[The New Me]

Thanks for starting this thread! It applies to so many of us.

[The lighthouse]

Our parents sound very similar Arghhh!  I live with mine and I have to watch it on a daily basis.  They really do act like children sometimes.  I don't think I could get mine to read any books at this point, they're in their 70's.  Good thing is, maybe we're starting to have some realizations ourselves and we can stop the cycle for us.

[superdog]

Lighthouse,

I could have written your post about how you argued. I learnt the same way from my dad.

My h's tactic is to say something extremely offensive to you and walk out the room. Meaning he always tries to have last word. It's not just my style with him, I watched him do the same thing to my 10 year old. He offended her when the confrontation got a Little to much for him to deal with.

I followed too, but wouldn't do that again. It's not productive to have a Disagreement basically with yourself.

Sd
X

[Albatross]

My h's tactic is to say something extremely offensive to you and walk out the room.

Can You describe one of those situations what was before he did that ?

[Mermaid]

Passive aggressives are unreasonable, indirectly aggressive through words and behaviour, blame others not themselves, and repeat their behaviour over time.

My H is more PA than my dad, but there are similarities. Dad had a totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother, and had been deeply hurt by her (and my grandmother in turn by her father...), but his way of dealing with problems was to criticize and deny my right to reply by saying "this is my house and what I say goes" and order me to my room. So the effect was the same... I wasn't allowed to reply, and he could get very angry (so not exactly PA). But I would reply anyway, furiously. He could be very unfair. He could be both aggressive (a furious temper) and indirectly aggressive.

The other thing he'd do was to talk to my mother about us in a loud voice, but pretending he didn't know I could hear. Every time it would freeze me in shame, even though my "sins" were not so bad.

Like his mother before him, he cut himself off from any friends he sometimes made, and found fault with everyone. It was his way of protecting himself. He also did that PA thing of avoiding doing things people asked him to do (so he could do it when he felt in control)

But my mother didn't partake in the dance. She understood his pain and difficulties, and ours too, and very rarely lost her temper. I think she had a hard time with him because he was so mistrusting of others, including her. She always listened to us, and interceded with my father when he was unreasonable. She knew how to leave alone to calm down, and would calmly ask my father to do things, without losing her temper and nagging. My dad (now 82) is still very negative about people and life, but has recognised after 55 years of marriage that his wife is very loving and loyal.

My mother is pretty much my hero, and one I look to for inspiration. I'm sharing this because although my father is more aggressive than PA, he has some of the characteristics, but my mother's attitude was great... she neither accepted his bad behaviour nor overreacted, and kept on with her own interests (and they are many!) so his behaviour didn't define her.

[CallanG]

Mermaid , thanks for starting this thread .

Just wanted to say that I have read the books that you mentioned and they are very helpful , they open your eyes to what you are dealing with it and why they are behaving like they are .

I think you have may have mentioned passiveaggressivehusband.com in one of the links , this website is a huge source of information and the people who run it also write some of the books that are about .

Callan

[Madmax]

I would definitely agree that my h is passive aggressive, but I've noticed a couple of things.  Early in our marriage he was p/a but I intuitively learned how to deal with him and our relationship was great...right up to BD. When he is monstering he returns to his p/a behavior but when he isn't in monster mode he is less p/a.  Has anyone else noticed something similar?

[31andcounting]

Great thread~  the obvious NOT SO obvious question???  Can or willthey ever change?  or is it up to us the change our reactions?
31andcounting

[CallanG]

Hi 31

The impression that I have got form the various things that I have read is that PA will always be there , counselling can help but it seems to be a long process. I did read something online which was written by a lady who though about leaving her marriage because her H was PA . With a of work and learning how to communicate better they got through it but the H still defaults to PA when threatened . I got the feeling from her that once she knew what she was dealing with she was able to cope much better .

[31andcounting]

CallanG, that makes sense.  My H has changed since leaving the tunnel, but yet recently had "an outburts" and a couple of days as "old H"   I must admit, it was troubling and I am still a little off because of it.  The silence and silliness    The "I" will get over it in a few days statement..........
I told him " I am sad...this is the way "old 31 & H" would of handled this.  He agreed but I still wonder.  this reconnecting stuff is tough, and maybe tough as H is PA to the core I think!
31