[Thunder]

Unconditional...He has never waivered or should me any hope of being confused about his decision to be with her or maybe stay with me.

Mine never waivered either.  He, from the start, made up his mind he wanted to get a D and stuck with that thought until it happened.  He never showed any doubt at all.  Still doesn't.

My X didn't have an ow but I think in his head he didn't want to be a cheater (I know, weird, huh?) so he HAD to get a D so he would be free to find someone else.  His moral compass was still intact.

Afterwards he did try off and on (dating sites, flirting) to find someone but he so far hasn't.  Is he still open to a new R?  I have not a clue.
We have a good relationship now.  No flirting or looking at dating sites, but he's still in crisis so I remain detached but on guard. 

[blackice]

in regards to ow and my h

yesterday he told me that she was there when he needed someone to talk to, she could have been anyone but she is the one who paid him attention at the time and it went from there. she did however push and pursue, he said it caught him off guard and he was in a bad place and vulnerable and she took advantage of that. basically let me know there isn't anything special about her, she was just the one who said yes.

[UnconditionalLove]

MBIB,
The Runaway Bride - Yes, I use this example on my H's life. He takes on everyone else's likes. He always has and I have tried to get to know who he really was but it's hard. I never know if he likes something because he's friends liked, he's family , liked it or I liked it.  I do believe how he likes his eggs has a lot to do with MLC. He's lost! Thanks for your personal journey and insights.  I know it's still early for me but I'm always trying to figure out what I know I can't. LOL!

Heart,
Yes, it's still early! I do need to be reminded of that.  I feel like two weeks ago Tuesday when he moved out and stayed at a hotel for 2 days then took off secretly to make a drive to see the OW 18 hours away in a car I still can't believe made the trip if he took it set panic in me.  It is easier for sure when I don't see him. I get sad, I cry and pray but I do see that I'm not feel with stress anxiety.  I know or I feel like these days with her moved their relationship to another level, has got him thinking possibly, and after a few days of being there he sees maybe his issues haven't gone away being away from me and with her.  I feel like this long, long week has to be to get him moving through the tunnel even if so slowly. But, I don't like it and it just brought up so many red horrible flags and feelings. 

I feel like my H is a high boomerang with all the grief he has given me. But I do wonder if he isn't clingy too. I get confused with that. He would have stayed in the apartment forever but I believe that is mainly because he's OW doesn't live in our state. So, he had no where to go and didn't want to be alone although he says he does. Also, I think he thought it was to his benefit to be in the apartment so he could try and talk me into what he wanted for the divorce. Moving it fast. 

I do believe my H is involved with a dysfunctional person that I hope will show her true colors soon and he sees it. I'm hoping he doesn't let her lead him down a more destructive path and we'll wake up.  I do believe they both need each other but I'm hoping his eyes will open up at some point. He has completely created havoc on his professional, personal and spiritual and financial life.  He can't be happy. I just can't see how her direction he has been following has brought any happiness to him.  He's losing everything and being lead by someone who has no credibility.

Thanks everyone!

[UnconditionalLove]

Thanks Thunder for replying!
Are you back in a relationship with your XH? Are you both now after the divorce coming together and reconnecting?

Black, I would like to think OW isn't special.  I have seen her and she's not in that way.  Their connection started with a stupid research thing and he thought she was really smart and I'm sure she thought the same of him.  She fed his ego and then she became sick with lupus and need a savior and that's all it took for my husband. I'm sure he was already into MLC before they met in summer of 2013 and in his head even back then was looking for an open door. Somewhere in 2014 that door opened for him. I don't believe she is special in any sense of the word we would think of.

My H is giving up a great life for a could be boring one for him.  We traveled a lot, had a lot of professional friends. They aren't going to have that and she doesn't have any background for him to make new professional friends.  So, I don't see him going to OW as a means of a awesome, exciting new life. He might think that now but after the newest is over he is going to be bored and I do know he likes his trips. LOL!  I do see this as an affair down.  She's got more the gain from this then him other than their emotional connection right now.

[Thunder]

Unconditional,

No we are not reconnecting, in the sense you mean.  We never really stopped seeing each other.  I did go nc for a few weeks after I moved out, but after that we have pretty much seen each other almost every day.

I decided as long as there was no OP involved I'd would still see him.  It's just too crazy to explain.  Our relationship never went bad.  After BD we remained in the house together.  After D was final I moved out.
But it's like nothing has really changed, except we no longer live together.  Neither one of us has seen anyone else.

I see my X as a very depressed person right now, still in his crisis but he has not worked on his issues that I can see.  So I'm still leery of any future together.  But I'm just going with the flow, no R talks and hoping one day he works himself out.

It has been almost 3 years now since BD and I see many good changes in him.  The frantic replay actions are no longer there.  But he is still not normal...what ever "normal" is.  lol

Hang in there.  Your H has a long ways to go...and so do you.  You will change with this crisis, too.
Just take care of yourself and try not to obsess over it.  It will only make you sick.  It will end however it is supposed to end.

My only advice would be to be light and friendly when you are around him and no R talks...ever!!  If he brings up something about your relationship or blames you for something just say...I'm sorry you feel that way and leave it alone.  You can't control how he feels.  Just accept that he feels that way right now.  His head is a mess.

[UnconditionalLove]

Thanks Thunder,
I could see our relationship(other than I believe he's going to move from Georgia to New Hampshire where OW is) going in your direction. We are actually friendly with each other other than anything to do with our relationship which we don't talk about. I might have made a mistake in working him out the door but because of replay I just couldn't trust him with what he would do next.  I hated that I wasn't comfortable our apartment and leaving it alone with him.  You know how they get a thought then have to act on it and that was scary to me.  Plus, I knew he's not going to like how the divorce is going to end and I just don't want him in the apartment putting blame on me or throwing out how horrible I am because he has to pay me this or that.

Other than that we are fine, he jokes around, talks to me, etc. But, I also know he despises me, hates me, and wants out because that is what he's head is telling me. So, he's kindness for now is mixed with manipulation, or was maybe mixed to stay in the apartment till divorce ended.

It does sound like your husband loves you or he's moving back to see the value you in there and will work toward reconnecting or is already doing that.

I'm working on me. Slowly, it's been sad but less stressful the last couple of weeks with H being with the OW in another state.  When he gets back everything will start falling apart financially with him going to another place.  I'm not sure he really wants to do that. I think it scares him and that is why he ran.  He doesn't know how to be on his own.

I have worked out the be light, friendly and no R talks. I've been doing well with that. He doesn't bring up relationship talks, does give me much verbal monster unless I do something that he seems to think is unfair with divorce papers and life. Then it's usually a matter of minutes and he's over it. I totally know I can't control how he feel and I can't change him and I sure do know his head is a MESS.

Thanks Thunder!

[Split open and melt]

Just first seeing this thread...

My XW is still with OM, almost been a year. I don't know much of anything about their relationship, I chose not to ask questions. I hear bits and pieces from the kids and that's how I know he's still in the picture.

In the 7 months since divorce I have moved on with another woman who is awesome and I have grown to love her. It's a different kind of love than I had for my XW, but a much healthier and happier relationship.

XW seems to think her OM and I should be friends. I've known him and his buddies for 10 years. But I will never be friends with the dude who walked into my marriage crisis.

[Thunder]

Sadly Unconditional, most MLCers involve OP in the equation and that makes it harder and so much more complicated.

I thought about going out with someone else after BD, just because I was hurting so bad, but now I'm glad I didn't.
Neither of us has "tarnished" our marriage.  I mean its over and we both have every right to see who ever we want now but we can both look back with some kind of pride that we didn't cheat on each other while married.  I can look back at my marriage as a good one.

I hope your H can some day forgive himself for what he did.  He WILL have regrets.  You won't.

[Dagolark]

she was there when he needed someone to talk to, she could have been anyone but she is the one who paid him attention at the time

This part of the OW thing infuriates me... whenever I had a problem, I would run to talk to him. For the last months before BD he was completely avoiding me, either coming home late from work or shutting himself away with his stupid videogames and tv... why, the one time he needed to talk to someone, didn't he turn to me? I was right there, trying to engage him, paying him all the attention in the world, wondering why he was ignoring me... grrrr.

It was about our R, our life together, and I was left completely in the dark and he talked to a stranger instead. It makes me want to scream it's so annoying. I was totally denied agency regarding my own life, even simply the right to know wtf was going on, to have an opinion... just like all of us LBS. How infuriating.

[Treasure]

Quote
she was there when he needed someone to talk to, she could have been anyone but she is the one who paid him attention at the time

This part of the OW thing infuriates me... whenever I had a problem, I would run to talk to him. For the last months before BD he was completely avoiding me, either coming home late from work or shutting himself away with his stupid videogames and tv... why, the one time he needed to talk to someone, didn't he turn to me? I was right there, trying to engage him, paying him all the attention in the world, wondering why he was ignoring me... grrrr.

It was about our R, our life together, and I was left completely in the dark and he talked to a stranger instead. It makes me want to scream it's so annoying. I was totally denied agency regarding my own life, even simply the right to know wtf was going on, to have an opinion... just like all of us LBS. How infuriating.


Gosh Dagolark. ... I couldn't have put it better myself. Exactly what my h did talk to another woman about how unhappy he allegedly was blah blah blah . It hurts to think ghat he couldn't talk to us he'd rather talk to a stranger. And leave us wondering what the hell has happened to our world ! Unfathomable . X