[Anjae]

Congratulations on the race, Brain. 

[HopeFaithLove]

Congratulations on the race! That is just awesome! When my brother got a divorce his lawyer and her lawyer were constantly cancelling and rescheduling for later dates. It took my brother 4 yrs to get divorced and he wanted one. Of couse they couldn't agree on anything and they had kids so that was part of the problem.  Can't your lawyer do that a couple times B. Maybe a mysterious illness or a personal emergency or two? Then maybe you could be unavailable because they are desperately in need of an EMT that day.  I know you can't drag it on forever, but maybe a few times will buy you a couple months.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I don't get how friendly your W is being given the D. Doesn't make sense. Anyone about to inflict a D on someone would not normally be normal.  Just not possible. Guilt and human kindness sort of prevent it. Could you do it? I couldn't... So what is she up to?  Compartmentalising like crazy, maybe. 

This is what's driving me crazy. She still enjoys talking with me. She trusts me. She respects me. She's concerned about me. She's still interested in my races. She doesn't want anything about our house or my life to change. She just doesn't want to be with me or to be married to me.

It makes me think that if I were smarter I could figure out a way to turn this around.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

And even in the darkness, even in the questions
Even when the hardest times of life are at hand
Yeah, even in the darkness, even in the questions
Even in the times that I'm not meant to understand

Oh, I will trust, I will trust You
I will trust You, Lord, with all my heart
Oh, I will trust, I will trust You
I will trust You, Lord, with all my heart
And I won't forget how good You are
No, I won't forget how good You are

Trust
Matt Hammitt
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maRMivc5vB4

I just heard this song for the first time tonight and I have a question. Where does this trust come from?

[hawk]

l know exactly what you mean. l'm sure that given the right buttons l could've too and l often still think that as late as just last wk.
l've pressed all of them , but l know there's more.

[Mitzpah]

I just heard this song for the first time tonight and I have a question. Where does this trust come from?

This trust comes from experience, in my opinion. It comes from recognizing that the Lord is sovereign.

Proverbs 3:5-6New International Version (NIV)

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]

With "all" your heart and "lean not on your own understanding"!

When you look back on your life (I have 54 years to look back on) you can see where the Lord has helped you, provided for you, turned bad things to good, also you can see the 'bad' things that have been allowed in your life - there have been plenty in my life! This is why I trust with all my heart even when I don't understand. I consider the fact that if I am still here, it is due to His mercies which are new every morning!.

I am sorry if I answered more than you bargained for

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I am sorry if I answered more than you bargained for

I wouldn't ask questions if I were unwilling to hear all of the answers. 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

The hospital GS11 is in is an hour's drive from where I live. Monday evening D32 asked me if I would drive her there on Tuesday for a family meeting with his counselor so I didn't go to work yesterday. The appointment wasn't until 1:30pm so I decided to go for a short run yesterday morning. I start my runs at D32's house in town. While driving there I decided to stop at the dentist's office to see if I could schedule an appointment for him to look at my teeth.

The receptionist told me to go on back, he'd see me right away. I have a dental bridge spanning the lower three molars on the left side, the side that was bothering me. After taking an xray my dentist told me that the rear of the bridge was loose because the underlying tooth was coming apart. An hour later he had turned a $3000 bridge into a $1000 crown by cutting off and removing the back two thirds. Then he pulled the rear anchor tooth, my rearmost molar. I never did get my run in yesterday.

We had a good visit with GS11 at the hospital. His counselor said they're working with him and he is doing well. We visited with him after the meeting and he said he doesn't really like it there but that he knows he isn't ready to return home.

Last night GD14 went with me to the fire hall. She wants to become a junior firefighter. It was equipment night so all that we did was go through the trucks, inventory all of the equipment to make sure nothing was missing, and check to make sure everything worked properly. It's kind of boring but GD14 enjoyed it. She got to sit in the pumper and climb around on the back of it. The boy who had been bothering her was there but he was smart and kept his distance. She wasn't bothered by his presence like I was afraid she might be. I guess she felt safe. She spent most of the night with me and her 6'5" cousin.

This morning my jaw is sore but that's just physical pain so I know it will eventually go away. On the way to the hospital yesterday D32 told me that my wife drove GD14 to the hospital yesterday afternoon to see GS11. I asked her if they went after my wife got done at work and she said no, her mother had taken another day off and she added that she thinks my wife is ready to quit her job. If she can hold on until the end of next January she'll be 55 and she'll be old enough to retire although it would be at her pension would be much less than if she waits until she's 62.

I'm tired this morning. This life is exhausting. DDay minus 50 days.

[Rollercoasterider]

MyBrainIsBroken,

This is a comment to a post on another thread, but I feel it is better put on your own story thread.

While you [RainbowGal] were bearing witness, did you happen to notice Stayed and one or two others directing personal attacks at my family on my thread? Attacking my daughter and granddaughter who they have never met? Did you notice me closing the thread to put an end to the attacks? Did you notice Stayed abusing her power as a moderator by reopening my closed thread so that she could attack my family again? But I'm the who who gets publicly chastised?

Are you referring to the incident from 3 months ago?
Not all moderators are so attentive that they notice when a thread is locked and since we have posting abilities on locked threads...well we make mistakes. You don’t have to believe that Stayed did not realize the thread was locked and that's fine; I believe she didn't realize it. As for her comment being an attack. [SIGH] It certainly pulled no punches. I have said that a person can be attacking and yet not intending to attack. But I don’t think her post was an attack; I think it was said in a hmmm, harsh or tough way, whereas I or someone else may have tried to say the same thing or message with a softer approach and maybe her message did not come through. I've looked back at the incident and read the excerpt—though maybe what I read was only a part, so I might not have it all. (I also read it 3 months ago, but needed a refresher now) I think I can see how her message may not have come through because even I have to guess at it. As I said she pulled no punches in being tough about how she spoke, but I guess she may not have been direct in what her words meant. I have an idea what she may have meant, but I may be wrong.

Without quoting I will attempt to say what she said. She said that your daughter is a case of learned helplessness. Now understand that all most of us here have to go on is what you have posted and given what you have posted and given that I think she makes an excellent point. Take the sting out of it and just read the message...P-L-E-A-S-E. Maybe that comment alone was not what was so upsetting though. She then poor babied you. Poor you, poor wife, poor daughter...
I did the poor baby thing to Chuck once during his MLC—and it was deliberate at that time. I said something like Oh poor baby doesn't like it when I call him on his $h!te. I said it in a sing-song baby voice, so yeah it was a tease and I was not trying to be nice; in that circumstance it was a Truth Dart and it was not one he was meant to like. It was meant to shock him a bit and it did. But with him it was one of those things where he said stop treating him like a baby and I said he made a good point, but it would be a lot easier if he stopped acting like one...and for him that jolted him and he acknowledged my point.

So for you, why was Stayed doing/saying that to you in that way? I got the opportunity to explain my words to Chuck. What was Stayed's message, maybe that is what you lost? I got it I think and so did a lot of us and I think I told her at the time it wasn't working with you, even though that sort of thing works quite effectively with others.

So why not with you? Okay, more guessing here...
When a person is in denial, they are not going to see the part between the lines and I think you are in denial.
You are an enabler (and likely codependent, as I think they go together). This is also what LawProfessor was saying to you back then. You daughter is a case of learned Helplessness because you enable her—because you rescue her and take care of her and make sure she has a soft place to fall. Hey, we get wanting a soft place to fall for those we love, but there also comes a time when the person needs to learn to solve their own problems and that involves a big risk because they might fail and you are really worried not just about what might happen to your daughter, but what of her children—it's not their fault if she messes up, right? Why should they suffer for that?
The poor babying also is a message about being a victim and sometimes a martyr. You seem to wallow a lot. You have been feeling sorry for yourself and it is important to be needed and you daughter is needy for you; maybe you feel you have a purpose.

Well, you have a bigger purpose than taking care of and rescuing others. What you are doing is crippling her. What would happen to her if you were suddenly not there to rescue her—like if a bus suddenly ran you down and RIP MyBrainIsBroken. My Mom's goal as a parent was to raise a healthy well-adjusted adult. She came to that in a class she was taking and she either finalized it there or later while teaching pre-school. It's good, but I think I've revised it to show some of the things that must be a part of that. In addition to my mother's original goal, my goal is to raise independent and fully-functioning adults—those are natural byproducts of her goal. Sometimes I say independent-minded to include a scenario of physical dependency.

Is your daughter an independent, well-adjusted and fully functioning adult? And if she is not, why? What can be done now to get her to that place? What can be done to get your children there? Are you helping or hindering? Sometimes helping hinders, are you doing that instead?
I'm not trying to imply you are or are not with my questions; I'm giving you questions to ask for yourself.

You are an enigma to me in many ways. You seem as though you care a lot and in that you seem a sweet and kind man. But then you also seem like you are a codependent enabler who is stuck in victim-mode and who lashes out when you feel threatened—perhaps when someone says something that shows you a mirror. Being kind and being a victim are not mutually exclusive, but I usually sense one or the other.
You are also pretty darned amazing...I mean seriously, you run marathons! What that says to me is that you can be mentally strong because in some areas of your life you are. Now take the skills and attitude you use there and apply them to the other areas of your life. Maybe that is why you can be frustrating—we know you can do what you are not doing.

[Onward]

This is quite possibly the most disappointing thing I have ever read in my entire time at Hero Spouse.

I have no doubt that what I have to say will be dismissed as some kind of allegiance to MB. It isn’t.  I would do this on any thread, of anyone, who was treated in this fashion.

I also anticipate, based on previous experience, my questions may be perceived as a form of defiance rather than genuine inquiry.  If that is that case, it will be a sad reflection of the maturity of this community, and commentary on the ability to practice “agape” love.

RCR, please help me understand a few things.

On April 17, you said this on H!383’s thread. I would use the quote, but the quote function is disabled;

“I am ashamed and disappointed at the behaviour of a few here on this thread. If you are not now aware of who you are, you will be by the end of my post.”


I often feel the same way. Under what parameters can members of HS also feel free to express such disappointment? And identify who has disappointed them?

In the same post, still with the quote function disabled, you said this:

“These posts from Onward and Xyzcf have me shaking my head and I am so sorry, I feel like banging my head against a wall and maybe even screaming a little.

Do you not get it? This is HL383's story thread—his place for journaling not merely his story, but his confusions, his emotions and his place of jotting down his ideas and questions in order to sort through them and figure things out.”

RCR, this is MBIBs story thread. It is his place for journaling not merely his story, but his confusions, his emotions and his place of jotting down his ideas and questions in order to sort through them and figure things out.

Why is it that you are not also shaking your head and so sorry and banging your head against a wall and maybe even screaming just a little at those folks who would label him an enabler for supporting his daughter and her family after the daughter’s husband committed suicide and she required help?

And on the same unquotable thread:

“Were he a moderator offering advice to others, yes his comments might undermine hope. But he is not a moderator, he is a lost LBS.”

It is worth remembering MBIB is a lost LBS, too.

On a different note, if this is true:

I've looked back at the incident and read the excerpt—though maybe what I read was only a part, so I might not have it all. (I also read it 3 months ago, but needed a refresher now) I think I can see how her message may not have come through because even I have to guess at it. As I said she pulled no punches in being tough about how she spoke, but I guess she may not have been direct in what her words meant. I have an idea what she may have meant, but I may be wrong.

Then may I kindly suggest you may not have the full picture. In a private message a while ago (which I will honour by keeping private) you did indicate that you read more of the moderator board than the forum, so it is entirely understandable if you may not have the full context, tone and history of many conversations.

It is disappointing that one would ‘diagnose’ any particular member of HS, as that is not the purpose of this forum (at least not as I understand it). There are plenty of labels one could apply to members of this board, including me, and it is unkind, and dismissive and can contribute to an environment where people may feel decidedly unsafe.

Not to mention most members here are not trained therapists, and among those who are, diagnosing would be unethical.

And finally:

Maybe that is why you can be frustrating—we know you can do what you are not doing.

Who is “we”?
And why does "we" feel the need to control what MB does or does not do?