[Rollercoasterider]

I have been writing for hours. I have 5-6 blog posts on the episode! I'll post one a day starting today. First I'll adres a few other things here and then go get the blog ready. Stop over there for more discussion--I'm asking lots of questions.

I think Tony probably is in MLC.  I am not so convinced about the woman who had the A.

Funny, if I had to pick only one as an MLCer I'd say it was her hands down. Sure he also had the signs, but I felt hers was more severe. Tony may be in a crisis, or hje may be in a transition. Non-crisis level midlife transitions can lead to the end of marriages too. I'm not saying he is or is nto at crisis level, just that it seems more clear with Elaine.

A few of you thought differently though. Could her crisis signs have diminished since she's been in a few years and thus it is not as clear looking at her now?

"Children would rather you divorce and come from a broken home than grow up in home that is broken."

I am sure there is plenty of research saying the opposite, that parents divorcing has huge emotional and psychological implications for children. If you ask any child none of them would 'prefer' their parents to divorce 

Agreed. I think this is a topic that deserves it's own post. I have not started writing it yet, but I created a document with the title so that it is separate from my posts for the MLC series of Dr. Phil.

But anyone could recognize that in a normal breakup you don't continue a sexual relationship with your wife.
You break up and move on.

Not true. What is normal anyway? It is very common--very--for break-ups to be ragged and back-and-forth. The clean goodbye without looking back is probably more rare--at least for long-term relationships and marriages.

If we're going to judge someone, let's judge people like Leann Rhimes and Eddie Cibrian who are the "happy couples" after PUBLICLY breaking up their respective marriages to be with one another... and let's don't forget Alicia Keys who PUBLICLY got pregnant with her married boyfriend at the same time as his OTHER girlfriend, but I guess she won the cheating Bas**** cuz they got married in a big ole People Magazine wedding this year.... after he divorced his wife and mother of his legitimate children....

I try not to be judgemental, but if you want to GO there, let's GO there... Dr. Phil is a lightweight.

Perhaps, but Dr. Phil respects people. Those adulterers are real people. Sweethearts alienator may have been a fantasy to him, but she was a flesh and blood person picked in alcohol with a wrinkled smoker's complexion. So much for fantasy. Alicia Keyes may be a mate predator, but she's amate predator with feelings. Dr. Phil would be inappropriate to bring people on his show to bash them, judge them and dismiss their side of the story. And it would be inapproriate of him to use media examples without allowing those people to be there to tell their side. That's why he seems lightweight. He has to balance validating and respecting with the sins so that he does not judge but shows respect. It's not easy, but it's professional. Sure, we want him to yell at them.And maybe that would work with an MLCer who initiated the contact with the show to get help with returning and healing, such a person should then know Dr. Phil will pull no punches and having initiated the contact would show they are ready or willing to be ready to hear the hard stuff.

Dr. Phil wants to help the MLCer and he knows that alienating him or her will close them off rather than help them to open up and be comfortable. A counselor has to balance the approach so that the client returns and is yet still challenged. Each client is different in their readiness and thus the counselor has to be able to adjust for each individual.

I didn't see the show - but my own therapist consistently used that line with me: 'why would you want to be married to someone who doesn't love you, or who treats you like that?'

That is a common and appropriate question when asked neutrally. It can the counselor know what you want ot where you are coming from. When asked with an implication that you shouldn't want it, that is inappropriate. But sometimes Standers are so sensitive to others disagreeing with their Stand that they interpret the question as having a you shouldn't implication. Dr. Phil is asking the question because that is the question the viewers are asking.

The tough part for me in the first relationship was that they had only been married a fairly short time and didn't have a long history together like most of us do.

I address this in one of the blog posts--I think it is in the 2nd one I will post--so tomorrow. It was a pretty serious flaw to me.

[LettingGo]

Just to clarify my position on judgement, I wasn't meaning I thought Dr. Phil should judge people's behavior, although he often does.... I was just venting, as I often do.

Although judging others doesn't serve any useful purpose, judging tabloid fodder is a GUILTY pleasure that I sometimes indulge in.

My husband says he HATES judgemental people, yet he has always been the MOST judgemental person I know.. I have pointed out to him, that in my opinion, judgement of character is what keeps you from inviting obvious trouble into your life. It's not about condemnation, but about COMMON SENSE.... another favorite saying of his has always been "well, common sense will tell you...." yet he has LOST his own common sense and has NEVER chosen to use good judgement when it comes to the people he surrounds himself with... which brings us to the question "what does that say about me?" and question number two "why would I want to be married to someone who doesn't want me?"

The second question I can answer easily.... because he DOES want me. He only thought he didn't want me for a very few months and because DIVORCE has REAL, SERIOUS and NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. The REAL question is, "why be with someone who treats you so poorly?" and the answer is "because he is sick."

The problem with MLC is NO ONE believes it is a temporary mental disorder.... people just believe that you must have married a jerk who kept it hidden for 20 or so years!

For example, my best friend (who's been in therapy for 20 years) was going on about Eva Longoria and about how she talked about her breakup with Tony Parker with such grace.... but the thing she focused on the most (which I felt was a message to me, perhaps) was the statement that she cared more about HERSELF than about a man - in other words, Eva wasn't going to be a doormat and "let him" treat her badly. I GET that.... but she's already dating.... the divorce was final in February.... her life, for sure and I'm not EVEN judging. I'm just pointing out that people seem to believe the "healthy" way to deal with infidelity is immediate divorce and "move on" to someone else...."living your life". By the way, this is Eva's second divorce, and she's claiming she still loves Tony and they talk all of the time.

So why should ANYONE get married anymore? WHy not just everyone date whomever they want whenever and change partners like musical chairs and we can just all be friends and the kids will be just fine...

[OldPilot]

If anyone is interested in the message board for Dr. Phils MLC show here is the link.

http://community.drphil.com/boards/?EntryID=22910&SubCategoryID=83&Page=1

They are having some heated ideas about MLC, lots of people feel it is an excuse.....

Not sure I agree, they really need to educate themselves about MLC, IMHO.

[Rollercoasterider]

I just posted the blog. Hopefully the email send-off will work this time. It didn't yesterday and I don't know why.   So I added yesterdays blog post to the end of the email.

But please stop by and post stuff there too--that way we can encourage people who don't visit or post here on the forum to participate!

Oh and you guys might not agree with me, so that could be fun...okay, fun for some. I like it when we have differing opinions, but I could just be evil that way.
Oh good, it looks like the email just popped into my inbox. I hope it formatted right this time.   I'm still learning the system. Oh, it did! But that type is small--do you think I should up it from 12 point to 14 or something?

And as a close...(I'm writing this paragraph last) I'm not feeling well today. I had trouble sleeping, so I'm now going to have some Chamomile--tea, but I will let Chamomile the lovely siamese lady join me--and then go back to bed. I got up at 4:00 am, so I've done quite a bit.

For those waiting coaching...I'll start this afternoon--there are a few of you though, so only one at a time. DUH.
 

Just to clarify my position on judgement, I wasn't meaning I thought Dr. Phil should judge people's behavior, although he often does.... I was just venting, as I often do.

Although judging others doesn't serve any useful purpose, judging tabloid fodder is a GUILTY pleasure that I sometimes indulge in.

Oh, I know! My mate predator of judgment is Angelina--she stole Brad a few weeks before my Bomb Drop, so that's a sensitive one for me and I'm just fried that they are still together.   I try not to use certain words here...but trust me those words are in my thoughts when it comes to her. And I feel bad too, I mean she does a lot of good. And then that makes me mad too. How dare she combine good and bad! How dare she be so real, so human. She's supposed to be some plastic big-lipped barbie.
Seriously, I don't look at the alienator from  my own situation with as much    as I do Angelina. Probably because I think the alienator really has Borderline Personality Disorder and thus she  is broken, whereas Angelian seems like a strong and smart woman who should know better, but made it's okay because it's meant to be excuses. Isn't there a little barf icon to go with that...guess not.
 

If anyone is interested in the message board for Dr. Phils MLC show here is the link.

http://community.drphil.com/boards/?EntryID=22910&SubCategoryID=83&Page=1

They are having some heated ideas about MLC, lots of people feel it is an excuse.....

Not sure I agree, they really need to educate themselves about MLC, IMHO.

I registered and posted, but it has not come through yet. Maybe it won't. But that was last night. I didn't put a link to my site because that might be against rules, but I posted and referenced The Hero's Spouse by title.
but the method of posting confused me and just reading it is confusing. It's in reverse order and you can reply directly, but ro view direct replies do I need to expan the view...ugh. I don't get it; hard to follow the structure.

[trusting]

   
If anyone is interested in the message board for Dr. Phils MLC show here is the link.

http://community.drphil.com/boards/?EntryID=22910&SubCategoryID=83&Page=1

They are having some heated ideas about MLC, lots of people feel it is an excuse.....

Not sure I agree, they really need to educate themselves about MLC, IMHO.

I started to read the comments but got so annoyed I stopped. 

[LifeGoesOn]

If anyone is interested in the message board for Dr. Phils MLC show here is the link.

http://community.drphil.com/boards/?EntryID=22910&SubCategoryID=83&Page=1

They are having some heated ideas about MLC, lots of people feel it is an excuse.....

Not sure I agree, they really need to educate themselves about MLC, IMHO.

I had to stop reading it. I became to frustrated and disappointed in the lack of compassion and the extreme selfishness that exists in many of the posters.

It amazes me that folks think that my stand is a sign of my weakness. It exhausts me more than my MLCer. My question back at them is "why would it make them feel better if I responded with anger, resentment and bitterness?"

My mate predator of judgment is Angelina--she stole Brad a few weeks before my Bomb Drop, so that's a sensitive one for me and I'm just fried that they are still together.   I try not to use certain words here...but trust me those words are in my thoughts when it comes to her. And I feel bad too, I mean she does a lot of good. And then that makes me mad too. How dare she combine good and bad! How dare she be so real, so human. She's supposed to be some plastic big-lipped barbie.

Is it real? Everything they do seems planned for effect, they are still putting on a show. Whenever there is rumor of a problem, the 'show' comes on stronger. I think they are still caught up in proving their "love is real", and they are 'good and perfect' people.

[trusting]

Is it real? Everything they do seems planned for effect, they are still putting on a show. Whenever there is rumor of a problem, the 'show' comes on stronger. I think they are still caught up in proving their "love is real", and they are 'good and perfect' people.

They are schmoopies!

It amazes me that folks think that my stand is a sign of my weakness. It exhausts me more than my MLCer. My question back at them is "why would it make them feel better if I responded with anger, resentment and bitterness?"

I do think people see standing a sign of weakness, like we don't have the strength or self worth to walk away.  I have found it to be the complete opposite - it takes more strength to stand than we ever thought we had.  The people I have met who are standing are in no way weak.  That is for sure.

[Dontgiveup]

RCR

I did not see the episode, so consider that with this feedback.....I agree with your insights on the blog.  I guess I am not sure exactly how this could be effectively done by the media.  Perhaps the best guests on the show might be those who have reconciled (or even not) post MLC. 

My counselor recommended that I not mention MLC to my wife as it could have a negative impact on her.....and most things I've read say the MLCer will deny it and get angry about being "diagnosed".  I think the best thing that could come from this is for the spouse, family, and friends to be aware of the symptoms so the process itself can be better understood by those dealing with it.

[OldPilot]

Oh I agree with DGU, the education process of tthe world is a tough nut to crack.
Even the people on the DB website can not agree on MLC.

They see standers as weak and want to control their MLC'ers or WAS.
I am not sure how I feel about that whole subject but I guess as far as Dr Phil goes
it seems better to have it out there than to totally deny the existance of MLC.

In marketing 101, you learn to mention the product, whether it is good, bad or indifferent.
Jest get the name out there.

[justasking]

Living here in Blighty I didn't see the show nor will I look at the messageboard as I have an inkling that there will be some very vociferous answers and ideas. Though these are relevant challenges at the moment I am not in the mood to try and get people to see our side. Hopefully someone will be strong enough.

But I think it is right that MLC is out in the media, which ever way. If a few people watched it and start to research it and find this or anyother forum that is a positive.

Educating the world is a drip srip process and won't happen overnight 

But the more people go looking for info the better the wider world will be for understanding where we are without us justifying our stand.
xx