[stayed]

My husband was home for the first 6 years of his MLC.... "thought I would lose my mind"!  It would be so easy to HATE THEM, at times I know I did.  He was so untrustworthy, so selfish, so unkind!  Seriously, I used to ask myself, "why am I still here?"  I toyed with the idea that he was having some sort of a "crisis", not much information about such a thing, other then some  "old fool", who dumps his family, spends all their money on a fancy, very expensive "sport car" and takes up with some buxom, blond, BIMBO, 20 years or more, his junior.  In fact, the closer they were to their "youngest daughters" age, the better, HELL, better yet, HOW ABOUT THE OW BE YOUR youngest D's best friend!  Yea! "


We moved to Europe at the beginning of his 6 or 7th. year (I was beyond counting).  Almost didn't come with him, accept my mother told me, "a wife's place is beside her husband"... thanks Mom!    The next two years were amazing!  Incredible, in fact!  It was like the honeymoon we never had, only much, much longer then any honeymoon should ever be.  WE went on some amazing vacations, ate out at amazing restaurants, drank wonderful wines, returned to old activities that we hadn't done in years, such as "curling" and heck, making love!  Yea... it was incredible.

Then, something started to change.  He became moody, distant, weepy.  He started exercising again.  He spent a lot of time over his appearance.  He was later and later getting home.  He was critical, nasty.  Drinking heavily.  He had found another woman.  Somewhere in the 8th. year of his "crisis", he went over the edge.  Took the plunge.  Abandoned everything he believed in.  Slipped deeply into the tunnel.


His crisis began slowly around 1996 and he began (the operative word BEGAN) to emerge in 2006.  Crazy,  Mine ran home immediately to the refuge of  my strength.  My strength barely handled it. So crazy, I managed to survive 6 whole years all on my lonesome, but when we began reconnecting, I had to find some help.  If it had not been for forum's like Surviving Infidelity and friends like Hyperglad, I would never have gotten through it.  She introduced me to The Hero's Spouse, I have been here ever since.  At first learning, struggling, surviving.  Now, PAYING FORWARD! 


There is no way of knowing the outcome of your partner, your marriage.  There is only one way of "getting through it" though, and that is by taking care of yourself, learning, be willing to change, to see your own flaws.  Know what to change and what to leave alone, know that that is only done by experimenting.  Mostly, be patient with yourself.  If possible "laugh" at your spouse "cra cra craziness"... but please know... YOU CAN'T HELP HIM/HER!  Only he/she can do that!
hugs Stayed

[OffRoad]

How long has this been going on for Offroad?

In hindsight, it started in December of 2011. My personality type is if he wants to be a bozo, he can do it on his own time, I have better things to do. It's not like two kids raise themselves. And I'd go do my own thing until he was mostly normal. So he cycled a lot until his version of BD came in February of this year, though his nasty behavior ramped up the February before. I suspect he had an emotional attachment to a person at work (who would never have encouraged him) and he had just started that job 2 months prior in 2011. She went though IVF and when she went out on maternity leave in December of last year, and never even told him "See ya when I come back", I think it sent him over the edge. When she came back and looked like the average 40 year old woman who just had a baby plus post partum depression and feeling pretty lousy, that's when he BD'd on me. And lost his job. But if he was half as nutty at work as he was at home, I can see why they let him go. I knew he was messed up, I just didn't know how bad, so it was a real shock. Midlife crisis never entered my mind, although again in hindsight when he took me to look at a sports car, I should have figured it out. But again, I told him if he wanted it, he should have it, he worked hard for his money. I'll bet he was disappointed he couldn't act PO'd at me for that.  But I still have it so much better than most people at the moment. If mine goes off the deep end like's stayed's did, I'm afraid I won't have as happy an ending as she did.

[stayed]

This MLC stuff is pretty unpredictable.  That's why it's essential for the LBS to do the work.  We have to get ourselves to the place where, "whatever the outcome" WE WILL BE OK!  The thing to always remember, if we work through this ordeal properly, if our spouses return, we will be in a good mental place to work with them, towards a new and better relationship then the one we had.  If our spouses don't return, ever, we are still in a good enough place that we will be able to have a good life totally on our own, or if we so choose, with a new partner.

If we do the work on ourselves, whatever the outcome, will be a "win/win"!

Hugs Stayed

[RainbowGal]

This MLC stuff is pretty unpredictable.  That's why it's essential for the LBS to do the work.  We have to get ourselves to the place where, "whatever the outcome" WE WILL BE OK!  The thing to always remember, if we work through this ordeal properly, if our spouses return, we will be in a good mental place to work with them, towards a new and better relationship then the one we had.  If our spouses don't return, ever, we are still in a good enough place that we will be able to have a good life totally on our own, or if we so choose, with a new partner.

If we do the work on ourselves, whatever the outcome, will be a "win/win"!

 This should be a sticky!!!

"A beautiful woman delights the eye; a wise woman, the understanding; a pure one, the soul."-Minna Antrim

[Divided V. Stand]

This MLC stuff is pretty unpredictable.  That's why it's essential for the LBS to do the work.  We have to get ourselves to the place where, "whatever the outcome" WE WILL BE OK!  The thing to always remember, if we work through this ordeal properly, if our spouses return, we will be in a good mental place to work with them, towards a new and better relationship then the one we had.  If our spouses don't return, ever, we are still in a good enough place that we will be able to have a good life totally on our own, or if we so choose, with a new partner.

If we do the work on ourselves, whatever the outcome, will be a "win/win"!

Hugs Stayed

I'm filing this one in the "words of gold" folder. Thanks, stayed! 
 It was interesting to read about your move to Europe, since I will most likely be faced with the same situation next summer. It is a tough one - something we agreed upon before the onslaught of MLC and my W wants it bad. So, if I back out, it will be thrown in my face for the rest of my days, MLC or not. (besides, I'd effectively be abandoning my kids or taking their mother away from them). If I stick to the plan, I'm certainly not making my life any easier - I'll still need to be in the US for about four months each year (business to run, luckily I can do the rest of the year long distance - our only source of income at this point) - which even BEFORE MLC seemed like a recipe for relationship trouble. We thought we were strong enough to survive that.......well, apparently that is not the case. It will be interesting to see how it changes the dynamics (either way), since that seems to have happened in your case.

[stayed]

I wonder if you will get a couple year reprieve like we did Divided?  It was like a "miracle" cure for us.  Must have been the distraction, the newness, the incredible sense of adventure.  I also wonder if that is one of the things that HELPED us to recover from his eventual affair?  What I mean is, we had been experiencing an absolutely FANTASTIC time, then his CRISIS seemed to hit with an almighty force.  I wonder if we were able to recover from it BECAUSE we had had this amazing "reconnection" in the first 2 years in Luxembourg, Europe.

Just wondering?  All I can say Divided,  you seem to have the "attitude" and the inner strength to carry on living with your spouse.  The only thing I worry about is the affair.  If your wife is actually involved now, getting her away might be a possible solution but I must warn you, I had/have a very good friend who moved to Indonesia with his MLC wife, who of course had an OM.  It went badly.  Although she really wanted to be there, she seemed incapable of breaking the ties with the OM.  In the end, she returned home to Australia, he remained with his wonderful new job, and they SHARED their daughter, whom both of them love with a passion.  His wife is now married to her OM.

The point is, as long as you have NO EXPECTATIONS, then you should be ok.  When my h and I came over here, I thought our marriage was done.  We had been struggling for the last 6 years in Ottawa, we were not happy campers, in any at all.  So I guess my EXPECTATIONS were zilch!!  When we had such a WONDERFUL time, my whole attitude changed.  I believed we were on the mend, and if anything had become convinced that we WERE INVINCIBLE!  We could weather anything!  We were amazing together!  Meant to be together!

THEN CRASH... the debris was scattered for miles.  My heart was so shattered I am amazed I was able to put it back together again.  As long as you are prepared and even if things are going really, really, really amazingly well... you should be fine. That's the beauty of forums like this, pretty much every situation has happened already, so there is always somebody to give you "food for thought"!  Nothing can ever prepare you if it doesn't work out, but at least you knew it might not... or it might work out great!

Oh dang... have I said recently....I HATE MLC!!

hugs Stayed

[Divided V. Stand]

Just wondering?  All I can say Divided,  you seem to have the "attitude" and the inner strength to carry on living with your spouse.  The only thing I worry about is the affair.  If your wife is actually involved now, getting her away might be a possible solution but I must warn you, I had/have a very good friend who moved to Indonesia with his MLC wife, who of course had an OM.  It went badly.  Although she really wanted to be there, she seemed incapable of breaking the ties with the OM.  In the end, she returned home to Australia, he remained with his wonderful new job, and they SHARED their daughter, whom both of them love with a passion.  His wife is now married to her OM.

Oh, it gets better, stayed - OM IS in Europe! (hence the European trip together in October). Yeah, I know, to a logically thinking person it must seem like I'd be bringing her to him... The affair seems to be fizzling, although I could be wrong, have no proof of that. If all goes as planned I know I'll have a really hard time next year when I leave my family in Europe to come across the Atlantic for 4 months - especially if I'm wrong about the fizzling. I'll try to remember to trust the process. If I break my word and we don't go, surely there will be a different affair soon and now she'll feel that much more justified, because I don't care about her feelings and desires. Bit of a Catch XXII. I don't want to get caught up in preparing for every possible scenario, that would be madness. The fact that I could make things a lot worse by "serving" my W and kids to OM bothers me, but I trust I'll make the right decision if I keep my eyes and heart open. (hopefully my brains don't fall out in the process). It is slightly comforting to know that OM - when pressured about his R with my W by his wife, said: "Why would I get involved with a woman that has two kids?" Real noble and a sign of true love 

.... agreed - I hate MLC

[stayed]

It is slightly comforting to know that OM - when pressured about his R with my W by his wife, said: "Why would I get involved with a woman that has two kids?" Real noble and a sign of true love  

 

WOW, sounds like a real charmer!  Seriously, what can they be thinking?

I'm thinking you better give this idea a BIT more thought Divided.  In all honesty, it is not your trustworthiness that is being questioned.  I'm not sure you should be trying to impress her with your reliability and "keeping your word" and all that stuff.  This sort of thing has a nasty way of BITING us right on the backside.  If you do not want to lose your children completely, or take them from their mother completely, then it might be wiser NOT TO LEAVE YOUR COUNTRY! 

I would get some solid legal advise about this before doing anything Divided.  Also, stop making promises to her.  I know you are an honourable person but honour is ONLY respected by other honourable people.  MLCer's sadly have little to no honour, trustworthiness or respect for others! 

Please get some legal advise about this.  Once out of the country, it could be very difficult to get the children back into the country.  Especially if you took them there personally and then returned to your home country for 4 months. 

Hugs Stayed

[Divided V. Stand]

Thanks, stayed. You're right, legal advice won't hurt anything. I did look into the likelihood of preventing my W from taking (moving) our kids to Europe, and in my state the chances are not so good. The kids' well-being is the deciding factor and even though I know my W is emotionally unstable (to say the least), it would be hard to prove in court. But that's just online research, haven't talked to a lawyer.
I don't (and won't) make promises to her - I promise!    This one was made more than 6 months prior to BD. Not trying to impress her by keeping my word (nothing I do right now will impress her, short of levitating above the kitchen table), just trying to live up to my own standards. Maybe I need to loose a little pride. Either way - thank you for the input, as always. You know I read your replies more than once. Will give it more thought for sure.

[stayed]

I know you are careful, very careful and smart, Divided, but you cannot be too careful when it comes to your children.  The thing is, this promise that you made 6 months before BD could understandably be considered NULL and VOID, simply due to the NEW CIRCUMSTANCE!  Even in business, agreements are cancelled if certain circumstances change. 

I am not for one second suggesting you go against your personal values and standards, but you certainly do not want to do anything that could jeopardize the children's well being.  Your a good man. 

Hugs Stayed