[faithful with Love]

Who are the big guns? I was reading the stages.. hell i can not figure out where he is as he fits them all at different times. I wish he was one of the ones you could read. I mean, he texts less, lays his phone around... Actually never mind I just thought of how he was last month and was starting to come around...almost like who he was before this... then we got into a huge fight because he told me he was going to stay out all night and party like a rock star and stroll in about 8am..said it no big deal...why are you so upset, he never did however, (also i hear she is putting pressure on him about staying the night and family time with her and her kid and gets mad cause the week and Sat and Sun he is with me and our kids) she gets Fridays. Anyways...the next day was when he said he wanted a divorce and has been on that kick. Where does that come from? Do other MLCers say that? and want to stay together? Also last weekend he asked..how long have i been with you? I said 17 yrs married 4 in sept..he said ..wow that puts a smile on my face....REPLAY REPLAY REPLAY....however can they be in replay and have other systoms of the other stages? 

[OldPilot]

however can they be in replay and have other systoms of the other stages? 

YES, the stages can overlap and sometimes they can run back to a previous stage.

You H is in REPLAY

[mercury]

The big guns are RCR, OP (above Thank you OP), LG, V, Ready pretty much the group that been on for a year or more, they have a good understand and many experience what you are. I'd say he was in replay too. They say all kind of crazy things that make no sense and they can have all kinds of symptoms. Depression and regression to a child or youth seems the most common in replay.

[faithful with Love]

  I have been in replay for awhile now. It sucks..and I was reading up to 2 yrs or more. So how can I figure out the replay or when it started...I am thinking back to Nov 09 to May 10 he was in a VERY angry stage...then last summer he stared staying home more...I think the honeymoon stopped and he was staying out till 4-5 am.  That is when it started. Cause now he goes back and forth with eveyrthing. He told him his mind is racing all the time, best to stay busy, and this winter he told me he was trying to let ow down gently..and they fight alot..I mean .... when he sent me that text that was suppose to be for her...he said he was trying to help....then I said why and he said I am not trying to help her....I said but you just said you were like 10 mins ago....then the next day he called me at work and said I am trying to get rid of baggage and you know what i mean but I feel bad cause i called her a ow, she dresses like a ow,, blah blah....I mean he was telling me this like I was a friend... I just listened think you feel bad and want to say sorry but look at what you have put me and our kids through and nothing....what ever.. then he said the plan was not to hang out with her anymore....but they still hang and she will be a friend... What is all that???  He wants it all done ///// so does that mean getting rid of me and divorce??? I dont understand and all I get is we will be fine its just a divorce.  Can anyone help me with that?

[LoveMeMyself]

FaithfulwithLove,

    I got the very same thing from my exH.  I'm going on 20 months now since BD.  I have been told the "I'm done, I want to be alone, and we will be fine".  All of this same stuff.  I'm approaching 8 months divorced now as well.  I honestly can't begin to figure out where my exH is regarding the MLC steps/phases or whatever.  It doesn't matter to me any more.  My exH was so extreme right after BD..........I mean he was like a bull in a china shop.  He was bouncing all over the place.  He was depressed, crying, monster spewing, blaming, mean, hateful and completely empty.  His eyes were blank.  He went through so much so fast (in my opinion) that it made my head spin.  He was a complete stranger.  He had two OW's within a 6 month period.  He spent money like water.  All of it started tapering off after our divorce was final this past October, 2010.  I saw him acting as a teenager and dressing very weird.  I can't tell you where he's at in this process but he seems to be somewhat better at the moment even though we do not communicate much.  I just sit back and watch.  I can't explain any of it..........but you are not alone.  It's too much to think about it...........it will make you crazy!

[faithful with Love]

LoveMyMan,
Thank you, when he said "its a divorce that is all we will be fine and stay together and see where it will take us". It is very confusing for me. I dont know why he wants it or what he is thinking it will help. He has not made an attempt to file. Talks about the future with me even today when he called me at work. On that I am lost. Im so sorry that you have to go through this as well. How are you holding up? I hate that you had to divorce when you didnt do anything wrong. I dont understand why some ppl have to go through this and others dont. I wish I could take all of this away for ALL of us that are going through it. And I cant believe my h was 33 when his started.. so young but he grew up fast in the inner city and what his life was like still no excuse.

[LoveMeMyself]

Faithful with Love,

    I'm holding up as well as I can.........maybe better than I even expected.  I still love him but I know I do not want him the way he is right now.  I lean on God daily.  I maintain my faith and hope.  I was a single mom for 21 years prior to meeting and marrying him so being "on my own" is not new to me but this is so much worse and very painful.  I spent many months of crying and being miserable.  It was a full year from BD to divorce.  I can now say that entire year was pure torture.  It was a very emotional year full of pain.  I lost about 25 pounds (my weight went down under 90 lbs)!  I was not sleeping at all and struggling to keep going.  I ended up on a very mild antidepressant and sleeping pills.  I can't remember when I stopped taking the pills but I will still use an over the counter sleep aide if needed on occasion.  I'm a strong little lady and I'm pulling through all of this.  It's not easy........no way!  I pray for each and everyone on this forum.  This is honestly the worst and most difficult thing I've ever experienced.  My ex is not seeing anybody (OW) that I'm aware of but I truly don't know.  I honestly don't believe he is "happy" in his new life.  Time will tell.  We have very little communication between us but I have several friends who work with him.  I hear bits and pieces here and there but I can handle it so much better now.  Sometimes I do get down.........I force myself to stop focusing on him.  I question whether it is truly MLC (like most) but I do really believe it.  I have to tell myself that he is "sick/ill" and perhaps one day he will return.  He will be 48 in July.  I wish we could ALL band together and make this disappear for ALL of us here.  I'm grateful for this forum and for EVERYBODY here sharing their situations.  It has been extremely helpful.  I can't understand the statement your h made regarding the divorce either but we don't understand most of what they say anyway.  It's not going to do you any good to worry about it or try to figure it out. 

[faithful with Love]

LoveMyMan,
No no good worrying about it. nearly 2 yrs for me. And it has been torture, however he is much kinder to me.  The rejection is the worst and to be replaced is the worst. I miss my h very much but I know we will never be like we use to be. Maybe stronger one day. I have never experienced something like this either.. Oh Lord was he torturing me with it in my face I mean he lie and then if caught shove it in my face on purpose. I remember sobbing so many nights and he would leave me to be with ow, Oh I have lots of painful memories of this that he did and let happen with no concern to me. He doesnt remember alot of it but I do. No human being should ever be treated that way. EVER. Torture yes. But his behavior is better in that sense. I love him so much but I cant fix him or this, he has to and I feel that is why he wants the divorce...he feels to much damage has been done..and he feels I hate him at times. I never hate him just what he has done or is still doing. I know I will be okay without him I have been basiclly a single mom sense this started. Funny I wanted to be his wife so bad I should have known if it took him 13 yrs he most likely never wanted to marry. But here we are nearly 4 yrs of marriage and 2 of them in this $hit.  Never really gave us chance and what is the big deal about marriage to him> commiment? Would he not think that I would and DID expect him to be faithful to me. Venting now sorry. You are a strong lady and I went from 148 to 114 in less then 8 months. I have gained some back. He use to talk about my weight when I lost it that I was to skinny and it looked sick...my I look back adn that will bring out some anger in me. Need to let that go cause like I said he is better with his additude to wards me except for the divorce adn still in contact with ow.

[LoveMeMyself]

Faithful with Love,

    I'm going to go back and read your entire story this weekend.  I have wondered if I was the only one here (on this forum) that had been married less than 10 years.  We were only married 5 years and I see you for only 4, correct?  I know it's truly hard for those on here who have been married for 20 plus years.........but I look at my brief 5 years as the "honeymoon" time and end up dealing with this mess!  I can not imagine having it rubbed in my face!  To me that is totally and completely uncalled for.............but we have to remember it's really not them.......they can't help it.  They are possessed by an Alien!  I found out about the first OW about 3 weeks after my H moved out.  He was all "giddy" and acting like a high school kid while involved with her.........and she was/is a total "skank".  She's been married/divorced twice and has two grown kids and a 15 year old who doesn't even live with her.  She has a reputation for going to the clubs and working on men.......just to get whatever she can from them.  There's a special place in HE{{ for these kind of people (in my opinion).  My ex said the same about too much damage.  The damage is in his mind........as is the guilt and the shame.  He felt like the divorce was the only way to free him.  I think some of them truly believe this.  I also believe they think once divorced they will be released from their guilt and shame.  My ex keeps saying he will be happy "WHEN"..............WHEN WHAT?  Now it's when he gets another job because he hates his job and everybody he works with.  Go figure...........he had an affair with his coworker!  Not cool!

I understand your venting.  You are in the right place for it.  My ex tried to tell me that he really did "try"..........well, about a month or so ago I mentioned that statement to him.  I told him that he truly DID NOT try.........because he didn't talk to me prior to moving out........just dropped the bomb and left.  I also told him that he didn't give us/marriage a try.  I don't think they can run and hide from this forever...........at least I hope not. 

[faithful with Love]

MLM,
I have been with my husband sense I was 19 and he was 17... have 2 kids, married almost 4, When this started, his mom was dx with cancer, I lost my job, and I think he got bored with me. I became what he wanted me to. He went without nothing, I was his bestfriend, and I bent over backwards for him. I loved being a good woman and wife... I am a great mom... And then $hit hit the fan. He started going out more and more later and later. He started being distant and rude.... Our sex life went from everyday to mainly nothing..His was/is with a co worker also 5 years young then him and 7 years younger then me. She is a nasty ass as well... She was going through a divorce and was sleeping with another co worker who dumped her and then dated another co worker and then latched onto my h. Filling his head with so much crap. i told him at the start to stay away from her she is bad news I could tell. He would not listen.. Then I could tell his would be gulity after coming home from being out. I knew.. he would never confess..I got just a friends... The texting was 24/7..gifts..clothes..brought into my house that he lied about..a lawn mower he lied about...then I found out the truth when she came to our home and we had to call the police..she wanted all that back and she was giving him money..cause she felt sorry for him.. he lied saying that he paid all the bills. but he stopped paying on most nad i was struggling.. then she would call me and tell me when they were fighting..said I had to get use to sharing my h..on and on this went and then I changed my number and have not had to deal with hit. and h sees now that it was not me but her. I found naked pic of her on his cell, which is locked now. Telling her all our business and blaming me.. I mean it is a mess. While she has now slept with 2 other co workers and he still can not see that she si nothing but a ow.. He says he knows but then why are you friends with someone like that. They lose all sense of logic. And there is more but it is in the past and I try to leave it there. Cause I get very upset when I think of the wrong he has done.. oh by the way our kids watched all this and he still was with her. It is like they are taken over by something.  He has gotton tattoos that she paid for and I get to be reminded everyday when I see them. He acts like a teen. and I am the mommy. Which he is a mamas boy.  They are sick. and the woman they chose are worse then them, so I blame her just as much as I blame my h. She knew he was married and disrepected me and my kids and home.