[confused_but_trying]

Unfortunately I think they grow by hitting rock bottom and learning from the mistakes that they have made along the way

[toysaplenty]

In response to what twiceburnt said...
"One thing that amazes me is the amount of people that seem to be OK with what she's doing.  Do we really have that many screwed up, depressed, immoral people living in the world?!?  I mean, who "likes" a facebook post from the OM who says he was with my W for the weekend?!  Messed up world we live in..."
I agree that the morals of most people are horrible. In my situation, The OW posted pictures of her and my MLC'r before we were divorced, and there were all these people who "liked" the photo on FB. Of course all these people are regular drunks at the VWF, American Legion, Amvets, etc. My MLC'R had absolutely no interest in belonging to those places. Now he belongs to like 10 of them. The OW and her ex husband, who she was still with, always frequented the VFW. When she left him to chase my husband, she told her ex, "I promise, I will never bring my new man to the VFW where you hang out. 2 weeks later, she's got my husband at the VFW, introducing him to all of her and her ex husbands friends. This is also the woman who posts Jesus and religious posts on her page all the time. You had an affair with a married man, and lived with him for over a year before he was divorced. You told everyone that he had been divorced for years. And you post religious Jesus stuff all the time? Trash. Complete trash. At least I have morals and respect for marriage. And my MLC'r is marrying her this Saturday. How can any intelligent person want to invest their life with such a bottom feeder exempt of morals? I think he is making the biggest mistake of his life by marrying her. I think she is going to cause him emotional and financial destruction. I see her ruining him and then leaving him to move on to her next victim who will have more money. I see my MLC'r either killing himself over that or killing her. I really do. I think when the smoke clears he will be too ashamed to ever get near me again, and I think he will do one of the above. If in the next few years you hear on CNN about some crazy murder suicide in Amherst or Avon, Ohio, it will be these losers.

[OceanLady]

Yes, Pascale666, your W has not been at this for long enough to have any growth yet...it takes years.  They Monster, may move out and may Monster some more, calm down, and then move into withdrawal even further than they were before.   My xH moved to another town 2 weeks ago, after 4.25 years gone from home and 1.5 years D'd, 2 weeks after my S18 went off to tech school (S lived with xH...not a good sitch for my S).  He will not communicate with me thru email anymore and will not tell me where he went to.  It is at this point, that possibly they will start to do some internal work on themselves...when they have total quiet.  Only time will tell!!  I do believe that female MLCer's come around sooner than male MLCer's...if they are going to come around at all..IMHO!  It is then up to us if we can handle the reconnection or not. 

[MeNow]

there friends so called want to see them go down a few notches a couple have told me that she is messed but dont want to lose her friendship by confront her the other a new person is a wh*re who f*cks everthing in sight and im sure will turn the wife into one and before u jump all over me you are who u hang out with hang out with wh*res male /female u become a wh*re all her new friends have major issues they like to party there life away.sorry if i sound bitter but all this crap about its and oppurtunity for growth is bull$hit ive seen no growth just a downward spiral too doom.

I get it.

The opportunity is for YOU. You cannot control what your W does.

Rock bottom is sometimes needed before growth can begin.

Get all your anger out here. Maybe check out a therapist/counselor if you think you need one.

[gillies9]

i am my fourth one lol i see him once a week as for her the in house variety is just brutal just watching a train wreck over and over in slow motion i do use this place to vent its just sad what this is doing to my kids and home life sorry to say she is mentally ill just has way to much damage and yes has to hit bottom.

[toysaplenty]

 I saw this online and thought it was inciteful.
For anyone new to the "80/20 rule for relationships," it's the theory that says, in a fairly healthy relationship, you only get 80 percent of what you want. Maybe your partner isn't a triathlete or great at sharing his feelings, but it's okay, because the 80 percent you do get is really good. The other part of the equation says that it's the endless search for that missing 20 percent you'd hoped for in your mate that leads people to cheat.
Why do people feel like the 80 percent isn't enough for them, and they want the other 20 percent? The reason is that they don't feel fulfilled and good enough in the relationship and think it's their partner that is the problem. As it turns out, it is our own internal battles that are showing up on the scene, it has nothing to do with our partner.

[Jackolar12]

Just keep in mind, the ray of hope isn't for us.  Your MLC spouse will be begging for a ray of hope one day (or they'll continue to spiral out of control the rest of their lives).  They will get a second chance if we want to accept it.  Unfortunately, by that time, most of us will have moved on.  Just keep living your life as if she isn't coming back...and one day, out of the blue, when you least expect it, is when they usually try to return.  Then it is decision time for you...a very tough decision.

The destruction they cause is on par with a metaphorical nuke and long lasting.  And it will still bite you years down the road even if you reconcile.  I got stung financially recently from when she returned the first time.  She wracked up tons of debt that I had no idea about. 

In the end, they destroy themselves.  As much pain and loneliness they cause us, it will hit them twice as hard eventually. 

One thing that amazes me is the amount of people that seem to be OK with what she's doing.  Do we really have that many screwed up, depressed, immoral people living in the world?!?  I mean, who "likes" a facebook post from the OM who says he was with my W for the weekend?!  Messed up world we live in...


Hi Twiceburnt, my W racked up debt big time without me knowing on her replay spending, hotel rooms etc and she's still spending in replay now were divorced ,her business is going down hill,she took another guy out of a 33 year marriage because she wanted him. So 2 Unhappy Lbspouses 5 unhappy children from two broken long term marriages mine was 28 years, her mum has had several strokes and is bed bound and has to sleep downstairs, her dad has been diagnosed with dementia and she knows she's to blame for it all and shows no outward remorse. I think she needs more than a ray of hope the whole Sun I would say.
The other men and women they go with are of questionable morality for sure and people who condone their behaviour are low life's.

[honour]

The destruction they cause is on par with a metaphorical nuke and long lasting.  And it will still bite you years down the road even if you reconcile.  I got stung financially recently from when she returned the first time.  She wracked up tons of debt that I had no idea about. 

Hi Twiceburnt, my W racked up debt big time without me knowing on her replay spending, hotel rooms etc and she's still spending in replay now were divorced ,her business is going down hill,

Two stories that are sadly all too familiar.

I remember when I found myself at the Path Partners forum in the early days and months after BD, the advice from the guys there who had been around a while was always to secure the finances. I could barely believe what they were telling me. It couldn't be right, I was in such shock I couldn't believe W could do what they were saying she would do. But the advice turned out to be sound.

If you have a spouse that has gone right off the deep end I recommend reading up on narcissism and psychopathy and how to cope when confronted with such personalities because sadly, the LBS can find themselves dealing with something akin to a pathological, greedy, hedonistic, spiteful, callous and cruel, pleasure seeking, cunning, manipulative liar.

If the LBS gets through it and survives healthy and sane the LBS can count him or herself a success and fortunate. Whether the wayward returns or not becomes unimportant if you have recovered from the abuse, are healthy and are enjoying life again.

[tuffenuff]

Just wanted to write of a story of a close friend of mine.  I truly believe she had a MLC and after talking to her she agrees.  She up and left her stable life, family, H one morning - just told her kids at the bfast table she was leaving - H naturally  begged, pleaded, all of those things.  It is so yucky hearing her tell of some of the things she remembers - she says she doesn't remember all of it.  ANyway - he took her on a vacation to work on their marriage - she said she went b/c it was a nice place and he paid for it but she had no intiention of getting back together. Drained his bank account. Fast forward - quits her job, gets a quickie D - moves back home, marries someone much younger for less than a year - also had multiple affairs between D and marriage.  She said she woke up one morning and realized what she had lost - called her ex-H to try and reconcile - he said no - he had moved on and was getting married.  It is clear talking to her that she deeply regrets it - they keep in close contact b/c of kids.  They are both remarried but I can tell they both still care deeply for each other.  She is going on vacation with her new H this w/e to the place that she and other H went on honeymoon - she said he gets mad at her anytime she goes there and I told her that yes - it sucks from this side - and she said - she sees that now.

[twiceburnt]

The destruction they cause is on par with a metaphorical nuke and long lasting.  And it will still bite you years down the road even if you reconcile.  I got stung financially recently from when she returned the first time.  She wracked up tons of debt that I had no idea about. 

Hi Twiceburnt, my W racked up debt big time without me knowing on her replay spending, hotel rooms etc and she's still spending in replay now were divorced ,her business is going down hill,

Two stories that are sadly all too familiar.

I remember when I found myself at the Path Partners forum in the early days and months after BD, the advice from the guys there who had been around a while was always to secure the finances. I could barely believe what they were telling me. It couldn't be right, I was in such shock I couldn't believe W could do what they were saying she would do. But the advice turned out to be sound.

If you have a spouse that has gone right off the deep end I recommend reading up on narcissism and psychopathy and how to cope when confronted with such personalities because sadly, the LBS can find themselves dealing with something akin to a pathological, greedy, hedonistic, spiteful, callous and cruel, pleasure seeking, cunning, manipulative liar.

If the LBS gets through it and survives healthy and sane the LBS can count him or herself a success and fortunate. Whether the wayward returns or not becomes unimportant if you have recovered from the abuse, are healthy and are enjoying life again.

Honour, when were you on PP? I was there originally before it crashed the first time.  This was back in 2008-2010ish if I remember correctly.  I always wondered what happened to "trying222".  His W was a vanisher because she was financially able to, and it hit him hard.  The things she did was mind blowing...worse than my situation for sure.  It crashed pretty close to when my W moved out, so I naively thought I knew enough about MLC at that point and gave up and didn't try to find help elsewhere.  I might not have been in this situation if I had people to turn to for questions when she returned.  Then again, with MLC...nothing is for certain.