[Reallytrying]

Brain - do you have any theories as to why she might want things to stay the same? I've got 2 thoughts - 1 might be that unconsciously she hopes to return to it all some day.  The other is that she feels some guilt for blowing up your life and doesn't want to be responsible for you losing stuff you held dear.  You know I think the "we" matters  but if the house no longer makes you happy then it may be something to consider. Can you rent it out so its not totally gone while you decide what you want to do with it?

I am glad you guys talked. In the end - how ever this turns out - being able to communicate with her will make life easier since you do still share family.

I'm so glad you had a pleasant weekend. That fact about the kids compensating is super scary as a parent but it does explain why things can take a turn for the worst so fast with kids.  It makes me sad to see how surprised you are that people enjoy spending time with you - it's apparent to me tat you are a funny, caring man. What's not to enjoy?

[hawk]

Thanks Chook, rt and b for that nice of you to say,
And l agree with rt to and don't know why that would surprise you b but we take a kicking in all this and l know l felt no confidence in that sort of thing either earlier, maybe it's something like that.
Sadly , personally l agree with the others and the all just where she left it thing, .
l'm sorry there's no change in her direction it really surprised me tbh, but sadly now she's just reminding me of my w, l think they all read the same manual .

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Brain - do you have any theories as to why she might want things to stay the same? I've got 2 thoughts - 1 might be that unconsciously she hopes to return to it all some day.  The other is that she feels some guilt for blowing up your life and doesn't want to be responsible for you losing stuff you held dear. 

I hope for the first option and fear that it's more likely that it's the second.

It makes me sad to see how surprised you are that people enjoy spending time with you - it's apparent to me tat you are a funny, caring man. What's not to enjoy?

I had lots of friends when I was young (a long time ago) but only a few close friends and over the years they've moved away so my wife and family, especially my wife, became my whole social life. And while people have always liked me, they weren't really close to me, but people have always loved my wife and gravitated to her. I think maybe because of the PTSD for a long time I've kept people at a distance emotionally. My wife and granddaughter and to a lesser extent my daughters were the only ones I let get close to me. Now I'm paying for that.

The final speaker at the conference talked about the characteristics of EMS personnel. He stated that 90% of the population becomes very uncomfortable when something happens that causes a fight or flight response but that EMS personnel fall into the 10% of the population who are adrenaline junkies. I can't disagree with that but it's funny because 2 years ago I was part of the 90%. I was a boring, slightly neurotic 55 year old, very careful and conservative, rarely even exceeding the speed limit and always wearing my seat belt. Now I walk around in the back of an ambulance that's speeding down the highway, at times going as fast as 90-100 mph, and don't even think about it. And I've gone back to wondering who am I and why am I here?

It's funny because I was a wild child when I was young. I didn't expect to live to see 30 and had good reason to feel that way. I totaled my first car when I was 18 years old. Then I met my wife and I really settled down. I scaled back the partying, quit riding motorcycles, quit driving fast cars and road racing, and slowly became more and more neurotic. I started enjoying life and started to fear death. I really loved my life with my wife and family. Now I'm back to being fearless. I seem to have found a cure for neuroticism. Maybe I should write a paper.

Something I've noticed that may be strange. I've read other LBSes posting about not being able to remember their marriages and their life with the MLCer because everything that happened after BD had replaced the older memories. I can't seem to remember much that's happened since BD but it seems like I can remember every detail of our marriage and reminders are everywhere.

Time to get cleaned up and get out of here. I'm taking the Mustang out on the track for a few laps this afternoon at Watkins Glen International Raceway then I'm going to drive on up to the city.

[Thunder]

MB,

From everything you have said I think you did the right thing talking to your W.
The conversation seems to have went well.  No anger towards you.  Plus she does seem to care that you are not getting screwed in the settlement.

Right now that is a big plus.  So many divorces go very badly.  One trying to up the other and it creates resentment.
If you two can remain communicating this way I see a much better chance of a reconcilement down the road.

[UKStander]

It's funny because I was a wild child when I was young. I didn't expect to live to see 30 and had good reason to feel that way. I totaled my first car when I was 18 years old. Then I met my wife and I really settled down. I scaled back the partying, quit riding motorcycles, quit driving fast cars and road racing, and slowly became more and more neurotic. I started enjoying life and started to fear death. I really loved my life with my wife and family. Now I'm back to being fearless. I seem to have found a cure for neuroticism. Maybe I should write a paper.

Interesting track record!  I have no theories about it, but it's interesting. I envy you your life doing the medical emergenices things. Sounds like you have great team-mates and it is crucial work that must bring a real sense of achievement.

I'm glad the day in court went OK and that your wife is not cleaning you out.  Who knows what she wants? And they do say some have to lose everything before they wake up. 

I just don't know any more, Brain. I'm baffled by the whole thing.

Be great if you could keep the house.

[1trouble]

Something I've noticed that may be strange. I've read other LBSes posting about not being able to remember their marriages and their life with the MLCer because everything that happened after BD had replaced the older memories. I can't seem to remember much that's happened since BD but it seems like I can remember every detail of our marriage and reminders are everywhere.

I know I am only a year into all of this but I remember everything about my marriage and the slightest thing can cause me to be quite weepy, out of nowhere.

I really miss him like he left for work this morning 

[Mitzpah]

Something I've noticed that may be strange. I've read other LBSes posting about not being able to remember their marriages and their life with the MLCer because everything that happened after BD had replaced the older memories. I can't seem to remember much that's happened since BD but it seems like I can remember every detail of our marriage and reminders are everywhere.

I know I am only a year into all of this but I remember everything about my marriage and the slightest thing can cause me to be quite weepy, out of nowhere.

I really miss him like he left for work this morning

I am five years four months into this and I can testify - these last five years have been difficult and full of "toil and tears", yet I normally do not dwell on the negative and the good times of my married years, by far, surpass the acknowledgement that the past few years have been rather sad... Maybe I am just a "Pollyanna" The memories don't really make me cry any more, they make me smile fondly, laugh outright sometimes!

And yes, it often seems like he left yesterday    maybe that is just me

[Thunder]

I must be the odd man out here.

Not that I don't remember a lot of happy times in our marriage, I do, but I seem to think more about the happy times we spend together now....or even by myself, if that makes any sense.

I'll never forget the feelings after bd.  It was a terrible, confusing, painful time in my life but somehow I feel it happened for a reason.
I don't know about my X but I feel I have changed for the better.  I am more confident than I was before.  I guess I'm happier with myself, in general.  Much more than I was 5 years ago.
Maybe that would never have happened if he hadn't had his crisis.

[Mitzpah]

Maybe it seems that I am not able to feel happy now - that is not true, I have many moments of joy too! I really think that the best is yet to come. Maybe that is the advantage of having reached the pits of despair way back in the beginning of all this. I actively choose to think of the good times, I am an irrepressible half full personality and like you Thunder, that boosts my confidence, which took an enormous beating at BD.


It is a beautiful sunny day here in Brazil

[SierraStar]

Hi Brain,

Just joining, I've got a lot of reading to catch up with, so far I'm very saddened for you, your children & grandchildren.