[Airmid]

I signed the paperwork last week - its not really that big of a deal.
My actual word in my own posting was "anti-climactic"

I think selling the house might be a good thing - you seem to be triggered by memories there.
Why not start looking around at places to live that you might like - see what the real estate market is like in your area?

Personally I think divorce is a transition.
You no longer are married once you are divorced.
It is an adjustment.

My personal suggestion?
Don't be broadcasting that you would take your wife back to people you hardly know.
It serves no purpose at all.

[xyzcf]

Even on THS several of my friends are divorced and they say it's not that big a deal and several others are going through the process and looking forward to having it over with. I'm not there yet. I was looking at photos of our wedding day and my wife was so happy. How did we go from that to this?

I think divorce is a very big deal.

Why do you think you need to negate how you feel about your wife, your marriage and divorce because others accept it as something that is common, the way the world just is now and that we are foolish somehow to remember the love we shared the vows we made.

To negate the reality of the many years together, our family, the love we shared would leave me feeling like those years had no meaning or value. They had 32 years of meaning and were the happiest years of my life.

We can still find peace, contentment and joy, yes and still honor what was the most significant event in our lives. Our marriages and the lives that we shared had value.

This attitude that it is no big deal, really?

Airmid stated:

Don't be broadcasting that you would take your wife back to people you hardly know.
It serves no purpose at all.

Indeed it DOES have tremendous purpose. It shows others that you don't buy into our throw away society. It shows that you are a man of honor and integrity, that you understand that your wife is suffering from something that is beyond her control. It shows that you are committed to your wife, and as long as you love her and desire her to be your wife again then feel free to express this to who ever you wish.

You do not know who you might be saying this to. Perhaps someone whose own marriage is in danger of being destroyed. I have several people in my life who love me because I will not give up on him. By telling others that you would like to reconcile one day, you make it very clear who you are, what you stand for...and you verbally proclaim your obedience to God's will regarding the sacrament of marriage.

Too many times, we shy away from speaking our truth. We are afraid of appearing foolish. You have always stated that you love your wife, that you hope that someday she will return to you and your family. You can be proud of being honest and real and not afraid to look at the world's view that everyone will be "fine" and "happier".....your actions and words speak volumes to those who are being lead astray by a world whose morals and  values are lost.

[Ready2Transform]

I'm with xyzcf on this one. For me, the emotionally gutting part of the divorce hit me like a ton of bricks. I tried to stay all zen and thought my stand would override it, but the resistance just transmuted it into clinical depression. It is absolutely okay and normal to lean into your feelings and let them burn through without having to put on a strong facade for anyone's benefit (even if you think it will help yourself).

Now I am in a bigger place of just wanting a settlement (since it's been three years since my marriage has been declared over!) but I could not have been in that same place three years ago.

Our beliefs make us who we authentically are. I always loved hearing from someone IRL that they gave their marriage a few extra years, even if it still didn't work out. I just wanted to know my gut feelings weren't denial, and their testimony to that helped. I was not the only person who had been through this. And the people who judged me for not running off to divorce ended up dissipating from my life anyway, so it's not like they would have been supportive forces long term. And really, who cares what other people think? Wayne Dyer always said, "be independent of the good opinion of others" as the means to finding self-actualization. I believe that's a pretty good start. Even WE are just people on the internet, so what right do we have to direct your steps? Speak your truth and be you and that in itself is more strength than any method you will ever find.

[SandhillCrane]

Dear MBIB

I have read so many of your postings. It brings tears to hear about so many going through this. I have deep respect for you and your decisions. I do share those thoughts. I hope that you and your family find peace and happiness, no matter what the outcome. And thank you for the services you provide people in need.

My H just filed, after 22 years of marriage. I find divorce even more devastating than BD and I too suffer from PTSD and depression. I felt like maybe I could recover from all that but divorce seems too final. Like a huge rejection on my forehead. It's a big hurdle.

I too have found myself not caring about the house and bills, and unfortunately my health.  My anxiety made me unable to eat. This is probably normal for some going through this crisis. I'm glad to hear you still have your health. My prayers are with you. God bless.

[Onward]

MB, I've never been to court, but empathize with your dread. Sadly, even though I think you were being facetious, I don't think this is one of those things where you can call in sick. Your best interest is to do the thing you believe you cannot do.

Then again - maybe you don't have a court date. Have you opened up those letters from your lawyer? Maybe the date has changed. Maybe there is no date. Maybe....who knows?

SHC, I am so sorry that you are experiencing an unwanted divorce, too.

I don't want to turn this into a complete hi-jack of MB's thread (oops, maybe too late!)  but the whole divorce doesn't matter and expectations of society/others really resonates with me right now.
 
I 'get' Airmid's point, re: telling someone you don't know you'd take your your spouse back is pointless.  But, the woman did ask. So, the truthful answer for MB is 'yes'.
The truthful answer for another may be 'no', and another may be 'don't know'.

I also 'get' xyzcf & R2Ts points.
That's pretty much where I am myself, today, on a day when I am wrestling, once again, between the inner dialogue of "what to do" and "don't have to do anything". ('Don't have to" is winning. At the moment.)

Speaking our truth - especially to our selves, and to others if asked - is crucial. There is nothing that says one must follow the prevailing social norm. Because right now, yes, if my H were interested in reconciling, yes, I would be all in working on restoring our marriage. Yes, I would 'take him back'.

Though it's not really about 'taking him back', is it?
He's still here.
In my heart.
He's never left it.

He's still in my mind.
Every. Day.

I'm still,
in my core,
his wife.

I feel as married as I was the day before BD. More self-aware. More reflective. Certainly not as secure! Certainly not as trusting. And not as blind.

My willingness and desire to chart a new path for our marriage hasn't really wavered. But my conviction that he'd look back has. My confidence that it would only take a little time definitely has.

Like R2T, I have found that some people who encouraged me to move on have begun to really respect my choice. Others think that I'm stuck. Perhaps I am.  I prefer to think of it as 'stuck on' what I believe in.

However, I'm also well aware that it's at the point where, unless people specifically ask,  the only people I can even talk to about it are the folks here.

But if I'm asked if I'd 'take' him back?
You bet. My response would be what it's always been:
Yes.

[LaughLoveLive]

Funny... I got asked the "would you take him back" question just last night. I haven't been asked it for months and months. So I had to rethink my current position.

I answered that I would never ever close that door. That I didn't know what the future held but I was working on not being attached to any particular outcome so who knows? That he would always be a part of my life and the thread still existed between us. I think my friend was quite surprised by my response - she has seen me work hard to accept what has happened and find my inner strength. So, while she knew divorce had been a BIG deal for me, she thought I was all AOK with it all by now. Which to a certain extent I am but it doesn't mean any doors are closed.

Regarding telling people of your stand... Well I'm glad you told that woman! I admit that while I revealed my "no closed doors" policy to a very close friend last night,  I wouldn't reveal it to very many people at all. That's me being cowardly - I don't want to have to deal with others response. Others just seem to accept /expect we Should just move on without a beat. Impossible! There has been such huge upheaval! Meaning there was huge love! But I don't want to spend my energy justifying my own personal belief in the face of the differing opinion of others so I just hold my belief quietly within me.

I have been conscious lately of the difference we can make in others lives, just by living our own life. My father recently gave a eulogy at the funeral of a lady who lived with his family as a young woman during WW2. This girl came from a very violent home situation so didn't understand what a family could be like or that a marriage could involve love and so she had decided that she would never marry or a have a family herself. Apparently this all changed when she lived with my grandparents and their family and saw how a family and a marriage could be, when it was based on love. Without even realising they were doing anything special, just by living their lives, they changed her life. She married, adopted 2children, raised her niece also, and worked for many years managing the volunteer aides at a large mental health hospital. What a lovely life she ended up leading, what a ripple effect of her good life, what a difference can be made by just being ourself and living life true to our own values - like my grandparents obviously did.

So go ahead MBIB and live your life according to your own beliefs of what is important - like loving your wife, and telling people about it. You can't know what the ripple effect will be.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

You do not know who you might be saying this to. Perhaps someone whose own marriage is in danger of being destroyed. I have several people in my life who love me because I will not give up on him. By telling others that you would like to reconcile one day, you make it very clear who you are, what you stand for...and you verbally proclaim your obedience to God's will regarding the sacrament of marriage.

Thank you. I didn't realize it but this is what I needed to hear today.

I'm with xyzcf on this one. For me, the emotionally gutting part of the divorce hit me like a ton of bricks. I tried to stay all zen and thought my stand would override it, but the resistance just transmuted it into clinical depression. It is absolutely okay and normal to lean into your feelings and let them burn through without having to put on a strong facade for anyone's benefit (even if you think it will help yourself).

And thank you, too, for your honesty and openness.

I have read so many of your postings. It brings tears to hear about so many going through this. I have deep respect for you and your decisions. I do share those thoughts. I hope that you and your family find peace and happiness, no matter what the outcome. And thank you for the services you provide people in need.

And thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry you're going through this too and I hope you're able to find some peace. Try to take care of yourself. You're important and you have to believe this isn't really a rejection of you. But I know that it feels that way.

I find divorce even more devastating than BD and I too suffer from PTSD and depression. I felt like maybe I could recover from all that but divorce seems too final. Like a huge rejection on my forehead. It's a big hurdle.

Me too.

I don't want to turn this into a complete hi-jack of MB's thread (oops, maybe too late!)  but the whole divorce doesn't matter and expectations of society/others really resonates with me right now.
 

This wouldn't be a hijack. Our society has an easy fix mentality and it affects all of us.

I 'get' Airmid's point, re: telling someone you don't know you'd take your your spouse back is pointless.  But, the woman did ask. So, the truthful answer for MB is 'yes'.
The truthful answer for another may be 'no', and another may be 'don't know'.

You're right. What was I supposed to do, lie to her? After I told the woman yes I added that I meant my vows when I spoke them and I said for better or worse and that I guessed that this is the "worse" part.

Though it's not really about 'taking him back', is it?
He's still here.
In my heart.
He's never left it.

He's still in my mind.
Every. Day.

I'm still,
in my core,
his wife.

I feel as married as I was the day before BD. More self-aware. More reflective. Certainly not as secure! Certainly not as trusting. And not as blind.

This is very powerful. I don't think I'll ever call my wife my ex because I don't think I'll ever consider us as anything other than husband and wife.

Today's been a pretty good day. I've been out with the ambulance three times so far. I've decided one of the reasons I like going on ambulance calls is because I become totally focused on the call and on the patient when we're out there and MLC is no longer sitting there in the back of my mind like it usually is.

The only bad thing today is that it seems five gallons of fuel wasn't enough so I'm off to buy some more so I can get the furnace turned back on. It would be a lot easier if it would just warm up.

I think my friend was quite surprised by my response - she has seen me work hard to accept what has happened and find my inner strength. So, while she knew divorce had been a BIG deal for me, she thought I was all AOK with it all by now. Which to a certain extent I am but it doesn't mean any doors are closed.

The woman last night asked me if I was ok with the divorce. That's what led to her asking whether I would take my wife back. She seemed shocked when I told her no, I wasn't ok with it. In fact she followed up by asking "You're not ok with the divorce?" as though she couldn't understand why I wouldn't be ok with it considering what my wife has done.

So go ahead MBIB and live your life according to your own beliefs of what is important - like loving your wife, and telling people about it. You can't know what the ripple effect will be.

Thanks LLL. People may think I'm foolish for my stand but I've never been too concerned about what others think about me. After all, I'm 57 yo, I run marathons, and my hair is almost down to my shoulders now. If someone wants to judge me, they have lots of reasons. Yet, people still seem to like me. Hard to believe, isn't it?

[UKStander]

This a very moving discussion that goes right to the heart what integrity means, and it makes me reflect on how long and tough we should, and do, hang in there for our beliefs. I think the longer the standing time (ie holding out for the marriage) the tougher it gets - up to a certain point - and then it becomes easier. Fewer people ask me any longer. I used to dread the question. Now I'm ready for it. Bring 'em on. Pity more people don't ask, actually! We get better at stating our point of view in fewer words, and the words come out with more conviction, so there's rarely any come back. At this point, I feel that I could probably stand forever - were money no object, and my home secure. I think I'm capable now of keeping the door open to the future whilst still not giving up on my H. I've got used to standing, I guess. And it fits me. There's something in my past and in my very character which says you don't let someone down just because they're sick, and you don't give up on someone you love, however hateful they're being, IF that hatefulness is caused by 'sickness' or they're too young or whatever, to know better. I wouldn't want H back as he is, but I've read enough to know that growth through mlc is possible - where there's a will there's a way. I can kind of see him, in my mind's eye, weeping in my arms and the two of us talking and agreeing that we'll do whatever it takes. I think he would say that, were he ever to wake up. He's been a climber, a fighter. He used to have determination - maybe it's still buried in there somewhere. But I digress...

I agree with xy that divorce is HUGE, in terms of the failure it represents. Two grown up people who couldn't stick by their commitment and work at it?  In marriages that were mostly very, very good, all things considered? That just sucks, big time. Marriage is the best chance most of us have for real, authentic personal growth. On the other hand, perhaps within the context of MLC divorce is not such a big thing because MLC trumps divorce, as we've been told. The relationship may yet be restored, way down the line when the adulterous r'ship falls apart. So, for me, D is everything, and yet possibly also just a transition I might have to go through on this rocky journey. Because I simply can't afford to 'stand' any longer.    But even divorced, that door to H may still be ajar.

Brain, I'm so sorry about the court hearing. Somehow I've not kept up with your story, so I don't know how you've got from unopened envelopes in 2014 to a court hearing. But still, it's true that anything, or nothing, could yet happen. I will be hoping and praying that your troubled, mixed up (in head) W will realise she's in fog and that it's wiser to do nothing, for now, than lose you forever. I'm sending you BIG doses of strength from over here. I hope they reach you.

Know just what you mean about the bills and the practical house maintenance things that need doing. For some weird reason these are still uphill for me. I procrastinate all the time. I used to be a really organised, get-things-done kind of person. Not any longer. There's a little grain of pointlessness in maintaining a home when you don't know if you'll be able to keep it and when hardly anyone else but you needs it any more.

[UKStander]

Though it's not really about 'taking him back', is it?
He's still here.
In my heart.
He's never left it.

He's still in my mind.
Every. Day.

I'm still,
in my core,
his wife.

Yes. Exactly.

[hawk]

What a great date to take B. But if they invited all the dignitaries, l can't work out why Chookster and me didn't get an invo, weird. 

So weird!  Maybe not everyone thinks of a Chook and a Hawk as dignitaries, H! Pffftt!

  , it's a cruel world isn't it chook.