[Thunder]

Just wanted to agree with Ready.

A narcissist does not just come out of the closet in a MLC.  You would know WAY before then.
These people have no conscience or empathy for anyone but themselves.

My 1st H was a narc, but I didn't understand what was wrong for a long time.
I was young and could not understand how he never felt sorry for anyone, not even his kids.
The whole world revolved completely around him.

It may look like narcissism or Bi-Polar, but a MLC is something all together different.

I would say if your spouse was a kind, loving person before this crisis he doesn't have a mental disorder.

[What now]

I have a question about monster.

I know how to deal with it-not my circus, not my monkeys and hand them their guilt back at times.

But is there anything you can do to calm things down? Seems to me, every time I try to calm things down, it doesn't work! I say "I'm sorry you feel that way", he replies "no you're not, you don't care about anything any more".

This week he's said I'm only civil when I want something (projection). I've only initiated contact twice since BD (business reasons, S had an accident and I needed to find out MLCers earnings for last year).

I just want to get things on a nicer playing field. I think he is high energy and he's in escape and avoid. Is there anything I can do to calm things down or will it (maybe) calm down in his time???

[Songanddance]

My question is do you all feel he's progressing through the tunnel, possibly in one of the depression phases? if so where?

Pascam  If your BD was 18 Feb this year then your H is well and truly in replay.  The MLC clock starts ticking at BD and not before.  If that were the case then my H has been in MLC since 2006 at least...but that was the pre BD denial phase and who knows when that actually started.  So BD is the date we "measure" the crisis.

How much of the articles have you read as the whole crisis is rooted in depression - I suspect you mean liminality and if so that is some time away. The average length of time for replay is 3-7 years and remember replay is part of escape and avoid which is the "stage" after denial. Escape and avoid can go on for much longer than replay.

I do not say this to depress you but to help you stop stage watching as such.  All MLCers progress through the tunnel but it seems that clinging boomerangs (and your posts suggest that your H may be one) progress faster.  RCR is very clear on this - they are not progressing faster they just cycle quicker and move from monster to normal to touch and go to monster etc.....  but their progress through the tunnel is not necessarily any quicker than a vanisher or off and on contacter.

Remember too that monster can be charming, nice, friendly and not always angry. It's a form of manipulation and eventually you will begin to see through that.

So sorry Pascam - your H is well and truly in replay and you will be at this game for much longer.  Try to take your eyes off what your H is doing and focus on yourself.

[pacasam]

S and D  I know he's in replay and I've read the articles and don't want to read them to the point of having them memorized. LOL  My question was about how he's progressing or if he's progressing.....meaning if he's improving and actually working on himself.  My H is living elsewhere so I don't get to watch and see.  I have been doing mirror work despite what people who have no idea what I'm doing think.  I do realize it's as if he's trying to relive his 20s right now as he's living with an old friend from his 20s.  They are present living in public housing.  Unfortunately I know this friend is more on the toxic side then anything else...meaning when his parents died (his parents had mega bucks) he blew it on alcohol.  Like I said I'm not trying to be stage obsessive....my mirror work doesn't allow me the time for that.

[1phoenix]

What now,

I think each monster is as different as each spouse is.  If you know what does not work, maybe the opposite will work? 

Calming things down,IMO, has totally to do with our attitude and control of ourselves in the situation. If you are calm, he should start to respond in the same manner.

[What now]

Thanks, 1phoenix.

I've tried everything and he just argues with it all! I am calm, treating him as I would one of my kids when they start trying to get their way.

He has started to mirror me though. I told him a few days ago I was bored of his "everything is all your fault" routine. Now he's saying to me ”so I guess everything is my fault" 😂 tempted to tell him none of this is my choosing!

He seems to calm down when I stand up to him and give him a few home truths but it's only temporary.

I will keep trying and hope he starts running out of steam soon. Thanks again

[Songanddance]

S and D  I know he's in replay and I've read the articles and don't want to read them to the point of having them memorized. LOL  My question was about how he's progressing or if he's progressing.....meaning if he's improving and actually working on himself.

Ok - but you won't know that until he is out of replay.  Most MLCers are progressing through the tunnel and the majority of them do not have any clue about working on themselves and improving. Most if not all of them think that whatever is happening to them is always somebody else's fault.  Usually it has to get worse before it gets better and that is an unknown time line.

Re the articles - you will be surprised at how much you will read them again and again and find something new each time.  That is part of your mirror work. I am four years in and in the early stages of reconnection - I still return to them and find fresh thoughts and understanding.

[pacasam]

S&D well like I said right now my own mirror work is keeping me pretty busy.  But even while doing my own mirror work it doesn't stop me from thinking about him and hoping and praying for him.  I know he's not the monster that he used to be, but the monster is still there.  In other words it's not spewing but will spew if given the chance and the few times I have dealt with him I've tried to not let him know that I see the monster on the surface and try not to engage in a way that it would speak up.  The last time it spoke up was in the beginning of May since then it's been the surface monster.  I'm the only one that knows him well enough to even notice this surface monster.  Heck his sister's never even saw the spewing monster because of the good guy persona.  He knows there's a monster but he prefers it to be called an alien. LOL

For those wondering what I'm talking about when I say surface monster... it's the little things that are barely noticeable after the spewing monster is gone.  Only those of us that know our spouses best would recognize the surface monster.  In my H....the pupils are presently (as of the last time I saw him) gone as in he's only got the whites of his eyes and then the color of his eyes.  The black in his eyes no longer appear there.  I think that may be a sign of how the MLC is affecting him.  If he were on drugs the pupils would fill the color of the eyes not the other way around.  Then there's how he handles himself as in body movements....head movements and physical reactions in general that only I know well enough to know whether it's normal or not.  Notice how most of that is on the surface stuff?

[1phoenix]

What Now,

Why do you not tell him that what is going on is not of your choice?  If that is your truth, why are you not standing in it?

[gman242]

S&D thanks for the summary reminder! My clinging boomerang keeps cycling and cycling .. And shes only been charming monster since regular monster was only at BD