[Thunder]

What now, I think they wear different masked for different people.  What you see, may not be what others see.
"Well, he seems happy."

Well sure when they put that "happy" mask on their pretty good at convincing others, but they CAN'T fool you.
You know them better than anyone else, and it makes them angry.  That's what sometimes bring out the Monster.

I think to answer your question, from all I've read in the beginning they do go back and forth between themselves and completely changing.  Their not quite in the thick fog yet.  Part of them is still in there.

I'm so sorry your d has to see her dad like this.  She sounds pretty smart for her age. 
She can see that isn't her dad.

Her explanation about him still loving you but is confused is amazing.
You just wonder if he said things to her or if she is coming up with this in her head.  Either way it's pretty mature for 9 year old.

Maybe she senses he is pretending with the ow.  Has she met her?

[pacasam]

It seems the only person he has "changed" with is me. Oh, and his mum. They were close but distant before but they're even closer now. Also, his step-mum. They were close before but, because she speaks her mind to him and doesn't let him disrespect me, he has monstered on her a couple of times. He seems to monster on anybody who stands up to him.

So, to my knowledge, he's only REALLY changed with me. Relationship with mum has gotten closer and step-mum more strained. Almost as if they have swapped places.

D has noticed a change in him too. Surely, if they were a different person completely, they would change with everyone and not just the LBS?

I totally understand what you are saying.  I see a lot of that too in my H.  The only one he has changed with is me.  His sister's don't really see what I've seen and I've told the one that.  His one sister is suspecting that something is going on but she can't pinpoint it and because of her compulsive lying I can't possibly be telling the truth.  I'm sure a lot of that has to do with if she admitted it then she'd have to admit her own issues and change them and she doesn't want to do that, afterall it'd make her a better person.   
I think my H is working his way through the replay.  He made an interesting sarcastic comment the other day about daughter's getting their way w/the parents because the d's are spoiled mama's girls.  But get this he grew up a big time mama's boy and of course both of his parents are gone now. 
Will be interesting to see if he remembers today is the first anniversary of my mom's passing.  I don't expect him to and if he does I'll be floored!

[What now]

Ah Thunder! Light bulb moment.  That makes complete sense. That's why he gets angry when I tell him other people might take in his bullsh!te but not to expect me to!

Yes, unfortunately. 5 weeks after BD, he admitted to being with her but denies point blank he was cheating. I told him under no circumstances should he introduce the kids to her unless they had been together for a long while and we should both agree when that should be and tell them together. He agreed and said they were our kids and nothing to do with her.

 6 weeks after BD, he takes the kids and they were introduced. I was no happy at all. They were still trying to get over our split and he gave them something else to deal with.

7 weeks after BD, they are trying to blend families (my D doesn't get along with her boys, 3 of them under 6 and S just tries to fight with them so it was unsuccessful. ow just started leaving her kids with her mum and spending the day with MLCer and my kids. A couple of times she just stayed in bed all day bit she NEEDED to be there).

9 weeks after BD, they're engaged.

They had their engagement party on Saturday night and he messaged me randomly. The kids still aren't aware and he thinks I'm not either. I live in a town where good news travels fast but bonkers news travels quicker. I know my relationship moved much slower but I had much more self respect and respect for others than ow has. She's a hot mess too

Pacasam - this adds to the crazy, doesn't it? When you tell people and they say they don't see it.

My D is on the autism spectrum (S is suspected to be too). I compare MLCer to her. She meltsdown (like a tantrum when she's been overwhelmed but she isn't in control of it) with me and only me. I was complaining to a friend who has a lot of experience in childcare. She said "you know, it might be annoying but its actually a massive compliment. Nobody but you gets to see the real D. That means she trusts you implicitly to be who she is in front of you and for you to not judge or be turned away by it." That's what I think MLCers do.

[pacasam]

Pacasam - this adds to the crazy, doesn't it? When you tell people and they say they don't see it.

Yes it is crazy and w/this one sister of his it's BEYOND crazy!!!  She's got image problems as in has to be dressed to the nine.  Puckered red lips  The older barbie doll figure and expression on her face including the practically golf ball sized eyes and she thinks I'm the incompetent one!?!  ROTFL  She needs to think again!!  Note this is the sister of H's that was our landlord that evicted us!!

[1phoenix]

Silly question, but where does the looking cra@@y step fit in?  Have seen someone at work go from always looking put together to not wearing marching socks!!!!!

[strongFaith34]

My H was going through some of his old things and his dad's things who passed away a long time ago, for an MLCer who has suppressed negative emotions his entire life, I feel this was one of the triggers of his MLC. What triggered your H's MLC?

I also wonder if this is why MLCers leave most their stuff when they move out and don't want to step into their old houses or if this is why they push the divorce and sale of the house so they have no emotional triggers?

[1phoenix]

OM,

Maybe they are selfish, cruel, mean and cowards?

[kitty133]

I have a question about the OW. I know I need to stop obsessing over her as she is an affair down in every way but I continue to struggle with this. I keep reading on here that she is a symptom of his crisis and nothing more but  the more I read on here it seems like many of these relationships are still going on and it scares me. Am I right?

[nah]

I have a question about the OW. I know I need to stop obsessing over her as she is an affair down in every way but I continue to struggle with this. I keep reading on here that she is a symptom of his crisis and nothing more but  the more I read on here it seems like many of these relationships are still going on and it scares me. Am I right?

Kitty... you just hit upon the most talked about subject.

First I'll give you the short version that you can repeat again and again in your head.

My then 20-yr-old son said to me just days after BD, "Mom, he wasn't looking for someone better than you, he was looking for someone worse than himself"

He nailed it.  That's what they are looking for and that's what they get.

Would you hook up with a married man?  I don't care what he said to you, would you do it?  Only pathetic, insecure, selfish girls will hook up with a married man.  Period.  Discussion over.

So why do they sometimes stay?

Here's my personal story....

My ex-husband (I call him the Leaver) is marrying the girl now that they have been together for five years (the first two while he was married to me).

Well then, that proves it, right?  He had to leave the crazy and pathetic Nah, b/c he was in love and the young girl is not that bad, b/c they are still together AND getting married.  It's like a fairy tale.

HA!.... That's the fairy tale they want the world to believe, b/c she is pathetic, selfish (and crazy insane jealous of me and maybe the most controlling creature that exists on this earth).... and he is a sad little coward.

It's all smoke and mirrors my friend.

The first year after he left I would beg a good friend of his for information.  This friend and the Leaver saw each other every week and I just had to know if the Leaver and his girl were happy and in love.  This friend said, "Nah, all men fantasize about young girls, divorce happens."  I was heartbroken.

Time passed, I gave up asking.

A year later I ran into this friend and he frantically pulled me into his office and had to get it off his chest.

"EVERYBODY HATES THEM!!!!!"  He filled me with stories of how the Leaver stomps around angry all the time and how the girl is a "stupid tw@t that everybody hates... she controls his every move"  He had too many stories to write them all here.... but over the top cra cra crazy.

So he was kicked out of his band.
Fired from his high profile job (the girl was involved in that too).
Lost friends, family, respect, integrity, his retirement, all his favorite hobbies (incl. motorcycle, she won't ride)
On and on and on.....

Oh it gets better (well for me, worse for him)

Even though he is an almost vanisher, we had a long conversation on the phone a few months back, these are HIS words....

"I wake up every single fire trucking morning and get physically sick about what has happened.  I think about you and what we had every single day.  I feel like I'm living someone else's life"

So I asked him (I think I surprised him that I even knew the news)...

"So, then, why are you getting married?"

Silence for a few seconds then, "I don't know".

Oh I know.... the coward can't stop the train wreck that he created.  How is he now after 5 years of destruction going to turn around and say, everyone was right from the beginning and he was wrong?

He can't.... he a big fat stupid coward.

End of story.

[Medusa]

Kitty, Nah is exactly right that they needed someone worse than themselves.

Many MLCers are incapable of being alone. Also, I believe that the OW is not a random person but someone who is able to help them correct sometng from their past. My X told he he had been searching for a long time, and I believe him on that one.

MLC is a very long process, so many of these relationships are going to last a long time. X and OW have been together four and a half years. They live together. And? He's still a mess as far as I know. OW is horribly controlling and possibly a narcissist. She will probably do whatever she must to get the ring before her true self comes out. He's too weak to see her for what she's is.

And he's too much of a coward to say he screwed up. Look at Nah's: same basic story. He doesn't sound like a man who is deleriously happy and cannot wait to get married. He sounds to me like a man caught in a corner and doesn't know how to extricate himself.