[LearningIamOk]

Mae, I said to my xH when we were done, that I really wanted to have answers to get closure for myself. He told me to send him an email asking what I wanted to know. I actually sat down at the computer and started typing questions. Then I decided, why would I want to hear all his BS answers? He doesn't know why he left. He doesn't know why he cheated.

As an example, in the goodbye email he sent to me said he hated his job and he didn't want to do it anymore. Brainiac that he is, he works for HIMSELF. Then sell the business. Do something else. Firetrucking idiot!

You will never get an answer, at least not a true one.

[beyondblessed]

Oh boy, Learning!!  Still just when I thought I'd heard it all...hates his job, but works for himself.  Yep, that makes perfect sense.  Always on top of it, those MLC'ers.   

[LearningIamOk]

beyond, I know, really? He has total control over his life and he has to walk out on the M because he hates his life and I must be the cause of it. Yep, perfect sense.

[Mae]

Mae, I said to my xH when we were done, that I really wanted to have answers to get closure for myself. He told me to send him an email asking what I wanted to know. I actually sat down at the computer and started typing questions. Then I decided, why would I want to hear all his BS answers? He doesn't know why he left. He doesn't know why he cheated.

As an example, in the goodbye email he sent to me said he hated his job and he didn't want to do it anymore. Brainiac that he is, he works for HIMSELF. Then sell the business. Do something else. Firetrucking idiot!

You will never get an answer, at least not a true one.

Um.....I have already sat down and written out the questions in an email to ask him. I was hoping he would answer them. They are unsent.

I won't see him until Saturday. I am doing quite well I think......I MADE myself STOP thinking about it.......I thought of other things instead. It does no good to think about all the hurt and horrible things he may or may not have done, he is not here to either give me reassurance or tell me different. So when I decided to stop torturing myself I felt much better. I realised again I am in control of my thoughts AND my reactions and I can choose how I feel and how I react...so I'm glad I 're-learned that'.

I am not really seeking answers to the WHY......like SF said I just have to put it down to the MLC crazy....and that's fine I can do that. I am seeking answers to the WHAT? What happened?

Half-truths....fudging.....forgetfulness....I've had these as answers, I am still really pushing for 'truth' or if not that then honesty about what happened and when, because my gut tells me there's more to it than what he is saying. Do I need to know? I need to know if he is lying about the things he told me.....you will all say that lying and deceit goes hand in hand with the MCLer.....that as soon as they are opening their mouth they are lying......maybe so, but I want to see and hear that for myself.

H is through his depression.....he can look back and tell me what he did and when he did it....will he? I don't know, all I know is that if he can't be honest with me then our marriage moving forward will be based on lies. I just hope he loves and trusts me enough to be totally open and honest....it won't change my love or commitment for him....if anything total honesty will be the thing that binds me to him more than ever even if they are things that will hurt deeply.

[Savoir Faire]

I do think you are setting yourself up for a big fall Mae but it's your life and you do get to choose your battles with your H.

I don't know if your H is through his depression or not but he doesn't sound very 'together' yet.  I would think that he needs a lot of psychotherapy before he is ready to re-commit to your marriage and he has been BDing you way too many times over the years fir there not to be something very wrong with him.

Without proper answers considering your first BD was back in 2007? - I don't think you could ever trust him not to run again and having him live with you and always having the threat of him going again over your head - I think if it were me I'd be saying goodbye, just to protect my own heart. It's a BIG ask to take back someone who has done what your H has over such a long time and maybe you could do with  thrashing out with a psychologist why you are willing to keep forgiving him over and over.

You both need to be very clear about your reasons for being together and would benefit from professional help so your mind is in the right place for reconciliation.

[Mae]

Yep SF....no guarantees that this won't happen all over again you are right.

I do think we have identified why this keeps happening with my H and what we can do to stop this mad cycle.

But you are right too we may need professional help to untangle it all. Someone here described one LBS's decision to stick by their MCLer wife ....I can't remember it exactly but the image remained so strong in me....and that's how I feel with my H....the image was of not leaving your spouse behind when they have fallen....and oh how she had fallen, but the loyalty and love of the husband saw past that to the beloved inside. I am crap at describing it....but I remember feeling that I would be that person for my H.

[Mae]

So H got back into the country early this morning and we have been catching up via text and phone calls.

I have plans to see him this weekend and D14 also has a sports tournament over two days (Sat & Sun). I asked D14 if H could come watch....she said yes but NO talking. I told H that......

No response after I told him that. I text him 'You ok?'.....nothing. Not sure what he expects....it's like he doesn't comprehend the severe damage he has done to his relationship with D14...or he's forgotten what he's done or what has happened between them in the recent past...hello!! Big blowup in April where you said all the wrong things! Hello D14 reads your facebook messaging with FEA where you are telling FEA she's hot and attractive and then a mutual acknowledgement of the attraction and planning get-togethers.

Clueless......consequences do your thing! I'm not chasing him to soothe his feelings.

[UrsaMajor]

Exactly.....  H will have to repair the R with D as he is the one that bodged it.....

Not your job to deal with it. You passed the information on from D to him. HE now has to deal with the consequences....

[Mae]

So H did have a big moment processing the fact that he can't even talk to his own daughter on the weekend. What he came up with is that maybe he should stay away permanently so that his and my relationship doesn't negatively impact on mine and D14's relationship....so he would sacrifice our relationship for mine and D's.  I told him to stop talking stupid and feeling sorry for himself. He claimed he wasn't.

I find I am struggling to spend any quality time with my H. My weekends are very busy with D's sporting commitments and this one goes over two days. I wanted to spend two nights with H at his apartment but realistically I will probably only get to spend one. Next weekend is out because it is D14's birthday (she will then be D15) and we have a busy weekend planned and I can't fit a visit with H in.

There is still a lot of things I need to sort out with H but I want to do it face-to-face....maybe I have to resort to sending those emails I have sitting in my drafts box so I can get some answers.

[UrsaMajor]

What he came up with is that maybe he should stay away permanently so that his and my relationship doesn't negatively impact on mine and D14's relationship....so he would sacrifice our relationship for mine and D's.  I told him to stop talking stupid and feeling sorry for himself. He claimed he wasn't.

Not sure which one is more appropriate....



or




Next thing you know, he'll be telling you how he even closes his windows at night so there will be more fresh air for you and D....

I don't want to sound like Nelly Negativity or the Prophet of Doom but it sounds like he's looking for a "Get Out of Jail Free" card so he can go guilt free...

Or he has a serious Martyr complex...

You called it right when you said to stop feeling sorry for himself... He ought to man up, suck it down and work on HIS relationship with his D... Your R with D is just fine....