[in it]

Thank you OP..

[Anjae]

In It (or anyone else reading), can you help compile a list of LBS that have/had a physically abusive MLCer?

So far, I have:

In It
Lawprofessor
Anjae
Savoir Faire
Passiflora
iwantoffthisride

I know there are/were more.

[Not Applicable]

What is this??? Some kind of name and shame?

The statistics I have seen are maybe 30-40% of relationships are affected by domestic violence, if not more. That's irregardless of MLC. I don't think this is a particular MLC issue and I don't know why it is necessary to draw attention specifically to those who have chosen to share what has happened to them here I daresay far more members of this forum have chosen not to share their domestic violence experiences than have. So I don't see how it is going to help by making those who choose to do so exhibit A.

[Passiflora]

Also a thank you from me to you OP for bumping this topic.

This topic is such an important one for all, is it possible to make a "topic/discussion" under those grey ones at the top of the site, so that we can collect all important info under one topic that is visual when you come on to the forum (for some this is a question of "life and death"). Just as all our "MLC" stories are important so are stories, books, info about DV/Abuse etc. for those of us who experienced this to know that you are NOT alone and all the shame we as LBS carries around this topic.

Init has posted a lot of really important info. Thanx Init

For me Lundy Bancrofts books has been a blessing, both informative but also for my own journey his second book "Daily wisdom why does he do that" this one is like a bible for me and I think for all of us women who are use to put everyones else's needs before us so we don't know what is "healthy" to put our needs/safety etc first (and our kids).

Lundy B books and other good ones you can find at amazon (for you in the US you can by them cheaper if you by them used). I also recommend sites organizations like "The Duluth model".

I know we all struggles with, is this narcissism, MLC, Depression, Addictions, infidelity, shame, domestic violence or whats wrong with my husband or is it all of these. Right now I'm educating myself around sexaddiction/pornaddiction this correlate with what a lot of us have experienced.

Gone, I totally agree with Anjae on this one. I know for sure she did not meant for this "list" to be some kind of name/shame. This is meant to help each and every one that is experience domestic violence and abuse. I will defend this topic being a really important one for all of us LBS's, male or female. I'm really sorry that you can't see how this can help others. Abuse thrives in the dark and I have made a promise to myself, if my story and the wisdom/knowledge I've gain can help only one person, my "struggles/trauma" my kids "struggles/trauma" did bring something good.

Hugs

[Anjae]

In It, who was nearly killed by her husband, started this thread in 2014. It was in the archives, from where it was taken out by a HS moderator. We now have new people who are dealing with a physically abusive MLCer and, like Passiflora said, it is a very imporant matter.

This thread is not about domestic violence outside of MLC context.

Name shame? You have totally misunderstood me. On the contrary, it is for us to know those who need a special type of support.

Having a MLCer that has turned physically abusive/violent is different from not having one. Those of us with have/have had a physically violent MLCer need a different type of support and it is important to know who we are.

This thread is not aimed at those who do not have/had to deal with a physically abusive MLCer.

The subject is neither elegant nor tasteful, but there is nothing elegant of tasteful when it comes to domestic violence. Pretend some of us have not been on the receiving end of it when our spouse turned MLC monster is to bury the head in the sand.

Maybe, if In It is ok with it, the title may be changed by a mod so that MLC is part of it. Maybe just add - physical violence in MLC or something similar.

[Treasur]

Found online:

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

Humiliation – Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.

Threats – Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation – Tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable...they may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you.

If I look at the behaviour of my H - no, he was neither emotionally or physically abusive. My MLC STBXH? His behaviour in the last 2 years would hit 4 of these types of abuse...and psycho ow added 1 which he did nothing to protect me from (until the recent Watchgate perhaps). I'm not unusual in that.

I do think this is an important issue, and a really uncomfortable one for a lot of LBS. The truth is that some do experience physical violence and threats. The truth is that most of us experience some kind of emotional abuse from our MLC spouses, abuse that we did not experience pre-MLC and that is not appropriate in a healthy adult relationship. It pushes the LBS to look honestly at their spouse, and struggle with establishing new boundaries and seeing where their lines in the sand are, MLC or not. Abuse does thrive in the dark and I agree that this - of all places - should be a space where we can talk honestly and kindly about really difficult things.

[Not Applicable]

The subject is neither elegant nor tasteful, but there is nothing elegant of tasteful when it comes to domestic violence. Pretend some of us have not been on the receiving end of it when our spouse turned MLC monster is to bury the head in the sand.

Quite on the contrary, I am not pretending it doesn't happen, in fact, what I am saying is the opposite. That probably far more members on here have suffered from it either before or after MLC started than are willing to admit. And there probably are a fair number of LBSs that themselves who have physically abused their MLCer. And there are probably some MLCers who are cured of their abusive ways by going through the MLC.

I just don't think people should be singled out and held up as examples. Domestic abuse is a fault of the abuser and the abuser alone. It doesn't happen because the victim is doing anything wrong or has low self-esteem or anything. An abuser is an abuser because that's how they are. That's just my opinion.

And do not make general statements about domestic violence and the law. Different countries and cultures have different attitudes and laws. In some places, the law is not going to help at all and the victim needs other strategies to deal with it.

[Loyal]

Thanks in it, OP and Anjae for starting and bumping this very important thread.

The statistics I have seen are maybe 30-40% of relationships are affected by domestic violence, if not more. That's irregardless of MLC. I don't think this is a particular MLC issue

GG you probably mean it well but I don`t agree atall. Having been put through it by my P, I can testify that physical and emotional abuse can definitely (MLC/substance addiction in my P`s case) play a very large role in MLC behaviour. I would have given my left hand prior to P`S MLC that he would never even dream of laying one finger on me, let alone threaten to kill me.

[Treasur]

Maybe it's as simple as checking that those named are happy to be so as a source of support for others?

[in it]

Exactly Treasur
The reason why Goner in Ghana it helps to know who else may have gone through this or is currently dealing it is so that person does not feel so alone.
There is no shame in it the shame and blame belongs solely to the abuser.