[readytofixmyselffirst]

Maybe I am going to take a 2X4 for this, but I am so tired of the comments that one should not question the behavior of the MCLer in front of the children.

Your comment that any spouse should not have a girlfriend or boyfriend while still married I feel is perfectly acceptable. I am not saying you rant about it, but in a calm voice explain that this type of behavior is not acceptable at all. Why should our children face bad adult behavior and we stay quiet about it?

One of my changes that I have worked on me is speaking up with conviction in the face of wrong. I don't care who does the wrong. I even speak up when I have been wrong as well.

I am not going to go along with the flow or with the norm if it goes against my convictions or beliefs. From my perspective, you have every right to let your kids know what you h is doing is wrong and hurtful. This is not hurtful just to you but the kids as well. (((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))).  I think it is fine to talk to your kids about right and wrong even when it comes to your spouse.

[Shantilly Lace]

Here here Ready

[Trustandlove]

Thank you, Ready. 

Yes, I am certainly learning to speak up when I feel something is wrong.  And yes, I have been quick to admit when I'm wrong as well. 

I vacillate on whether it is worth constantly telling H that he is wrong, however.  (this is getting off the subject of kids...). 

But I have also had conversations with the kids on their behaviour, and not just the telling them off for bad behaviour at the dinner table.  I remember my D telling me how she and some friends had treated another girl, and I did ask her to consider that what they did could be described as bullying -- asked her to consider how the other girl felt. 

It worked. 

And yes, I am the parent, and when the opportunity comes I will calmly impart my values to my children. So far I have said to my D that yes, he is married to me and when you get married you promise _____, ______, and _____.  That isn't to be taken lightly.  That I think it is wrong to have a girlfriend in this situation. 

As it was never overt before the subject never came up this way. 

It is also important for them to not see me as a doormat. 

I realise that telling them all this might get back to him, at least I work on the assumption that anything I say gets back, as they tell me what he says.  And yes, he knows my stance, so that is fine as well. 

This still feels like a nightmare from which I should be waking, and then there is the double horror of realising that it isn't a bad dream. 

[HeartsBlessing]

Don't let the situation turn into a competition between you and the OW, TAL.  And don't let her have "power" over you...do NOT ever allow her to make you feel that you aren't "good" enough.

All that glitters is NOT gold; and your children will see through all of it, in time, as the new will wear off...and what's underneath won't be all that it seems.

This will come in time.

I have not dealt with what you're talking about; but I know that as a mother, you've done all you can do for your children; and you won't "lose" your children to OW.

Children need MORE than material things; they need a shoulder to lean upon when times get hard, they need love and understanding when they need it, and they need to have someone to count on.

You ARE that someone; you are their MOTHER; and NOTHING will EVER take that away from you.

You are a rock for your children, stronger than you will ever take credit for.  In spite of all of the mistakes you've beaten yourself up for, you have BEEN THERE for your children; and in many ways, you will always be there.

You've given them MORE than your husband will ever think about giving them; he abandoned them, you did NOT.

Give yourself MORE credit for being who you are; and for the strength you have shown in such a terrible situation that has gone on for SO long.

Above all, hold your head up high; you did NOT commit adultery, your husband did.

You are in a better place than he will ever be in; you retain your integrity, honesty; and you are guilt free...he is NOT.

Just a few words of encouragement; you're handling the situation the best way you know how; and you're doing fine.

Much love,
HB

[Trustandlove]

Thank you so much for stopping by and for your kind words, HB.  They always mean a lot. 

It's better this morning; with the kids, at least -- getting back to normal.  Rationing computer game time, getting on them to do things that I ask, making them get dressed, asking about homework for tomorrow, etc.     They are still enthusing about how nice their holiday was, but I haven't heard OW name.  I listen to it the way I would about a school trip. 

I am careful not to tell them that all divorce is wrong, that any marriage is forever -- they don't know, but my very bad choices as a late teen/young 20's was marrying my high school boyfriend, someone I should never have got involved with in the first place.  That was my reaction to my father's alcolhism/mother's affair/parents' divorce.  I came to my senses and got out pretty quickly after I actually married the guy,  but it's also something that happened and is part of my past.    It took 2 years for a divorce to be official, (which was longer than the "marriage"....) during which time I did have some dates, but didn't have a physical relationship.  I was first introduced to H somewhere in the middle there, but there certainly was no relationship and I didn't see him again for 18 months, by which time that previous mess was all over. 

I talk about owning up to your mistakes, and that forgiveness is possible when you own up to your mistakes, are truly sorry, know they were wrong, do your best to make amends and resolve not to repeat those mistakes. 

That sometimes you do something thinking that it is OK, but then realise you were wrong.  That happens because we are human.  That the important thing is to own up to having done wrong, and to take steps to correct it.  Lord knows I've done enough of that. 

Thank you, I feel much stronger with regards to the children right now. 

[Phoenix]

Why are many MLCs so cruel to their families and utterly disconnected from their children?  My H. does not look at or talk to our daughter unless she speaks first and she is not interested given his affair.  It is miserable.  Why no regard for the family they once loved?  He seems to keep "punishing" us every time we dare assert a boundary or our D. will not just "get over it" and accept his new life.  Once again, he has disappeared since yesterday afternoon.  No word. It scares our daughter, but he cares not.  He says he wants out, and we have now had to ask him to leave for our sanity, but he has not moved yet.  He says after the first of the year.  Why does this make me so sad when I know it is necessary?  Ugh.  Will I EVER get stronger and be able to choose joy?!
Phoenix

[OliveOyl]

I think it's because they are stuck in their own head and are EXTREMELY selfish during this time.  I have noticed over time, it changes towards the children.

I'm not mature enough to have any good advice, but if you want him to leave, maybe you shouldn't let him tell you when he is going to leave.  If you need to protect yourself and your D, don't let him tell you when.  Tell him when he needs to be out by and follow through.  I know it's been said in many posts not to boot them out because they will blame you. 

[LosingHope]

Pheonix
Sometimes for your own piece of mind and that of you D's them moving out is the best answer.
If I had to be with my H trough this on a full time basis I would certainly have been committed already. Have a good holiday and enjoy

[xyzcf]

You will get stronger and you will expereince joy again..it will be with small things but it will come.

[rememberer]

Yes, I have noticed that disconnect with the children, too. It's so very sad and hurtful to the kids as well. They (the MLC'er)almost become one of the kids, sort of like a selfish teenager that only thinks of me, me, me and more me. It's crazy making for the LBS especially if they have teenagers at home...it feels like they ALL are just thinking about their own needs and you are the only one sane and still giving, giving, giving. There  are times when I wished I beaten him to the punch sort of, in that, I had been the one to run off and get my own place and think of only me for a change. But I would never do that.  Someone has to run this ship!

Even the teenagers(the kids)themselves notice this change within their Dad. He puts his and OW's needs before us, and they resent that, and think it's weird. He is turning them against him and he can't see it for the fog. We(the LBS) have to stay out of it, or they will blame us. I say let the chips fall where they may. The kids are wanting to be with him less and less because of it.

One day he will be sorry and have a lot to make up for, but one can only control oneself and try and validate the kids feelings,give them as much love and support that we can, as they are feeling it just like us.

I feel for you, as I could not have him like that living amongst us, like he is. NC is so much better, and I think helps protect the kids too. Try to ignore him as much as possible and go  with your life in a detached fashion. Try to remember that it's not you that is nuts...it's him!

Hugs to you and your kids. May you find strength.