Author Topic: MLC Monster A view from the other side - Various Fog stories  (Read 84432 times)

Offline Rollercoasterider

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MLC Monster Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #60 on: July 04, 2012, 12:25:08 PM »
The link in this quote reference will take you to a great article, I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You at Project Happily Ever After, Alisa Bowman's blog. Alisa has said that this post receives more comments each week than any other--and it is from 2009. I recently selected to have the system notify of new comments and thought this one was interesting. I responded to it. As of today (4 July 2012) this comment can be found near the bottom of the first page of this post, but as more people continue to comment, it will eventually be buried and to read it you may need to scroll through pages of comments by date.

Over 3 years ago I walked out of my marriage of over 20 years but have not divorced. My husband did not want me to leave and was deeply hurt at the time. Me pushing for a financial settlement then is a huge deal to him. Although I ended the relationship I have never entertained another relationship and began to wonder if I ever would. A couple of months ago I found out he was in a relationship. It was then I understood that I had in fact shut down and that the reason I had not bothered to look for anyone else was that I still loved my husband. I was not prepared for the pain and anguish knowing that I really did still love him and he had now moved on with someone else. I told him several times of my true feelings and asked to give things another chance. He said he has moved on and if I had come some months ago it would have been different. I think he’s only moved on since she’s come into his life. He must be more keen on her than she is of him. They don’t always seem to see one another on weekends and meet with the frequency that you would expect within the first year of a relationship. Being the love of his life all those years it came as a shock that he could shift his feelings to someone else he has only known a matter of months. I wonder if he truly loved me really or we would be together now. I guess I have this belief if you have a deep love for someone it remains inside and you have the desire to at least try. Although when we first separated things were acrimonious and I shut him out later that changed and things became amicable. We continue to be friends but find it difficult being around him as I still have feelings. Its very difficult when you feel like a wife but are treated like a friend. He has told me he has moved on and still loves me but its different now. He says he has forgiven me for the past but hasn’t forgotten which is all a bit cliched for me. I could also keep bringing up stuff but see this as pointless because as I see it Love is all there is and you cant love and resent. Resentment just chokes the love so you dont see it anymore. Last night I went over and told him I still loved him and I was finishing things I cried as spoke. It was so difficult for me. He said I was brave and reaffirmed he had moved on. He gave me a hug and kissed me and it felt so natural but so unatural to have to leave knowing I was no longer his wife to him.

Offline Bewildered

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #61 on: September 16, 2012, 02:49:12 PM »
An author who is quite well knows MLC story?
http://mensightmagazine.com/columns/manhood/chapter14.2.htm

Bx
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which one is true.”
Strength is when you have so much to cry for but you prefer to smile instead. - Andy Murray

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. -Marilyn Monroe

"The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." - Mary Pickford

Offline FindingJules

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #62 on: October 15, 2012, 12:43:08 PM »
I just tripped across this thread....it was SO helpful to read.  I see my H having SOME thoughts of MAYBE entertaining the idea that I'm not as awful as he might have thought....though I also see that he is VERY far away from admitting what he has done is wrong and that he will want to come back.  So....I needed some encouragment.  This is the place for it.  I have always thought that we had a SOLID marriage for 16 years (which of course is why the BD was SO shocking)...but I also thought that solid foundation would be what would eventually get us back together.  Reading within these posts that 2 years is just really about the "norm"....I have some time to go.  And...with the help of a friend, I am REALLY working on detaching so that i don't insert myself and screw up H's progress toward the MLC finish line.  I'm setting goals for myself each day and reporting to her (my friend) my progress, or she's checking in with me about that progress.  The goals are related to Body, Mind and Spirit.  It's a great way to pick up a new hobby...that hobby being myself!

Thanks for compiling and sharing all of this great support....I think at the end of this, i can tell people I've run a marathon....or maybe that new 100 mile run I have been reading about...It certainly will feel like it!
H - 40
M - 41
Married - 17 yrs
Together - 20 years
Divorced - May 2013
S - 14
D - 13
S - 9
BD - 3/11/12
Filed 7/18/12

Offline CallanG

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #63 on: March 30, 2013, 01:35:54 PM »
I have just read this thread from start to end , it has been so helpful to read someones story who has seen it from the other side . Thank you so much .  :)

Offline UKStander

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Hope Floats and I begin to understand....
« Reply #64 on: April 28, 2013, 01:03:07 AM »
Thankyou it did  sometimes the outside opinion is exactly what is needed.
Your mum HB was amazingly brave to commit herself.  It's the bleakness inside.  No words can describe it truly.  THe things you loved so dearly mean nothing less then nothing even as you wish it were different.
That's the twist, you want it different but you can't.  Not that you won't, you can't.  And so you start trying to do things that will make you feel even fear is better then nothing.  Even anger.
I for a short while stole things from shops.  Stupid little things because I would FEEL something fear and then TRIUMPH becasue I put i over someone.
It didn't last long thank god.  But when I hear about celebrities who got caught stealing I go AHA.  They lost the buzz from the small stuff and just kept needing to get a feeling.  Has nothing to do with the items, generally you don't care about them its the "feeling", you are alive.
You guys have all seen it.  All of you.  The empty hollow look, as if they'v checked out but worse.
Or the flat look as the monster comes out to play.
You know why its flat?  because part of them is in conflict, the monster feels alive when he sees pain its a triumph (feeling... see I can do something...) but the person you care for is in there trying to stop, you may not believe it but we are.  And the monster doesn't want to stop becasue it feels.  Someone else is hurting not just them. And so the eyes are flat becasue the monster doesn't want oyu to see, but you do anyway, when it slips and the torment you see i ntheir eyes is there.  we have seen that too unless you have a vanisher.
I was a vanisher, I ran from H.  To PROTECT him.
I would imagine me killing him in all sorts of ways and the idea of that feeling of power... 
Often a vanisher vanishes because they see you at risk from them.
They see that you are strong and will live without them.
The vanisher goes through the same things as a boomerang you don't see it though.
This, and many other things in HopeFloats story have helped me this morning - thank you. I've read several books now on depression and got an inkling of what goes on inside the person's head but we can't ever truly understand it fully I think until we've been there. I did get there a little bit during part of H's MLC. I began to rant and rage at a friend - truly. I couldn't believe I did it, and was so embarrassed after. It was so trivial, too. I had hoped to speak to her and I got a text saying she was at a friend's house... I saw red. Because I needed to talk to her so badly. The monster that spit back in fury was not me. But I got an insight that day into what depression (I suppose I had it a bit) could do to a person. You feel awful. And the anger is desperate, and you loathe yourself after for being so needy.

But HopeFloats, you are making me realise that whenever I get down because I think of my H having a ball (freedom, bachelor pad, new girlfriend, no burdens of house upkeep etc etc) he really isn't. And when I think he doesn't miss me AT ALL, well, I just don't know, do I...  I don't think love of 20 years can be turned off like a faucet, can it?

I am reading your story with interest. Thanks so much for the brave sharing. An MLC on top of an MLC...  That's brutal. 

UK S
BD June 2011
Affair discovered; three moves out and three attempts at return during 2012, culminating in "I'm not coming back" statement. Then DIY separation agreement - Feb 14 - which I wouldn't sign. He moved in with OW in 10/14 and I heard little more. I instigated D in 2016.  He's still living in rental with OW and her D but the cracks are starting to appear.

Offline CallanG

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #65 on: April 30, 2013, 07:34:40 AM »
I had a very strange evening yesterday , I had been reading this thread about Fog stories . My door bell went and on the other side of the door was my father who I have been estranged from for some time . To cut a long story short he has always suffered from depression and over the years had pushed away the people who tried to help him by various mean someone of them worse than other. I made the choice to distance myself some time ago for my own well being .

He said he had heard about H leaving and wanted to see if I was okay . For some reason I found myself telling him the whole story and because of his history he understood completely what H must be going through .

He explained how angry he used to feel to see other people happy and how it used to make him resent them , that he would push them away because he really needed to talk to someone on his level.

He explained how paranoid he became that nobody cared no matter how much they showed they did, he just thought they were lying "why would they care for him"

He described the feeling of watching himself and thinking "that person can not be me because I am smiling "and that he did not know how to be happy or how it felt to be happy because he was dead inside. I mentioned Hs dead eyes and he said that is because he feels dead inside .

He totally understood the running away because he said H associated all of this anger and resentment with me , our home and our life when all that would happen is that the unhappiness will return and just keep getting worse until eventually something has to give .

It was very strange My F has not been that clear and calm in years , not the eveing that I had planned but an interesting one .




Offline Filled with faith and hope

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #66 on: April 30, 2013, 07:46:33 AM »
Interesting CallanG. I heard the same from my own father too. He left me , my sister and my mom many many years ago. I can say he suffered from MLC. My father said, it is very hard for him to watch that this is happening to me . Though my own father experienced the same, I tried not to tell him all the stuffs. Everything is extremely painful . Actually my father cried more than my mom. I hate to say this but hey dad, see how karma works? Joke.
Let your hopes not your hurts shape your future.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #67 on: April 30, 2013, 08:04:12 AM »
Whether Karma or the old saying, "God works in mysterious ways," I think the experiences you've both had are fascinating, and I'm glad for you both that it has triggered your fathers to open up and reach out to you.  I have found this time has healed so many other relationships, that it gives me hope that reconciliation of so many things and relationships is possible.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Faithfully Yours

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #68 on: April 30, 2013, 08:35:01 AM »
I had a very strange evening yesterday , I had been reading this thread about Fog stories . My door bell went and on the other side of the door was my father who I have been estranged from for some time . To cut a long story short he has always suffered from depression and over the years had pushed away the people who tried to help him by various mean someone of them worse than other. I made the choice to distance myself some time ago for my own well being .

He said he had heard about H leaving and wanted to see if I was okay . For some reason I found myself telling him the whole story and because of his history he understood completely what H must be going through .

He explained how angry he used to feel to see other people happy and how it used to make him resent them , that he would push them away because he really needed to talk to someone on his level.

He explained how paranoid he became that nobody cared no matter how much they showed they did, he just thought they were lying "why would they care for him"

He described the feeling of watching himself and thinking "that person can not be me because I am smiling "and that he did not know how to be happy or how it felt to be happy because he was dead inside. I mentioned Hs dead eyes and he said that is because he feels dead inside .

He totally understood the running away because he said H associated all of this anger and resentment with me , our home and our life when all that would happen is that the unhappiness will return and just keep getting worse until eventually something has to give .

It was very strange My F has not been that clear and calm in years , not the eveing that I had planned but an interesting one .

Callen,

Thank you so much for sharing this. I firmly believe that God puts things before us when we need them the most and yesterday was a really bad day for me. I saw a picture of H with the OW and he looked happy. He didn't have the cold dead eyes and he had a glow to him of sorts. Anyway, it made me sick inside and I thought about it and obsessed even the majority of the day yesterday. Last night I had to see him about kid stuff and in person his eyes are just as dead as ever. I can see right through him and I think he knows it. Your Father's insight has made me feel so much better. I now know it is not in my head and pictures can be very deceiving.

Thanks again. Hugs to you.
Faithfully Yours :)

"Sometimes we must give up the life we planned for the life that is waiting for us". ~Joseph Campbell~

Offline CallanG

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Re: A view from the other side - Various Fog stories
« Reply #69 on: April 30, 2013, 08:55:22 AM »
Glad that is has been helpful, he also said what is said on here so many times that you cant tell someone they are depressed they have to find out for themselves .

It helped me a lot because it confirmed a lot of what I think that H is going through and that he is not ready to admit that he is depressed yet.

 

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