who can remember my initial postings may draw similarities in that I am back here again trying to work this all out - just with a different set of circumstances.

This is my second marriage too Bellaggio. I thought that he was the complete opposite of my ex but I was wrong. For the most part he was but there were certain traits that were also similar. I didn't want to see them. The inability for real compassionate about my feelings. They both didn't deal with emotions well. They both did so much for me and kept on doing...when all I really wanted was to be loved and understood. My H did so much for me that it was nearly disabling. I became emotionally as well as financially dependent on him. I didn't allow my first H to make me so dependent on him because I knew I couldn't trust him. My second H on the other hand (the now MLCer) I trusted completely. I thought he was never going to hurt me...I would have walked on hot coal....I was that sure.  I didn't see any sign that would indicate that he would ever do this to me. Either he was a good actor or I'm blind. Either way, it's irrelevant now.  Sometimes what we resist, persists.  Never felt pain this deep and I pray I never will again.  hug SW

[CrazyTrain]

I didn't allow my first H to make me so dependent on him because I knew I couldn't trust him completely. My second H on the other (the now MLCer) I trusted completely. I thought he was never going to hurt me...I would have walked on hot coal....I was that sure.  I didn't see any sign that would indicate that he would ever do this to me.......Never felt pain this deep and I pray I never will again. SW

SW:  Bingo!!!  Exactly how I feel about Mr. CT. 

[bellagio88]

Ditto x

[bellagio88]

Just a few thoughts for today (which has been up and down including a slight panic attack in the supermarket....) -
I guess whether it is (or isn't) MLC I have to grieve the relationship that I THOUGHT it was -
Regardless of whether WAP decides to ever look my way again (or whether I would take him back) I have to grieve? Right?
I guess I just wasn't prepared to go through this level of grief..
I have a few very good friends who I have spoken to and they understand. Not so much about MLC but friends who have known me and D for a long time and who love us. So I can lean on them to some degree.
I am also aware of not overstepping my welcome...
And in the end my relationship with WAP was mine - so I am the only one who can truly face the feelings.
Maybe I am in denial but I keep coming back to MLC - not ignoring his past - but just in relation to the way he has handled the whole thing in the last 6 weeks.
I do need to be kind to myself - I feel so fragile
One other quick question - it concerns WAPs best friend...he has always been a very close friend of mine too.
I need some advice (not that I can necessarily change anything at this stage).
When I found out about OW it was on the heels of a conversation that I had with WAPs bf who was CONVINCED that WAP was not having an affair/there was no OW. Convinced not only because he believed this of him generally but also because he had asked WAP straight out whether there was anyone else (Jan 10) and WAP emphatically denied it. In fact WAP lied to his bf and said that the weekend he was actually with OW he was helping his son install a kitchen 4 hours away in our home town. So WAPs bf was at pains to convince me that WAPs stories were believable.
I am not usually like this (and i may regret it I think) but when I found out about OW I text WAPs bf and told him what I knew. I was so cross that he had lied to BOTH OF US..
I would usually not involve friends in this way....but the deceit just made me so cross.
I haven't heard from WAPs bf AT ALL (I did say in my text that I did not expect to necessarily get a response)...
I now feel silly -
My only blip re outward anger/upset so far - but I feel like I have let myself down
Thanks everyone
x

[in it]

I can understand to well what you say about mourning the relationship you thought you had. One of the dangers in life is having relationships in your own head.

No matter how close you felt-there's a chance someone else didn't have the same attachment or ability  to feel it. That leads to much pain and disappointment. You never know how emotionally invested someone else really is.

The only major loss before this I had was losing my father and  I realized when I lost him I lost the father I WISH I had had.

That's where some of the grief came from. I'd never get to have him say the things I needed to hear. I'd have to give up on getting any emotional needs met by him. He would never get a chance to express how much I might have meant to him.

This is what I waited for with the ex. In effect? I married someone emotionally unavailable due to their own issues...just like my father.

 I never was able to inspire him or be recognized and appreciated for who I am. As complicated or as simple as my thinking might be. There was always something wrong with me as far as the ex was concerned. I told him once that what was wrong with the relationship is he hadn't LISTENED to me in 32 years.

It's normal to want to let anyone who matters about this kind of betrayal. Don't worry about what you said to his friend or if he communicates back.

Don't say anything to anybody you would not say to the WAP's face. That's how I tried to communicate with people who MIGHT say anything to the ex or the "family" in general.

You are wounded and hurt it's not unusual for you to act like this.

[Strongwind]

I would usually not involve friends in this way....but the deceit just made me so cross.
I haven't heard from WAPs bf AT ALL (I did say in my text that I did not expect to necessarily get a response)...
I now feel silly -

I had a similar experience with my H's bf. Let me tell you that this was my friend at first. I got him a job in my H's firm. he use to be in my cohort at school and his now wife, who was my friend and our school's dean. When all of this happened I met with my friend the h's bf fiance' and asked her point blank. Is there OW, please if you know tell me. All she said was: You need to move on. Later I found out that all 4 of them were meeting and going out together as if I never even existed. (my H's bf and his fiance' and my H with OW) How is that for betrayal. They knew all along. I was the fool.

Expect anything at this point Bellaggio. Our spouse prepare themselves and others for this time of abandonment and they don't want it to be their abandonment. I found that the least I trust mutual friends, the better. They can actually make things worse. There is something about taking sides that trills most people. They feel their in a competition or something or they like the drama, even if they say they don't. I'm sorry that you feel silly. You're not. This is normal. Remember the betrayal and abandonment shatters a trusting spouse whole world. Be gentle with yourselves and allow God to protect your heart. I actually admire how well you're doing in spite of the great pain. (((hugs)) SW

[Strongwind]

hi Bellaggio,

it you feel like most LBS, Valentine's Day was probably a hard day for you? It was for me. For 16 years I've received roses and cards and more on that day. Yesterday was just like another day in my new life. What makes it worse is to know that our H is now doing that for another person. A stranger.

Unbelievably painful!!!

I think that any person who feels no remorse or compassion toward his spouse or partner of many years, is not normal. Let him be what he wants to be now.....the wheel of life will turn and they will realize that the grass is not greener. For now we need to start loving ourselves even while rejected because we are worthy women. We are the ultimate hero's. (((hugs))) SW

[forthetrees]

This may or not apply or help you:

Sometimes the loss of the illusion is greater than the loss itself.

_______? Breathed ? (not my quote)

This helped me immensely in another situation.

[bellagio88]

Hi everyone,

Havent posted for a couple of days - a combination of feeling like I needed some quiet, with my own thoughts and the fact that none of my best friends (who knew WAPP well - we stayed in her house many a time) has come over to visit D and i from Ireland....she is here until late tonight.
She is like a sister to em and a second mother to D.
I havent seen bf since last year but we have spoken on the phone quite a bit. She took one look at me and said that I looked like a shell of the person she had seen - she said that my body looked and moved as if I am in total shock and that I look like I have been put through a liquidiser.
She has been really wonderful since arriving here on Friday - she has given me time to talk  - spent time with D etc. I have inly shed a small tear - although yesterday I found very hard. We went into the city centre here and I walked around in a daze - a complete daze - feeling like I was going to throw up....She made a few interesting comments (knowing both of us really well) -
- This is NOT anything to do with me - this is his stuff
- He is a man who is more than likely depressed and running from his feelings - especially about me
- He is probably a man who cant hold down long term relationship
- He has probably done such a good job of switching off that at this stage he wouldn't be thinking about myself of D - he would be fully living his new life (until the reality/truth hits him)
0- She has made a bet with me that within 2 months he would be in contact (probably email first) again - and that OW and him will last for probably 8-9 months..
mMy bf is a very shrewd woman (a solicitor by trade/ she has seen A LOT)....it was interesting hearing what she had to say...
I have been in contact with WAPs brother, I am very close to. They are somewhat estranged (brother thinks WAP has serious issues etc) and I had a few emails back and forth with him late Thursday, early Friday.
WAPs brother was spending yesterday with WAPs sister and her new boyfriend - I am sure he will have information but at this stage I do not want to know. If I do email him in the next few days am not going to mention his time with their sister, or WAP in general. For my own self protection.

I have been reading the Bible a lot and Broken Heart on Hold - I am starting to understand the meaning of letting go and letting God. My bf (who is also quite religious) was talking to me yesterday about letting go and putting your trust in God. She was saying that faith is, by its very nature, trusting in something you cant see, that doesn't appear obvious etc. She was also very clear that many thinks in life are NOT as they seem.
As I wrote to WAPs brother late Thursday - I have to have faith that the best outcome will happen for me and D - whatever that is. If WAP is meant to be in our life in the future then I have to trust that he will be in some way that is healthy and mutual.

2 weeks and 2 days since ANY form of contact with WAP (even email) and 6 weeks since BD. Is this unusual for the early days of BD/Replay? My impression is that there is usually more cycling....

How have all of you coped with periods of No Contact?
x

[Strongwind]

Bellaggio, no contact is difficult because we sort of forget the monster and remember only the person we miss. I have not had any contact with my H for months and have not talked to him or seen him for over 7 months. He doesn't look for me nor tries to make contact. I think that's what is hard...to feel that they don't miss us.

Having contact with him would be even more painful as I would have to deal with the knowledge of his changed personality, with OW and moving on. It's hard to have NC but I chose to take the road of least resistance. Stay busy and try to do things you enjoyed before being a mom and a partner to your WAP. It will be a push but it's better than the alternative. We are here for you and with you...One day at a time. (((hugs)))