[LoveMeMyself]

Faithful:

    It was totally him..........he left me while I was out of town visiting my daughter.  I had a terrible feeling in my gut that something was wrong.  He and I talked in Oct. (BD) and went through all the crying and begging and pleading.  He cried a lot and said he was just "unhappy" and didn't know what was going on with him.  He later told me he had been this way for about two years.........really?  I didn't see it coming.  His mother had died and he dealt with all the legal aspects of her Estate for approximately two years........then about a year into that he retired from his job and started a new one.........to which he was miserable from the get-go.  He hated it.  I figured that between the death of his mother and his sitch with his new job tossed him right into MLC.  We 'celebrated' (if you will) our 5th Anniversary in Nov. right after BD..........he was having an EA with a coworker...........which I discovered about 3 weeks after he left me.  It was awful........just the worst........as you can imagine.  I had to get a grip on myself.........it took many months.  I'm now 4 months divorced......it took nearly a year.  I tried to hold on as long as I could.  I told him I didn't want a D and I'd rather we stay separated until we could work through it.  He wanted no part of it.......said he was "done"!!  No counselling or anything. 

Yes, they (MLC) can literally suck the life out of you.  I miss my xH something terrible........I feel your pain.  I've worked on myself and things are getting better for me........but it is oh still so hard and painful!  I've sat for many hours and gone back over the past 3 years (time line) and started seeing the "signs" that I didn't notice before.  I believe HB had posted something about BD being a half-way point of sorts.......so my xH started about two years prior to BD and it has now been 16 months SINCE BD............so, I'm hoping and holding on............that perhaps around August to October 2011 my xH might begin to start emerging from his tunnel........I know the timeline isn't that predictable but at least I've got something to hang onto for now.

Before my xH left me I noticed his lack of attention to most things......including me.  He stopped holding my hand which we didn't constantly when together.  He clung to the edge of the bed........when he wasn't sleeping in his recliner.  It was a very heartbreaking and lonely time.  I'm still very lonely without him but it's easier not having him underfoot and me having to witness his craziness or his lack of affection toward me. 

Oh, no, as far as I know, there isn't OW now.......the first affair with OW didn't last.....but he found another one immediately afterwards.........but it also didn't last very long.  He actually bought the first one a car!!  We were still very much married at the time and he purchased her a car because he "felt sorry" for her.....she had no credit.  He first told me they were just "friends" and he was only trying to help her.......yeah, right.  She was a manipulator and a predator.........that's for sure.  She wasn't younger than him and in my opinion she was way below his standards........but I understand that is also typical of MLC.

You hang in there.  We are all here in the same boat.........some bigger than others.........but just keep afloat and row when you have too!

[HeartsBlessing]

HB,
This is the hardest thing I have ever been through even over death..Knowing that my H is knowing that he is having an affair in front of my face. I focuse on me but somehow he knows how to pull me back in and then the next day it is back to being distance. I feel stupid for falling for the pattern because it feels so good to get his attenetion and affection when he gives it knowing all along he has the ow. Last night was good..but today it is back to "I think that I am going out Sat and I dont want to fight about it". I feel like I have no say in anything because he doesnt listen to me and does what he wants if I say anything then it is "this is why I go out". "she is just a friend and she will always be a friend". I have watched this for 1 year adn 7months..trying so hard to keep my family together. Keep it as normal as possible for the kids. He also said he has to been seen out and show his face..but I know that he is with her most of the nights that he is out. How do they do that and come home to us and act like everything is normal? I want to scream at the top of my lungs and then I just sit down and cry because I could never imagine hurting someone I love or loved like this. It is like I am nothing to him NOTHING..All I have is memories of the last 17 years. We use to be best friends..did everything together.. He was so proud to have me and now I am replaced by a younger woman who is nothing and he has said she is needy and has no self respect adn  a homewrecker. Then why

You DON'T have any say; this is HIS life; and though he may try, he has NO say in your life...and he gets to find that out later on IF you were to decide you don't want him anymore...and that time may come later on.

Faithful, you are NOT being replaced, and he is NOT doing this to YOU....if you think about it, he is doing it to himself...if he loses everything in this process; and in time, he will see what he's done....he has no one to blame but himself.

They compartmentalize their lives into boxes; and they always hope the twain will never meet, but eventually they do; as everything begins to fall apart like the proverbial house of cards....and things spin completely out of the control..going places they never thought possible.

DON'T take what he's doing personally...let him go, focus on you....since you cannot control him, you can only control yourself....and you need to go forward, leaving him behind.

You don't need negative attention; so stop trying to convince him that what he's doing is wrong...he KNOWS, already.

When you pressure him, you're pursuing him; and it's not gonna work; he will only go deeper into the affair, and run farther away.

For now, to him, you ARE nothing..and you have no meaning to him at all..his feelings are buried deep; they stick him once in a while, but he shoves them back down because he doesn't want to face what he's doing....he continues to justify his actions, because of what you do in the way of pressuring him...that feeds the beast; and you don't want to do that.

The affair has to run its course to whatever end it will come to; and if he decides to go on with the OW, you've lost NOTHING, but a great deal of heartache; as your husband is NOT made of gold, nor is he a means to an end.

So, let him go, focus on you; if your marriage is meant to come back together; he will return to do the work, if not; for every day God closes, He opens another with something better.

LET GO and LET GOD work in the situation; only HE knows what is ahead; no one else does.

It's WRONG what they do; but there's NOTHING that can be done to "wake them up" to their wrongs, they must, in time, see this on their own.

And if they don't or get stuck within the tunnel?  Well, that's on THEM.

[faithful with Love]

Thank you HB,
So can you give me some pionters?
When he says he is going out...I say oh okay..(is that good)
When he comes home he always asks "did you miss me" I say "no" (is that good)
It is like he wants a reaction out of me...

I hear what you are saying and it is all so true... Let Go and Let God.  Trying to detach without anger is a hard one for me.  Here he has this other life and I am standing. He is having fun with another woman and I am home taking care of kids and house. Not fair but such is life.

I have come to see that I am the strong one and the one that is responsible.. Always have been...He loves playing head games I can tell you that...very good at malputation..

[Still]

I am home taking care of kids and house. Not fair but such is life.

Faithful,

You can turn this around and make it a blessing in your life. I can't tell you how much I have learned to treasure my time with my kids. They are amazing, intuitive, fascinating little people that I am blessed to have in my lives. Together, the children and I have created so many memories. We traveled to places we had never gone, I learned to assemble things I never would have, and we planned so many things to do together. I love, love, love my time with my kids. My H is missing out on that and he will need to deal with that at some point.

[trusting]

FWL - I have a live in MCLer.

When he says he is going out...I say oh okay..(is that good)

Good.  Keep it simple.

When he comes home he always asks "did you miss me" I say "no" (is that good)

Good grief - he wants to keep you sucked in.   IDK - my H hasn't asked that since the MLC (though he used to sometimes before).  I think I might not answer or just smile. OR don't answer and change the subject completely with something benign and small talk-y.

[faithful with Love]

Thank you guys,
And yes he loves to tornment me..You would be in aww if you knew everything that he has become and done through out this. But, I know that this monster is not the man that I knew..and maybe I will never get that man back. Something about this is so evil..There are times his eyes are like black coal when he gets mad... 

Maybe I am holding on to the man that I fell in love with and that is not him. I do however know that ow and him made me out to be the evil one. and he let her text me and come to our home once in front of our kids. It was always my fault which now he is not like that. He coming around slowly but I think that he ..... Oh you guys I just dont know.

Its abuse.. emotionally and mentally. I am worn out... tried... and just need peace from it.

[Bewildered]

MelB Or should we rename you 'spice girl'?

to quote you

Reading through some of my spouse's diary that my son had given me (thus peeking into the head of an MLCer), he was trying very hard to recapture his integrity.  Apparently this plagued him deeply (yes, guilt and shame are motivators).  He wrote crap like, "I am a man of my word,"  and "I am faithful to my Significant Other", so that I almost died of laughter (it was more the irony, than outright funny)

I agree re the integrity .. my H is so like this he has told me how amazing a ceo he is, a wonderful provider, a man of his words, so again weird where do they get the scrip from ........

and re your h not having a home?

My H told me he had no home anymore .........wait for for it because I had painted the (my) study and this was a message to him from me as I didn't ask him what colour to paint it?? I said don't you like it he said Yes so I gave my (now well practiced) LBS face of Oh Dear ...etc

this is sheer madness and would make a super sitcom xx

[LoveMeMyself]

Reading the postings here really helps us share very similar things our H's have said and/or done.  It's amazing to me how different people going through this crisis are so similar in their actions/words, etc.  Something here also rang true for me and hits so close to home.  I guess just having something "validated" makes me realize, "oh, my gosh".........it's just the MLC talking!  Anyway, my xH had also stated to me that he never felt like the house was his home.........really?  Well, it was my house before we got married but I had only lived in it for 3 years prior to our marriage and he lived in it with me for 5 years.  I was hurt and shocked that he would say something like that.  We had purchased a lot and had plans for building our 'dream' home........I'm so glad and thankful that we weren't in the middle of doing that when BD hit.  I would have really been devastated.  I had talked to my xH several times over the course of the 5 years about getting his name on the house but he said no point........especially since we were planning to build.  They do tend to say a lot of hurtful things and some stuff is just crazy. 

I agree with it being "evil"........it really seems to be that way.  My xH also made me out to be the bad guy................................... I was made out to be the wicked witch in his texting to OW.  I have copies of two days worth of texting between them.  Most of which still makes me sick to my stomach to this very day if I read it.  I've been seriously thinking about shredding it.........since we are already divorced and I feel no need to hang onto it.......plus, it's just an awful reminder.  Any suggestions regarding this?  Should I or should I not?

[Bewildered]

Hi

i would shred and never look back ........
I dont keep any texts or voice mails jsut e-mails as they contain financial info or such like xx

[LoveMeMyself]

Thanks, B.  I've really been thinking about it because I feel like shredding all the "evidence" will help me move even further forward.  It's like the "elephant" in my bedroom........I know it's there.  I know this is crazy, but I also have a Styrofoam coffee cup with the OW's lipstick on it!!  UGHHHH!!  I'll start the shredding process this weekend!