[bvFTD]

Velika:

SongandDance tells you "to stop reading so much into this." I've followed many of your threads where people admonish you to get a life, to focus on yourself and to stop looking for answers on the cause of our spouses' sudden midlife meltdowns that destroy families, finances, futures and beautiful memories of our past because we are left wondering if we were living a lie for decades.

If we all had the mindset of unquestioningly accepting long-held, but illogical beliefs that were never investigated, we would still have signs at the edges of maps warning, "Here be Dragons"; we would still confidently assert that the sun revolves around us; and that miasma not mosquitoes cause malaria.

[Thunder]

Velika, I think S&D is right.

You can spend YEARS and YEARS and YEARS researching and trying to find answers to what happened to your H...or you can just accept something went terrible went wrong with your H and try to build a better life for yourself.
The decision is yours.

Is it a mental disorder or something else, who knows, but it happened.  So where does that leave you?  Where do you go from here?

Wasting years of your precious, beautiful gift of life God gave you trying to find answers that will change nothing just seems such waste of time to me.
He is lost.  That's all you need to know.

I think it's better to just accept something is wrong with him, it tragically destroyed your marriage and your family life.  Period.
Could you have done anything to fix or repair it?  No, but your life can go on.

God only gave us one life to live.  There are no do overs.  No second chances.
I choose to make mine as happy and fulfilling a life as I can.   

I pray for all these MLCer's who have lost their way and hope they can make something meaningful out of the time they have left on this earth. 

God bless us all.

[Ready2Transform]

There's middle ground. At some point, and we each know when that is for us, we hit a point of satisfying what we need to know. Acceptance and research aren't mutually exclusive. It's all part of the process. Obsession with it and using it as distraction can happen too. But for some of us we need to have a deeper level of knowing what happened. Just difference in people. Our commonalities are at the forefront so much here, but our processes are unique.

[calamity]

There's middle ground. At some point, and we each know when that is for us, we hit a point of satisfying what we need to know. Acceptance and research aren't mutually exclusive. It's all part of the process. Obsession with it and using it as distraction can happen too. But for some of us we need to have a deeper level of knowing what happened. Just difference in people. Our commonalities are at the forefront so much here, but our processes are unique.

I agree. 

I am sometimes guilty of advising others not to do what I've already done.   I hate seeing lbs's spending any time wondering what went wrong with their spouses but I had to go through all the wondering to get some peace of mind.  It all boils down to 'it's not your fault' [and it may not be your spouse's fault].  As long as you come to this conclusion you'll be fine.  Eventually.

[Not Applicable]

Velika-I wouldn't read too much into it simply because it is a "reality" TV program. They are never as "real" as they seem.

[Songanddance]

I wouldn't read too much into it simply because it is a "reality" TV program. They are never as "real" as they seem.

Exactly.

Here in the UK we have these reality programmes such as Made in Chelsea or TOWIE (the only way is Essex)  which are real people (not actors) but they all have issues and behave bizarrely to each other - relationships abound and change like the wind.

I learned some time ago from my daughter who has a couple of  FB TOWIE cast friends (God forbid and heavy roll of eyes)  that whilst the conversations they have are genuine and spontaneous - they actually have a production meeting beforehand where the producers tell them individually and discretely how the conversation should progress so that they are set up for a confrontation. If they follow the instructions and it becomes explosive and totally dysfunctional then they get paid more!   
They are not allowed to change the dynamics of the conversation but to focus on creating as much self indulgence as possible. So in a way it is sort of scripted.

How do you know that some of the Tori story is not "planned" and how do you know that the editing is not focussed in such a way to make them all look dysfunctional at some point.  It is so easy to point fingers and say "There but for the Grace of God go I"

If we all had the mindset of unquestioningly accepting long-held, but illogical beliefs that were never investigated, we would still have signs at the edges of maps warning, "Here be Dragons"; we would still confidently assert that the sun revolves around us; and that miasma not mosquitoes cause malaria.

BvFTD - Really?  I think you malign the human race and some of the LBsers on here unfairly simply because we offer advice and thoughts that contradict your own.

[Songanddance]

This is not about celebrity in the news but it is about a friend of mine whose husband committed suicide because of severe depression. He left his wife and 7 children in huge debt.  H and I knew the husband well and his death was a complete and utter shock because he never displayed outwardly his inner anguish and pain.  We knew that their business was struggling financially and couldn't understand how they lived in such a big house when they didn't have the income to match.

This is depression at its worst and "technically" Paul was at midlife. If you can watch it and see how the children coped and still cope with this situation.  It is an insight into the impact that loss has upon children.

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/oct/08/the-kingdom-of-us-review-netflix-teenagers-lucy-cohen

It is out on Netflix from October 13th.

[Thunder]

Song, how very tragic for that family.

Sounds like he just painted himself into a corner, financially, and thought it was his only way out.

How is she coping with all those kids?

[Songanddance]

They are all grown and young adults/teenagers now.

The youngest was only a couple of years old and the only boy in the family.   They had always wanted a large family but because the mum had autism in her family - the gene was passed onto 6 of the children - but they are only on the "quieter ends" of spectrum rather than fully blown.

I have no idea what was on his mind, all I do remember is a lovely warm hug, a genuine need to listen to you and lots and lots of laughter.

Very sad but also shows how many times we can rise above our struggles and that not everyone has it easy but it's the attitude to move forward that matters.

[Thunder]

I'll be sure to watch the story on Netflix.

Thank you.