[Roma]

denjef,

Like my friend Velika, although I have yet to ask you a question yet, I can't begin to say just how much I appreciate you answering others and sharing your experiences.

They mean the world to so many of us it's like you are our lifeline to our MLCers by translaning it better for us.

Please stay.

~Elegance

[sparklestar]

Denjef, thank you for taking the time to reply to me and so many others what you say makes absolute sense. I really apprecIate your sharing such difficult stories it cannot be easy reliving this stuff.

[1trouble]

Denjef

I wanted to send you my support too....

This experience helped me to be thick skinned and I am sure, given what you have come through personally and what you are now going through with your H, you too are one tough cookie......and I hope you continue to post

There are many people on here who are eternally grateful for you sharing your experiences and I am one of them

It takes great courage to face yourself as you have done and I applaud your candid replies and willingness to answer everyone's questions it cannot be easy for you, as you too are an LBS on this rollercoaster ride as well......

Those of us on here who have never been in crisis ourselves, have our opinions, or ideas of what our MLC'ers are going through,  but unless we have truly been through it will never really understand ......you have so you have far more experience than all of us.

Although we come here because of MLC, each and everyone's journey through this will be different because of the personalities and relationships involved....

I think you are right, there are people on here who's spouse are not in MLC IMO and like you I do not believe in NC unless there is abuse, or the LBS is finding it hard to cope with the emotional rollercoaster and................. and I too believe it is possible to be a distant 'friend' to your MLC'er..........infact this is what my therapist encouraged me to do from the start,( not continual contact but not to let the contact entirely drop) 

 I do believe the biggest thing an LBS has got is their intuition and their knowledge of the core person (before crisis) and their history with the MLC'er..............its these things as the MLC'er progresses you need to use because there is no one size fits all solutions to this, if there were there would be more reconcilliations

But as there is very little information out there from those who have been in crisis, the information you have been willing to share is invaluable IMO, it helps us to be more compassionate and also to accept there is nothing we can do and this crisis has to reach its conclusion.............whatever it may be.

I did not see anything bland or black and white in your posts, what I saw was you giving us the benefit of YOUR own experience and I want to thank you again for sharing what must be very painful memories  I wish you well xx

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Den,

Count me among the ones who REALLY appreciate your candor and openness to relate what YOUR experience was in the depths of the pit.

As you have noted, each and every scenario is different and what you have shared with us (for which I am both eternally grateful and feel a small bit responsible for as I cut this out of my thread and started this one) reflects what it was like for YOU and how YOU perceived the time in the fog.

As convenient as it would be to just use a broad-brush, one-size-fits-all approach, it just ain't gonna work because every situation is different. I mean, in my case, this is the 2nd time I've been down this road. xW had a MASSIVE QLC with a High-Energy replay cycle that lasted about 7-8 years on it's own and was the quintessential Monster (Look up MLC-Monster in Wikipedia and my xW's picture is probably there). This time around, same LBS (me) but a totally different Mid-Lifer... so the whole scenario is different...

Anjae refers to some things that RCR has said and they DO have merit but, even RCR herself says that she is not a professional and her writings are based on HER experience. Stayed (and her H of the famous "Stayed's H's Letter") have yet a third perspective. It is the various bits of information that allow each of us to cherry-pick (if you'll pardon the term) the bits and pieces we feel fit our situation and discard the rest.

What I have noticed so far is that, with a few exceptions, the female Mid-Lifer tends to reawaken more quickly than the males do... This may be because Male LBS's are in a very sharp minority here (I believe 40:1 was the ratio I read somewhere) and, quite honestly, the majority (NOT all) male LBS's seem to be more apt to just move on quickly and stick a fork in the M and call it done.

Bottom line is that I thank you for your willingness to expose the target on your chest and give us your insights as to what it was like behind the curtain.

Thank you!

[denjef31]

Thanks all, I hope what I have shared has helped in your own personal situation. If it doesn't apply to your spouse's  MLC I encourage you to keep reading the articles, seek individual counseling for yourself, pray for deliverance from this cruel situation and to be restored of what has been lost. Joy always comes in the morning. It will get worse before it gets better. You will be pulled in directions you didn't know that was possible, and your faith will be tested.

When I have indicated it will get better it just takes time, that is so true whether the spouse returns or not. Sometimes that is also for the best, and the LBS will be better off and happier. I know that seems hard to imagine right now due to the pain, but in life we experience challenges, and what does not kill us will definitely make us stronger. I am very encouraging to have hope, but I am not advocating false hope either. You truly do need to be the best person you can be and offer friendship and love in spite of what has been shown to you. If my husband had been negative and mean to me while I was depressed that certainly would  not have motivated me to try or want to repair my marriage. It was his compassion, his consistency, his friendship that eventually spoke to me during those quiet times when I was alone wrestling with my feelings.

From my own experience if you are mean, nasty, and no contact because of the hurt and pain they have caused you sometimes they will feel they have hurt you too deeply and you will never forgive them. That they can never get back to a happy place with you and so they will stay in their adulterous relationship. Totally abandon you and your kids feeling you are better off without them and you are strong so you will eventually move on and you and the kids will be happier without them.

Again, yes I was only in depression for 3 years but I can assure you whether my depression was 3 years, 6 months ,or 10 years the dynamics of depression are the same. Some people have a short stint with depression and some it can last for years and years. It really depends on the individual person willing to do the work of working on themselves and the help of loved ones being there for them with support and love. I wish all of you success in repairing and reconciling your marriages. Thank you all for the kind words of support.

[denjef31]

Hi Den,

Count me among the ones who REALLY appreciate your candor and openness to relate what YOUR experience was in the depths of the pit.

As you have noted, each and every scenario is different and what you have shared with us (for which I am both eternally grateful and feel a small bit responsible for as I cut this out of my thread and started this one) reflects what it was like for YOU and how YOU perceived the time in the fog.

As convenient as it would be to just use a broad-brush, one-size-fits-all approach, it just ain't gonna work because every situation is different. I mean, in my case, this is the 2nd time I've been down this road. xW had a MASSIVE QLC with a High-Energy replay cycle that lasted about 7-8 years on it's own and was the quintessential Monster (Look up MLC-Monster in Wikipedia and my xW's picture is probably there). This time around, same LBS (me) but a totally different Mid-Lifer... so the whole scenario is different...

Anjae refers to some things that RCR has said and they DO have merit but, even RCR herself says that she is not a professional and her writings are based on HER experience. Stayed (and her H of the famous "Stayed's H's Letter") have yet a third perspective. It is the various bits of information that allow each of us to cherry-pick (if you'll pardon the term) the bits and pieces we feel fit our situation and discard the rest.

What I have noticed so far is that, with a few exceptions, the female Mid-Lifer tends to reawaken more quickly than the males do... This may be because Male LBS's are in a very sharp minority here (I believe 40:1 was the ratio I read somewhere) and, quite honestly, the majority (NOT all) male LBS's seem to be more apt to just move on quickly and stick a fork in the M and call it done.

Bottom line is that I thank you for your willingness to expose the target on your chest and give us your insights as to what it was like behind the curtain.

Thank you!

Thanks UM,

Please don't feel responsible because you are not. I shared and I answered questions. I didn't know it would be helpful or encouraging for anybody I just felt the strong desire to share from my perspective of what I went thru. I agree with you totally, MLC is not a one size fits all, and I hope I didn't give anybody that impression in the slightest. Each situation will be different and if what I have shared seems to apply to your situation or you see resemblances of what I shared in your personal situation please take what you need from what I have said here and leave the rest. It may be useful to someone else.

I read threads and some of what I have read doesn't fit my situation with H, or what I did when I was depressed but even still I learn new things and I am thankful for people sharing their experiences. It is definitely not easy to expose the most hurtful things we probably will ever experience besides death. Yet here we are exposing all of our flaws and our spouses flaws trying to understand what is really unfathomable. God Bless You All!!


Denjef31

[No expectations]

Denjaf,

I hope you know just how much I appreciate your perspective.  I've thanked you over and over.  You are such a strong person, to be going through this yourself, yet sharing your perspective with all of us. 

What we do with it, is up to us.  You are not responsible for our actions, our feelings, our relationships.  You have given us a glimpse into your world, and I know it comes at a cost to you to share it with us.

Thank you!

[sparklestar]

Denjef - every post is just so informative I totally agree with all that you say. We have to drop the ego and think about the longer term goals than just short terms wins. I'm definitely playing the long game. It may make us feel better in that instant to fight fire with fire or push for answers but bottom line that wont foster connection. I think what 1trouble said about intuition is also really important - my counsellor echoed it too - we have known our spouses for a long time and know their core personality and this is what we should keep hold of. I genuinely believe there is a lesson in all of this for me and for my H. I'm learning so much, seeing where we could be so much better and I'm invested in a better future. So it comes back to patience and building myself up to be as strong as possible to be able to handle the next part of this journey....

[Watcher]

Denjef,

You have offered me great insight as to what a female mlc er goes through. I see many parallels between your experience and my W.  Your writings are a breath of fresh air. I am very appreciative of the time and effort that you have made to share with us your experiences.

Thanks again.

[1MLC3KIDS]

I have been following this thread and too want to thank you for all your insight from your own experiences.

I suppose from what you've written, I am now wondering if I've blown it with my H. Bomb drop 2.5 years ago, 7 week affair with colleague, he moved straight in with her and her kids and he has been living there ever since.

Initially he would text me re contact with the kids, all teenagers,  even although he had already made the arrangements with them and was 'telling' me what they had arranged. I would just reply 'ok'.  He would pick whichever teen it was in the driveway and never came to the door. 10 months later I just stopped replying. I have not texted him spoken to him or seen him since May 2015. All correspondence through our lawyers.

He has not filed for divorce and nor have I yet although I may have to as he has raised a court action to force the sale of our house even although it is part of the financial settlement.  He just wants his money from the house and wants to forget about everything else eg pensions etc

He does text the kids although sees them all separately never all together and at best sees them once or twice a month, he only lives 20 minutes away. My daughter who is the youngest was seeing him once a month but over the last couple of months he is seeing her every fortnight, his choice, and she has said that he seems more like her old Dad. I suppose I'm wondering if he is trying to keep them on side knowing that he is taking me to court to force the sale of the house !

Anyway long story short, I have remained dignified and basically let him go to do what he needs to do but because I have no contact with him at all will he think that I don't want him or gave up on him ? and if I do have to file for divorce so the house is not sold separately will that convince him even more that there is no way back  ?