[superdog]

Albatross,

I will describe the last one I witnessed with my d10. She was crying and upset that her dad had called her brother fat at the dinner table. She thought he was very rude. He asked me why she was crying and I told him that he had said something that upset her. He went into the room with her and demanded for her to say what was wrong. She stood there and told him and he refused to acknowledge anything she was saying or indeed let her finish her sentences before saying it was all rubbish.

He could not handle the conversation with her and he stood up and said " you are so stupid, you better come up with something better than to try and be angry at me for" then stormed out the room and straight up the stairs to his room and shut the door. He left her standing there with her mouth hanging open even more offended than she was originally.

He later tried to protest his innocence to me. I said it wasn't my argument and she felt how she felt and it was real to her. He never spoke to her for a day or so.

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[Albatross]

Albatross,

I will describe the last one I witnessed with my d10. She was crying and upset that her dad had called her brother fat at the dinner table. She thought he was very rude. He asked me why she was crying and I told him that he had said something that upset her. He went into the room with her and demanded for her to say what was wrong. She stood there and told him and he refused to acknowledge anything she was saying or indeed let her finish her sentences before saying it was all rubbish.

He could not handle the conversation with her and he stood up and said " you are so stupid, you better come up with something better than to try and be angry at me for" then stormed out the room and straight up the stairs to his room and shut the door. He left her standing there with her mouth hanging open even more offended than she was originally.

He later tried to protest his innocence to me. I said it wasn't my argument and she felt how she felt and it was real to her. He never spoke to her for a day or so.

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Superdog, I was thinking about some situations before he hit crisis. Now in crisis he is taken over by his shadow,  depressed, neurotic, even psychotic. In such state they act as personality disordered. And by the way he show open aggression in this situation. So, I am interested did he look like PA before he hit crisis and example of situation.

[superdog]

Oh okay, well I can give an example of when he was in his band before bd. He did not like the keyboard player but would never say anything to him or challenge him. He told me that the keyboard player relied on him to start the beat then he would come in when my h played the first drum note.  My h pretended to hit his drum stick so the guy would start to play his keyboard notes in the wrong place and look like an idiot.

He would often end discussions with me by standing up and telling me that I looked rough today was I not feeling well, or ask if I was menstrual given my tone. He would always say these things then walk out and not return to the conversation, leaving me even more annoyed and no further forward in resolving the issue.

When you did go back to the issue at a later date then he would accuse me of not being able to let stuff go and how I was a dog with a bone. It was always my fault. I would then take it upon myself to sort the thing out then it became a problem because I hadn't asked him and just did it. Crazy making.

So this behaviour was always present I just didn't hAve a name for it then and believed he was the calm one.

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[Strongwind]

WOW!!! You've all described my relationship with my H in some way or another. He was always telling me that I didn't listen and I mentally and emotionally abused him because I would lose my temper with him and shout.

He would coil and leave or become very silent and ignore me. I know my H is PA but is that a also a trait in MLC subjects? I think it may be as they don't really express their anger and become passive. I think at some point it evolves into full blown craziness....MLC  as if the anger gets bottled up and finally explodes. Ummm?  Great subject to explore. Thank you  SW

[Albatross]

Yes Superdog, that should be PA behavior in my opinion. And in man fashion, female fashion is punishment by silent treatment by days and controlling a spouse by sex.

[superdog]

This is then something I will share. He shouted at me one time whilst in major replay mode that I used sex as a weapon.

I asked him a day or so later what he meant as I didn't know. How did I use sex as a weapon. I would always have he to go to him for that. He said he had no idea what he meant he must have heard it somewhere.

I thought at the time that ow may have planted that seed but maybe he was projecting at me.

Strong wind it seems a lot of them are. My h said to me one time that he daren't get angry because he would end up killing someone.

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[Albatross]

Strong wind it seems a lot of them are. My h said to me one time that he daren't get angry because he would end up killing someone.

Good spot on is that he is aware of own shadow and losing control ie taken completely by his shadow. And that is the reason why he yell and leave place intimidate. He is on the edge, and that is bad. So, please don't challenge him when he is in such a state, he is really on the edge.

About how PA woman control and manipulate spouse by sex is that they "punish" spouse withholding sex from them. Living with really PA man or woman is living in loveless and sexless marriage. But those marriages fall apart very early not after 20 and some years.

[The New Me]

My mother, too, took PA to a whole new level. She used to write what I called poison pen letters to me when she was angry - in red ink - explaining everything I did to make her upset. I, of course, would get upset reading them. When I tried to talk to her about them afterwards she would put her hand up and say "I'm done talking about it" and leave me hanging there, not remotely interested in hearing my side of the story. Around the time I was 13 I finally figured out that it didn't matter if I read them or not since she was never going to discuss it. I took to just throwing them away and saving myself the upset.

Not sure about my dad though he and my H share a birthday.

So H's nature seemed normal to me, I guess. PA's train you how to respond, to take everything on your shoulders and not their own, and it wears you down over time. Since he's come out of the tunnel (and now that I know what I'm dealing with) I'm trying to change all that. I challenge him way more than I ever did and not let him "hit and run" so to speak. I refuse to take on responsibilities that are his, including for his feelings, and speak up when he's hurt mine. The challenge is to do it with love and without judgement. I think a lot of the lesson, for me anyway, is learning not to rescue him and letting him figure out how to handle these feelings he's avoided for so long.  I used to fill that space and say "I'll fix it" or roll over and let him have his way just to keep the peace. Just as we have picked a spouse who behaves in a way that is familiar for us, they've done the same in finding someone who took on the role that is familiar to them. My mother's poison pen letters taught me that my feelings don't matter - the perfect set-up for the wife of a PA!

[superdog]

I thought I would dig this out again as I have had such an experience with my h in the last few days that confirms the PA diagnosis I gave him.

For those who hAve PA spouses do you recognise this?

No matter what you ask or in what manner you ask it, you are firstly accused of " coming at them" then when you ask the question or make the statement your spouse turns into the worst kind of politician ever! Have you ever watched someone interview a policitican on TV? Did you see how frustrated they got?

You are sitting in front of someone intent on avoiding, derailing, subject changing, accusing, denying, blaming anything but give a straight answer. Then when you are left unsatisfied or have just had your feelings dismissed and belittled or have been insulted and you are accused of some heinous crime you have no idea about, rightly your frustration begins to grow. At this point if you can get out you get out, still completely without an answer to whether they want brown toast or white. If you can't get out then your frustration blows and it is at this point the politician recommends that you need anger mangement therapy? Or that you are aggressive when you speak Assertively. Wow !!!!

Looking back this has been my h's communication style the whole time we have been together and he is absolutely correct I have no one else in my existence that frustrates me more then he does when I need an input to an issue or problem.

How does this style of communication develop, it's so well honed and ingrained. All in the name of avoiding responsibility for anything. It's fascinating to witness.

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[Dagolark]

Attached to read later