[Passiflora]

Hi Iwant,
I just wanted to tell you I'm also by your side (even if it's "just" in cyber space). Discuss/Cry or what ever you want, "we" will be listening to you. I think you got great advice from Thunder, Init, Anjae…..only tell the truth. "someone" said through pain comes changes, maybe this is exactly what your H "needs", the pain from what de did might be the "thing" that makes him sober up and/or wants him to make changes in his life.

I saw on another thread that you are in Florida, Don't I wish I was in Florida right now! We have a couple degrees minus Celsius and windy and all you want to do is pull a thick blanket around you with a good book, it's so cold!

Hugs

[Treasur]

iwant, I can see how far your thinking and emotions have progressed - awesome, really you're being quite extraordinary and trying to balance a lot in a truly difficult situation.

[in it]

Found online:

John G. Taylor, MA John G. Taylor, MA
The Reality Corner
Behind the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men "That Abuse"
Domestic violence and unmasking the terror of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Domestic Violence is the leading cause of injury to women sending over 1 million every year to doctor’s offices or emergency rooms. This violence isn’t occurring from the hands of a stranger but from the hands of the man that has said I love you. In view of the recent domestic violence stories in the news I decided to write this article and take you inside the mind of men that abuse. I want to share the knowledge and experiences that I’ve had facilitating groups and counseling over 1,000 men that have abused their intimate partners. In all that we have seen or experienced we know that there are too many women and men dying, people being injured, far too many children growing up in violent homes to later become victims or abusers themselves. 

In this story I will share with you what constitutes Domestic Violence, the national stats, the cycle of violence, the five types of abuse, the profile/characteristics of men that abuse, the DSM-IV diagnosis of abusers/batterers, treatment that works for this population.

What Is Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is when a partner physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually abuses their intimate partner by exerting power and control over them. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures, races, religions, classes and same sex relationships. We find that domestic violence is perpetrated by men and women, 95% of reported domestic violence cases are men abusing women and 5% of reported domestic violence cases are women abusing men.

National Stats

Every 12 seconds a woman is abused by her intimate partner in the US.
37% of pregnant women are battered during pregnancy, including blows to the abdomen.
 There are more animal shelters than there are shelters for victims of Domestic Violence in the US.
These numbers are staggering and remember this is only what is reported to the police, imagine how many more women are being abused but never report it to the police.  In my career that has spanned over 10 years working with batterers/abusers I’ve seen these numbers grow.

The Cycle of Violence


Source:
Phase 1: Tension building (In this phase there is usually tension building from the batterer/abuser and there is usually an argument)

Phase 2: Explosion (this is where the assault happens)

Phase 3: Honeymoon Phase (this is where the batterer/abuser apologizes for his behavior buying the victim gifts or flowers) 

The cycle of violence will not end until one partner leaves or seeks treatment. 


There are five types of abuse and they usually start with the less noticeable first and become more obvious as the abusive relationship continues.

 The Five Types of Abuse

Emotional (killing pet, playing mind games)                               
Verbal (calling names)
Technological (GPS system /Face book sabotage)                                       
Sexual (forcing sex while sleep or based on the bible)
Physical (killing, punching, choking)

I’m sure now you asking so who are these men, will I know that he is an abuser by looking at him, what makes them tick and what signs can I look for in my partner to determine if he is an abuser/batterer. I will tell you that no you can’t tell if someone is a batter/abuser by looking at them but there are some tell-tale signs and behaviors. So looking deeper into the mind of the abuser I want to now provide you with a few of the behaviors that are typical for batterers.

Profile of an Abuser/Batterer

Jealousy (questioning her constantly about whereabouts, and jealous of time she spends away from him).
Controlling behavior (I’ve had clients who’s victim couldn’t get a job, leave the house or bathe without his permission)
Isolation (Makes partner move away from family and friends so that she depends on him solely for support.)
Forces her to have sex against her will (I’ve had several clients who forced their partners to have sex with their friends and forces sex when she is asleep.)
Holds very rigid gender roles (Believes that her job is just to cater to him, he is the “king of the castle.”) 
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Men that are abuse are very clever, smart, and extremely charming. Most of these men have a personality that draws people in because of their level of charm this is part of their art to deceive and manipulate. This is why often times when a victim does report an assault she is not easily believed because people usually say “not him, he is so nice’ “you are so lucky”, All of this plays into his because if he gets people outside of the home to buy into his deceit the victim has little if no support. Most batterers are seen as “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" because of the stark contrast in their public and private selves. When we look into the mind and behaviors of the batterers the DSM-IV gives us some diagnostic criteria/diagnosis for this population.

Diagnosis of Abusers/Batterers

Antisocial Personality Disorder, (deceitfulness, repeatedly lying, use of aliases or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.)
Borderline Personality Disorder (a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships by alternating between extreme idealizations and devaluation.)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.)

When we look at the profile/characteristics of batterers/abusers we can clearly see how this diagnosis will be found in this population. It’s important to be careful with this diagnosis because many batterers will look to use as an excuse for their behavior.

As we start to look at treatment for this population, I have to say that most of this population doesn’t come into treatment until the partner calls the police or they have been court ordered or the partner threatens to leave. (Note: Victims are at higher risk to be killed when they decide to leave their abusers; this is why some women stay).

Treatment for this population

Group Therapy is important because it allows the batterer to be confronted by his peers on his behavior. I’ve facilitated groups with 16 men in the room at times it would become very confrontational but it was important for the men to be held accountable for their behavior by other men and group facilitators.  Group Therapy focuses on weekly topics about: Respect, effective communication skills, honesty, non violence and how to handle your emotions.

Individual Therapy (this is also a good form of treatment because it gives the batterer more time to express himself without the interruption of others, but even in this therapy the batterer has to be strongly confronted and held accountable for his behavior.) Sometimes the batterer/abuser will want to bring his partner to the sessions. I strongly advise against this until both parties have done at least 6 or 7 individual sessions.

In conclusion I need to say that batters can change they can stop this behavior and treat their intimate partner the way they should be treated. I have seen many men change, I remind myself that people aren’t their behavior, it’s just what is manifested on the surface and we must get beneath that  and deal with the root cause. Because as a society we can’t afford to have women and children living in fear any longer.

Let’s shout it from the highest heights “There is No Excuse for Domestic Violence".

[in it]

Found on webmd

Checklist for Leaving an Abuser

Identification for Yourself and Your Children
Important Personal Papers
Funds
Keys
A Way to Communicate
Medications


Here are some helpful items to get together when you are planning on leaving an abusive situation. Keep these items in a safe place until you are ready to leave, or if you need to leave suddenly. If you have children, take them. And take your pets too (if you can).

Identification for Yourself and Your Children
birth certificates
social security cards (or numbers written on paper if you can't find the cards)
driver's license
photo identification or passports
welfare identification
green card
Important Personal Papers
marriage certificate
divorce papers
custody orders
legal protection or restraining orders
health insurance papers and medical cards
medical records for all family members
children's school records
investment papers/records and account numbers
work permits
immigration papers
rental agreement/lease or house deed
car title, registration, and insurance information
Funds
cash
credit cards
ATM card
checkbook and bankbook (with deposit slips)
Keys
house
car
safety deposit box or post office box

A Way to Communicate
phone calling card
cell phone
address book

If at all possible do not tell your abuser you are leaving or where you are going. The possibility for violence greatly increases if they think or know you are going to leave them.. Most women are seriously injured or killed at this time.

[OneHotMess]

Following

[in it]

Found online:

What is domestic violence?

Domestic Violence Is…
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, economic class, immigration status, religion, or gender. It can happen to couples that are married, living together, or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

Does the Person You Love:
Threaten to hurt you or other people you care about?
Hit, kick, punch, push, choke or use physical force against you?
Criticize or blame you for everything that goes wrong?
Humiliate you in front of other people?
Control your access to money?
Control the decision-making in your relationship?
Control your time and actions?
Put you down, call you names, make you feel like you’re crazy?
Destroy your property or abuse your pets?
Threaten to hurt you or commit suicide if you leave?
Force or coerce you to have sex when you don’t want to?
If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.  You are not alone; many people just like you are dealing with violence at home.  You didn’t cause the violence and no one has the right to hurt you.  If you would like to talk with someone, free and confidential help is just a phone call away.

To speak with an advocate:
Call our 24-hour crisis line at 651-227-8284, the Statewide Toll-Free line at 1-866-223-1111, or the National Domestic Violence line at 1-800-799-7233.

Unhealthy relationships

Unhealthy relationships are based upon power and control. This can include coercion, threats, intimidation, put-downs, isolation, etc. Abuse is not just physical. Abuse can be emotional, verbal, physical, financial, sexual, psychological, and social.

You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner does any of the following:

Physically abuses you (hitting, choking, kicking, pinching, twisting arms, restraining, etc.)
Controls your money and/or withholds money
Does not allow you to have a job
Isolates you from friends and family
Criticizes you frequently
Yells or uses violent language
Makes threats
Uses intimidation to get what they want
Uses stress, jealousy, and passion to justify actions
Engages in name calling
Mind games
Destroys property
Forces you do to something you don’t want to
Forces you to have sex
Forces you to have an abortion
Pressures you
Abandons you in unfamiliar areas
Threatens to kill you or themselves
Denies abuse
Makes you doubt yourself or feel crazy
Gives you little or no privacy
Prevents you from working or attending school/events
Controls what you wear
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, know you are not alone. To connect with supportive services, please call our crisis line at 651-227-8284.

Want to learn more about domestic violence? You can see our educational presentation topics here. To schedule a presentation on DV 101 for your school, workplace, or organization, click here.

[Kanvan]

Thank you for posting this topic. I know that I have been the victim of verbal abuse and right before bomb drop my H  ran up behind me and pushed me as hard as he could when I was discussing him getting help and working it out. He did not want me to stand in the way of him and Pondscum. He has repeatedly cussed me and told me that he would never want to come back and work things out with me. He did escalate over me not giving him some money and came to the house looking for me. He cussed out my niece and drove off looking for me. I can not count the times he has cussed me. I also wonder if it is me and I could do more but the issue is him. Thank you again for addressing it because he not only is dealing with mlc but a mental disorder and drug abuse. This is indeed a very important topic. Hugs to you all.

[in it]

You are welcome now please stay away from him.

The problem isn't you it is him. You cannot interact with someone like this.
The only way you add to the problem is if you stay.  Or remain in contact with them.
It only gets worse if you go back. Trust me. You do not want someone like this back. They do not change.

If they suffer no conseqences for their behavior they will do it again and again as long as they get away with it.
You do not deserve to be cussed out, shoved and treated like this.

You deserve better.

[Kanvan]

Thank you, in it. My divorce was final two week ago today. I really hated to but I had to protect mine and S16's finances. As you mentioned, if there is no consequences then there is no need for change. I am starting to put my foot down and this makes him even madder. I have always in one sense been the enabler and picked up the pieces. Not anymore. I am learning to detach and retrain my way of thinking. Thank you, again.

[in it]

Good. You may need to bring that foot of yours down harder. If you have lacked boundaries this information might help. You can file an Order of Protection against him.

Now if he continues harass, menace, or stalk you ( these are NOT touch and goes, he's not a clinging boomerang,  these are not reconnections, anchor checking, or anything remotely resembling what you might read on here) This behavior is trying to control, manipulate  and intimidate you. He crossed a big line here putting his hands on you in anger.Besides the verbal abuse. Do not feel sorry for him. He made this mess it's his problem.

I'll tell you what I did.

I sent an email and told him he was to stay away from me or I would have him arrested. ( this was after the incident and him vaguely offering to bring some of the things I still had at the house to me)

I said quite a bit more than that but that sentence protected me.

He acknowledged it and said:

"Never mind I got it we're done."

(I wanted to add NO @$$hole I'M DONE. But refrained.)

I took this email to my lawyer he said it works the same as an Order of Protection. He said "You told him to stay away from you, he acknowledged it make copies of it and keep it everywhere. In your car, at friends houses. If he shows up?  Call the troopers and show it to them."

Do NOT tolerate ANY harassment,  or stalking.

 Block any phone calls, emails, texts, ANY communication to your person. If you are strong enough and can ignore any communication- save it. Don't read it or listen to the messages.  Just do not respond. Give him nothing. If you decide to get a legal Order of Protection it will help.

YOUR safety is paramount in this kind of mess.

The BEST thing you can do is let the OW bear the brunt of his anger. These two deserve each other and you deserve some peace.