[elray]

Hey JOS, my threads are private now, but my W and OM stopped everything about 15 months ago --  pretty consistent with the oxytocin 12-month high ending --  but they continued to work together at a charity until recently -- and his toxic influence was still in the air. 

The karma bus came along and he was publicly humiliated and busted stealing from the charity -- what a champ -- he no longer works or lives in the area. 

Wallowing, Depression, Anxiety, and many other MLC symptoms persist, but she's slowly recovering and attempting to reconnect.  First with the kids, and later -- about a year later -- even with me.

[jos]

Wow, Elray.  Sounds like you and your W are making progress. That's fantastic news. I remember contacting you last Oct and things were still really bad between you both, so things must have moved on since then. I;m so pleased for you.

I have a feeling H is is liminality at the moment. He is SO depressed (since March this year) and I can literally see the fear and hopelessness in his eyes. He never communicates except about trivialities, and he's SOOOOO exhausted all the time. At least he's started sleeping a bit more than in the past 5 years and is tentatilvely moving towards getting a new job/career.

I am still learning to go with the process and trust in it and what it brings. It is hard, but I believe we, too, are moving in the right direction. Let's hope we both make it to purple on the community board.

Thanks for updating me on your sitch. I;m really pleased for you.

Jos

[OffRoad]

Hi jos,
It's really hard when they look so sad and pathetic. You want to help, but you know you just can't.

The only thing that works for me is to treat my H like another body in the house, almost like an adult child. I am lucky that my kids are D18 and S16, so they can take care of themselves if needed. My H sleeps in the spare room, and has since February of this year. I suspect he was in MLC for 2.5 years before that, but I continued on with my life as I knew nothing of MLC. No OW to my knowledge, but I do suspect a one sided EA with someone from work that he became disenchanted with in December last year.

I don't talk about emotions, ever. I don't let him disrespect anyone in the house. I insist on common courtesy. If he does not tell me where he is, I don't tell him where I am (and if the kids are with me, he won't know where they are either). I let him sleep until noon on weekends and go to bed at 7PM if he wants, but don't modify my schedule because of it (the washing machine and dryer are on the same wall as the head of his bed). If he's not home by the time I clean up the kitchen from dinner, I put the food in the fridge and let him know it is there. I do not change my schedule for anything he wants unless it is something I want as well. I am in the process of recovering the couch and loveseat and don't care if he has no place to sit.

In the past week we have been having discussions that end in acceptable compromises for both of us, where these same discussions were arguments with no resolution before. While he brought one slurpee for D,S and me to share while he got himself a whole one, that is still a good step in the "consideration for others" department. He has been extra nice to the 9 year old guinea pig and cleaned it's cage (That has always been my job by default, with help from the kids). He actually passed along invitations to get-togethers, where he hasn't for 2 years. I take none of that as anything truly positive. It just is.

I do know that when my H feels too close to me, he backs away the next day. I do look at that as a good sign. At least he cares enough to worry about it.

If I could tell you anything, it would be to live your life as you would if your H were not there, being polite a courteous, and placing no importance on anything he does until the day he come to you and says "I can't believe what I have done. Is there any chance for us and if so, what do I need to do to make this right?" JMO, of course.

[elray]

Jos,

I think the hardest part is expectation.. As they start to come back you find out you won the "most broken person ever" award.    Takes a long time I suppose to get to a good place.

[hopingpraying]

Hi JOS!

I am still living with my H. some days are easy, some are hard. BUT, I do notice the less interested I seem in him the more he wants to share with me and know where I am. SMH

You have been given some great advice here. Find somewhere that you can hang our and have fun and laugh. I have a friend that has me over from time to time and I take the kids to see my niece and her little boy on the weekends. It helps keep the kids and I sane.

Keep your interactions as minimal as you can.  It seems as though you are doing a pretty good job. You mentioned that you felt happier when he was not around. To me, that sounds like you are getting to a good place.  I am newer however, so I could be wrong. BUT, to me it looks like you are doing pretty good.

[jos]

Elray

I think the hardest part is expectation. That's the same no matter where you are in this shs!t. 

Hi Hopingpraying.  BUT, I do notice the less interested I seem in him the more he wants to share with me and know where I am.

My MLCer is so deep in his depression funk that he doesn't seem to know if I'm there or not. Hopefully this will pass in the next few months.  It's kinda comforting to know (once you believe it) that there is a process at work here and you just need to trust in it. I have days when I do trust in it, and on the whole, looking back over the past 4.5 years I can see progress. At least our Hs are comfortable enough being in the same house as us! That must be a very disguised blessing, IMO!!!

Thanks for stopping by and giving me your take Hopingpraying. Will catch up on your thread soon. It's great to hear from people who have live-at-home MLCers, facing all the same sh!t I am.

Jos x

[jos]

Offroad. Sounds like you have your MLCer sussed and under control. You seem to be able to look at this thing fom a place of dispassion and distance, and behave accordingly. That's gret. It's a shame I can't do that after 4.5 years. I think I take a long time to learn.    But I;m getting there.

Jos

[jos]

Elray. I was intrigued by your last comment.

Wallowing, Depression, Anxiety, and many other MLC symptoms persist, but she's slowly recovering and attempting to reconnect.  First with the kids, and later -- about a year later -- even with me.

You say your messages are now private, but I'd really like to know in what form your Ws attempts at reconnecting are taking. It would be really useful to know if I am experiencing the same efforts here. It is so difficult to tell as I;m too close to this, but I can always recognise those same attempts in another persons story.

If you'd prefer to not say,that's fine. You could always PM me if you'd prefer

x

[jos]

Thanks for all your great advice, guys.

Quick update:   Things have been such a lot better since I had a lot of advice reminding me how to detach.  As soon as I started focussing (again) on my own life and not his, things have been a lot more manageable. I've even had a few normal adult conversations with him this week. Result. 

I'm so glad I've been reminded to turn off all expectations.  Since doing so, I suppose H must have stopped feeling so pressurised, because he's being a bit more open about his  emotional distress (feeling useless, past his prime, too old to do anything worthwhile, depressed about his future career (or lack thereof)......

Observations:

I am getting glimpses of him thinking about his future. (He asked me today what I thought about my new-found self-employment and I think that was because he's finally thinking of taking the plunge to do it himself. 

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that he was finally getting round  to update his CV with the hopes of finding a job more suited to his skills and interests. He is still doing this, and has even sent me a copy of 2 (different) CVs and accepted my advice on how to improve them.  RESULT.

He's planning a couple of sick days next week (unheard of) so that he do more work on the CVs and get them off  to agencies soon. He has July 1st as a deadline as he'll see his careers advisor on that date.

He's talking about having an online course written and set up by that date too - something he's been talking about for YEARS, and which will be the first step to becoming self employed (his dream).


I think he may be seeing a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel......  This deep depression certainly seems to be the time they start to make the changes. It's quite interesting to see all of RCRs work coming into play. Thank God for HS. It has truly helped me keep my sanity!

Thanks for listening to my observations. It's good to be able to see some positives and forward movement.  I hope you're all having some of these, too.

Jos

[jos]

Just a bit of journalling:

H is applying for a job in Barcelona.(we live in the UK).  Not sure it's because he's trying to 'escape', or if it's a positive movement forward. Could go either way.

One thing's for sure: if he gets the job(or one like it), I will be unable to do my job. I am self employed and work mainly weekends and evenings so I rely on him to look after the kids on those days as we have no family in the area.

The irony is that he always blamed his MLC on me because I haven't worked for 10 years, leaving him with all  financial responsibilities. Now I do work and contribute financially, its still not making him happy.    It must have escaped his attention that those 10 years were spent bringing up his 3 kids, (one of whom  is autistic) and not  drinking coffee and eating cake all day.

This stinks.  I lOVE my job.