[Mae]

Noex you said this:

"I have thought about H's timeline too.  There are a few things I really don't understand, but I have decided that it's really of no consequence to me.  I know without a doubt there was an EA, and a PA, with OW.  I'm sure she's gone now.  I know when that all started he was lying to me.  I have to understand that if I ask him things that make him feel pressured, he will lie about them now.  So I'm satisfied living my own life, taking one day at a time.

I hope that with the answers you got from H, you are able to move forward, Mae.  It's so unbelievable what happens to our H's."


It's funny you should say this Noex because in trying to piece together his timeline all I seem to be doing is rehashing my own hurt. Last night I even asked for his online banking details so I could check
His spending. I am obsessed currently with what he was saying to me via text and.what he was doing. For example in late April he was promising me that he would fix his issues ....which is great but not if he is then meeting with fantasy EA for a yoga session.

I'm saying to myself "Mae what are you trying to achieve here? More hurt? A reason to make H feel more guilty and regretful and stupid so he can grovel at your feet and you can feel smug and superior?" He is regretful, he is desperate to come home, is willing to change and do whatever it takes to make amends to D14. He is loving and present and open......I can see, feel and hear his remorse and his commitment to me and our family. Surely that is what is important here.......so I'm dropping it. When I dig deep down all I want from my h is reassurance.......when my mind thinks of only the hurt all I want really is my h telling me he loves me. When I remember the messages between him and FEA (fantasy EA) telling her she's hot and attractive all I want is for my h to tell me that I'm the only woman he has ever loved. When I think of those drunken incidences of him kissing random women.....I want him to tell me that he was being stupid and ridiculous and thank god for his friends who stopped it from going further.

Noex, you have moved past needing to know.....I think I need to as well because I don't think it's about needing to know at all....it's more about letting my h soothe me when I'm hurting and reassuring me. I think my probing is making him very anxious.....he is scared I'm going to change my mind about letting him come home (as if). At the moment he is away for a few days overseas with his two very best friends but not enjoying it very much, is missing me and very anxious,  just wants to come home.

So I'm going to back off. I still have a few questions which I will ask but knowing that the answer is not the goal but rather the reconnecting between us.

[Mae]

[quote author=No expectations link=topic=8952.msg591781#msg591781 date=1495708957

I have thought about H's timeline too.  There are a few things I really don't understand, but I have decided that it's really of no consequence to me.  I know without a doubt there was an EA, and a PA, with OW.  I'm sure she's gone now.  I know when that all started he was lying to me.  I have to understand that if I ask him things that make him feel pressured, he will lie about them now.  So I'm satisfied living my own life, taking one day at a time.

I hope that with the answers you got from H, you are able to move forward, Mae.  It's so unbelievable what happens to our H's.

It's funny you should say this Noex because in trying to piece together his timeline all I seem to be doing is rehashing my own hurt. Last night I even asked for his online banking details so I could check
His spending. I am obsessed currently with what he was saying to me via text and.what he was doing. For example in late April he was promising me that he would fix his issues ....which is great but not if he is then meeting with fantasy EA for a yoga session.

I'm saying to myself "Mae what are you trying to achieve here? More hurt? A reason to make H feel more guilty and regretful and stupid so he can grovel at your feet and you can feel smug and superior?" He is regretful, he is desperate to come home, is willing to change and do whatever it takes to make amends to D14. He is loving and present and open......I can see, feel and hear his remorse and his commitment to me and our family. Surely that is what is important here.......so I'm dropping it. When I dig deep down all I want from my h is reassurance.......when my mind thinks of only the hurt all I want really is my h telling me he loves me. When I remember the messages between him and FEA (fantasy EA) telling her she's hot and attractive all I want is for my h to tell me that I'm the only woman he has ever loved. When I think of those drunken incidences of him kissing random women.....I want him to tell me that he was being stupid and ridiculous and thank god for his friends who stopped it from going further.

Noex, you have moved past needing to know.....I think I need to as well because I don't think it's about needing to know at all....it's more about letting my h soothe me when I'm hurting and reassuring me. I think my probing is making him very anxious.....he is scared I'm going to change my mind about letting him come home (as if). At the moment he is away for a few days overseas with his two very best friends but not enjoying it very much, is missing me and very anxious,  just wants to come home.

So I'm going to back off. I still have a few questions which I will ask but knowing that the answer is not the goal but rather the reconnecting between us.
[/quote]

[hopeandfaith]

Some great reflection here Mae.  Good on you for digging a bit deeper into your motivations and not just digging into H's.

Wishing you all the best

[No expectations]

Mae,

I second what Hope said.  You were able to examine your own self, that is what I try to do as well.  We have no control of our MLC'ers, but if we take this time to become the best US we can be, we have used this time in the best possible way.

Hugs!

[Mae]

Well I had a pretty bad night last night. Why do I torture myself endlessly?

I went back and re-read the messages between H and FEA......even though it was by all accounts a weak, tame thing......the things that WERE said still hurt horribly. So many things bothered me, H repeatedly telling Prettygirl she was hot and very attractive to bolster her self-esteem issues, the back and forth for hours over two days until late into the night, the mutual acknowledgement of the attraction between them, the planning to do exercise sessions together, references to pledges and oaths (again relating to self-esteem issues), the acknowledgement that things between them were sometimes veering off from the 'friend zone'. Now this was a woman who H had found attractive some time ago. And then he lied about who she worked with, he told me she was in BF's team but in fact I think she worked more closely with him than he led me to believe.....so he LIED....he actually lied and he tried to fob me off about it too....said he couldn't remember him telling me that but I wrote it down, why would I write that he said she was in BF's team if he hadn't said it. This is the first time I have caught him in a lie......so STAYED was right in the end when she said THEY ALL LIE.

Now if he can lie about that....what else has he lied about? It makes me question everything he has told me. And honestly if I disclosed what I found on his browser history, it makes for very suspicious reading....and I have questioned him repeatedly about it....but he swears he has not done anything beyond drunken kisses with random girls.....SO fine. I do believe that FEA did not progress beyond what I read and that the friendship was already in steady decline especially when he changed roles.

I hate the knowledge gaps.....even though just before I posted that I would give up trying to fill them in....I'm getting fixated on them again. H is very focused on coming home and we are reconnecting but I can't let these things go to focus on what is happening NOW.

He is out of the country too and back home on Tuesday so I can't even discuss anything with him....so here I sit with my questions and suspicions....going nowhere just festering away.

What galls me too is that he ran away after one night with me and then spent the next two days chatting with her until late at night  ....telling her she's hot and attractive...while I was at home hurting with our daughter 

[Savoir Faire]

You are actually torturing yourself Mae, it does us no good to keep revisiting the things our MLCers say or do, they do all lie and cheat and do other things our 'real' husbands wouldn't but that's MLC for you

What your H did was wrong but you have a choice how you react to that.  Sure it hurts that he finds another woman attractive, we never think our H's will actually start texting or talking to other women but they do. 

Try to focus on you again and stop replaying all the things he has done.  They have already happened and can't be changed so accept what happened as his madness and decide who to be in relation to that.

[Mae]

You are actually torturing yourself Mae, it does us no good to keep revisiting the things our MLCers say or do, they do all lie and cheat and do other things our 'real' husbands wouldn't but that's MLC for you

What your H did was wrong but you have a choice how you react to that.  Sure it hurts that he finds another woman attractive, we never think our H's will actually start texting or talking to other women but they do. 

Try to focus on you again and stop replaying all the things he has done.  They have already happened and can't be changed so accept what happened as his madness and decide who to be in relation to that.

SF....you are RIGHT....I am torturing myself....and your advice that things have already happened and can't be changed....right about that and also about how I am reacting to it. I'm torturing myself because  I can't fit the pieces together and I am now imaging what they might be.

I need to stop....but I can't. I will only stop now when I am satisfied with his answers, when I fit all the pieces together so that I won't be guessing or imagining. This feels nearly as bad as BD.

[Savoir Faire]

If you expect the answers your H gives you to make sense and give you some peace, you many be setting yourself up for some more hurt.

The problem about asking questions of the MLCer is that we know the answers we want to receive and when we don't get them, it hurts all the more.

You are expecting him to be rational and truthful and he can't possibly be that person right now.  The conversation may not be the best plan.

When the emotion has gone out of your current feelings the answers you receive will not matter anymore.  The reason for this place telling you to detach is exactly that.  There is no longer hurt attached to what the MLCer says because there is no attachment to the answers.

[UrsaMajor]

I need to stop....but I can't. I will only stop now when I am satisfied with his answers, when I fit all the pieces together so that I won't be guessing or imagining. This feels nearly as bad as BD.

Then, to be brutally blunt, you are well and truly screwed.... MLC Logic is 1 + 1 = green dancing llamas.  You might as well try tasting blue... with your elbow......

You will NOT get a straight answer that makes sense to a rational person as long as you are dealing with someone in MLC. It really IS just that simple.

What you need to be doing is taking HIS answers OUT of the equation. Fit the pieces together for yourself - without his input. THEN they will make sense. If you keep trying to put his "input" into the equation, you will keep coming up with an irrational number as a result....

"Doctor, it REALLY hurts when I stab myself in the nose with this Meat Fork!"

"Well then STOP STABBING YOURSELF IN THE NOSE WITH THE MEAT FORK!"

That is what detaching is all about... There is NOTHING that the Mid-Lifer can say (especially since about 0% of what they say is really true anyway) until they are out of the tunnel and trying to reconnect (if they ever do) that is going to allow you to put all the pieces together and to stop guessing and imagining. That is why you need to understand that this is NOT about YOU. This is HIS crisis. Detaching your emotional state from his roller coaster allows you stop guessing or imagining because it will NOT MATTER ANYMORE!  Why? Because there is NOTHING about it that you can control... period... Basta.  Ende.... Over and out! You have as much of a chance of guessing right as you do guessing next weeks Lottery numbers......

[beyondblessed]

Stayed, SF, UM......they are all right, Mae.  Lies, deceit, theft, running. ...all script, all MLC.  As for answers....sorry, but, hahaha.  He doesn't have any answers that will be truthful and satisfying for you.  Detachment from him is the best solution and only recourse if you truly want to have peace.  You cannot truly move forward while trying to pull the past into to your present.  If your past wants to have a future with you, it will have to take the necessary steps and make the required strides to get to that place.  Nothing you do or say is going to make that happen.  Simply put, his behavior and choices are beyond your control.