[ruggedendurance]

Oddly,
I haven't stayed drunk.
I assumed.   I was going to handle the holidays the same way I did last year.   To be honest.   It was far better to be $hitfaced for all of it.   Far better than the years before.
That being said.
I wonder why I am so fkn pissed all the time.   I wonder why I want so badly to lash out........
I wonder why I am so disgusted with myself in the marriage.
You that know me, know my childhood family was as dysfunctional and violent as people live through.  My plan.  as a child.   Was to get as far away from those monsters as I could.   I was going to build a family that loved each other, protected each other, had each others backs......
I put my heart and soul into my wife and boys....   I wanted to build that perfect thing that I missed as a child....   I wanted a normal family.
Her MLC destroyed everything I worked for.   I am angry as hell over that.   I'm disillusioned.   Love and a steady hand won't build what you want more than anything in the world......
I'm pissed at everything.   Myself.  Her MLC.  The disgusting way the world works....
I know why I'm angry.  I know why I drink.
I don't know how to fix this life I am living.   I don't know how to have, what I always dreamed of.
Yeah.  Pissed off.   And amazingly sad

[OffRoad]

So.  Now who the h#ll am I?   My identity was taken at that time.   Now I'm............ what?   Single.  available.  broken.  despondent.  confused...........

Yes. And capable of changing all of that and more. Who ARE you? What does RE like to do? (besides drink ) Who were you BEFORE your marriage? Had you had the chance to figure out all of who you are then?

I know I process this madness like a bull in a china shop but I gotta face it.   I'm not the most sophisticated guy on HS.

You let your pain out as anger and frustration. Processing this is tough. I think sometimes we have to come around and revisit it several times to actually get a grip on how to deal with it.

I adore women but.   I never was a man w#ore so running to other women was never my bag.    I am actually taking this time to figure things out.

Like I say.   Not the best at explaining myself.

Thanks for the suggestions

If you do not love yourself before you search for a woman, you will only get women who want a man who does not love himself. You deserve better. Take that time to figure it out: Who YOU are, what YOU want, what YOU need to change. RE is a fine individual, although a little rambly when drunk.

Whatever you do, don't chill that alcohol in the snow.

[in it]

I read a quote once that anger is sad's bodyguard. My childhood cannot compare to yours but I saw and participated in the crap that went on..from about 6 years old.

I am trying to look at it as all these experiences..not the people created who I am today. The coping skills were modeled by the "adults" in my life. Not that they are to blame so much. In my case I do feel they could have tried a bit harder to act like decent people. They never dealt with their issues either.

I agree with OffRoad If you do not accept and love yourself first you will either attract or find another woman of the same mindset.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

Rugged,

All I can say is it drove me nuts trying to convince my H to get help for his depression and other issues. Open your mind to therapy, AA, meds if needed, anything to better yourself and become happy. Staying stuck will only get worse. Your W will never like this version of you. Trust me. The primary reason I am so unattracted to my H is because how utterly screwed up he is and his unwillingness to do everything and anything to change that. PLEASE get help so you CAN be happy with or without your W.

[Thunder]

rugged,

You have a LOT of hurt to work through.  A LOT!  You have been dealt a dirty hand.
When people hurt they lash out in anger.  It's so normal.

I wish I had the right words for you.  Something, anything that would help, but I don't.  I just care.

Hopefully one day you find something that can help take all this pain away.  You deserve better.
I know Mr. Beam is not going to be that something.

[stayed]

I think it's marvelous that you are admitting, owning, seeing your anger.  That's half the battle.  I think you will eventually get to the point where you will SEE that your anger is killing your soul.  It sounds to me like you were/are a loving, caring guy, with a very soft heart.  Sadly, raised in a family that you describe as dysfunctional and violent.  You SHOULD be proud of yourself, because you are not a dysfunctional, violent person, if you were, you wouldn't RECOGNIZE the things you do about yourself now.

I think you have to allow yourself to be angry.  Damn good and angry.  I know I was.  After we reconnected I found myself so bloody pi$$ed off I could hardly stand to be near my h.  I was pi$$ed that he had put us through this.  I was pi$$ed that I felt like I MIGHT be setting a very bad precedence for my daughters and even my sons.  I feared that my son's might think it was ok for a man to behave like my h did... and that of course their wives/partner would take them back.  I was afraid my daughters would think THEY SHOULD TOLERATE such abuse.  Most of all, I was pi$$ed that I had to DEAL with my ANGER!

You will be ok Rugged... trust me.  The fact that you are talking about your anger... you are going to be just fine.  Be kind to yourself RuggedEndurance.

Hugs Stayed

[ruggedendurance]

I'm positive that my anger is out of frustration.
I had no idea that a person could/would start laying the groundwork for a MLC for a few years before she actually left.
She told everyone that would listen, about how $hitty her marriage was.  How difficult is was to live with me.   
I knew she was unhappy.   She couldn't hide her depression from me....
I didn't realize she was secretly destroying me.
When she finally pulled out and I found out about her fat boyfriend.....    She quickly got a restraining order.   
I did send her an e-mail imploring her to pull her head out of her a$$..    That was good for a 3day stay in county.
She made sure I had no options.   No way to retaliate in any manner...   
So my anger stems from my amazing frustration at this crisis.   Stems from the fact that I have no recourse.
How have I fought it?   I sat quiet.   If they wanted their space......  I left them all alone.   I went for a year and a half without talking to the oldest s.   For 6months last year, I hadn't talked to my younger son.
It has been 4full years since I talked to any member of her family.   A family that I had been extremely close to..   She took all of our friends with her.
Silence......   the only weapon I have.
So.  I've had my a$$  kicked from pillar to post. and I have to sit quietly and take it...
 It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

[in it]

I know !! He told our kids he was going to divorce me in a year..he waited two months.

You ought to see what he traded me in for..BD then D. Then I'm stupid enough to go back! 

The last encounter with the ex sent me to the hospital and I couldn't even have him arrested!! Frustrated?? Pissed off ?? You damn right I was.

Then I spend the last three years trying to heal from trauma and triggers.

Then my two girls I gave birth to I spent 20 plus years loving, emotionally supporting, hugging, home schooled, dedicated my life to ( I did everything for them that wasn't done for me by the mother I had) turned on me after I told them the truth about what happened.. 

I stood up for and defended myself and now they have not contacted me at all in 3 years.. And I have no way to contact them..frustrated??..uhmmm you might say so.

You gotta burn it off somehow RE. You can't bottle it all up or you are going to have serious health issues.

I screamed and yelled my way through the first year. I had a really good friend who listened and just let me rant..I ranted here on HS..I ranted driving in my car..wherever I could get rid of it and I cried A LOT.

NOW the only thing I can be is a role model for my kids and pray they do not get involved with some kind of abusive man.

His mother lived across the yard from us. I was 28 years in that family and I have not spoken to her in four years. I always said if I could have picked a mother it would have been her I loved her that much.

I live within a 10 minute walk of the house the ex lives in with my youngest. I threatened to have him arrested. That's the only reason he has stayed away from me. I have barely seen hide nor hair of him.

This is the single most hardest thing I've done too ..just sit back and have to take it.I did very little..I was triggered by a few things that happened so at one point I sent a small note to his mother to tell her to put the divorce in HER family history and enter my last name as my maiden name.

It's humbled me I can tell you because of all of it I ended up homeless at one point and it was due to abuse. I was thankful I thought of living in the shed I have..did it look crazy to other people? I'm sure it did. I finally felt safe. Made perfect sense to me.

I've ended up grateful for every single thing. I deserve peace and no drama after what I have either been through as an adult or had to put up with as a child.

I have TOTAL NC with my own children because I have no choice and I haven't had a choice since this started back in 2010. This was born of self preservation. I have had enough abuse. I can only truly hope they are happy without me in their life.

That your wife took all your friends is telling. That's what self centered people do. If they are only listening to her side of the story you need different friends.

Is there anyone in your family that you have any kind of relationship with?..I know it was extremely dysfunctional.

[ruggedendurance]

I dunno about the booze.

Other than the madness last winter.   I don't overuse it.   Sometimes.   I get so destroyed by it, all of the pain leaks out......   It's the only way I can put it.

And actually.    The silence is working.  My boys and I have a good relationship now.   We talk regularly.   We do things together.   I'm allowed to connect with my grandchildren.

I am not invited to any family gatherings.........   My grandson was baptized today.   I wasn't invited.   I saw a bunch of pictures on FB.   The little woman was in some of them.   She looks like she lost a bunch of weight, too fast.......   Her eyes look like she cries all the time.   She looks way older than me........

It is just sometimes......   It washes over me and I get rid of it the same way.

Then.  I start to regroup and I see pictures of her looking amazingly miserable.   I guess.   There is a balance to all of this.

And no.   I want nothing to do with anyone I grew up with........

I guess.   I'm going to hold my course.   If people want to be a part of my life.   They can make an effort.

I never drove them away.   I'm not going to beg them to come back.

 

[elray]

Rugged,

First, your life is only as empty as you choose to leave it, and alcoholism is a guaranteed formula for an empty life.  You are being tested, my friend.  In This hell you're walking thru staying numb ironically only makes it worse.  This hell will teach you more about yourself than all the good years put together, if you are ready to learn. 

Second, Life isn't fire trucking fair.  Despite your intentions to right the wrongs in your childhood, and the priorities you made, your life took a different path.  No amount of anger or self destruction will change that.

Finally, The stages of grief are well understood and you aren't the first to get stuck in anger and denial.  I've seen others get stuck there.  It is not a healthy place to stay for long. 

I encourage you to Keep processing but remember, you won't rationalize your way to acceptance.  You can't get numb and forget it.    You get there when your ready to understand that it may not be logical or reasonable.  It just IS what it IS.