[sparklestar]

What do vanishers watch for though?

Surely out of sight out of mind.

If they are so sure if their choice why watch? And how do we know they are watching?

I know my H was back before Jan it was then I booted him off Instagram though my profile is public. He's not on Facebook anymore and I rarely post. We live in different towns and we don't have common friends we physically see I'm connected to his friends on social media but I doubt H would ask them.

So maybe they try not to look or check or watch?

[Blondie]

Hi Nah ☺ I did wonder that, he's not needed any of it for the last three years (much like your leaver's golf clubs) 
The last time my H collected anything (Nov 2015), he would have been able to see his things had started to diminish. I think I am just going to get my solicitor to write to him.

[nah]

Definitely protect yourself.,. That's number one.

Their words and their actions rarely match.

Once the grass isn't greener really starts to become real, they need an excuse to take a peek at what they left.

[Loyal]

That`s very sad Nas but you seem to be a very strong lady and in a good place mentally.

Somebody mentioned in another thread that in a lot of cases Vanishers are too cowardly to face their LBSers. I can well imagine that this will apply to my P too. He was a living at home CB for a total of 7 years, with the exception of his disappearing acts on two occasions last year, last April/May for 8 days and last November for a total of 4 weeks.

He finally left without saying a word on the 18th of April and is doing everything humanly possible to ruin me. I cannot imagine him ever being able to look me in the eye again in the case that he should happen to come out of his MLC fog one day and also manages to kick his addiction. It`s heartbreaking as I know that somewhere buried very, very deep inside of him is the P that I have loved for so many years and am still finding it hard to believe that he could be so evil.

[Shocked]

Thank you all so much for pulling back up!!! I feel like I should apologize to his parents for not seeking them out. I feel like I should take the high road. Is that a mistake? I'm constantly second guessing myself!!!
 
Blondie, your are right to let the lawyers tell him those items are no longer his. If there is actually stuff you want to give him send him a note that you will leave the items on your porch at a specific time.  Then don't be home or have a friend there instead of you.

Sparkle you raised good questions. I have no answers!

[Ro828]

I have been lurking for quite a while now and have contemplated responding to this topic and decided today's the day.

I am not new to MLC.  I have years under my belt and can share with you that I have a true vanisher in every sense of the word.  I have not seen or heard from my ex in 8 years.  He never looked back once we were divorced.  There was an affaired down OW and a lot of addictions that sucked him further into his vortex.

I have worked hard to become the woman I am today but I won't lie that there are still remnants of the hurt and wondering if I'll ever hear from him again.
We had no children so it's highly unlikely our paths will cross again.

I believe shame, guilt and avoidance keeps him away.

[BrenM]

I believe shame, guilt and avoidance keeps him away.

Welcome Ro828

8 years...wow!  Please share with us all, when you can.  Mlc really sucks.

You hit the nail on the head - it is the shame and guilt which makes them run away.  They are cowards!

[nah]

I believe shame, guilt and avoidance keeps him away.

WOW.... 8 years is a very long time.

If you feel like you can handle it, have you thought about contacting him instead of waiting for him to make the first move?

I'm not talking reconciliation, just a HI I was thinking of you and hope you are doing OK, kind of thing.

[Ro828]

Ross,

Thank you for the kind welcome. 

I'll be brief with my history.  BD Oct. '06.  Stood for 2 yrs.  Divorced Feb '09.  He affaired down with a rather troubled alcoholic, substance abused individual.  He exhibited all the signs of a MLer.  Depressed, angry, shark eyes.  Financially went crazy.  She made him feel the hero.  He wanted a different love and life.  I received the 'ILYBNILWY'. 

He left the first time for 3 months then came back for one year only to find out he was still in contact with the crazy OW.   He left me on her birthday.  Next time I saw him was at mediation (didn't even recognize him in the hallway).  Then at divorce.  Never once has he tried contacting me.  Nor me him.  It's now been a decade.  His new life resembles nothing of his old.


Nah,

I have read many of your posts and you seem very wise.

Yes, I have thought about contacting him but it's only in thought.  Sadly, this weekend would have been our anniversary.  I don't contact him for several reasons.  For starters, I don't believe he wants to hear from me.  Secondly, I believe he married the OW.  Third, I'm not quite sure he has come out of his crisis and if he hasn't it wouldn't bode well.  Those are to name a few as to why I don't contact. I have others. 

The old him was riddled with shame, guilt and avoidance instilled by his upbringing.  I don't ever see him having the strength to contact me.  He'll just keep pressing forward with the new life he's carved out for himself.  Deluding himself that he's happy.  Then again maybe he is.  That's what's hard about having a vanisher, you don't know.   Lots of unanswered questions.

[stillbaffled]

Welcome Ro828. 

Wow - you have quite the vanisher.  I'm glad you dropped in to join our discussion.  I hope you'll stick around.  We can be a pretty fun group when we really get our game on!