[Trustandlove]

Hi,

I know I'm not a newbie and should probably be able to answer this myself, but I have a question about telling H stuff about the childrens' schedules, etc.

Specificially regarding events such as their school plays and things.  I.e. should I forward information from the school regarding dates?  I had at one  point asked this particular school to mail stuff to him as well as to me, but they usually just send letters home rather than post things, so only I get them.  (This school isn't that great on admin in general.... but that's an aside).   The other two schools send their bumf to him directly, so in theory at least he gets the calendars. 

I started out telling him when things were, but haven't been for quite a while now, as part of the "don't use the children as an excuse to contact him" thing; son sometimes asks him if he'll go to a particular event, H then checks the date, if we have it. 

But this morning he e-mailed asking me "if there is something significant with the children please could you let me know the dates as early as possible".  I hadn't told him the date of S's annual special needs review, he hadn't asked even though the subject had come up in conversation several times back in October.   I guess I was making it up to him to ask.  Now he says he can't come, hence the request for me to tell him earlier.   

OK, so I e-mailed back dates of a few pretty important things, including some parents' evenings, even though I know he does get information from the other schools.  Now a letter has come about some dates from the not-so-good-on-admin school, I'm sure S would like H to come to his play.

H has only come to a very few parents' evenings since he left, and hasn't asked when they are.  I haven't been volunteering. 

It's not that I don't want him to come, it's that I don't want to be seen as pursuing or "mothering", i.e. sorting it all out LIKE A WIFE DOES.  I do also wonder if I'm doing a bit of the "I won't tell you, it's up to you to find out" thing.  The "this is what life is like now" thing, and am wary of letting pride or something like that get in the way of behaving decently. 

And I don't want to give him any more reasons to be angry at me or to have a problem with me.  I don't want to give him things to fight against. 

It really doesn't take anything for me to make a copy of a letter and leave it for when he stops by, or to forward an e-mail or something.  One of the reasons I don't is that I don't really want him to think that he can just pick and choose which things to come to -- saying yes I can or no I can't.  But I may be way off base here. 

The more I write the more I think that I should just forward the stuff without comment and forget about it.....

Such a simple issue on the surface, isn't it?  And in MLC even the littlest things get distorted and drive us nuts.... 

I try to run everything through the filter of living as if he weren't coming back; or even as if he had died.  Well, if he had died stuff like this wouldn't be an issue....   the rest is the "amicable separated" relationship stuff.  Stuff that exists if he's living with us or not.  And then I get stuck....

Grrr.

[Rollercoasterider]

Maybe someone else knows if something like this exists online...

On most emails systems there is a calendar function where you can set the clendar to send reminders. Is there such a calendar that is not directly connected to an individual email account, but that you can set up to send the notices to multiple accounts.

You could both have access and input dates and events, view the calendar whenever and have the calendar ping you with reminders.

[Buggy31]

Yes
There is something called the "ourfamilywizard" or something like that and it's great because all you have to do is type in all the info and he can access it should he choose to.  It costs about $100 each parent.  I think this is worth it...really.  Check it out.  I

[Trustandlove]

OK, that sounds interesting, but I'll admit my gut went "yuck!"  In effect it would only be me inputting dates (because it's only me that has children info he might not have)  and him deciding whether or not it suits, which is basically the same thing as me sending him e-mails. 

So on that score, I might as well just send on things without comment; that way he can't say I didn't tell him.  It wouldn't remove my issue with telling him, so I might as well just do it. 

Although it's something that I could see working well in a reconciled family situation, where all family members keep each other apprised of all sorts of plans.....

[Hope for Zen]

On this I would treat your parenting as a business relationship.  Definately forward emails, notes, and any information reagrding your child's schedule as soon as you get it.

Then drop it.

If he shows up, fine.  If not, it is not your problem. 

I use the free google calendar.  You can set up seperate calendars on the same account then control who can view each one.  I have a private calendar too, but I also keep one with stuff I don't care if H sees and a seperate one for our D3. 

If it is something big, I email or text him. 

I feel it is my responsability to share this information, but it is not my responsability to follow up. 

[Trustandlove]

Thanks, HFZ; I think it is me who had the problem in this instance.  I just hate him saying "if I can" to things.  Regarding special needs stuff, that may be even pre-BD; I did it all myself and became resentful...   

Looking deeper inside (the mirror isn't always a comfortable thing...) I do see that it's been me trying to do something, somehow control things or whatever.  And my own deep fear of the "separated" relationship....  I've often felt that I'd rather he had dropped off the face of the earth.  So that's my issue. 

I had a look on the familywizard website, and recoiled -- our sitch definitely isn't what I would describe as "high-conflict"; if we can have a civilised conversation about the childrens' birthday and things like that then this really shouldn't be an issue. 

It's me that has to get over the "If I can" thing, most likely. 

[Hope for Zen]

My H rarely 'commits' to showing up for anything, so I have had to work hard to have no expectations.  Recently he has gotten even more unreliable.  I try not to tell our D that her daddy is comming unless I am SURE.  Even then, I still get caught having to tell her he isn't going to make it to something. 

I think in this case, giving that information to your H about your kids is the more 'dim' thing to do.  It is about letting go, not keeping contact in this context.

Just my .02.

(((hugs)))

[limitless]

Maybe this doesn't relate....as my kids are Juniors in high school and our oldest is in college.
My H is a big (if now unreliable) boy.
He can talk to his kids...find out about events...and go or not go.
I don't feel it is up to me to keep him informed.
If the kids want to tell him...they can.....he can also ask them what they are doing, when, and where.

For those of you with younger kids...it is a different situation.

That's my .02 cents.

L

[Hope for Zen]

I do think it changes when you consider your kid's age.  Also, if the school had sent the same information to both parents, then nothing would need to be said in that case.  Since the school hasn't been communicating with both of them, then it puts the parent who is getting the information in an awkward spot. 

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Dear Friend,

I am not one to try and stir the pot, but it makes me mad when one spouse makes the other responsible for informing the other about schedules and times and events. My w has not attended one awards assembly, attended any parent teacher conferences, spoken to either of my daughter's teachers, and constantly has to be reminded of activities and events coming up.

She had nothing to do with either of the girl's birthday parties other than attend. If your h wants to be a part of your children's lives, then he needs to take an active role in their lives. He has a phone, he can call the school, he can talk to your kids.

I may be hit with a 2X4 on this, but I feel that your h wants you to be responsible for him. It gives him an out at all times and enables him to blame you when he does not feel like being responsible. Everything is always your fault. I get it all the time. If I don't talk enough, then I am ignoring her. Try to talk to her, I'm not giving any space. I think that you and I are in the same lose, lose situation and it is best to just do what makes you happy and don't give a hoot on how your h feels.

As I said before, he can get mad and glad in the same pair of pants he's in. Just my opinion, but I think you are being too kind to him and putting up with too much of his silliness. ((((Hugs)))