[BrenM]

Vanishing/Ghosting is so so cruel because one day they’re telling you how much they love you, and will never leave you, making plans for the future....and the next they’re gone, literally! Who does that?! Anyone would be confused and want an answer. It really screws with your head and makes you think it’s somehow your fault. The abandonment and rejection issues are huge.  Soul destroying. I suffered greatly in the early days, like many have before me.

Mentally well people don’t behave like this.  They don't treat wives and kids like this. Cowards and crazymakers do. I still believe my husband has depression and mental issues due to his abuse from his father during childhood.

I suppose some people cannot be the people we expect and need them to be, so they leave thinking it will solve their problem. It never solves the problems of the family.  I believe that they will not be good for anyone else, and they will feel guilty forever for this what he did until they come out of the fog.


There’s a saying… “How to murder someone: tell them you love them and never talk to them again..”. Fingers crossed our Vanisher Mlcer's haven't murdered us and this is only a temporary fix to their mixed up mlc mind, all to be faced when the fog lifts.

[sparklestar]

That article is interesting but it comes from the premise that the ghoster wants out of a relationship / wants to break up and didn't mention MLC. So we could then assume that our Hs aren't in MLC at all they just wanted out and don't know how to deal with it?

The odd behaviour and character changes that we see prior to, at and after BD tell us something isn't right which is why I think most of us end up here because we suspect MLC but is ghosting and MLC vanishing the same or is ghosting a style that an MLC uses? It's confusing.

I suppose you could use the theory that the MLC sets the momentum of wanting to leave, being involved with OP or both etc (what seems to characterise MlC is the urge to run) then in kicks the cognitive dissonance and the rewriting of history to justify and validate actions along with a bit of compartmentalisation. Boom.

What I think we miss with vanishers is the confusion or indecision. By not seeing it does it mean it isn't happening? If we don't have a clinger or a boomerang does it mean they aren't having the same thoughts or cycling? Or do vanishers literally make their decision, leave create new life all the while the MLC progresses and normal MlC type awakening/fog-clearing/liminality type stages happen as normal ? I guess that description of a ghoster makes you wonder whether it was MLC at all? Or, did we just get ghosted?

I hope all that makes sense?

[Nas]

 I read a lot about "ghosting" in my early days after BD.  In ghosting, there is no BD. The party that wants out simply leaves without saying a word. They do not express that they are leaving in any way. They are simply there one moment and gone the next.  sort of like the old stories of a father who went out for cigarettes and just never returned. That would be ghosting, walking out the door without a word and never coming back, leaving without giving so much as a hint of what they are about to do. No BD, no ILYBINIlWY.  They just disappear… Like a ghost.

[stillbaffled]

We know that vanishers not only abandon their wife but their kids and often family members as well. The people that were their world.  They also tend to run away from all of their obligations.  They pretend that their old life doesn't exist. Does this mean that their MLC is more severe than clingers, wallowers and boomerangs?  Or are they just bigger cowards?  That is my question.

I had these exact same thoughts and questions many times during that first year.  Now into the second year I don't dwell on them nearly as much, but if answers were out there I'd sure like to know!   

I personally think that it is their guilt that keeps them away.  They are running from their guilt not being able to face the people they love and have hurt.

This I firmly believe as well, RB.  My MLCer can't even face most of his family.   His mommy is the only one he can take being around.  Of course he and OW live with her so I guess he'd have to figure out a way to be around her with no guilt because after all, he does need a place to live and needs to provide for OW!   

[BrenM]

We know that vanishers not only abandon their wife but their kids and often family members as well. The people that were their world.  They also tend to run away from all of their obligations.  They pretend that their old life doesn't exist. Does this mean that their MLC is more severe than clingers, wallowers and boomerangs?  Or are they just bigger cowards?  That is my question.

I had these exact same thoughts and questions many times during that first year.  Now into the second year I don't dwell on them nearly as much, but if answers were out there I'd sure like to know!   

I personally think that it is their guilt that keeps them away.  They are running from their guilt not being able to face the people they love and have hurt.

This I firmly believe as well, RB.  My MLCer can't even face most of his family.   His mommy is the only one he can take being around.  Of course he and OW live with her so I guess he'd have to figure out a way to be around her with no guilt because after all, he does need a place to live and needs to provide for OW!   

Stillbaffled, at 2.5 years I still dwell on why my Exh has abandoned his family.  It just not make sense.  I only wish that we could get feedback from a Vanisher - reconciled or not, just to receive some answers.  It absolutely kills me.  To end a marriage (the correct way) I understand.  But to walk away from everything will never sit right with me.

In relation to their guilt, surely they can run and avoid it forever.  It will eat them up from the insides out.  My Exh looks awful, he has aged immensely.  People tell me how miserable he looks, though he continues to tell the world how blissfully happy he is.  Would you be happy knowing that you have hurt your family, your kids hating you and wanting nothing to do with you, you daughter suffering severe depression, your family having financial issues due to your lack of responsibilities,etc etc......I don't think I could look at my reflection in the mirror each day without being disgusted in myself....yet he carries on being happy as Larry.

[Snowdrop]

We have a vanisher.  After over 20 years together, got up one day and left...never came back.  Only contact after that was about getting his things....he still only took a few.  Almost 5 years ago.  New wife, new life and has what he wants and nobody to question him about his past.  No contact with us, ignores the kids and has done since he left.  No responsibilities.  As if he left and took on a new persona and completely cut off anything resembling his previous life.  We had an idea where he went but he didn't tell us his address or how to contact him.  He doesn't care and has no interest whatsoever in me or the kids.  Doesn't pay a dime and hasn't since he went.

S recently contacted him as he wanted to tell him about himself (sadly since his father doesn't ask), and H is the same as when he left.  Not a clue about the kids or even how old they are and which grade they are in.  I heard the conversation and it was so sad and pathetic, he was grasping at straws for things to say as he had nothing.  An hour of garbage....then tells S he loves S and D, and always has and "even though me and your mom....." referring to why he left , same old garbage.  Had the nerve to ask S if he wanted to go and stay with him and OW.  Can you imagine?  Abandoning your child and not speaking for 5 years and randomly asking if he would like to go and stay with him and OW.  How cruel of him.  Of course S has craved his father for all those years, so to dangle a carrot like that is particularly cruel, but I am not surprised.  How dare he.  He told a friend at the beginning that the kids "will come around", which makes me spit at the gall of it, and again H mentioned he was glad S "came around".  Ugh!  No S didn't "come around", he contacted the father who abandoned him as S wanted to tell his father about the man he was becoming as his father didn't show any interest.

Anyway, he seems to be living a good life with OW and life is somewhat as he wants it to be - he's in a place people go to have a vacation so loving it.  His conversation started off in a bizarre way, speaking about some random healthcare issue - I couldn't believe the cr@p out of his mouth, still all about him and zero remorse or acknowledgement for what he did - (I stood outside the door just to get an idea of what he was saying, but in the end I went and made supper as it was ridiculous, yet so sad to know this is the reply my son was getting after all this time).  This was after H not speaking with his son for almost 5 years, again he talks about himself.  At no time did he ever apologize or own what he did. He is the same.  Sad.

At the beginning when he left, he made up lots of stories to make him look like the victim or good guy and he's probably told the lies so many times now that he believes them.  How else can you explain not speaking to your children or them not visiting you for years on end, unless to say that their mother won't let them, and she's vile which is why he left.  Of course he will get sympathy and after a while people won't ask anymore.  He's a nice guy and very affable so probably has a ton of new friends and family from OW's side.

I have never chosen to find out anything about OW as I truly am not interested in her or either of them, nor am I remotely curious.  He has gone and that is all I know or need to know.  Whatever he does is up to him, I can only focus on me and the kids.  Living like he was never coming back has helped.  After all this time I don't think I would want him back anyway.  We are relatively happy and quite independent.  When he first left I used to think we needed him home in order to make our family whole and complete.  Now I know that isn't true.  He was an angry man and we have relative peace now that he has gone.  I became more of who I used to be and in some ways happier as we weren't walking on eggshells anymore.

I have two teens now and they both have their moments but overall I wouldn't change what we have.  They can be a handful but we are doing okay.  They are still my priority and always will be, and that is all that matters.

Wishing you all well and strength in your journey.  It does get better, let them go and focus on you.

[BrenM]

Oh my Snowdrop - let me send you an electronic BIG LBS tight hug 😘

Your story is so so sad.  Your poor kids.  Poor you.  You all deserved better treatment then that.  What a gutless heartless wonder your ExH is.  Does he not realize that people do not just "come around" after been discarded like a old used dishcloth? What a pathetic humanbeing!  What a pathetic Husband!  What a pathetic father!  He won't be able to run forever, it will catch up with him.

I don't believe for a second that he would not endure moments of pain, remorse and regret.  It will happen.  Come on Karma play your hand for Snowdrop and all of us on HS! 🙏🙏

Sorry Snowdrop I am not familiar with your story.  May I ask if the OW was much younger than you ExH?  Was it a ego boost or just a pure brain Snap?  Did he endure any abuse of heartache in his childhood?

Snowdrop you need to be commended on pulling your family together. I know your kids will appreciate and acknowledge what you have done when they are older, if not already.  You go girl!  You rock!

[Snowdrop]

Thanks Rossbren. 

It is okay, the kids and I have been tough and had no "victim" mentality which is what I think kept us looking forward, plus nothing was hidden from them as they saw BD for themselves as they were in the same room when he made his announcement to leave.  He was making vacation plans one day and two days later had gone.  He just snapped and left.

At the beginning it was so painful, as it is for everyone, but over time it has lessened as I really have put the energy into us and not him.  Now I hardly think about him or him coming home, although I have the odd thought, but more about the connection that we had, and which I think we will always have.

Sorry Snowdrop I am not familiar with your story.  May I ask if the OW was much younger than you ExH?  Was it a ego boost or just a pure brain Snap?  Did he endure any abuse of heartache in his childhood?

No idea about how old OW, I think the same age?  I caught a glimpse of a "Happy New Year" card from H and her which arrived in the mail one year addressed to the kids , and which D said to destroy and not open...you could see through the envelope as there were handwritten notes from both of them on the back.  So very wrong for many reasons.

According to H, and a story he bragged with glee to the kids and I one day when he came to get some things, is he went on vacation and met OW in a bar on the first night so extended his stay...within a few weeks they were married.  That's about it.  He went on and on to the kids and I about her and it was obvious he wasn't mentally well.  Who does that.

Anyway, enough said.  I don't give her an ounce of my energy or thoughts.  Can't be mad at her either as she only has his story, although what kind of woman would allow a man to not be in touch with his children? Speaks volumes about her, him and them.

We are good, we are tough.  I have continued to put the kids first and am all they have.  We are getting through it and I'm so proud of them and us.

Yes, H had a tough childhood, but then again didn't we all or some of us.  I did and came out okay.  His father left before he was born then died at a young age, H didn't know his dad.  His mom is/was narcissistic, remarried - an alcoholic - had a daughter together.  H and his brother were the "other guys kids", so not treated well at all.  They had a huge support system and close relatives so not sure what went wrong.  The mother was totally self absorbed, and I saw that when we met.  I saw right through her and she knew it.  What kind of grandmother would call the house and ignore the kids, telling them she wanted to speak with their father?  That's her.  No acknowledgement of the kids either, nor H's sister as she was guided by the mother.  As if our kids didn't exist.  Red flags galore!

[BrenM]

According to H, and a story he bragged with glee to the kids and I one day when he came to get some things, is he went on vacation and met OW in a bar on the first night so extended his stay...within a few weeks they were married.  That's about it.  He went on and on to the kids and I about her and it was obvious he wasn't mentally well.  Who does that.

Snowdrop, I have a similiar story.....definitely MAJOR brainsnap.

Yes, H had a tough childhood, but then again didn't we all or some of us.  I did and came out okay.  His father left before he was born then died at a young age, H didn't know his dad.  His mom is/was narcissistic, remarried - an alcoholic - had a daughter together.  H and his brother were the "other guys kids", so not treated well at all.  They had a huge support system and close relatives so not sure what went wrong.  The mother was totally self absorbed, and I saw that when we met.  I saw right through her and she knew it.  What kind of grandmother would call the house and ignore the kids, telling them she wanted to speak with their father?  That's her.  No acknowledgement of the kids either, nor H's sister as she was guided by the mother.  As if our kids didn't exist.  Red flags galore!

It is uncanny how many MLC lost souls have experienced trauma/abuse in their early years. This constantly arises during people's postings.  I really sympathize for these souls.  It is also frightening of the number of deyjuvu scenarios there are....history repeating itself....it scares the $h!te out of me!  I will do everything in my power to make sure that my children do not destroy their lives or the lives of their loved ones in the future.

[nah]

....I don't think I could look at my reflection in the mirror each day without being disgusted in myself....yet he carries on being happy as Larry.

I had to responded to this. 

Bomb drop was about 4 in the afternoon.  He gave me three sentences including, there is someone else and he wanted a divorce.  BAM  no beating around the bush, all at once and then he was gone.

He jumped out of the car, got into his truck and left.

He was in a band at the time and sang on stage that night.  Singing, dancing, entertaining the crowd just hours after telling his wife of 28 years that it was over.  Wow, who does this?

He lived with his parents for about two months and then moved into a apartment with the girl.  Then within a year, while we were going through the divorce, he bought a house. 

All this time, if I tried to contact him at all for anything slightly emotional I was ignored or told in one way or another to, "move forward" or "get over it". 

Now they are planning to get married (four years after BD) in September.

Seems like he is "happy as Larry", right?  I'm sure many in the outside world thinks this is all normal.  I'm sure her family is so happy for the love-birds.

Wait.... uh-oh a little rock in the shoe of their love.

I've been writing about this for the last few weeks.

Believe me, after years of getting stonewalled I was shocked that he would tell me this (among other things)...

"Every morning I look in the mirror and I'm physically sick.  I feel like I'm living someone else's life"

I think the only difference between the Leaver and most other vanishers is he actually told me what he was thinking.  Like you, I always wondered, I mean how do they do it?  What are they thinking?  The thing about vanishers is they completely cut us off and seemed to just live another life.  It just can't be done.  They might be going through the motions but there is just no way it is not eating at them. 

Yes they served us a sh!t sandwich.  Thing is they ordered one for themselves and now they have to pretend to like it.

We can eat our sandwich, or walk away from it.  So we do have a choice.  It seems like they have more choices, I mean they are the ones that ordered that sandwich BUT.... they can't walk away from what they ordered even though inside they are saying, this is sh!t.