[Mad Hatter]

This is where most men differ from women; when we have had enough and it is time to draw the line, we cut out the emotions and use an almost complete logical process. We won't wait around and for the most part, once we make a decision, it's a done deal!

So, if our MLCer has said he is done, not coming back, not going to beg to return, is it truly a done deal?...

I'm sure MH will chime back in, but I think he was referring more to the LBS male spouse.  Once we have had enough of the BS, WE turn off that emotional switch, and is pretty much a done deal.

Meant to respond to this earlier, but yes, T is correct; I am referring to what I feel is a common male mindset (but not all men are like this).

I know this is an MLC support forum, but not everything we talk about will apply to a man (or woman) in crisis. They are not thinking straight or using the same rationale as someone not in crisis. Some of the ideas offered were for those ladies that are observing and want to understand the differences in how we normal men think. There are exceptions to every rule, but it has been generally established that men & women think and process things completely different.

I'll try to be more specific in the future when I post thoughts / ideas / theories on things and the context I mean them in.

[Mad Hatter]

I think my w is looking for a weak person she can control. The people I know of that she has been spotted with are neither socially or economically upgrades nor could they possibly be perceived as such. I am "rugged" and in touch with my "bad" side. I think mine has gone the opposite and is looking for some little b!txh boy she can control and manipulate. She knows better than to bring any of them anywhere there is even a remote possibility of running into me.

This is a very valid scenario, especially if they had narcissistic tendencies or personality to begin with. Not uncommon for one to marry with the intent of trying to "change" their partner of perceived flaws and/or manipulate them into their way of thinking or wants.

If successful, the guy ends up henpecked and emasculated. If unsuccessful, he pushes back and she eventually gives up and runs, usually with heavy drama and lashing out!

[Dji76]

Yes, my wife is bpd. Now that I understand what that means the last 19 years of my life make a lot more sense. So there is that to contend with as well. Therapist has also talked about taking her off anti depressants and switching to a mood stabalizer like lithium.

[ruggedendurance]

Dj,

I have a strong suspicion the xw is bp also.............

If this is true?    It would explain a lot of the marriage I had with her.

What the he!!?     If MLC isn't bad enough?

Add yet another pepper to the nuclear chili.

[Mad Hatter]

Yes, my wife is bpd. Now that I understand what that means the last 19 years of my life make a lot more sense. So there is that to contend with as well. Therapist has also talked about taking her off anti depressants and switching to a mood stabalizer like lithium.

Dj,

I have a strong suspicion the xw is bp also.............
If this is true?    It would explain a lot of the marriage I had with her.
What the he!!?     If MLC isn't bad enough?
Add yet another pepper to the nuclear chili.

I know many here will probably not agree with me on this, but I think the community "over-diagnoses" people with "MLC". As much as I have read here about these "MLCers" having either symptoms of or confirmed diagnosis of BPD's, narcissism & depressions, it wouldn't surprise me if what we are seeing is actually the long-term affects of these conditions coming to a head rather than just a FOO flip-out!

[Thundarr]

Yes, my wife is bpd. Now that I understand what that means the last 19 years of my life make a lot more sense. So there is that to contend with as well. Therapist has also talked about taking her off anti depressants and switching to a mood stabalizer like lithium.

Dj,

I have a strong suspicion the xw is bp also.............
If this is true?    It would explain a lot of the marriage I had with her.
What the he!!?     If MLC isn't bad enough?
Add yet another pepper to the nuclear chili.

I know many here will probably not agree with me on this, but I think the community "over-diagnoses" people with "MLC". As much as I have read here about these "MLCers" having either symptoms of or confirmed diagnosis of BPD's, narcissism & depressions, it wouldn't surprise me if what we are seeing is actually the long-term affects of these conditions coming to a head rather than just a FOO flip-out!

Agreed.  I've always said that not all here are MLC, and if you want to get technical then diagnosing even one is over-diagnosing as it isn't recognized.  I know something.....something...is wrong with XW, but despite all my knowledge I have no better explanation or true diagnosis that fits any better.

[Dji76]

Couldn't agree more with u MH... I think "MLC" is kinda a catch all for this stuff. FOO issues can be the root cause of depression and personality disorder. It doesn't really matter what its called. Common themes of substance abuse, affairs, escape & avoid (replay) behavior, resentment, blame... all speak to a person who was not taught the tools to manage normal adult life. It all stems from poor self esteem and lack of healthy coping skills imo.

[OldPilot]

Bipolar disorder and MLC.

My mother was bipolar her whole life, when she hit midlife her BPD became much worse,
and her BPD was pretty bad to begin with.
In general any disease or malfunction of ones body becomes worse at midlife,
it is a fact that I can personally attest too, that my bad knees and bad shoulders are much worse now.
Stress can also worsen any diseases within your body,
look at home many people develop cancer at midlife too.

All that being said, MLC can also look like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression or lots of other things.

So I think that it depends on what was diagnosed pre midlife, (or occurred as undiagnosed).

I see it quite easily confused between the two, and many people
are mentally ill and undiagnosed, so that adds to the confusion.

Did I say MLC = Confusion....... LOL!

I guess the point really becomes is that some mental illnesses can be controlled by medication.
MLC will not be controlled, just like giving a 13 year old a pill will not make them grow up.

Wish I could make this easier but none of this is easy.

[Mad Hatter]

Excerpt from article:

"The heartbreaking realities of divorce include the high split rate for people with mental illnesses. A multinational study of mental disorders, marriage and divorce published in 2011 found that a sample of 18 mental disorders all increased the likelihood of divorce — ranging from a 20 percent increase to an 80 percent increase in the divorce rate. Addictions and major depression were the highest factors, with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) also significant.

Elsewhere, researchers have shown a strong link between personality disorders and elevated divorce rates, with antisocial personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder having the highest rates. The authors accepted that there was insufficient research on narcissistic personality disorder to quantify its effect on divorce, although anecdotal evidence strongly suggests a link. With the reported increase in narcissistic traits in the U.S., we are likely to see this as an increasing category.

From my observation, I would estimate that 80 percent of the people who attend my divorce recovery classes suffer from a mental illness or disorder, or have dealt with a partner with one or more mental health conditions. The challenges of being married to a person with a mental illness or disorder are often made considerably worse during the divorce process, and an individual with a mental health challenge will see their symptoms worsen during divorce.

Many people with mental health concerns have additional barriers to achieving intimacy and have trouble consistently engaging in behaviors that support a marriage. The top two mental health conditions that contribute to divorce have been reported to be major depression and addictions. In addition, bipolar disorder seems to be related to divorce by virtue of how long and how severe the depressive episodes are and the amount of life stress associated with a manic episode (for example: debt incurred or partner betrayed by cheating). The wonderful book An Unquiet Mind, written by Kay Redfield Jamison in 1995, vividly describes the author’s experience of living with bipolar disorder."

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/mental-illness-divorce-what-you-need-to-know.html

[Picton]

Thanks MH - very interesting reading!

Kia Kaha - stay strong