[devoted]

Attaching

[Keep believing]

The thing for me that I can't understand is why did you wait until you were going to lose your spouse did you start to change? This is the part that makes me believe it is a game of some sort. Why if you knew you wanted to be with your h , hurting him didn't make that enough to stop . When the lbs is truly moving on is when the Mlc spouse suddenly wakes up Hmmmm I don't get that . Please try to help us understand that .

[Keep believing]

And  it's not just you. Most of the ones that returned have said this .
.

[Nas]

I always look forward to Denjef's responses to every single question.

On this one, Keep, my understanding is that it's not a conscious thing on the part of the MLCer.
My boyfriend when I was 15 was kind of a jerk.  He would ignore me and talk to other girls, but as soon as an older boy asked me to go to prom with him, he suddenly wanted me back.

I don't think MLCers are doing this kind of game playing, even though they do act like childish teenagers.
Denjef once wrote that the MLCer is doing things and can't explain why they're doing them but they're in replay and having kinky sex or spending lots of money and doing all kinds of things they know are wrong but that make them feel good in the moment as they're doing them - so like in addiction, they live for those moments of "pleasure" despite the subsequent crash/pain/depression/unhappiness, and they're just not motivated to stop doing what they're doing, or they're too afraid to make the necessary changes that would help them to stop. 

So if they think we're where they left us and willing to wait them out and take them back, they just keep doing what they're doing because they think they still "have time," they haven't really truly crossed over into living their new life because their old life, or at least parts of it, are still there for them to return to when they're ready.  They don't have to think about their "new life" in real honest, concrete terms or commit fully to the new life (even if it looks like they have) or actually put all of their effort and all of themselves into this new life.  They're really not seeing reality. 

Denjef, that was my feeble attempt at articulating my understanding.  Looking forward to you correcting me and clarifying!

[denjef31]

Nassau,

You did a great job of explaining it. We haven't let go of our former lives. For a period of time have our foot in both worlds. Not committing to either one, but hoping and anticipating both worlds will continue to let us keep wetting our feet. It's not a game, we are in turmoil. To coward to make any real decisions. We know we will hurt someone regardless, we haven't figured out the lesser of two evils, where our true loyalties and commitments are. We think we owe you nothing because our feelings are hidden remember??

I am sorry you are having such a hard time understanding it perhaps you never will. We don't understand it either until we have reached the other side of this.

Denjef31

[denjef31]

Nassau,

When your H agreed with you and said he would miss the friendship too why didn't you believe him? Yes our demeanor may look flat, we may seem unapologetic, but that doesn't mean what he said was not true. We leave, we divorce,  and we abandon because we feel it's the only way. We feel you would be better off this way then to keep hurting you. If we know this the logical question is if we know this then why do we keep doings things to hurt you.

This implies we are doing this on purpose with the intent of hurting you. That's not MLC. We are hurting ourselves and in turn the people that are closest to us but we are not strong enough to stop it. We think we can repair and fix everything when this is all over with, because most of us know this is just a season. We don't start off trying to the OW/OM permanent. LBS's give the OP too much power. You make this person's role in all of this more than what it is.

Your inability to see this all starts and ends with your spouse keep you from detaching, growing and progressing. Stop regurgitating words you read about OP is a distraction and get to the point where you really believe it! Some of your husbands and wives are taking comfort in yesterday's trash, they are beneath you and do not hold a candle to you. If I posted a picture of OM and my husband or even OW and me you will see what I am talking about. From a former MLC the OP as painful as it may be to see and hear your spouse give their affection to someone else, that is really all they are getting.

You don't want your spouse back when they are still lying, manipulating, deceiving, running from responsibility and confused. You want what they use to be and I am telling you for some of you if you stand and let them go thru this process you will have even better!

Denjef31

[denjef31]

Never Say Never,

Yes in my opinion this would have happened irregardless of what you did. This is on him and him alone. We all have had marital problems and could have done things differently, but how our spouses and even myself have chosen to deal with them was/is a personal choice. It's escape and avoid in the most destructive way possible.

Denjef31

[Mitzpah]

denjef,

Although I have been at this for a long time now, I really appreciate the insights you give us.

Thank you

[MourningDove]

I just sat through a divorce settlement meeting today and my H wants done. He has said this over and over, and pushes forward, yet his actions sometimes are opposite. He wanted us to be friends and for me to invite him over for Sunday dinners at one point.

Today, the big cash payout and so on that I am pretty sure that the OW has told him was going to happen didn't and in fact he is walking away with nothing. I am not happy about it as this is not what I wanted, but I was forced into protecting my finances, the kids and the house. It is how things shook out in a fair manner by the time the numbers were run. His math was typical MLC math

He is beyond angry. I asked another friend who has an X who experienced a MLC. I fear my H may never get past this.

Did you have so much anger before your divorce? Was the fog that deep? Do the memories of good come back. (I know this is just your experience and each MLCer is an individual and it is all about them working through their demons). I guess it is so hard to see how their perception could possibly change at this point. For every bad hiccup in our marriage, I know there were 30 good things, that H even at one point believed in.

[denjef31]

HeroIam,

My best and only advice is to live your life to the fullest. I haven't read your personal thread but I can say kids or no kids there is no guarantee with MLC. I always felt deep down I would go back to my former life as a lot of their MLC'er. Some are confident when they leave and never return, and some change their minds once the fog lifts and they realize life was better with you in it.

2.5 years is not long in MLC as time moves very slow in the fog, but I am sure it feels like eternity to you. Leave the door open to reconciling but keep moving to your own happiness. We can't let life keep us still in limbo. He is paying the bills great! Are you prepared to take care of everything on your own should he stop?
Not saying this will happen but it is a possibility just as you H coming thru those doors tonight to ask for reconciliation. He still feels some responsibility and commitment to you so that is a good thing because as you know we usually run and hide and skip out on responsibilities.