[MarkedandHealed]

Maybe this will clear it up? I was saying Livestrong doesn't have a cake eater. Yours is because he is trying to have a relationship with both of you.

I was simply trying to make examples of what cake eating COULD entail. Not that it had anything to do with you or your situation.

A cake eater is someone who is trying to have a relationship with two women, someone who gets their needs met with two women. Most often people see confusion and waffling and assume it's cake eating.

[Rollercoasterider]

LifeGoesOn,

I was simply trying to make examples of what cake eating COULD entail.

Exactly. You are trying to make all possible cake-eating behaviours requirements for a cake-eating diagnosis. No. The important attribute is the two worlds--he wants arelationship with you and he can't or won't give up the alienator. Forget the additional acts of service, they are just a bonus that need not be happening.

[LifeGoesOn]

So this quote from M&H is not true?

Your H is not living at home. Are you doing his laundry? Are you having sex with him still? What SERVICES is he getting from you? If none, and he's not living at home, then he is not cake eating. He doesn't have the cake, so he can't eat it.

I think I get it....My H was pretty much like Livinstrong's, the fact that he still is 20 months later, without any contact initiated by me in the last 6, proves the confusion as cake-eating, or IOW desiring a relationship with us both?

Wow. That's why I always back up my opinions with a personal anecdote and a reference/suggestion for further reading. I'll refrain from giving my opinion until I am more confident in my understanding!

[Glimmer]

My situation like D Money and Writingmom. Divides time between own flat/OW place. Cannot seem to handle NC. I have tried 3times before. Always finds some excuse to text me. Calls most days usually at meal times, so eats with us. Wants to be friends with me and cannot understand why this is so hard for me to do. Says he couldn't stand not seeing me every day. Don't know if this is cake eating, or whether he just tries to ease his guilty conscience.

[LifeGoesOn]

Eva.b

Cannot seem to handle NC. I have tried 3times before. Always finds some excuse to text me. Calls most days usually at meal times, so eats with us.

I will not address the cake-eating, but I do have a question about your NC.
 Your boundary is NC? He can't handle NC or you can't?
Boundaries are for YOU. You can't control him, but you can decide where and when you will respond. This means if you say you will not have contact with him, YOU will not have contact with him. You don't respond to his texts, calls, emails, or answer the door (direct contact) or even think about him, listen to tales/talk about him (Indirect contact). If you have kids, this is all but impossible. Dim or dark is more realistic b/c there are kid related things you need to relate to him.

If you feel the need to set a boundary, then you must stick to it. If you say 'don't contact me' and then invite him for dinner b/c he calls at mealtime, you are wasting your breath as well as putting more stress on yourself. 

[MarkedandHealed]

One more thing, LGO, my SERVICES comment was simply an attempt at making it simpler to understand. I'm sorry if that backfired.

I get very frustrated because people don't understand the concept (don't worry, it's a very hard, tenuous one to grasp) - and then set boundaries way before it's time.

Everything about MLC has to be custom fit to your situations, there are no hard and fast rules. There is no fitting square pegs into round holes here... instead, you have to drill your own holes to fit.

[Buggy31]

Here's my take on cake eating

When I got to the point of asking my husband to leave because I felt he was cake eating I felt that his behaviors and acting out on me were emotionally abusive.  I also felt he was so damaging and destructive to the relationship that HE might be unable to forgive himself for the insane things he was doing, even after he moves through the tunnel.  This included a lot of hurtful comments and behaviors centering around OW and the end of my pregnancy.  He had been home 18 months post bomb drop and things were getting worse not better.  I felt like I needed some emotional space and it has been nice being able to work through the pain without his hovering, moodiness, spewing, conversations, neediness.  I have three children and his presence felt like four.  If I have done anything it is put my needs first  and let him go on his journey.  I also believe by giving him his own physical space and going dark has removed a certain level of tension between the wife/OW tug o' war.  It pushes things into more of a reality which is scary and yet I believe necessary in my case.  I second guess my decision occassionally but my thoughts are he was STUCK and it was time to try something different.  We'll see what happens.

[bandedalliecat]

I have seen the term Cake Eating mentioned several times on the forum.  I've read about it somewhere also in the resources, but can't seem to locate it now.

I'd appreciate any descriptions of cake eating and how you've dealt with it in your MLCer.

[Shantilly Lace]

cake eating

Having your cake and eat it.

trying to have a relationship with you and ow at the same time.
trying to keep you hanging while they decide.

behaviours that give them the best of both worlds.

Umm exactly what my h seems to have at present  ROFL

[OldPilot]

bandedalliecat

I have combined this question with an earlier discussion on this matter, I hope this helps.

If not ask some more questions.