[ChrissYAH]

well the x ran off and divorced me and I think he married his ow, but he's no great loss.

[BrenM]

Have you got confirmation of the marriage.   Oh boy these Mlcer's are surely mixed up

[Tyks]

I wondered if vanishers don't want a D because one they the money issue comes into play. They lose assets and have to start paying courted ordered support but the second reason is the OP is no longer a fantasy life person. The OP is going to start expecting more from them in terms of a R. A commitment. It some cases the MLCer does marry but it doesn't seem like it of deep love but more another quick fix.

Who knows, shocked. What I can tell you from my situation is we had a legal separatiion agreement done in april. Everything is split so there is no reason really to not divorce. There is a lot of paperwork for divorce, as you know, so mine is definitely lazy. I had to order the marriage certificate in order to file and then I had to fill all the papers out and have him served. Now there is a step two... more paperwork. If he wasnt so lazy he could offer to do that but why should he? I have been carrying his a$$ for 22 years, may as well take it to the finish line.  If I wait for him I will never be divorced and I dont want to be married anymore.

[Tyks]

Lulu, I agree with Brenross and I think you should stick to your guns. I have no idea if my stbxh has an ow or not but if he did I cannot imagine what you guys go through. I would have a really hard time healing... it is hard enough healing without an ow.

[nah]

This is my opinion only and I am no way an expert as I now have a zero relationship with my daughter but a great one with my son.

I told the kids everything the day after BD. I now wish I hadn't but I was in shock.

Once I got a little on my feet I tried not to have any influence on their opinions. I confess I didn't do a great job as it became common for me to have attacks, disappear for days and I was often on the phone with friends talking about the situation.  I'm sure they heard more than they should have... I can't take any of that back and I feel it's a factor, not completely but a factor for me losing my daughter.

Now I'm 100% encouraging of my son to have a good relationship with his father. The girl can't replace me, for my son AND daughter, again I feel she is a nonfactor. Could I have made it a big deal and ask son not to go to the wedding?of course, and if asked he would have stayed home. What would have that accomplished?

No im glad my son talks to his dad. I wouldn't want it any other way.

That way I can carry zero guilt for my family's destruction. My daughter and the Leaver abandoned me, not the other way around. ... and I carry no responsibility for any animosity between family members that I can influence.

Karma is about me and no one else. I only wish the best for their relationships and hope that will come back to me in the future.

[lulu]

I understand that completely Nah.  It's just that they feel strongly that they want their dad to see them and to realize that he should be considering them.  He was gone for so long and coming back they want to trust him again that he will be there for them. I think kids thought that if he continued to see them once he moved out of his parents' house then they would definitely consider it.  But the moment he moved out he vanished again....from them.  He was able to hang out with his parents and her, but not them.  Once he sent an email to one of them but it was about him.  I have told him that they want to hang out with him for a while, that's all it takes....I don't know why he doesn't hear this?

Bren, he does have depression....he's been hospitalized more than once.  It's a messed up situation....sometimes I feel he plays the guilt card to manipulate me in to feeling sorry for him so he can have his way.  At some point he needs to take ownership of his actions, it's been 5 years of this.  I'm not trying to downgrade depression or any other mental illness....sorry if I have offended anyone.

Thanks everyone.

[ChrissYAH]

Have you got confirmation of the marriage.   Oh boy these Mlcer's are surely mixed up

No Bren, no confirmation but he will if he hasn't.

[BrenM]

Bren, he does have depression....he's been hospitalized more than once.  It's a messed up situation....sometimes I feel he plays the guilt card to manipulate me in to feeling sorry for him so he can have his way.  At some point he needs to take ownership of his actions, it's been 5 years of this.  I'm not trying to downgrade depression or any other mental illness....sorry if I have offended anyone.

Lulu...You have not offended anyone.  He is being a convenience father....when it is convenient for him....on his terms as he sees fit.  He has not shown any consideration for his own kids, this is sad. Yes you hit the nail on the head....he needs to take ownership....not hide behind his depression or OW.  He alone needs to rectify his relationship with his kids.  He damaged the bond alone, his decision, the OW is a nonfactor (thanks Nah....I like that word lol) so therefore should not be involved in any repairs of the father-child relationship.

[BrenM]

Have you got confirmation of the marriage.   Oh boy these Mlcer's are surely mixed up

No Bren, no confirmation but he will if he hasn't.

Put your ear close to the ground.  Your OW is older....maybe she isn't in a rush like the rest of us?  Don't listen to gossips though, the truth will come out.

[BrenM]

I told the kids everything the day after BD. I now wish I hadn't but I was in shock.

I did too....there was no way that I was going to tell my kids any more lies then what they had been exposed to.  However, my kids where all teenagers.  I would definitely not do that to younger children.  Guess it is an age appropriate thing?

ATM I am not encouraging the kids to have contact with their father.  Whilst he is in super monster mode in a big way, I believe I am protecting them.  And they all need it. I do not talk bad about my H and never will, I just say that it is just not him ATM.  I tell them that I am disappointed in what he is doing, and I don't know why he is doing the things he is doing, but so,etching is not right with him ATM.  He is still their father and always will be, but at the moment he is infatuated with the ow and his single life he has forgotten how to be a dad.   I know that will change sooner or later.  Blood is thicker than Ow Water 😜