[Anjae]

H also claims to not remember and swears he would never say such things to me.  I call bs on that. 

They can't remember. That does not mean that when they did or said the hurtful things they were not trying to hurt us. But they cannot remember. The brain processes that they suffer, the depression, etc, does not allow them to remember a great amount of things.

Wanted to know who had been here because there were too many donuts missing for just me and d15 to have eaten them.  He can remember how many donuts I have in my house the paranoid ass, but he has memory loss regarding his behavior?  LOL  Still not buying it.

Weird, I know. But it happens. MLCers can remember small unimportant things and totally forget really big ones.

[Searching4Answers]

There are many things my H doesn't remember then when I tell him what he said he says that I misunderstood or took it out of context! It wasn't what he meant. I totally understand the mind protecting the MLCer from remembering things - it is self preservation. I don't know how they eventually face it - it must be so painful for them. I guess that is why some of them never do.

[Anjae]

In the blog of the psychotherapist that is working with Barbiedoll's husband, the therapist had posts about denial and how denial served to preserve the mind of the person in transition/crisis until the person was ready/strong enough to be faced with the issues that much be dealt.

No idea how they manage to face what they have done. At least, for some of them, with the more extreme behaviour, it must be really difficult. I understant that they may want to stay in the tunnel. It is much better than face the mess and the truth about themselves.

[blackice]

Is there a link to this blog. I would like to read what it says.

[Anjae]

Here it is: http://www.briancollinson.ca/index.php/vibrantjungthing It has many posts since it has been running since 2006. But is worthy to take our time to read the whole of it.

[DaRealist]

My xw's bff has herpes and copd.  She has been divorced three times.  Her second husband persuaded her into the swinging lifestyle which resulted in them both contracting herpes.  Her second husband also molested both daughters and gave them herpes.  Now bff has three husbands that hate her and she has a love/hate relationship with both daughters because they feel like she turned a blind eye to their abuse.  This is a woman filled with self-hate and rage underneath her "friendly" exterior.  My xw went to her depressed (empty) and became a tool for bff to act out her secret rage.  I became the target.  Misery loves company so bff slowly pulled xw away from me and the kids.  It was easy since my xw was so empty inside.  Yet at the same time, bff would have had no influence over xw without xw already wanting to escape in the first place.

When my W was depressed she turned to her sister whose life was already a train wreck. This sister hasn't been happy with her husband for a long time but she's never had the courage to do anything about it. So when my W told her she wasn't happy and she didn't know why this sister told her that if she wasn't happy in her marriage she had a right to find someone else who would make her happy. And I've known this woman and thought I had a good relationship with her for over 36 years. What a dumb f*ck. Excuse me, but she really pisses me off!!! 

Did I mention that I'm not happy with W's sister? I think I'm ready to go out to the garage now and go another round with the heavy bag.

I recognize all of this.  Unhappy, miserable people that are too cowardly to take out their rage on the people that hurt them so they abuse someone else's spouse.  And we're the perfect targets because we actually love our spouses and take the abuse for so long.

[paradigmshift]

The answer to this question is YES.
And NO.

A big YES, they were intentionally trying to hurt us. That's a fact.
And a small no, because they did it thinking that we were the cause of all their misery.

When I was in so much pain and took a knife intending to end it all, he did not stop me. We were on Skype. He was expressionless the whole time. I later found out that he actually took screenshots of me grimacing in pain. I asked him what he did that for. He said in order to remember the moment. I never figured out what he meant. It was probably to remind him what a crazy woman I was and he was right to leave me. (Gaslighting)

During second BD, again when I was rolling in so much pain, he took out his hp and started videotaping me with a smirk on his face. To prove his point that I was just a crazy woman and the cause of all his problems.

He had a smile on his face as he looked back at me after he called the cops on me (because I was holding onto him for dear life) and made his getaway in a cab.

BUT, before the second BD when I still had the chance to speak to him, he admitted with much reluctance and pain, that his failing business and how he had been treated by his clients (he said they shouted at him, I'm guessing they put him down in some way) was why he was running away from it all. He told me that after he closed his business, his ex-clients started treating him very well and asking him out for meals. Poor naive guy didn't have a clue why. He was very happy about it because he wanted validation from them. So guess who the blame had to be assigned to? ME.

Well, I guess if his memory ever fails him, he will have pictures and video to remind him.

[hawk]

My ex seemed to have no comprehension of what destroying the family meant to me. She didn't seem to even comprehend what not living in the same house as my own daughter meant to me .
She seemed to have lost all understanding or our 19yrs together and the growing old together from there , the turning of a corner and then making it 20 yrs and then25 and maybe 40 or 50 one day, the pride of knowing we did it , getting through together. She seemed to think none of that mattered to me . Yet l couldn't even describe what l felt about things like that they're just so deep, the pain and how l pray l will never live that again .
She seemed to think having to live like this with my daughter ,picking her up on wk ends , her having to live like this now,in two houses , worlds. Seeing another man around her own mother wks after being moved out and away from her own father , it was like it was all just nothing . Almost just another adventure .

Even now l have to point out such obvious things , like how hard it is saying goodbye to my daughter when l drop her off , or how hard it is on her just being settled with me and then having to pack up on a Sunday night and swap houses again , leave me .

She had no comprehension, zero ,of what it did to me when OM , answered her phone , my wifes phone , the family and husband of the women he was with , the family he helped destroy , the 11 year old girls heart and life involved , he answers her phone - to me . As if l was just some friend of theirs  .
She said what was the problem , why did l hang up on him - wtf !!!!!
She seemed to not even imagine the 1,000 feelings and hurt l felt from even that one thing.

l will never , understand , how a  mother and a wife , 19yrs , everything we did , and it was a lot , everything we were to each other , our family , daughter . lf l live to be 300 l will never understand how someone could even do that and seem to feel nothing .
 

[onmyway71]

Hawk

I feel your pain brother.  Keep strong prayers.  I have similar experiences still searching for the "why?"  why must it be this way?  This was not our dream our vision if the future?

[Janus2014]

Yes,

My H absolutely wanted to provoke me into getting upset so that he could justify what - he thinks - he wants to do.  When I was finally crying, I expected it to move him, but he just looked at me like he was a clinician.  He said, "Do you know how much I've cried over you?  Now you finally cry.  What do you want, a standing ovation?"

He said and did horrible, degrading things, without necessarily acknowledging what he was doing.  No one I personally know can believe it.  They've never heard of anyone behaving this way.  I tell them about this blog, and say that it's the only place I've ever found others who've experienced the same types of things.