[SpecialK]

I appreciate this may not be the right section to post..... I finly feel I'm coming through my own fog.  I have suffered with depression on and off for years, and it's likely I will have AD's for rest of my life, but I can live with that.  Depression is an awful illness; for me it makes me feel numb, nothing excited me of makes me happy.  I have gone through stages of not wanting to be with anyone, sleek to anyone.  Just shut myself away.  Time as we know is a great healer.

I truely believe I have turned that corner; let go of the chains I put myself in and I feel free.  This time last year I was a mess; my ex had kicked me out, gave me my leaving date via email.  I lost my job in January and I almost lost my Mum

Now I have my own home, started a new job in March for a fab company and my Mum pulled through.  For all of that I am truly grateful.  Ex no longer fills my thoughts in the way he did -  yey !  And (hopefully) I have let go of tarot.

 Tarot was my escapism, my reassurance, I allowed it go rule my life.  It made me unhappy and disappointed in myself.  Nothing has really come true - last three occasions I was told he would be back (by three different readers) - if he is I can't see him!  I have been td he's unhappy (wl I didn't need to pay someone for that) and his relationship is domed - yeah right.  It's early days and I'm not out of the woods but I feel differently about it. 

Once the fog starts to clear, you start to see things as they really are.  I am learning to forgive myself re the past - it's gone and there's nothing I can do about it but I now the opportunity of a better future.  I'm really not sure how I feel a about ex anymore, I don't miss him.  Not so long ago I would have jumped at the chance to see him - not anymore :-)

xxx



I'm sat here in local pub enjoy the bit of sunshine. a glass of wine Sand reflecting - as you do.  When my ex and I first got together it was a month before Christmas.  My Christmas and New Year plans were already in place.  We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morn3  Inga together - he showered me with loads of expensive gifts whereas I just got him token presents.  When it was time for me to go he seemed withdraws but insisted he was OK (I was spending Christmas Day with my ex husband, we were very good friends at that time).  I later discovered he ranted about the situation to his ex (the mother of his son). 

Shortly after he admitted to me that he always down the first few months of year.  He cried a few times but couldn't tell me what was wrong; it also effected him sexually.  I didn't give it much thought to be honest; at that home I didn't know how I felt about him. 

He was supportive when my Dad died; he came to my Dad's funeral which must have been hard for him given that he'd never met my family and my parents live in Spain.  After the funeral he took himself off on his own for a while and then the day after the funeral we all went out for something to eat - during that time he called his son, afterwards he was tears, again couldn't tell me what was wrong only that he needed to be alone.

I know he wants to be liked to the point he 'buys' people.  He is very insecure and cannot hold down a relationship longer than 4 years. 

Before he meet Miss Wales he was going to move back into the house; I told what I wanted with regards to my own home - he told me to give him 2 years (he would help me - he always said
he would always look after me).  Then he said that we would probably end up in the same nursing home together.   A few weeks later he meets Miss Wales, everything changes and I become the evil witch.

xx

[CallanG]

Hi , I hope it is okay to put this here. I have been reading a book called "Shoot the Damn Dog" a memoir of depression by Sally Brampton. I have not finished it yet but it is an amazingly honest account of her spells of depression and how it made her feel . A real eye opener as to how people in the fog feel and that they have very little control over it .

Callan

[Anjae]

It is ok to post it here. Could you be so kind to provide a little more info on what she says about the depression fog?

[CallanG]

Hi Anne

Her depression started after she returned to full time work after 10 years , she said it crept up slowly when she realised that she was strugling to cope . It was then made worse by the death of a close friend .

She talks of the feeling of disconnection from everyone including her Daughter, the loss of enjoyment in anything . Her love was her garden and she started to feel that even that was her enemy and was mocking her when it became over grown .

One of the other things she talk about is her total loss of control over anything , and that sometimes she had to hurt people or push them away to feel that she had any control over anything .

She describes despression as like being under water all of the time ,nothing is clear anymore and you mind plays tricks on you .

One of the things that she did say is that it helps if people do talk to her when she is feeling like this and not just try and ignore the situation.

It does confirm my feeling that although we feel like our MLC's have all the control that they feel like they have none at all .

[31andcounting]

CallanG~ wow I see my H in that information
it is him to a T.  I do wonder if his depression has only been throughout this crisis or his whole life?  I tend to believe it has been ever since his childhood abuse, but maybe not.  How do you ever know?  thanks for sharing.
31

[CallanG]

No problem 31, the book is a real eye opener it has made me cry a few times because her desperation to get better is so sad .

[panda]

Not sure if this belongs here but I thought I would share with you what happened to someone I know (not sure why I didn't do it earlier).

They had known each other for years, really settled relationship until child arrives (who was planned) and H went a bit crazy when fatherhood arrived - couldn't cope.  Sent him acting all weird and W kept asking what was wrong, he pulled away, distant etc , as suspected, PA was found out - all signs were there - disappearing, secretive etc.  His background was an only child, pressure to be perfect - he also has a very challenging career dealing with some very difficult situations.

So, he moves out.  W goes dark and H about 9 months later is complaining that 'he is stuck in the wilderness unable to see where he is going', rocking, very scary.  W did not think he was capable of holding down his job based on what she witnessed.  Then, he wants back into the marriage after BUT did this with OW still waiting in wings - (so an early return?).  W asks him to go to counselling and asks him how sure he was that the reconciliation would work - he said he couldn't make promises.  The mistake she feels she made is that she never went to counselling with him.  Later, 2 attempts to drive his vehicle off the road, bit of a meltdown - divorce is started.  However, even when divorce is final, says he wants his family back and how he regrets everything.   It ends with a 'no' in this story but that was because of W's decision. 

Anyway, they keep in contact because of child.  But the same script was there, blame, projection, heavy drinking (anything goes), secretive, clothes, hiding/spending money at the beginning.

Now he is a very changed man.  She says she does not recognise some aspects of his personality and he kept up with alot of his hobbies that he started during his 'crisis', which she describes as being very alien to the person she knew and was married to.

He is with someone else now, but the circumstances described, from what I have been told, it isn't a fulfilling relationship.

[alwayshope]

Callan - I cry sometimes when I remember the pain I have seen my H exhibit... now he only shows me monster, but I think mostly because I do not invite him around anymore.  That is self-protective, and maybe I should, but right now, I just don't feel I can.  Anyway, I was remembering when he was here for dinner one day after his mom left the country, he showed me some ugly, but when I asked him how he was?  Well.... he just shook his head, hung it down... and replied 'lost'.  And then 'I don't feel good on the inside anymore'.  My heart broke.  That was a glimpse into the reality of what he is struggling through, and I cannot allow myself to lose sight of that.  If I do, my compassion will go out the window.  I must distance myself for protection, but I must remember the struggle, I must continue to pray for him, because he is lost.  So lost.  Thank you for sharing!

[Songanddance]

My H has said repeatedly that he feels as though he is broken. He has said that he is confused and lost and doesn't know how to see his way. My D 22 has clinical depression and says that when she is going down it is like being in a big dark hole and she cannot see!
She says the blackness is all enveloping.
I am very convinced that H feels the same.

[alwayshope]

I wanted to share this!  I went to the RMM conference (I recommend it for all of you, next time they come around!!!), and I bought a few cd's.  One of the cd's is a testimony, high school sweethearts, married looooong time (forget exactly), 2 daughters in their last 2 years of high school, he was on top of the world career wise, but was doing a lot of traveling and their marriage just fell apart.  He wanted somebody to enjoy this life with him, etc... enter OW.  They did divorce, and were apart for 10 years (or more?).  At that point in time, his life began to unravel, lost his job, couldn't find one, etc... over time the relationship with OW unraveled as well, and they did end up divorcing.  However, the weekend that this man married the OW, the wife's sister had a dream, and this is what it was: she dreamt that she saw her sister's H getting married, and then saw him traveling down A LONG, DARK TUNNEL WITH DEMONS REACHING THEIR HANDS TOWARD HIM... at the end of the dream, she saw him back with his wife and their girls.  Struck me... the tunnel?  It's the real deal...