[Glimmer]

Hi

Shortly after my H left, our 2Ds the oldest especially had a really hard time dealing with it.  She failed all her mock exams and said she had so much stuff in her head she had no room for her studies.  I spoke to her teachers and they were very supportive and arranged for both girls to see the school counsellor.

I asked H if he thought they were dealing with the situation and he said that 'they would adapt and get over it like all kids do'!!.  He was so shocked and upset when I told him that in reality they were NOT dealing with it at all and that I had been to school because they were struggling.  Twelve months later and he still is oblivious to most of the problems they have.  He has never volunteered to help with any homework, choosing instead to be 'mates' with them and just wanting to watch TV or play swingball.  He doesn't feel guilt at no longer being the responsible parent he always used to be.

My H has never discussed any of his MLC behaviour with his family. They are all very supportive towards me and our girls and everything they know they have learnt from me. They tell me they no longer recognise him, he has changed so much.

If it is any consolation, my H also told me that we had nothing in common, he had been bored for years and we never had a conversation. Yet it is now 18months since he left and he doesn't want a divorce and still pays all the bills.  If things had been so bad you think he would have been glad to sever all ties and start again with his perfect OW.

[LisaLives]

Thanks, your H sounds a little different from mine.  Mine was not at all interested in paying the bills, at first.  And mine has not checked out of our kids' lives.  In some ways he has become super dad, talking to the teachers all the time, and pretending to be the dedicated academic parent--but he has checked out emotionally, if he was ever clued in, I am not sure, that was pretty much my role. 

So we have him, who seems to be this caring, involved parent, me who doesn't really want to have all the teachers involved in this weird drama--I don't want to say bad things about him, really, but if I contradict him every day, that makes one of us look crazy, and professionally, he is an educator, so I am afraid I am the one that looks like the pitiful victim, making my kids victims... 

My S14's therapist is starting to see it.  I hadn't realized that H had met with her several times to tell her "his story" which included how much better this situation would be for our kids and how unhappy and dysfunctional our family was.  When I finally told her about some of the things S was doing and I came in for a few sessions, she realized that S's perception was a lot closer to mine than H's. 

All I know is this is all crazy-making.   

[Love being on higher grounds]

I am very curious on this one, as every time my H is confronted with it, it is basically the same response...

He blames everything on his job...mostly cause that is where he is most of the time...on the road...

Then will say to me a little later...we have to tell them... UGH!


Just had this come up again yesterday, and I have said from the get go, that I will not be the one to tell them anything...Im not doing his dirty work...

[NewBeginnings]

My BD was on 2/25/11 and it was done with a 10 minute phone call.  To this day, my H has never told our son anything. 
Never told our S he wasn't coming home again so I had to do it when S started asking me, "Mom, where is Dad?"  It was
heartbreaking to say the least. 

NB

[Synicca]

we tried to keep it from our D13 right after BD, but since my H and hiw OW proclaimed their love for
eachother on his FB, my D figured it out on her own....(they were friends) 

but, that was just the PA....My H sat our d down later (about 2 months) and told her he was in love with
another woman and that he didnt love me anymore and wanted to be happy..

Then said that it was better that we didnt stay together because "WE" didnt love eachother anymore. 

all the while still telling ME that he loved me....go figure!! My d formed her own opinion after realising her daddy
was a nutt job!

I actually sat her down by myself and explained that daddy wasnt well, and that he had some issues to work out.
to not believe anything he said unless she asked me first....She eventually disliked OW and refused to visit H
while they were living together.

[LettingGo]

My husband travels for business as well.... the kids were used to him being gone, but not on the weekends, LOL!! MLCers always seem to want to "tell the kids", especially if you are not solidly in their corner.... sometimes they use it against you, if you try and set a boundary of "maybe I won't want to be with you, you lying, cheating, basta**!" and sometimes, I think they just use it for dramatic purposes and as a bellweather to see where you are at as far as jettisoning them forever, hahha!

I told the kids, in a very lengthy and serious conversation, that Dad was "working through some things" and needed some time apart to "think about stuff" and my 10 year old daughter piped up and said "Oh, is he depressed?"  so that is how I explain it, especially since it is true. I explain DEPRESSION as debilitating, and irrational.... since it really is.

I did use the term midlife crisis with my teenage son, but with my daughter, it is depression. Her therapist also explained to her that DEPRESSED PEOPLE cannot care properly for others..... they are very selfish in their behaviors. This seems to help, even though it still makes her sad. At least they understand, to a degree, that Dad is not a bad person, and that he can't help it. They also understand that we have to live our lives, and we're sad he's not in it much, but it's because he's depressed.

I do not say "Dad isn't here because he chose to spend Christmas with a F'ing ow and her daughter cuz he's a worthless piece of sh**" even though I have moments where that is the overwhelming feeling... it's not true. I simply say "Dad should be here. I can't believe he's not here. It's not right that he's not here..... but he is depressed, and depressed people do terrible things and don't understand the consequences... I'm sorry."

I also tell my kids that if Dad ever puts them in ANY situation (meeting OW on the sly) that makes them uncomfortable, that they can slip away and call me and I will come get them. They need to know that they can go with Dad, but if it's dicey, they don't have to stay. Good luck.

[Stillpraying]

I have been telling S9 and S7 similar stuff to LG.  S9 said it made him feel better to understand this.  They can't stand OW and wish dad would stop having her with him when he spends time with them but I think knowing about depression has taken the bad feelings that it was their fault away.

[StandandDeliver]

"Dad isn't here because he chose to spend Christmas with a F'ing ow and her daughter cuz he's a worthless piece of sh**"

LG, I can't tell you how many times my inner dialogue and the words that come out  of my mouth to the children bear absolutely no relation to each other. 

My kids are younger, S 6 d2. H has told S that he "is never coming back", I guess it is better that S does not live in hope as there is every chance that it will pan out that way. But is was an example of a total failure on H's part to put S's emotional needs first. In fact, I think that he was using S as a way to "hurt" me, so that he would report back what Daddy said (which he did).

Personally, at the time I just told S that Daddy did not love Mummy like a wife, but more as a friend. Of course OW was shuved in S's face within a month of them moving in together, too and I was left with a lot of questions about how to deal with this with a young boy with some very big feelings. H was certainly a steam engine if nothing else.  Eventually, S asked a very specific question (can't quite remember the whole convo now) but I told him that they way that D left was not really the "right" way to leave a relationship. S told me that he didnt think it was very nice of Daddy and I told him, no, but people make mistakes. I have not really figured out the best way to deal with this with a 6 year old tbh. Because there is the possibility that H will never want to come back or that by the time he does I will not want him back. I don't want to create false hope, but I also don't want S to believe that his D's behaviour is an acceptable way to treat another person, under ANY circumstances. And sons will look up to their fathers. No matter how misguided that is. Sigh...

[Mamma Bear]

 Love Being and others    My H told my Ds 8 and 10 at the time that he got his own place and met someone before I knew!!!  Valentine's Day he didn't come home. I kept asking the ds "where's Dad?"
    Finally they told me. How sick is that? They get Bomb Drop and have to relay it to me?   Now the ds say " Oh dad is in that stupid tunnel. trying to find happiness. The wrong way."   They always knew he marched to the beat of a different drummer. Now they are convinced. We all miss him. We all pray for his waking up and returning. But me and the Ds know we'll be fine if he decides not to.

[Stillpraying]

Good grief MB Telling the kids that before you 

I didn't think that was in the script!  It is the spouse they are supposed to drop the bomb on.  That must have been very hard for your kids to hear that first and then have to tell mum.    My S9 dreamt about the tunnel!  and S7 dreamt about a boat.  at the end only OW is on it and it blows up