[readytofixmyselffirst]

Research article #1. This was research done on spirituality and divorce.  Over all, the article found that children of divorced families had higher levels of anxiety and depression than intact families. It went on to state that the divorce really makes those that have spirituality in the home question their own beliefs in other words, a strong Christian family that frowned on divorce the children's own spirituality would be more impacted than a family that did not have spirituality.

The part most interesting to you my friend that the study really pointed at the individual's coping skills to the event. Your h needs to be aware of his daughter's coping skills and strategies. Especially if the retention of the family is important to her. My advice is to work with you and your kids on coping just with the issues between you and h. Neither one of you should attempt to bring in new "loves" to the children at this time. It will only add to their stress and anxiety.

Hope this helps. I will have more research tomorrow.

[HeartsBlessing]

PS- Maybe you should put sugar in OW's gas tank or sell her credit card # to the Russian mafia. Also, you may want to send ow on a scenic hiking trip on either the Iranian or North Korean border. It may be a tad expensive, but the results are very satisfying. HeHeHe

I'm sorry, but I laughed until tears spurted out of my eyes; first Ready is heavily into STONING the adulterers, and if that wasn't funny enough; he comes up with this!!! LOL!!

Buggy, you have more power than you think; you can restrict what your husband does in regards to exposing the children to OW; you don't KNOW that OW would be good to your children; it is likely, she may NOT be; and she may be abusive toward them.

The trouble with your husband is that he is NOT thinking about the welfare of the children, he is only thinking of himself; and how this suits HIM.

You ARE THEIR MOTHER; and you have a huge say, regardless of whether your husband likes it or not.

Protect the children at all costs; and set your boundaries well in regards to the children.

[Shantilly Lace]

Ready I understand your statement I really do.  In a perfect world it would be ideal.

You know this and I know this, but we are talking about MLC and they really aren't known for thinking clearly or rationally, or actually caring about what another thinks.

This is why I say take the power back from them.

If he sneaks the kids out (a likely hood) really how is that better with him saying don't tell mum as she will be mad/sad blah blah blah and then the kids letting slip and feeling awful as mum stands still looking shocked, ill and horrified as she tries to process it all. This way you have some control.  You have a chance to stop the cycle of lies before it even looks like happening

If you think he will respect this paticular thing fine stand your ground but chances are with OW pushing it will happen.

LOL definately outnumbered it's just I have seen it happen as well.

[xyzcf]

I have to agree with HB..protect those kids at all costs! This is not a game. We see and hear of horrible abuses all the time..I do not wish to frighten anyone but I have worked with children who have been physically and sexually abused and I would be very cautious as to who gets to be with my children.

You may at some point be forced legally to allow your H to have what he wants..but in the meantime, your control is tied into what is best for your kids. I'm not trying to be vindictive..but really, this is MLC right and everything that we think our spouse would NEVER do has been shown that unfortunately they will do.

[Shantilly Lace]

Exactly Xyzcf which is why I say keep it in the open.
It may seem as if I am standing up for OW BUT i AM THINKING OF THE KIDS.
If they don't get a chance to sneak it then the kids are exposed to LESS lies.
If you meet OW you are real and a formidable force.  NOT just a shadow.

I will shut up now but I SEE it very differently to everyone else.  I don't know why it is.
It isn't that they are wrong but I sense you think he may sneak them out.

Only you can judge if he will sneak them to her or not.

And you can decide what to do from there

[HeartsBlessing]

Shantilly,

I only know what I get out of reading the threads; you do have a valid point; but the track records of OWs in regards to MLC'er's children, aren't great; and I'd hate to see the children abused by Buggy's husband's OW or EVEN Buggy's husband; considering his track record of the past.  It is rare that an OW doesn't abuse children.  You don't know what happens when the children leave your care; depending upon how old the children are.

My concern is for the well being and protection of the children; I wasn't trying to "outnumber" you, or cast my vote opposite you; you are entitled to your opinion just as much as the rest of us; so feel free to elaborate at any time...and I realize you don't need my permission to do just that.

I'm simply explaining what I think; and what my intuition tells me at this point.

And my intuition tells me to advise protecting the children at all costs; her husband is not very trustworthy based on his past track record.

Sorry, Buggy, I call it like I see it.

You could do what Shantilly is suggesting; but only if you're comfortable with it; I cannot say that it would lessen the lies that are being told; but from what Shantilly has described, she has experience with making sure the OW knows her place; as she is operating from a position of strength, not weakness.

Me, I don't care what the adults are about; I only care for the welfare of the children...that's my only concern.

I know the child we had was a teen when my husband was going through his crisis, but my protective instincts were just as strong then, as they'd been when son was little.

No one was ever going to get the opportunity to mistreat my child; whoever would try that would have had have to run a literal hole through me to do it.  And don't think for one second I would have stood for my husband mistreating our son. He would have had to deal with ME; and it wouldn't have been pretty at all.

This is all just my opinion, other than what my intuition was telling me....and I don't have all the right answers all the time.  I get quite emotional when it comes to children and the possibility of them being mistreated by someone...the little ones don't have a way of defending themselves; and it is up to us as the parents/adults to care for them, and take care of them.

Buggy, you continue to be in my prayers; for God to guide you in the decision that is before you.  He will guide you into what you must needs to do; this I know with a certainty.

Much love to you,
HB

[Shantilly Lace]

LOL HB,
Your concerns are valid as well, Buggy unfortunately will have to figure this out.

My standing on position of strength comes from the fact that if I am seen as strong she will be less likely to 'hurt' my girls.
Believe me I told OW exactly how it would be.
BUT then agan my H is totally different and I trusted him to make sure the girls were never hurt like that.  One of the few things I do trust him with.  I know this deep in my soul.  he has distanced himself in day to day but if someone goes to hurt them he is THERE all over them LOL.
I also clearly remember a conversation he had with OW and he was ripping shreds off of her as she had tried to discipline the girls.  He was telling her she had no right to do it at all. He didn't know i could hear this conversation by the way.

[justasking]

The bottom line is as mothers or fathers we may have to justify in later years why we let them go and stay with OW/OM, partucularly for the younger ones who have very little say on what adults do around them.

The younger they are the less cognitive ability they will have to understand and work out what the dynamics of this 'new' relationship.

In some respects we parents with teenagers and young adults are lucky. They set their boundaries and stick with them. Even when they meet OW/OM they have an option to vote with their feet.

No matter how hard we try and protect our children the impact of a seperation is devastating. Children are very black and white how they view the demise of their parents marriage even if those parents are lucky enough to rebuild a relationship at a later date.

Buggy I think you are right to talk to your children's counsellor and get advice.

xx

[Buggy31]

I knew there might be some debates on this one....but really...I think it's good to be able to explore all sides of this...really...my first instinct is of course...NO OW....and like I said before this is less about kids then it is about control....so my intuition is providing me with some direction at this point....and one avenue I am considering is of course STALLING and being less defensive with the issue to allow for more STALLING.....I WOULD ALSO INSIST

A.  on meeting her should there come a time when I must let them meet her...and I will be straight, short and somewhat sweet.(see below).
B.  Asking my H to meet with D therapist to discuss a plan which is sensitive to her needs and voice
C.  Buying my D a cell phone to be kept to call if she needs to
D.  NO SLEEPOVERS
E.  Must know where they're going and who they'll be with

These are LAST RESORT/WORST CASE scenarios...because I want to avoid there exposure to this OW...Some of these may stall them as well because I get the sense she kind of a wimp and my be afraid to meet with me...maybe not...just a feeling I get...I think RCR talks about it...she's clinger...

This is what I would say to her if I met with her
"I am not happy with this situation....I believe it is wrong and hurtful to both my children and I....this is the hand of cards I've been dealt so I'm tolerating this....I will be polite to you OW in front of my children for the sake of my children.....it will be an act to protect them from conflict...I know you will understand as a mother yourself...I only want what's best for them"

SL what did you say to OW...just curious..maybe I could steal some lines....

HB...as always thank you for weighing in...I totally appreciate your perspective and feel you and I are similiar in the way that we grew up in abusive situations as children which makes us particularly sensitive to this issue...This issue doesn't only tap into what I believe is right and essential as a mother but also triggers some major childhood wounds that brings up fear, anxiety etc...I NEVER CHOSE this situation for my children....and I get angry to think that there could be a possibililty they would be in harms way....I will not take this lightly and am going to really pray about it....Thank you everybody for your honesty and concerns.  I'll keep you updated.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

First of all,  I am going to state that I am totally against ow meeting your children. At this point, do you have confidence in your h's ability to make sound decisions? This woman knows you and your h are married but still hooked up with him. That demonstrates the complete lack of her moral character as well.

Have you ever heard of the phrase "A fool and his money will soon be parted"? How about my "An idiot MLCer with his equally idiot skanky ow will somehow or someway harm his kids?" Somehow those two phrases should connect and when I figure out how, I will let you know, but I digress.

I have concerns about my w's thinking process. She has left the stove on and burnt food. She leaves things in the microwave. She forgets dates and appointments.

I have issues with her watching her own kids and they almost 11 and 15. Do you want to turn your babies over to to nutjobs?

Let'em experiment and hurt her kids. Until then, she stays out of YOUR kids lives.  (((Hugs)))