[jos]

Journalling again: Why is it that everyone talks about the MLCer advancing towards them whenever  the LBS pulls away?  I have never had that.  It has always been the  case for me that when I pull away H pulls away, too. It's like he has no idea why I have to distance myself from him.

He mentioned (again) this morning about  the last 3 holidays we've had with the kids, and how awful they were. (He seems to have forgotten that he was still with OW so I had to distance myself completely just to survive mentally. I only went along for the sake of the kids and the 'family unit'). So he acts really hurt when I distance myself, and seems to have no idea why I do so.   How can this be? Then he'll comment  on how separate and distanced we have become.  I know this is MLC but is this normal???

[Songanddance]

So he acts really hurt when I distance myself, and seems to have no idea why I do so.   How can this be? Then he'll comment  on how separate and distanced we have become

But that's it - he is pursuing by drawing attention to the fact that he is "really hurt". That draws you in and off he goes again. Pursuit and distance is not always physical - it's emotional and psychological too.   

[hopingpraying]

OMG!  We are half a world apart and I can see so many similarities in our stories! My H told me I was upset about losing my "free meal ticket" and not upset due to love or loyalty.     Yeah, he TOLD me to stay home and raise the kids!  Why do they blame us? And for Gods sake it is not like we do nothing all day. Chores need done and errands need ran and kids need shuffled from one place to the next.   

That sucks about his job choice. I wonder if he has plans for you to go with him?     I hope he decides on something more local. 

(((Hugs)))) sorry he is not realizing he is the reason for the distance. 

[jos]

Songanddance

he is pursuing by drawing attention to the fact that he is "really hurt". That draws you in and off he goes again. Pursuit and distance is not always physical - it's emotional and psychological too.

Thanks for the reminder that this is all such normal behaviour in MLC world. 
Do you know where I can find info regarding distancing/pursuing  in RCRs notes. I need to start studying again.

Hopingpraying:   My H told me I was upset about losing my "free meal ticket" and not upset due to love or loyalty. LOL. If my H had put it so bluntly, I think I would have punched him.  I;m getting irate just reading that.
That sucks about his job choice. I wonder if he has plans for you to go with him?     I hope he decides on something more local. 

Actually, I don't hope he stays more local. I think I want him to go. I  think a year or 2 apart would be REALLY good for us. At least I;d be fine.

Will have to take a look at your thread. It'll be nice to have someone in a similar position to moan to. 

Thanks all for your take on things. x

Jos x

[Songanddance]

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance.html

Try this for size Jos.  If you can afford the few pounds (approx £4) then buy the full download "book" from RCR. It has slightly more detail than the website and I found it invaluable for me to pick up when I felt doubt.

[jos]

Been having computer troubles so not responded earlier. 

Thanks songanddance for pointing me in the right direction. Will re-read the info later to catch up.  As a result of being reminded,  I'm finding it quite easy again to detatch.   

H went away for a couple of days today (yay... ) to find peace and quiet at his friends empty house and work on his 'next career move'. When he told me he was thinking of going I almost pushed him out of the door    So now here I sit in silence and space..... Phew...

H was actually nice to me today, and I believe I got a kiss and a tiny bit of physical contact as he was leaving.  Very unusual behaviour.  I'm not even sure I liked it. It felt alien.  I'm so used to being alone now, it's strange to have attention.     I love being on my own now and am beginning to crave it. Onwards and upwards.....

jos

[tristana]

Pfff, we should start a thread where we can post the MLCers choices of new careers. And all those external solutions that they keep on trying.
It is difficult to live with someone who goes through this, depressing and traumatic. The transformations are many times radical and it is frightening to witness the whole thing. Anyone else feeling like this?

[OffRoad]

All the time.


He has to try every kind of alcohol there is out there!
He needs to start a new business!
He needs to be able to come and go as he pleases!
He needs to play video games for 6 hours straight!
Oh, what about the business? Oops, dropped some of those balls.
He needs to watch TV a 14 year old would cringe at!
How about some Slurpee!
He's cold.
He can't hear!
He needs to EXCERCISE!
Everyone at his new job is incompetent!
He has to tell them how incompetent they are!
His son needs to be SCREAMED at so he wont be a loser!
What, his son doesn't want to talk to him after being screamed at?
He thought that after I started working we'd have enough money for his business!
Sorry, man, we aren't "we" any more. Did you forget?
He needs his own room!
He's afraid of spiders after at least 22 years of not caring about spiders!
Ditto heights!
How about some Slurpee?
He needs to be with FUN people!
The same people we ALL used to hang out with, who weren't all that fun before!
Wait, he forgot to file the paperwork for the business.
Hold on, the contract he signed means he's going to have to pay money to the person he is supposed to be making money from.
He SO much happier now!

[Divided V. Stand]

Joining the club. Thanks for starting this thread, I had no idea.

[tristana]

How long has this been going on for Offroad?