[gman242]

I'm always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

[whatthe????]

you are so right about that Gman.  This has been one of my biggest challenges.  I am very competitive so to just sick back and watch defies all logic to me! 

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Bluerose,

My W has said the same to me. They complete each other's sentences. He gets her corny jokes. They never stop talking. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I have to agree with the others. The few times, maybe 3 in total, that I have taken a shot at OM, her face lights up. She feeds on it. It's not easy to take it, but it is a losing battle.

They're looking for any opportunity to compare you, and feel like there's a "love triangle". Just remember they feel empowered by seeing you suffer.

[nah]

Mine came up with the strangest thing to try to get me.

He said the girl didn't drink.

Now the Leaver is an alcoholic who hasn't drank in about 20 years.  I'm a social drinker but he often would say to me, "what's that like to have one drink?" b/c I really could take it or leave it. 

So he said she didn't drink to make me think that's what she had over me (b/c except being younger which even that is not better, she doesn't compare in any category).  Honestly at the time it worked.  I thought that's why he left b/c I sometimes drank.  Looking back, he was really digging for an excuse, b/c that one was just plain stupid.  His mother thought I was amazing b/c we didn't have alcohol in the house, again I could take it or leave it.  Was never an issue. 

Then I heard otherwise.  Actually, she's a big drinker. 

I swear he made it up to make me believe they had something in common.  It was a complete lie.

Even stranger a few months ago when I met with the Leaver (which is rare), he leaned in like he was telling me a secret and whispered, "I had a drink.  I can't help it, I have been obsessing about drinking".

So I guess now they do have something in common.   

[Velika]

I'm always reminded of that 80's movie.. War Games.. The best way to win is not to play the game.

!!!

They're looking for any opportunity to compare you, and feel like there's a "love triangle". Just remember they feel empowered by seeing you suffer.

Yes very insightful. At one point last spring MLCer  threatens me, "OW is going to be in S7's life ... and in your life!" I told him actually I did not care to meet her. He was infuriated. He demanded to know if I could not see a time when OW and I might be friends; I told him no. Then, outraged, he wanted to know if I could not imagine a time when "OW might be friends with your new partner."

When I told him no that was a separate relationship he was even more outraged. It was hard not to laugh. His fantasies extend to OW and my future partner. At the time I was just thinking that it would be awkward and painful but now I feel it would be embarrassing.

All to say ... I think initially there is a lot of power in having an OW/OM but it is only powerful if, as gman writes, the LBS participates.

[bluerose]

I by no way participate. None of our children have met her. He was upset that i will not let d12 go to his house. I told him my d12 will not ever be around your ow. He didnt like that and that is when he said that i would have divorce papers in 2 weeks.  Realalistically, there is nothing stopping him from doing so, but d12 seen us kissing and said she would tell the ow.

[denjef31]

The infatuation and pull of the OW/OM is so intoxicating at first. You don't see it at first but you find yourself captivated and acting like a high strung teenager waiting for the next fix. I found myself on cloud 9 with the OM, and it was not because he looked better, had more than H. He just came at a time when I was at a low point and vulnerable, he said and did all the right things. Nothing H could have said to turn me away from the path that I was on with OM. When the fog/depression started to lift I still thought OM was a nice person but definitely not anyone I wanted to be with, or even pursue any further. So just like that I cut it off, no desire to hang out or be with him.

I just instantly looked at OM differently, same things that made me giddy, I now would roll my eyes at him and cut him off mid sentence. The interest/infatuation period came in fast and hard and left pretty much the same way. My H didn't need to do or say anything for this to happen it just did. So for those of you who said you realize there is nothing you can do but let it be you are absolutely correct. Time will fade these temporary feelings that feel so real to us at the time. I use to daydream about marrying this guy and what it would be like to move away with him. The pull of the truth kept pulling me back where I would think of H and I would go be with H intimately then run back to OM for my emotional fix.

[New Day Rising]

My ex would play me and the OW against each other. I used to take the bait. He knew how to grind my gears.  He would   use my son. He would say 'If you're not going to be friends with me, I want our son to meet OW'.

At first I would reply 'Over my dead body' and other such rhetoric that would start an argument and make him feel like he was in a drama. Then I realised I had to change me tact, so I would say 'I can't stop you from introducing our son to OW, but I would ask you to consider our son's feelings'. This was in the early days when I couldn't even look at him, let alone consider being his friend.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Mine didn't tell the kids about the AD, posted everything on FB. That's how they found out, then had the nerve to not tell them until they went to visit that they were living together. Kids texted me the whole time. I didn't ask or interfere in any way. In fact, I've never acknowledged her existence. This seems to trigger both him and her.

I think it's amazing the amount of time they both expend trying to get my attention through the kids. It's not working. So now, he's a sad sack that's trying to get the kids to feel sorry for him. He's broke and living with the AD who likes to have fun. I guess the party's over.

It's crazy how much drama and chaos they need to get through the day. Not able to use me and the kids any longer.

[Watcher]

Denjef,

I get the infatuation. My W has described it exactly as you have stated. It is extremely frustrating. It was a 1 month relationship and here I am 17 months later. He is long gone but not for her. It was not physical.

I fight with myself constantly trying to rationalize this moment in time. I so want to have it out with her but I know it will be pointless. My Dr tells me to be patient. Time, time, time. Thats what he says. Eventually she will explain herself? Or do we act like it never happened ? I am trying to rise above this and be a better person. We are always left with more questions.

In the end, it just doesn't seem fair. That is my problem.

Thanks for sharing. I appreciate it.