[Absolutely Fabulous]

For folks who went NC who are sharing their insight here, I'm wondering also, did you communicate that you were going NC or did you just stop contact at a certain point?

I ask because I wonder if that makes any difference, if there's a clear boundary articulated to the MLCer or if the LBS just stops communicating.

I told mine point blank. I didn't mince words, and I made it very clear that I didn't want to hear from him unless it was: an emergency or absolutely necessary. I even went so far as to tell him that once all the divorce related things were finished that I never wanted to hear from him again. The kids are old enough to deal with him for things that they need from him.

Needlessly to say, most of those things still aren't completed. Even in divorce he is dragging his feet, and finding ways to continue contact. So in my case NC has only been on my end and not reciprocated. He's been nicer since this past weekend, but I'm holding my stance. He needs this to see that I'm not going to save him, or relieve his guilt.

I'm cordial, but I don't initiate. I've left him to the AD and his new life. It's crumbling, but I've made it clear that he can't continue to treat me badly and expect me to take it.

[Anjae]

My feeling is that if the LBS can find a way to avoid being recipient of anger the MLCer will have to turn it on someone else or look to himself. I don't know if this will lead to faster recovery. I guess I'm just wondering aloud.

I have no idea upon whom Mr J turned his face to face, or e-mail or text monster. He still had distance monster towards me through his court cases. But I doubt it has  made him look at himself. Maybe he turned monster upon OW2, even if I don't think so. At least not for a long, long while. He has totally dependent on her for emotional support. And for any decision, including his divorce court cases.

Also, for some, early one, even with no contac or No Contact (they are different), the MLCer may feel desperate and seem to come close to the LBS. But it is not genuine. It is only out of fear. It will a totally uncooked MLCer trying to swim back to the LBS.

Of course No Contact cuts the monster behaviour. The MLCer cannot talk or see the LBS. Monster may still be there, but we don't see it. But some, like Mr J, use indirec monster (court, money cuts, etc).

In Mr J's case (and this may be true for other MLCers), he thinks I gave up on him and no longer care. That is what my lack of contact means to him. If I gave up on him and no longer care, he sees no reason to leave OW2 and the MLC lifestyle because they are all he has. That, of course, is what his MLCer mind thinks. He has himself and a lot to live for, but that is something he needs to find on his own.

Actually, My2Girls, pretty much everyone in the board who is reconnecting or reconciled never used No Contac. They may had no contact for a little while, but never went No Contact.

For folks who went NC who are sharing their insight here, I'm wondering also, did you communicate that you were going NC or did you just stop contact at a certain point?

I did not inform Mr J I was No Contact. I just stop at a certain point.

Moving far away is also not going to bring a MLCer out of their crisis. Evas, you were not No Contact, you were no contact. Like you said, you have a son, so there was some contact.

No Contact means really No Contact at all. Nothing. Zero. Not a work. Like RCR says, when your MLCer calls, you do not pick up. No Contact is absolute Radio Silence. Even I was never No Contact. I just don't contact. http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_contact-levels_no-contact.html I can't post the No Contact versus no contact blog post because the board still has problems and I am not being able to reach the blog posts.

[Roma]

 I ask my H outright not to contact me, although it doesn't last, or it's counter intuitive as evas explained. We are now reconnecting and working on things.

Again as far as him coming out of crisis faster, that I just don't know yet do know he wants to end it badly.

[Velika]

I think here we are saying "no contact" as in no initiating contact or spending time together unless absolutely necessary.

My feeling is that when people are welcomed to the board, the advice to detach is good but nearly impossible to follow for a shell-shocked LBS. Specifically telling someone not to contact MLC spouse unless necessary I think is easier to follow.

I think also the LBS should consider not agreeing to meet or talk with or see the MLC spouse for a period of time.

[Roma]

I feel it really depends on the type  of  MLCer you've got to advise newbies. I highly suggest it for any type of clinger R for the LBS to heal and get their bearings back,  to fully read and gain understanding of MLC especially if there is an OP.

I see NC or a Not To Contact Me boundary as an adult time out to help the LBS.

[Anjae]

I think here we are saying "no contact" as in no initiating contact or spending time together unless absolutely necessary.

Most likely. But that is quite different from the boundary No Contact.

The advice to detach is valid, but I agree that it is nearly impossible to implement by a shell-shocked LBS. It is something that comes with time and cannot be rushed.

My feeling is that when people are welcomed to the board, the advice to detach is good but nearly impossible to follow for a shell-shocked LBS. Specifically telling someone not to contact MLC spouse unless necessary I think is easier to follow.

It may be, but many also do not find this easy or possible. In fact, detach is not that different from contacting only when necessary.

But the thing to have in mind is that not all MLCers are alike, nor are the LBS. Some LBS are fine with contact and so are their MLCers, others are not.

Clingers need a lot of contact. Vanishers (I am talking of real Vanishers, the ones the LBS never, ever heards from, not the ones who say "hi" once or twice a year, those are on-and-off) of course need no contact and they are the ones who cut all contact.

I think also the LBS should consider not agreeing to meet or talk with or see the MLC spouse for a period of time.

Why? Some MLCers are mild MLCers. Some LBS have small children with the MLCer. Some have live-in MLCers. It is not so simple, and, for some, that does not work.

I think detach is better because it allows for a number of situations. Seeing or not seeing the MLCer is up to each LBS and also depends of the type of MLCer they have.

Some here have always remained in contact and regularly see their MLCer. Those seem to be the ones who have a better relationship with the MLCer and who have better changes of reconnection and reconlciling.

If you are talking of some time off the MLCer for the benefit of the LBS, that is a different thing. And I think LBS do that. When we need time out from our MLCer, we say so to them (for those of us who have the MLCer around in one way or another).

[evas]

The sometimes sad thing with this forum, is that there's this impression that there's a set of viewpoints that seem like they're written in stone. Well, nothing ever is. As we can all so clearly see, since there are vanishers, boomerangs, wallowers and many more and many in between and since they all respond so differently to different kinds of behavior (or do not respond at all). What works for one doesn't for another and so on. That's why I think it's so important to be welcoming to ALL viewpoints, and not to slam them down.

Evas, you were not No Contact, you were no contact. Like you said, you have a son, so there was some contact.

Anjae, I made that clear. I wasn't aware that there was a lower case "no contact". Seriously, you HAD to point that out?

Also, for some, early one, even with no contac or No Contact (they are different), the MLCer may feel desperate and seem to come close to the LBS. But it is not genuine. It is only out of fear.

This too. I mean who knows? Maybe sometimes it is genuine?

Moving far away is also not going to bring a MLCer out of their crisis.

This is untrue. I haven't looked it up now, but I know I've read about "traumas" that can shock an MLCer out of the tunnel. A partner/spouse/X moving far away may well be such a trauma.

I often feel unwelcome at this forum exactly for this reason, this nitpicking, this "know-it-all". My views and ideas may be different but that doesn't mean they aren't valid. For me it doesn't really matter much, I have my success story, but maybe my story (and many other similar stories) can help people out there.

[Roma]

Ok, I'm confused. What s the difference between No Contact and no contact?

[Nas]

Moving far away is also not going to bring a MLCer out of their crisis.

This is untrue. I haven't looked it up now, but I know I've read about "traumas" that can shock an MLCer out of the tunnel. A partner/spouse/X moving far away may well be such a trauma.

If I'm being honest, then this kind of scares the hell out of me.
A month after H moved out last summer, I talked about moving out of state and he thought it was a "great idea."

And now HE has moved 1100 miles away.
And he is aware that I will be moving to a different state for the winter and then after that I have NO IDEA where I will end up living permanently.
This is of no concern whatsoever to him.

[evas]

Nassau1124, I'm not saying that moving far away is going to bring YOURS or any other MLCer out of the tunnel. I'm saying that the threat of me moving away (to another country in my case) helped bring MINE out.

I'm saying all MLCers respond differently. There's no set of "rules" as to what works (or doesn't). So your H moved far away and where you are ending up is of no concern to him. Well, you know, that may or may not be true!

In the beginning I didn't see things clearly. I saw things from a perspective of intense pain. I didn't see how my clinging boomerang tried to get back several times. In fact I didn't see it later either, until he was back with me and we talked about it and he pointed it out. Several times he said things like "I don't care" (using much nastier words), but in hindsight I realized he cared a whole lot. See what I mean? So when you say that your moving away is of no concern whatsoever to your H, all I can say is: Are you really sure?