[Darth Obo]

Wow DO, those were some truth spears, not truth darts!  Mine is telling me how he has talked to others who have separated and they don't care what their exes do yet the thought of me going out with someone just kills him.  He said, "Am I that shallow, that I want to go do whatever I want but don't want you to?".  Well yes, actually.  I must say it is tempting but I feel like he would come back if I did date but not having gone through the tunnel based on what others have told me.
Unbelievable how they know they are screwing up so badly sometimes but can't help themselves.  Probably your XW will be able to convince yourself that you are the bad guy somehow.

BP,

Not sure if shallow is the word; he is still connected on some level I would bet! This is very typical of an MLCer; to not want you but not want anyone else to have you! I would say common of a boomerang / clinger; maybe not so much of the other types. It's still cake-eating either way; they can't have it both ways!

If he has verbalized this, then you can bet if / when you do decide to date, it will be a harsh blow and may result in him crawling back! But you are correct; he probably won't be "cooked" enough and it would probably be a T&G to reset the anchor!

To be honest, I believe them seeing you have other options and that other men showing interest in you is a good thing. You don't have to act on it; the fact that someone else finds you desirable is going to do a couple things:

1) Great confidence boost for you; don't say it isn't so! 
2) It puts that dread into the MLCer that you have options and it is quite possible someone else out there could actually treat you better and offer a more fulfilling relationship! The thought of losing you becomes VERY real!!!!!

I am sure I am already the bad guy and my character has been assassinated. However, a few of our mutual friends, and even her personal friends have "checked up" on me to see how I am doing and want to make sure I am ok!! I am pretty sure the true nature of things are starting to come to light! It always does in the end!

[hawk]

Nice one Obo.    I don't think she's ever going to leave you alone.  She's probably starting to see that the grass isn't greener.  Obviously she's still in MLC or else she wouldn't still be trying to go on dates.  It is funny how clingers want us to move on, yet they don't really want us to move on - or make it very difficult to.  They still want their cake. 

I wonder what she's going to be like if/when she's out of the fog?  If she's this clingy now, I can only imagine how much she'll try to communicate with you.  My W practically stalked me when she wanted back the first time.

It was harsh but honestly, it was the brutal truth and it obviously hit home!

She is definitely hitting the wall! I am pretty sure that BF#2 has dumped her or things have cooled. She had asked to allow D11 to meet him & if I wanted to meet him first (part of our agreement to protect D11). I said I will definitely meet him; public place preferred and it would be only him and I. The only thing that would be discussed is his exposure and actions around D11 and consequences if he crossed the boundaries. Apparently, he is a P***y; he was scared he would "get a gun in his face", or so the X told me! Wow.....really??? Since then, there has been no talk of it anymore and nothing of note coming from D11 (she tells me everything whether I want to know or not)!

I don't know what she will be like, but from what I am seeing, and the attempts at contact other than for D11, my guess is she is already seeing the grass is not green; it is $hit brown. I am sure the fact I am in a new, solid relationship, cuts pretty deep too! I didn't jump into the dating game and all that crap; I actually met someone I liked and have high compatibility and have not detoured! Already got the "I can't believe you replaced me already" script and apparently she cried when she saw a picture of us together. I countered it with "Well, you did say you wanted me to find someone else and be happy" along with "Sorry you feel that way, but it's just how things are now so got to get use to it"!

And she still tries to prod me for info on my personal life; especially when she knows or suspects I have been with my GF!!!

When she comes out of the fog, I am guessing I am going to have to deal with a lot of regret and crying....and probably some begging! Who knows.....I'll deal with it when the time comes!


DO

How long after the separation did you meet someone DO ?
Just wondering to , what sort of stuff would you have said to the bf about being around your daughter ?

[hawk]

l could not imagine mine ever crawling back. She'd never do it like that anyway , to proud . She did seem to sway a bit here and there around 12mth ish  and l think if not for my pride l probably could've opened the door around those times but l just couldn't do it after the om and everything.
Now days , sep and now divorced ,2yrs all up, she seems to be forging ahead on her new life . She's a totally different person, l feel as if on one hand we can still chat away just like the old us but on the other l often think hell , she is so weird l don't even know her now.

Mine told me she wanted me to be happy too . Her new best friend , yeah the one that encouraged her to destroy her family , actually asked me out 5mths after we separated and she asked ex if she'd mind. So weird all that. Ex said fine. But l wasn't into her anyway and not to mention she'd helped destroy us to boot so , yeah sure ! But eh , all too weird anyway.
Ex has never seen me with anyone else yet . l think she thinks l'm still holding back for her . How weird to take that for granted.
l drop tiny little tease hints here and there though about other girls but sorta say nothing at the same time . Just checkin if the ears prick up really and l'm pretty sure they do as soon as l've left.
She asked me about one girl once . l would've loved to know wtf that was about or what she'd heard . l didn't tell her anything just brushed it off just to tease her but truth is , l didn't even know the girl.
There's no one around that takes my interest what so ever anyway these days , at all .

[toomanytearss]

Mine's told me to date also, just not his friends.    Like I would date those nutcases.  I have dated and I didn't tell h until he told me he had left ow and wanted to try to put us together.  Trust me - I know this is a touch and go.  I did feel I owed it to him to tell him that I had dated, but that's it, more friendship, nothing physical.  H said he had no right to be upset so it was fine.

I have learned I will never tell him again if I go back to dating or anything else about my life.  Just gives them fuel for their fire and they don't see it as starting over open and honest and they sure don't get jealous, at least not the way we would like.  The only question h asked was who paid.  LOL  I said not me, he said then it was a date, not friends.  I don't think he cared either way, he was just annoyed that I might have paid - you know the old that's where my support money goes crap.  Let's not take into account that I have a job also. 

I also see that my h is changing, what I thought were things that would be temporary through the mlc, I believe I am seeing some things that will be there even after.  I kind of don't like them.  I don't want to be married to a man who is narrow minded, judgemental, and acts like he's 90 and 2 at the same time.  These things were there before mlc but are very prominent now.  Time will tell I guess. 

[Janus2014]

"They need to be married a min of 10 years before she can get part of his pension."

She can get part of the pension prior to 10 years of marriage.  10 years just gets the spouse the right to have the spouse's portion automatically deducted from the pension payment before it is paid to the retiree.  As opposed to having to wrangle it from the retiree. 

"Attack on FB."

What is it with FB?  Most moms I know who are on FB fixate on posting things about their kids.  H's OW only posts cryptic clues about her R with H.  One of them was an FU selfie to me with a cropped pic of H in her house in the background.


"To not want you but not want anyone else to have you!"

I asked MLCer 4 months go if he wanted me to give up on our M, move on and find another guy.  (Not that I want to date for a long time, but that's all H understands.)  H said no.  I then said, OK, then let's not pursue others until we figure this out.   Nope - H went right back after OW and is cake eating like a starving man let loose in a bakery!  (HE'S "Cake Boss") 

H had run off to the Middle East last year for a job and was flying OW in to see him.  But when H came home for Thanksgiving last year, H went in my phone and gave me a hassle over a text from a female colleague at a conference asking about where my male colleague from my 5 year old MLC was.

[Lanzo]

Not dated, not met anyone special but I take heart from the quote below from my thread.

I don't really have any advice that everybody else hasn't given already, but I'm glad you are living life with no expectations and being a parent to your kids the best you can. Somebody will come along one day that will be your new partner in life.

Family have said xW will never find anyone as good as me, and if I do meet someone xW will not be happy.  (She'll never be happy).

Lanzo

[Howmanytimes]

Hi Janus

In answer to your question about your H OW in the UK not receiving any help and needing money from your H.  That is crap because in the UK the benefit system is quite generous and especially if people have children they will never starve.  The state will pay for their housing and sometimes people who live off the state are better off than those who work.  Also people who work get plenty of help if they have children.  They get child allowance and help with child care for very young children.  She is like all the ows and that is she is a money grabber.  My H is too thick to realise that she is after his money.  She is totally immoral.

Take care

[Medusa]

I was told that of I wound up with someone else (presumably before we are divorced) I wouldn't be doing anything different than he is. I was also told it would be "nice" if I waited around for him to get through this.

TMT, thanks for your comment about narrow-mindedness. You just made me realize something. Mine used to be very homophobic. No surprise, he is a Marine. A year or so before BD, though, he was becoming more accepting of homosexuals. I thought it was very strange and actually thought he was starting to grow up! But at the same time, he was getting really odd about how I cooked. I grilled bratwurst wrong.  One evening I was chastised for putting garlic in whatever I was making and, as he was berating me, he reached over and started eating raw onions, something he would never eat because they disagree with him. I asked when he started eating those and was told he "always" did of they were sweet onions. Wow...in 26 years of marriage, I never once saw him eat a raw onion and always bought Vidalias. So what I just put together is that I may very ell have been watching his personality starting to change. On the one hand, he might have been growing up. On the other, with food, he was acting like a spoiled toddler.

[toomanytearss]

LOL Medusa.  Spoiled toddlers is so apt.  Mine has always bragged about my cooking.  No matter how many hours I worked he always had a hot meal ready no matter what time he came home.  My son said to him the other night at the "family meeting" that he hopes we can find our way back together because he misses my cooking (I don't cook much anymore).  H said, why, the only thing your mom can cook decent is fried chicken.  OUCH - he shoved the knife in and twisted.  LOL

D15 and s26 were vocal about that and h finally shut up.  But I found it interesting after I got done wanting to strangle him.  When we first met I couldn't cook ANYTHING!!!  But after we married I wanted to be a good wife and so I tried my hardest.  I cooked fried chicken one night, it wasn't done properly, h remarked his mother wouldn't cook it that way.  OK, I was a bit of a crazy girl back then, so I took his plate, dumped it in the trash and told him to go eat at his mommy's then.  Now he believes this is the only meal I can cook decent.  There has to be something to this I just can't figure it out. 

[Medusa]

My mom was a chef. I think I'm genetically inclined to be a great cook. I don't do it too much anymore, either, but that's mostly because my work schedule is incompatible with S20s school/work schedule. Regardless, I really don't care if that man misses my cooking or not. Thought about this very subject this weekend when I had the pleasure of making chili for some friends. I had the random question if he missed all those wonderful things I used to make and then started laughing because he won't get "The" chocolate cake for his birthday again this year. Nor will he get my special ginger cookies for Christmas. S, me and whomever I decide to share them will will get that pleasure. Its petty, but I do hope he fondly remembers those cookies. If he Eve denied loving them, I will question why I had to make 2-3 batches very single year.

They have to make us to be the opposite of what we really are to justify themselves. I swear they have to convince themselves that we were awful at absolutely everything...we couldn't do anything right (like cook bratwurst).