[UrsaMajor]

He is very much aware, but the true seriousness of what is going on has not sunk in yet.

You've said this before and I'm very glad you bring it up.
I think it's really important to remember that they are not completely insane and unaware of their behavior. 
To me, it seems more like a compulsion to continue and they just cannot stop themselves.

Some MLCers I've read about in recent threads seem to verbalize this.  One recent thread, someone said their MLC H said "Let me make this mistake."
To me that speaks volumes. 

My own H said before he moved away that he had to do it "if it puts me in the ground."
<...snip...>

The line I got at BD was "I know this is the worst mistake of my life and I will never find a man as good to me as you are but I have no choice...." 

If I remember correctly I think my reply at the time was that I didn't see anyone holding a gun to her head... Probably NOT the most helpful but in the middle of BD I wasn't too concerned about being helpful...

[Keep believing]

Thank you for the response . My h has a job where he can keep running . It takes him out of town . Comes in town on the weekends . I don't know how much longer he can do this . He said he was done traveling in July then nov but he is still going . I think maybe when he is in town some reality might set in .  He said he was tired of running but he is still going

[Never say never]

I guess my question to everyone is do your spouses seem even slightly happy when you have contact with them or if they talk about the OP?  My H just will not talk to me but he seems so depressed.  My daughter and I agree that we absolutely do not believe he can leave our house and turn around and suddenly be happy.  We just don't see that.

I think he runs and hides to a place where he can just be in oblivion.  I think maybe in the beginning it may have been fun, going places and doing things, but at this point, I really think he is just a total functioning alcoholic who doesn't know who he's become.  All he asks me to do is pray for him.

Other people on this post seem to say their spouse says they are happy with the OP and they even throw it in their spouse's face, saying they should never have gotten married, et cetera. 

Like I said on my post today, I'm having a very bad day today.  It's H's day off today and he's usually home by 5 a.m. sleeping on the couch for the day.  I called D and she said he hasn't gotten home yet

[Absolutely Fabulous]

KB,

Rock bottom is a place no MLC wants to go. We have exhausted all possibilities at that point. We have used up everyone we possibly can and we have run as far as we can...this is the end of the road. Nowhere else to turn, no where else to hide. Thats when we see the situation for what it is. No more blaming someone else for our problems. We finally take a good long look in the mirror and see our true ugliness, the hurt and pain we have caused. It sickens most of us to the point of self hate. I felt I had no one I could turn to anymore, no one who would listen, and no one who truly understood me. Lightbulb went off that self pity would get me nowhere so I started to think about my life, my choices, what I wanted my life to look like in the future. I cried and cried until I couldnt cry anymore. This went on for sometime, then one day I forced myself to get up and I slowly started putting my life back together. Slowly started rebuilding friendships, family relationships, the kids, and finally I had to deal with H.

I was most afraid to rebuild with him because I hurt him the most. I didnt want to rebuild only to run again. Also afraid of his rejection, afraid he would be unwilling to forgive me. Coming to him (eventually)was the hardest thing because it forced me to be really naked emotionally and finally verbally admit my faults. I pretty much lost everything mentally and emotionally, but I was barely hanging on to physically.


Denjef31

Now that's true maturity, and growth.

[stillbaffled]

As for rock bottom, thank you so much for giving your view of it.
It is a concept that scares me because I have wondered if my H will ever hit it. 
I sometimes think if his new life is not amazing but also not terrible, but just kind of "okay," he will just continue on and on and never hit bottom. 
Yes, he will have the guilt of what he's done to me and how he's treated me, because he knows it's not right, but if nothing blows up his current life he could go on for the rest of his life just stuffing down his guilt and compartmentalizing. 

Nassau - that's exactly how I think my exH will live the rest of his life. 

I hope you found some joy and peace for Christmas.  All the boxes unpacked and does it look like home?  My best to you, cyber buddy.

[Keep believing]

Den , I another post you said my h has along way to go considering he has enablers(his parents and ow) what is a long time? I know you can't really giveatimeframe but I'm. Curious as how you predict this. You know I'm talking d and I can't do this anymore but if there could be a promise my h would turn toward me in the next month then maybe I could wait.
Since I set boundaries. That he can't come to the house because he is with ow we met for coffee once then he grabbed my butt. I of course yelled at him after because I found out he was out of town with ow again . So became lose to me the. Ran again I reacted. Do you think if didn't react to him being with ow . He would be farther out of the tunnel. ?

[Keep believing]

For the most part if my h and I talk it's cordial. H seems to like it . But I have to call him . But when I find out h is with ow he is a monster . So angry . This seems more recent . H thinks he's hiding it . But says he has nothing to hide . On Christmas I called him about a gift he was to get the kids . I could tell he wanted to ask me things but changed it to something about the kids.as we were hanging up h thrpugh in there. Merry Christmas . I said it back but of course this made me happy .he cared a little . Ya know?

[Thunder]

Hi KB,

I know this was directed at den, I hope you don't mind me giving you an answer.

I don't honestly see a month as a very long time in MLC Land.  I know from every little improvement in my H every little step he took, took forever.  I could S L O W L Y see it happening.  If it happens with your H you probably won't see it for some time.

If I could just suggest 2 things.
Number one I would not be the pursuer.  Let him contact you no matter how long it takes.  It's hard but in means more if it comes from him.  Let him miss you a little and wonder why you are not calling him.

Number two, I wouldn't even mention ow.  Even if you know and he thinks he's fooling you.  He's not.
He is going to have to see for himself what a ding dong she is, and he will.  By bringing her up you only ruin a nice time you're having with him.  He will walk away feeling good inside about your connection.
He will not go home angry, he will go home thinking about what a nice time he had with you.

Ok, I'll let den answer your question.  I just wanted to give you my opinion, for what it's worth.   

[handpuppets]

Hi KB,

I know this was directed at den, I hope you don't mind me giving you an answer.

I don't honestly see a month as a very long time in MLC Land.  I know from every little improvement in my H every little step he took, took forever.  I could S L O W L Y see it happening.  If it happens with your H you probably won't see it for some time.

If I could just suggest 2 things.
Number one I would not be the pursuer.  Let him contact you no matter how long it takes.  It's hard but in means more if it comes from him.  Let him miss you a little and wonder why you are not calling him.

Number two, I wouldn't even mention ow.  Even if you know and he thinks he's fooling you.  He's not.
He is going to have to see for himself what a ding dong she is, and he will.  By bringing her up you only ruin a nice time you're having with him.  He will walk away feeling good inside about your connection.
He will not go home angry, he will go home thinking about what a nice time he had with you.

Ok, I'll let den answer your question.  I just wanted to give you my opinion, for what it's worth.   

I wholeheartedly second everything Thunder wrote above. This process is a marathon and the pace is S L O W. Ultimately you will decide when/if you'll finish the race.

[Keep believing]

Den the confusing part to me is this ,
 You felt like you were losing your h. Is that when you decided to look at yourself and hit  bottom? Which came first i suppose.  Stayeds husnabd said the same thing. Is was afriad of losing her and that made him wake up but the wholetime he knew he could keep going as long as the anchor is there.  You the same . So it seriously takes the fear of losing them to change. Is this my understaanding ?   Like you know you are wrong but you do it anyway . You push the lbs away but yet want then there to wait. I cant comprehend that.