[Dumbfounded]

This has been fascinating reading and so helpful to understand what might be going on with my H. I keep re-reading it again and again.

I have a question. Once the fog starts to lift a little and you acknowledge something, even something small, do you ever second guess that acknowledgement or does it stick and you build on it from there?

My H has been exhibiting some behavior that seems to indicate he might be trying to make amends for some of his wrong doing. Just little sporadic things. He has not verbally said anything to me indicating he is sorry or asked to come home. I am afraid to have any hope for these actions for fear that he might retract it all at a moments notice and go backwards to Monster mode.

[denjef31]

I am pretty sure she is doing what I did for 3 years, lived in my head, withdrawn from my real life, and my real family. My feelings of infatuation only lasted about 6 months but I still struggled and was stuck for another 2.5 years. The ending of the affair is just the beginning in my opinion. You don't see progress, but it is happening internally and mentally but very slowly.

Thanks for this. I think this is the same for my wife. I'm pretty sure my wife's infatuation only lasted for about 6 months but it's been 2 1/2 years now and she's still with the om even though she's mentioned changing that situation several times over the past 2 years. It's very frustrating. During the last 6 to 12 months she's started reconnecting with my brothers and sister and their families and with her family and with our children and grandchildren and she FB messages me occasionally about trivial stuff so I think she's making progress.

Dec. 9th will be two years since she filed for divorce. No minor children involved, just splitting up our stuff, what the lawyers call an easy divorce. Last summer I had my lawyer tell her lawyer that I need to know what she wants from the divorce settlement. A week or two later we sat down and I helped her figure out what to tell her lawyer she wants after she came to me and admitted she doesn't know what she wants. She left more than 3 months ago to give her lawyer the list we came up with yet I still haven't heard anything from her lawyer. She has everything she needs to end our marriage anytime she wants, yet nothing has happened. I went through a similar although less severe identity crisis myself so I sympathize with her and kind of understand what she's going through but this waiting is mind-destroying.

A person that is sure about what they want doesn't hesitate or stall. I do not think your wife is sure about the divorce anymore. I wouldn't push or ask any questions about the status of the divorce unless that is what you want. Yes you are limbo, but she appears to be processing and thinking things thru from what you have shared. Just as we don't hesitate to leave, tell you we are not inlove with you, we wouldn't hesitate to divorce you either. Stop thinking about what she is doing and think about what she hasn't done and that may give you more clues. She admitted she doesn't know what she wants so that can be interpreted as she has not closed the door on you or the marriage yet. She is starting to remember good memories, the type of man you are. Let her continue if you have it in you to hold on.

[strength]

Den, I will keep in my heart everything you said today.  I am strong for the family but I miss our life together.  My H is doing everything he said he would never do.  I have so little hope for H to ever want me again.  Even with the pain and betrayal I also think of H daily.  I am waiting for final D to come through.  H has stalled it for a year.  H told me once "I don't want the D.  I love you" but nothing changed.  I cannot even begin to put my arms around what MLC'ers go through.  I cannot imagine abandoning my family and children.  I pray constantly for God to do the right thing for the M but it never happens.  I miss our home that I put my heart and soul into for 40 years.  Now 24yr old OW is living our life and she has let me know "you have nothing and I have it all" along with pictures of H and OW to hurt me more.  I am rebuilding my life but always hold in the back of my mind, one day being back home.  I know it is unrealistic and selfish.  Everyone tells me to let H go forever.  Until death do I part in my heart and soul.  I know I am being unreasonable about the expectations. Last week H told me he was miserable and twisted.  But H also says "I am in love with OW"

[denjef31]

This has been fascinating reading and so helpful to understand what might be going on with my H. I keep re-reading it again and again.

I have a question. Once the fog starts to lift a little and you acknowledge something, even something small, do you ever second guess that acknowledgement or does it stick and you build on it from there?

My H has been exhibiting some behavior that seems to indicate he might be trying to make amends for some of his wrong doing. Just little sporadic things. He has not verbally said anything to me indicating he is sorry or asked to come home. I am afraid to have any hope for these actions for fear that he might retract it all at a moments notice and go backwards to Monster mode.

When the fog started to lift, I started looking at H thinking about if I could repair the relationship but I hadn't made a decision either way. I was watching him from afar very closely but I was making small gestures to build a bridge towards reconnecting if I should decide I wanted to. I knew I had to start somewhere and figure out the rest later. Once I made my decision that I wanted him in my life as my H and the fear of losing him terrified me I made my desire known. After some time of I told him I wanted to return to the marriage and I would be committed to him and making it work.

 It starts off small though, you are being tested right now it sounds like to see if you are open or reluctant. Let him keep coming towards you, no pressure, no R talk. This is the time where we get antsy for a commitment but refrain from it or you will scare him off. H did this, and I just ran the opposite direction every time until I was ready to face him again even though I knew I probably wanted to be back in the marriage his eagerness prolonged my making any movement.

[denjef31]

Den, I will keep in my heart everything you said today.  I am strong for the family but I miss our life together.  My H is doing everything he said he would never do.  I have so little hope for H to ever want me again.  Even with the pain and betrayal I also think of H daily.  I am waiting for final D to come through.  H has stalled it for a year.  H told me once "I don't want the D.  I love you" but nothing changed.  I cannot even begin to put my arms around what MLC'ers go through.  I cannot imagine abandoning my family and children.  I pray constantly for God to do the right thing for the M but it never happens.  I miss our home that I put my heart and soul into for 40 years.  Now 24yr old OW is living our life and she has let me know "you have nothing and I have it all" along with pictures of H and OW to hurt me more.  I am rebuilding my life but always hold in the back of my mind, one day being back home.  I know it is unrealistic and selfish.  Everyone tells me to let H go forever.  Until death do I part in my heart and soul.  I know I am being unreasonable about the expectations. Last week H told me he was miserable and twisted.  But H also says "I am in love with OW"

How long has H been involved with this girl? Yes I said girl, because it is infatuation Strength. Okay a 2x4 coming. Stop this! Stop thinking how you are thinking. You sound like a victim. Yes you are,  but you must not allow anyone to show pity on you, or play the victim role. When you do this you are giving this little girl WAY MORE POWER over you then she deserves! No one wants to be with or come back to someone out of pity or a feeling of obligation. If you are in anyway looking how you sound then you have a lot of work ahead of you.

My H showed and told me in every since of the way that he was wallowing in self pity and it was not attractive to me at all. It pushed me further away from him honestly. Stop looking back at what was, and give him a reason to think about what could be! What worked in the past will not and cannot work in the future. Now I am not saying compete for him, because you shouldn't have to but you do have to show him you are not sitting around twiddling your thumbs mourning the loss of him or what was. You will not be able to make any meaningful changes with him right now until this girl lets her guard down and he begins to see everything is not what it seems with her. You will have to start over as friends first as he is turned completely away from you right now. Don't force anything just do as you say you are...let it be and you continue on your path what is meant to be will be.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Strength, I would suggest you believe what Denjef is writing. Her descriptions of what it's like for the MLCer are the most realistic I've ever read. There is hope as long as you are able to hold on. Your husband is not in love with the om, he's in love with the idea of being young again and being able to start over. One day he'll wake up and the thought of raising a young child again will horrify him. Hopefully this will happen before he actually has a young child to raise. When the ow sends you pictures and taunts you she's displaying her insecurity. I'm sure she knows how tenuous her hold is over your husband and I would bet her plan is to solidify her hold over him by driving you away. I'm sure she believes that once you're no longer an option, your husband will no longer have any choice but to stay with her. Well, screw her. The best way for you to respond to her is to ignore her and continue to do what you're doing. Your standing is driving her crazy and eventually your husband will recognize her craziness. You're in my prayers. You chose the right name because strength is what you're gong to continue to need. This takes a God-awful long time and standing is hard.

Think of having an outer body experience where you see  yourself doing things, you want to stop, you don't want to hurt your spouse, your kids, but there you are hurting the people you swore to protect and love. It is like watching a dream of yourself doing things you would never do in real life...yet it is real life. Some people will block out these things because the reality of what they have done is too great. I blocked it out for a while and never addressed it or talked about it with anyone. Finally I felt a great need to talk about it, tell H what I was thinking and feeling during this time as he doesn't know anything about mlc and he didn't know I was depressed. I did a good job of fooling him and he believed I just fell out of love with him and wanted to start over with someone else.

I suffered from extreme guilt, H often says he never knew I felt anything as I did a good job of hiding my true self and feelings, and just running from him. Believe me despite what you see and hear from your spouse, they are not getting any real peace or joy. They stay up many nights thinking about you, they are tormented by the decision to leave you but they feel it is for the best (for now). They question there decision everyday and some are very close everyday to coming back home, but they know they are not ready so they stay with the OP when they know they are not happy and they know they have no future with this person.

This is the best response I've read yet to those who think the MLCer knows what they're doing and could choose not to do it. I've never thought my wife was doing this to hurt me or my family and I've never felt like she could just stop doing what she's doing. I do believe it's a compulsion, as strong as and perhaps stronger than an addiction.

Thank you, Denjef, for responding to my post about my situation. I know you're right about my wife's hesitation which is why I don't say anything about the divorce. My belief is that if I say or do anything about it she will probably respond by running, that is, by moving forward with it. Waiting is hard but I do my best not to let her see how much I'm struggling.

I have a personal question for Denjef. How long has it been since you believe you came out of the fog and how well do you remember what happened during that time. I ask this because I only experienced the fog for maybe 18 months and it's been almost 4 years since I feel I started coming out of it and I still find that something I read on here will trigger a memory of something I had forgotten I thought or did during that 18 months. Thankfully, I know for sure that no memories of an ow will be surfacing because I'm certain I didn't go there.

[bluerose]

Strength,

            She says that she  has everything  and you have nothing.  That is not true.  You have the dignity and self tespect of someone who can hold their head high by knowing you are not the one who is sleeping with a married man. She cannot.  You have everything , she has nothing.

[denjef31]

Strength, I would suggest you believe what Denjef is writing. Her descriptions of what it's like for the MLCer are the most realistic I've ever read. There is hope as long as you are able to hold on. Your husband is not in love with the om, he's in love with the idea of being young again and being able to start over. One day he'll wake up and the thought of raising a young child again will horrify him. Hopefully this will happen before he actually has a young child to raise. When the ow sends you pictures and taunts you she's displaying her insecurity. I'm sure she knows how tenuous her hold is over your husband and I would bet her plan is to solidify her hold over him by driving you away. I'm sure she believes that once you're no longer an option, your husband will no longer have any choice but to stay with her. Well, screw her. The best way for you to respond to her is to ignore her and continue to do what you're doing. Your standing is driving her crazy and eventually your husband will recognize her craziness. You're in my prayers. You chose the right name because strength is what you're gong to continue to need. This takes a God-awful long time and standing is hard.

Think of having an outer body experience where you see  yourself doing things, you want to stop, you don't want to hurt your spouse, your kids, but there you are hurting the people you swore to protect and love. It is like watching a dream of yourself doing things you would never do in real life...yet it is real life. Some people will block out these things because the reality of what they have done is too great. I blocked it out for a while and never addressed it or talked about it with anyone. Finally I felt a great need to talk about it, tell H what I was thinking and feeling during this time as he doesn't know anything about mlc and he didn't know I was depressed. I did a good job of fooling him and he believed I just fell out of love with him and wanted to start over with someone else.

I suffered from extreme guilt, H often says he never knew I felt anything as I did a good job of hiding my true self and feelings, and just running from him. Believe me despite what you see and hear from your spouse, they are not getting any real peace or joy. They stay up many nights thinking about you, they are tormented by the decision to leave you but they feel it is for the best (for now). They question there decision everyday and some are very close everyday to coming back home, but they know they are not ready so they stay with the OP when they know they are not happy and they know they have no future with this person.

This is the best response I've read yet to those who think the MLCer knows what they're doing and could choose not to do it. I've never thought my wife was doing this to hurt me or my family and I've never felt like she could just stop doing what she's doing. I do believe it's a compulsion, as strong as and perhaps stronger than an addiction.

Thank you, Denjef, for responding to my post about my situation. I know you're right about my wife's hesitation which is why I don't say anything about the divorce. My belief is that if I say or do anything about it she will probably respond by running, that is, by moving forward with it. Waiting is hard but I do my best not to let her see how much I'm struggling.

I have a personal question for Denjef. How long has it been since you believe you came out of the fog and how well do you remember what happened during that time. I ask this because I only experienced the fog for maybe 18 months and it's been almost 4 years since I feel I started coming out of it and I still find that something I read on here will trigger a memory of something I had forgotten I thought or did during that 18 months. Thankfully, I know for sure that no memories of an ow will be surfacing because I'm certain I didn't go there.

I believe my depression started late 2011, and I believe I had my awakening around June 2015. I didn't say a word to H when I had this awakening I just started inserting myself back into family things, into his life as a friend of course, and flirting. Then in January 2016 I had built up the nerve to tell him I wanted to work on our marriage. Mid February 2016 I was BD by H. Now we are in the beginning stages of reconnecting. I was in denial about my depression for a very long time despite professional telling me I was. I wanted to blame H and anybody else for my feelings of despair. I felt the strong urge early this year to come clean and own up to the things I did and the hurt I cause and ask for forgiveness. He never asked for it but I knew he would need it before we could truly rebuild.

[No expectations]

Den,

I agree with Brain, your insights are so helpful!   My h has told me on a few occasions,  he isn't sure why he's still at the other house, why he doesn't come home.   I know he's miserable and lonely.   But he still has to fix  himself,  he's nowhere near ready.  As much as I want that, it's going to be when it happens, not any sooner

[denjef31]

He is resisting logic Stillluvhim, he is trying not to fall off the ledge. Your description is just like the article RCR wrote. He has failed and let everyone down, he mine as well make this one last thing work. Yet it will never work, so eventually he will hit his rock bottom. He is very very close but not there yet.