[stayed]

Oh my yes...  Hugh Jackman, is yummy!

Hugs Stayed

[Thunder]

That article hit my first H to a tee!!!

My current X diagnosed himself.  He has Social Anxiety.
I saw a book he bought on the subject.  He has no friends, hates social gatherings (sweats and gets very anxious), hates crowds and keeps his distance from any real contact from any one, except me.

I think that is why he hasn't met an ow in all this time.  I don't credit myself for this because I know darn well he would LOVE to meet someone new, but he doesn't put himself out there.  He tried a few times in the beginning but gave up pretty fast.
 
He is such a loner, always has been and all his activities are solo, like running or walking the dogs places where there are few people. Even ignores what little family he has to the point of them giving up.
I think that is the reason he never moved out.  He kind of clings to the one person he feels comfortable around.  Me.

Anyway, interesting subject/article.   Really got me thinking.

[Searching4Answers]

I'm curious about the MLCer that doesn't leave. I have realized that my H has always had some narcissistic tendencies and now he is off the charts. I have read that narcissists fear being alone and I think this has a lot to do with why my H is still at home.

For those with their MLCer still at home - did you see narcissistic tendencies in your H's before MLC/BD?

[Yoyolove]

S4A,  I was not aware narcissists fear being alone. I wonder if that is why my X is asking me to move back home?

[summer90]

Hi Searching4answers,

I read all the narcissistic characteristics and my H is one of them.  It's unbelievable how many boxes he ticks.

My H is still at home even though he said he was filing for divorce today.  He hates being alone.  I was told by a psychologist that he wold probably suicide if I left because I am the only glue holding him together.

[rosecoloredglasses]

Hi Everyone,

I don't post often, but I had to chime in on this thread because I have been thinking the same thing lately.  I have an MLCer who has not left and it is no picnic walking around on eggshells all the time, although he mostly does his own thing.

The current status is no affair.  He had an EA (in his head) with a younger colleague who he then kissed once at a party.  This rocked his world and was the first sign of the crisis to come.  Originally, I thought I'd had BD on Christmas 2013 when he told me what had happened 2 days after the party.  But I realize now, that was not a true bomb drop because he was confused, apologetic, and really devastated with himself for letting it happen.  He told me he felt that he was in love with this girl and it was the real deal and what he felt was stronger than anything he had ever felt for me.  At that time, he said he still loved me.  But he did the right thing and ended it.  She wasn't interested anyway.  If she had been, I'm sure he'd probably be gone by now, but he's here.

I got the "my feelings have changed" speech in February and he started sleeping in the basement in April.  My H is big-time conflict avoider.  If I hadn't pushed him, I doubt he would have said anything to me at all.  He mostly avoids me, but seems pretty normal otherwise.  Interacts with the kids, doesn't spend money recklessly, has been spending time working on his garden. 

I'm not sure what will happen and when.  Honestly, reading this site has made me so much stronger.  I have a feeling he will stick around if I leave him alone and don't nag him or demand he talk.  I've tried and I get no answers.  The first time in February he said, "We don't have to decide now." on the topic of divorce, which I brought up.  A couple of weeks ago, I tried talking to him and he said he did not want to talk.  I got out one question:  "How long are we going to live like this?"  He replied that it was up to me to decide.  WTF?  Seriously!

I have 3 kids under 9 and am a stay-home mom, though I have kept my professional requirements current and could go back to work at any time if I find the right job.  But my baby is only 18 months.  I just don't know anymore.

My H is not really annoying or monstery or even mean.  He just doesn't talk to me unless he has to.  If I speak first, he answers, but he rarely initiates.  Sometimes he stays in the basement a lot and doesn't even sit at the table with us for dinner.  Other times, he acts fairly normal.  I guess that is his cycling?  He hasn't taken control of the finances or even made any comments about money.  Things are just continuing on as always.  It's like he can't be bothered.

I think the reasons he stays are:  1.  Nobody else to run off to 2.  I'm pretty easy to live with.  3.  He doesn't want to deal with having to tell the kids.  4. His parents would be really angry with him for abandoning his family (He's Asian, so this is a HUGE deal.)  5.   it's easier financially.

I let him stay because:  I care for him and he was a really great guy before all this happened and I don't want to give up so easily, THE KIDS  I don't want to imagine telling them we're getting a D.  My greatest wish is for them to grow up in an intact family.  Also, financial reasons.

What do you guys think?

[Songanddance]

A couple of weeks ago, I tried talking to him and he said he did not want to talk.  I got out one question:  "How long are we going to live like this?"  He replied that it was up to me to decide.  WTF?  Seriously!

Hi RCG - you are still in the very early days of this mess and it would suggest that you have a low energy wallower who probably won't leave but will live a completely separate and remote life from you.

My live in has been here for 16 months and the one thing I learned early on was not to bring up the R - certainly never mention divorce because it sows seeds in their heads and just " put up with it" for want of a better word. 

I am not in the least surprised by your H's answer. MLCers seek control and to be controlled. My MLCer once said when I said I was not going to control his mind (BTW my T said not to say that as it puts the negative into his head)  "well I wish you would control me and tell me what I should do"
It's a form of projection and only feeds their thinking that they have made the right decision in breaking off the marriage.

Just live your life for you. Do not rescue , enable or even talk about anything but the essentials. Share the parenting for as long as it lasts and act with grace and dignity. That has served me well over the last 16 months.

[Dagolark]

My guy has social anxiety too. Never goes out and when he does its always with the same two loser friends from back in high school. When we were long distance he spent his time on his own playing guitar or watching telly, he was never the sociable kind.

This is why I'm so shocked he found an ow! Where did he even meet her? When, when he only went out without me a few hours on sat? He doesn't know any girls and has no chance usually to meet them, s he must literally be the first girl that spoke to him! Why not while I was abroad then, why wait till I got back? He suddenly wantsto go out and party and get drunk when he never did in 32 years. .. o.O

[rosecoloredglasses]

Thanks, Song and Dance!

You are so right and I have been very independent lately.  I love GALing and it feels good to do it without guilt since my H has always hated socializing.  It's hard to break some habits like making dinner and stuff like that.  I mean, I still make dinner, but I used to tailor it to him.  I'd make something separately than what me and the kids had because he gets tired of the same old stuff.  Not anymore!  If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to eat it!

Dagolark, that is really interesting about social anxiety.  I'm not sure I would say that my H has that, but he is definitely distrustful of people and prefers to be by himself or just with the kids. 

[xyzcf]

Appearances are everything - absolutely my h. But not in a materialistic fashion in the way others viewed him, he must be the good guy. He would bend over backwards for someone outside his family but never for the family itself

Absolutely!!!!!