[barbiedoll]

I have gone over and over and over the incredible insanity of where this all started . All this sorrow, all this pain , gut wrenching grief for a moment of going with a decision that permanently changes so many lives. Forever. My husband has been a faithfull , loyal , moral husband since he was 22 . He is now 57 . He was the most trusted human being in my life and NEVER did I believe he would involve himself with another women. When I 1st found Heros Spouse , I deleted it . It made me angry when I read affairs are likely. I thought it was no place for me because he was different . This will make me cry.. I can feel the emotion , just rememberring . He went out one day to help our son-in-law re-shingle his roof . He missed a days work to do this and I was extremely shocked . It was the 1st time EVER that he missed work since I have known him ... so it was very odd behavior. But off he went . They shingled all day ..I saw that he had a very important opportunity to "show off ".. to show he "still had it ". He carried shingles slung over his shoulder up 2 floors and was delighted to impress the young men with his strength and agility . He soaked up thier amazement. Shirtless he worked like he was 30 years old . I had seen this need for validation or admiration from younger men before . He was proving he was still the "man to beat ". He shingled for 12 hours. The son-in -law then took him for supper as repayment . So they showerred up and he called me to say he was going to grab a burger and would be home . So, they went to local Roadhouse / bar and had a beer and supper and he is all "macho'd up " . The "OW " is there . We have known her for ever .. since she was 14 , and her mother lost control of her then . I was friends with her mother . The OW is 48 and she has cut family's hair for over 30 years ... including my husband . She came to thier table and hugged my husband from behind. My son-in-law has told me with great drama .. " she utterly sent a chill up my back.. gave me the creeps . He could see what she was made of, like a radar men have to spot a "women in heat " . ( his words) . She had a new phone and acted like a true `dumsel`asking my husband to show her how tho work it.. especially how to enter phone numbers etc. So, the big hero shows her all about her new phone . He put his phone number in her phone ( she already our home number at her shop ) to show her how to do it and they text back and forth in the bar . No big deal says my husband .. never thought a thing about it . He left the bar around 10 and on his way home , she texted him ... she said .. GO HOME BIG BOY " . And that was it . That was the start of the disintigration of my life and my marriage . He text her back and suddenly he feels .. she likes him , she is interested , she made him feel special and admired .. over a phone. She touched him repeatedly , rubbed his shoulder , smiled and just was all taken in by big strong smart him. He noticed .. so did my son in law but in a pueky way . Anyway, the next day , on his way home from work , he texted her and said he wanted to see her  ( he has no explantion for this horrific decision ).. he just did . She told him to drop by and within 29 minutes they are in bed and life on earth as I knew it was over . I told him that I truly hope that it was the best orgasm he ever had ... because many people have been emotionally slaughtered by a man , a zipper and a wh*re . And from there it continued from April ( maybe March ) until November . I found out who it was 1 week prior to him coming home . 1 week. All summer she mixed with family , asking questions about me and my husband to my girls etc . The most evil betrayal of a sociopath. I still relive the shock. A double betrayal guts you. Just like that .. 2 people can slap there genitals together , enter a very powerfull fantasy addiction and all sense , honor, integrity and committment is gone . And of course .. the horrific monster that I was forced to live with while he is infatuated with a grade 10 hairdresser , on probation and convicted of assault , 2 marriages under her belt , a drinker , 2 incredibly dysfuctional sons ( 1 in a permanent home for brain injury from drugs , the other in and out of jail), a long history with bulemia , and will sleep with anything with blood running thru it . He knew all this about her . But , what is done is done . He and I were in Las Vegas 3 weeks prior to this affair starting and all was well. I guess not . This is the start of the voyage for me , as a result of a decision HE MADE . He still cannot explain WHY . A trigger . This is how LBS happen . Sometimes I think his affair, started his midlife crisis , not the other way around . He denies this, says he had already "decided " the marriage was over . Another secret he did not mention. Two weeks in Las Vegas with a man who has decided his marriage is over and I do not even notice? Who was I with?. He has skill as an actor and Hollywood is looking for him ... or Jerry Springer . Anybody know how their husbands affair started .. I would like to know . Not sure anyone can beat the stupidity of my desperate HERO.

[Ready2Transform]

Oh, Barbie.   How ridiculous.  Certainly no one wants to hear it's a big romance that was very meaningful or important, but there's a certain sting in knowing something so beneath us is what started the ball rolling. 

My husband quit his 10+ year job in May 2008 to work full time in my home business ("our business" at the time, but it went downhill pretty fast when the new wore off and the recession set it).  By late 2009 we had a lot of financial problems, but his pride wouldn't let him go back to the job.  He developed some health issues with his kidneys and digestive track, and our love life was way off the rails.

So that's the part that sounds normal!  But add in that he was a Colonial War reenactor, had been for decades.  It was not my thing at all, but I was never the kind of wife that tried to dictate what his hobbies could be.  I enjoyed my weekends to myself when he had an event to attend out of state.

In 2009 he started spending more and more time at events, many times focusing on planning things instead of working and spending money we didn't have on it.  He came back from one that November and said R & D (a couple who had been long time friends in the hobby, though I'd always thought they were kind of trashy/sketchy - especially D, the wife) had brought a friend this time - a female reenactor that he had "a lot in common with! She's into all of the same bands I'm into!" (forget that he was actually into none of the bands he was mentioning - it was all punk music from when he was a teen that he hadn't listened to in decades). 

This friend is of course OW.  She was married with three kids, and lived two states away.  Sent him a friend request on FB right away.  Our desks faced each other in our office, and he looked up at me from his computer with a big grin and said, "I feel kind of weird accepting it...what do you think?  I don't have a lot of reenactor friends on here."  Actually, he DID.  And the whole scene was bizarre.  I said, "I don't care!" because, I didn't!  It's FB.  Not real life.

Within a week he told me she'd started insinuating that she had feelings for him and he wanted to let me know.  He said it made him feel bad because he was afraid he'd sent her the wrong signals when they joked around online and he didn't know what to do.  He said he didn't want to hurt her feelings (HA!  Would say the same words to me soon enough).  I encouraged him to be honest with her, and I thanked him for sharing it with me.  I didn't ask to see the email because I trusted him implicitly, as we all did our spouses.  When she wrote back saying she didn't mean to imply that she was interested, he seemed relieved.  Of course, this is the story I got, could be different.  Off the cuff he did say, "You know there's nothing there for me, because she's got kids!".    He's not a big kid fan.

Within a month they were at events together again and she was sending him home with witchcraft items to place around the house. LOL  He didn't have a smartphone yet so he had his laptop with him 24/7 so they could talk.  Rarely did we get to watch a movie or eat a meal where she wasn't present - all under the guise of planning some event or just needing his "friends" that I wouldn't let him have.  She started befriending my business colleagues, and even met for coffee with one who filled me in on the sordid details ("She's not like us!").  To put into perspective how weird that is, she's a dog groomer, and I own a creative content marketing agency.  So yeah...we don't really share connections, unless there's a really talented Labrador out there who could possibly work with us both.

Just skip ahead so I don't tell the whole story, LOL - it started physically in a tent at one of the forts, according to him.  Where people were literally a few feet away, and no one showers at these things, so I'm sure it was a beautiful experience.   He came home with a bite somewhere you wouldn't want one, and tried to play it off to me that he'd gotten something caught in his pants zipper. LOL  Since I hadn't even seen it - it was kind of a red flag that he was saying a little too much.

I don't really believe it was the first time since there were signs long before, but he does own up that it was an EA long before a PA.  I may never know.  That's fine - it's all so weird, I may make up something better! LOL

In 2012 when I reminded him of that original email that made him feel bad - he looked at me like a deer in headlights.  These women are predators, and men don't like to feel like they've been duped, so when that reality sets in, it's not pretty.  But in my case, it's continued to fuel the MLC and make him try to validate this relationship as something more.  Probably won't work out long term, I would think. 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

These women are predators

I believe my wife's OM is also a predator. After all, 7 years ago he was hitting on my D31 when he was her boss and she was married at the time. But it seems to be unpopular on HS to assign blame to the OP so I was beginning to think maybe my wife was the only MLCer to get involved with a predator. Based on these two stories, there are at least two other MLCers who are involved with predators. Thanks for starting this topic. I believe the predatory OP has a lot to do with MLCs taking so dang long.

I'm not sure that I know my wife's story but I know she was severely depressed at the time the affair started. Who would start an affair with a severely depressed woman who is in a long term marriage but a predator. I've been told by a third party that my wife went to him (they work together) for advice because our granddaughter was cutting herself and his daughter had done the same thing but I'm not sure that's the truth. My D31 thinks our granddaughter was cutting herself because she knew about the affair and couldn't tell anyone. My wife and the OM tried to get our 13yo granddaughter to be his D13's bff. D31 says our granddaughter didn't quit cutting herself until after the truth about the affair finally came out. Our granddaughter eventually grew to despise him and his D13 and when my wife became unhappy because the two girls were having problems at school he sent his D13 70 miles away to live with her mother. The mother he had told everyone didn't want her. 

[barbiedoll]

Exactly .. predators ! I have been 100% committed to making my husband own 100% of his decision to start an affair. I no way believe it is the OW 's fault . I have never told him this .. and will not .. but she was an absolute predator . Years ago she made innapropriate comments to another daughters husband . He told immidiately and they worked out some ways that he was not alone with her as he felt incredibly uncomfortable. She cannot pay her rent , could not even purchase a 20 clothing item ( no credit and apparrently no $ .. ) and I am telling you.. my husband looks extremely loaded . We live in an 750,000.00 Victorian home , vacation lots and had 2 fabulous jobs . ( he quit his ). He is very very handsome , personable and she well knew he was a " rock solid man ". ( WAS... he not that special anymore ) . She saw an incredible catch and went for it from her back. In some ways , she initiated contact with him and most certainly pursued him after the deed was done . My son - in- law said " she was all over him etc ". IN NO WAY is she to blame for his decision... but she is an absolute predator .

[Slow Fade]

I don't know the details of how my H's affair started. I don't know if I want to. I have my suspicions, but I have no information other than confirmation that he was having one.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

He told immidiately and they worked out some ways that he was not alone with her as he felt incredibly uncomfortable.

My wife is (was?) very trusting. The only time I've ever been seriously angry with her was when she agreed to let our D31's boyfriend live with us. D31 was only 16 at the time. I didn't like him and didn't trust him and it turns out I was right. When she turned 17 and was still in high school he convinced her to move out and live with him. He used every emotionally manipulative trick in the book, telling her if she didn't move in with him she'd never see him again, he'd move 1200 miles away, he'd kill himself. Three months later she had to move back home because they were broke and she was pregnant. I told him if he hung around he would be paying child support but that we would take care of the child's needs if he left her alone. We never saw him again. Of course, there is a positive side to this story because my wife and I raised that little girl until she was 10 years old and she's a wonderful young lady who's helping to keep me sane now.

Fast forward 7 years. D31 is 24 years old and works at the school with her mother. Future OM is her boss. She tells her mother he makes her uncomfortable because he's always hitting on her. My wife told her she has a good job and he's harmless so she should just ignore him. A short while later her husband joined the army and she quit her job to go and be with  him.

Fast forward another 7 years. My wife is severely depressed but after a little while starts acting more cheerful. A couple of months later BD hits and I eventually learn that they started talking during the time when she was so depressed. I think he's a predator, he saw her defenses were down, and he went after her. We don't live in a 750,000.00 house but I've been told he's broke and we are (were?) pretty comfortable. And now he will be if she's follows through with the divorce. D31 told me that the OM is just as emotionally manipulative as her earlier boyfriend was.

[nah]

I don't know the details of how my H's affair started. I don't know if I want to. I have my suspicions, but I have no information other than confirmation that he was having one.

Almost two years post BD and I don't even know her name, by choice.

[Slow Fade]

I know her name, where she works and where she lives and a little about her past via scorned woman investigations through H's Facebook (I had his password ) and I've seen pictures that H left on our computer, but as to how they met, why he was smitten, what he saw in her that made him throw away his family, when they went from EA to PA, I have no clue.

[HopeFaithLove]

I believe that the OW in my situation is a total predator too. My husband went over to her rented house to fix some plumbing that she states the landlord refused to fix. He was asked by OW's daughter to fix it because a horrible stench was coming into the house and our daughter's were best friends. Her daughter practically lived with us because her mother was always off with baby daddy to child # 5, she had 5 with all different fathers. Apparently when he went there she told him there was a nest of snakes in the brush in her back yard and would he come back and take care of that. (I just love the snake in the grass irony). When he went back on that occasion she told him about how she was in an abusive relationship and didn't know how to get out of it. Our D and her D were going on a trip with my H up to Chicago so they traded numbers so that he could contact her if her D needed her. Doesn't matter that she had her own cell phone. So evidently he proceeded to assist her and encourage her to get out of her relationship and they developed an EA. According to him, the feelings "just happened". She is a master manipulator. I've seen her daughter do the same thing. They use their hardships to play on people's sympathy's. When I asked my H how he could care about someone who neglects their children, (we used to talk about how horrible she was as a mother because only two of her kids live with her, her oldest is dead, died in an ATV accident in Ohio, living with his father in another state) H said, she has reasons for her behavior and I'm not going to share them with you. Then one of the fathers of her children died from leukemia, and she wasn't even in a relationship with him when he died. He was with a different woman and she acts like he's the love of her life and does fundraisers for leukemia and tags him in FB posts when he doesn't even have a facebook because he's dead. Oh and she was pregnant a sixth time which she had a miscarriage and this caused her to need anxiety medicine so she states that made her go crazy and go outside in her bra and underwear, thumping a bible and yelling verses and tear up her apartment and writing weird stuff all over the walls. I don't want to sound like a heartless person, because lord knows that losing a child and miscarriages are painful, but that doesn't give you the excuse to steal someone else's' man and use that as a poor me leverage for people to feel sorry for you. I believe she used pregnancy as way to hold all of her men anyway. Whenever she lost one man and got another, she got pregnant again. Thank God H had a vasectomy. Baby Daddy told me that she uses visitation of his son to control him. If he does anything she doesn't like including dating people she doesn't like, he doesn't get to see their son until she needs something or changes her mind for whatever reason.
My H and I have a 250, 000 home on one acre, a boat, a camper and 2 jetskis, we have worked our a$$es off for everything we have and that b!+ch covets every bit of it> Like Barbiedoll my husband was an awesome family man who would never be expected to act in the manner that he has, cheating, leaving me and spending no time with his kids whom he's always adored. Yes, he made his decisions, but there is no doubt in my mind that she manipulated it just the way she wanted it and is still doing so now.

[I believe in angels]

Hi, after almost 5 yrs after bd, I can tell you that the op is a manipulative, controlling broken person, out to get everything they want, including our spouses. However, our spouses, made a choice to do this also, they made a choice to commit to the affair. Predator or no predator, our spouses did this, and made this choice, without talking to us first, that was their choice. The predator could have been anyone at anytime, but our spouses made that leap into affairdom.

However, affairs are not happy, I know, my h affair for almost 4 yrs was not, and this was confirmed by my boys. H affair is now over and he is pursueing other broken people to get his fix. They made the choice regardless of who came along, it is not about the affairee, it is all about the spouse and their choices. A stronger spouse would hopefully have declined the msnipulation of the predator, however, ours were weak and to them they took the easy path to fulfillment. Again, however, we know, that that was not the right path to choose, as they remain in unhappiness. They chose this path and it is their fault what happens, not the op and not the spouse.

Our spouses could not resist temptation, but they chose to fail and did not resist.

One day, I know and have a gut feeling that my h will regret everything he has done, and tbh, I hope he does. I chose to follow a different path from him and I am stronger for it.

Sorry to rant, but after seeing the ow of my h, he must have been desperate to get off the path we were following, but instead of talking to me about it, he chose an easy option, someone or it could have easily been something else, I think vodka still plays a big role in his life rather than man up and deal with things.

Xx