[Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)]

Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)

Denial (shock, confusion)

1 (1.7%)

Bargaining (trying to figure out why, planning, adjusting)

1 (1.7%)

Anger (fear, resentment)

3 (5.1%)

Depression (despair, exhaustion)

13 (22%)

Acceptance (detachment, calm, control)

33 (55.9%)

Renewal

8 (13.6%)

Total Members Voted: 59

Voting closed: October 27, 2017, 04:41:15 AM

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I sympathize with your mother and feel badly for her because of what she went through. Nobody should have to go through something like that. I also sympathize with you and feel badly for you because of what you went through.

Your mother's statement diminished and invalidated your feelings. Was she allowed to say it? Of course. Was it insensitive and possibly unhelpful for you? Probably. You had just received a devastating blow and you were told to go work in your gardens and put it behind you. The modification I made to your mother's statement didn't even reflect the true impact of what you went through because, not only did your husband in effect die, but he also betrayed you in the worst possible way.

IMO this is worse than experiencing the death of a spouse because it's so totally incomprehensible. The death of a spouse, even sudden death, can be understood. The world sometimes sucks, bad things happen, but how do you explain MLC to yourself, your family, and your friends, especially when you're told to go work in your garden, that he was just a man who left?

Like I said, I feel badly for your mother but I deeply sympathize with you. You needed and deserved support that you didn't get and that makes me sad.

[nah]

I only mentioned my mother's first husband.

Her second husband was my father.

He was a MLCer.  He lied, cheated, and cheated and cheated.  My father told me that the reason for their divorce was that my mother had "communication issues"    Too bad for him that the ow happened to be my friend's mother, so I knew the truth.  Then he disappeared and left my mother penniless (he had his own business and was an expert at hiding money).  I could fill pages with the sh!t my father pulled.  The Leaver came in and saved the day.  The Leaver told my mother that he would always be there for us, that my father was not a man.

So, she had been through it all.  (oh believe me there is more, yet still lives a life full of laughter and kindness)

Yes it was early but I still stand that she was right.   She's my mom, she's always right.

The point of my first post is....  if it was only about love for our spouse's than we would let them go without any pain.  If love is selfless and they want freedom, then we would freely let them go.

It's not about them, though, it's about us and our fears of abandonment ,fear of aging, and fear of dying alone.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I acknowledge your point and now I'll repeat mine. My wife was my best friend and I miss her. I'm not afraid of dying alone. I'm afraid of living alone, and without her I always feel alone. I could probably find a girlfriend. I think I might have enough to offer to make that possible, but I would still be alone. I'd just be alone while spending my time with somebody else. I couldn't do that. For me, that would be worse than being by myself.

[waiting4]

I acknowledge your point and now I'll repeat mine. My wife was my best friend and I miss her. I'm not afraid of dying alone. I'm afraid of living alone, and without her I always feel alone. I could probably find a girlfriend. I think I might have enough to offer to make that possible, but I would still be alone. I'd just be alone while spending my time with somebody else. I couldn't do that. For me, that would be worse than being by myself.

Hi Brain, I just want to say that I understand your feelings .My H was my BF and I miss him...

[nah]

So again, that's my point.

It's about us.

I loved the Leaver.  He was my first and my only until he walked out that door.  He was my best friend, my partner, my everything, too much of my everything, I built my entire world around him and the kids, and loved every minute of it.

HE wanted to leave.  I loved him enough to let him go.

Did it hurt?  Hurt like Hell but it was what he wanted.

Now that he's gone what should I do?  Spend the rest of my days wallowing in my own pity?  What kind of life is that?

My daughter left, my in-laws left (his sister was like a sister to me), friends of 25+ years turned their backs....
It sucks, but I can't control them, I can only control myself.  Would the old husband want me to moan and groan until I die, I sure wouldn't want that for him.

Why do you need "her" or "him" to not be alone, whether you are with someone else or by yourself?  Did we put that much on their shoulders?  That we depended on them for our happiness?  Again, that's not about them, it's about us.
We need to be responsible for our own happiness.

[Anjae]

Of course it is about us and how MLC has impacted(impacts) us. We are human, we feel things, we get hurt, we are/were in pain. That is perfectly normal.

There is a difference between being happy and being alone and between being alone and feeling lonely. I see nothing wrong with wanting to have a companion/not wanting to be alone.

You have a boyfriend, Nah. Therefore, you are not alone. I don't think is is fair of you to be dismissive of those who do not like or want to be alone. How long did you spend alone? Really alone, no man whatsoever in your life? No husband, no one night stands, no dates, no boyfriend? A few months? One year? A couple of years?

[MyBrainIsBroken]

My brain understands your point Nah. It's my heart that's having a hard time. I've told myself that I should find somebody else if I don't like being alone. Part of me wants to do it but I know it would be a mistake. I guess I need to wallow some more. Not in self-pity but in self-imposed loneliness.

Why do you need "her" or "him" to not be alone, whether you are with someone else or by yourself? 

I can't answer this question but it's how I feel. I also still miss my mother and my father even though my mother died in 2003 and my father died in 2007. I suspect I always will miss them but I don't believe that means that I was depending on them for my happiness. It means that their deaths left big holes in my life, holes that seem small compared to the hole that has appeared following the loss of my wife. I know the holes left by my parent's deaths are permanent. I don't believe I will ever find anyone who can fill the holes they left behind. I don't know what to think about the hole my wife left behind.

[xyzcf]

Last night, Saturday night, I felt very lonely as I often do on weekends. 8 years and there is nothing that I can do to prevent that feeling. Fortunately, I do often have activities on the weekend...but I still feel lonely. I miss the life we had. I miss him.

MBIB

My wife was my best friend and I miss her. I'm not afraid of dying alone. I'm afraid of living alone, and without her I always feel alone.

There are some of us who are always going to feel this way. Some of us, whose belief system doesn't allow them to become involved in another relationship, some of us who are still too broken to be in another relationship. Some of us who might not be able to find another partner....lord knows I have seen friends enter into relationships with devastating results. There are some of us who still deeply love our spouses....so how does that work in a new relationship?

No amount of logic or argument is going to change my mind or my heart. I truly think this is wrong, for him, for me and for our family. The best I can do is accept it and put up with the loneliness as best as I can.

Nah

HE wanted to leave.  I loved him enough to let him go.

Sorry Nah....I do not buy this at all. We did not love them enough to let them go..they left and we had no say in it.  They never asked our permission or our view of things.They left of their own accord and never looked back.

Did you really think you could have stopped him from going?

Perhaps, if I had even believed 5% that we were not right for one another, that our marriage was a sham, that we should not be together...I could have felt happier with the end result......but I never agreed to this and I do not like the situation I was left in...totally against my will. I continue to miss what I wanted in life, a family, to be loved by my husband, to grow old together and to continue to live our lives with one another.

MBIB

Maybe it's because we lost our best friend with no warning and no logical reason and we miss them.

As I said, some of us are not wired to be able to have another relationship. We are all different and there are quite a few who I know who feel the same way as MBIB and I do...another relationship isn't going to "fix" this.

[nah]

No he did not ask my permission.  What I'm saying is to let go.  I wanted to hold on, but I was only hurting myself.

....yes I never went long without a man in my life.

As MBIB said, having someone or not makes no difference of being lonely.  That is within ourselves.

If I didn't let go of the Leaver, whether or not I had a boyfriend would have zero impact on my loneliness.  I was lonely with my first boyfriend, bc I hadn't let go yet.  I was still wallowing in my own self-pity.  I happened to meet my current boyfriend when I was truly letting go. 

This thread is about stages, I think that is how this discussion started.  The only way to get to the next stage, acceptance, is to really let go.  The only other choice is to wallow until death.

We often talk about them getting stuck.  We talk about them projecting. 

Maybe we are the ones projecting.

[xyzcf]

Nah

As MBIB said, having someone or not makes no difference of being lonely.  That is within ourselves

We live in a society that often is about couples. When I was a couple, I had many invitations, many events to attend. I belong to a group of people who live alone...and we all agree that once we were no longer a couple, the invitations are few and far between. Never the less, it is not about invitations, but the intimacy of having someone to share in your life with. We can be totally ok with ourselves and our loneliness and it is fine to express, here on a thread about stages that acceptance and loneliness are a reality.

Nah, you are not acknowledging that many LBSers feel that marriage is indissoluble and so we are in a situation that doesn't allow us to be in a relationship with someone who is not our spouse.. We are not all like you and as I stated, there are many many reasons why we feel "lonely"

The only way to get to the next stage, acceptance, is to really let go.  The only other choice is to wallow until death.

We often talk about them getting stuck.  We talk about them projecting. 

Maybe we are the ones projecting.

Letting go..it is not that easy for some people. You don't just wake up and say, ok, I let go. And indeed, even when you "let go", whatever that means, there are still the realities of living alone. It does not mean that we have not "accepted"...no I got to that stage a very long time ago. I don't even know what you mean by "projecting". What am I projecting?

If I had cancer, I may be able to accept the diagnosis but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I have a shoulder issue, I should have surgery but it means 6 weeks in a sling and not  being able to use of my right arm. No driving. That is just one thing that makes it being alone difficult, especially as I am aging, because the idea of being unable to use my right arm for at least 6 weeks and longer due to rehab seems somewhat impossible to me without having someone who is able to be there with me. Yes, I have wonderful friends...but I learned after my knee replacement that they think I'm ok...asking for help is difficult and I really had to tell them what I needed....it was a horrible experience for me.

Nah

The only other choice is to wallow until death.

That is pretty negative...there are many other choices in how we live our lives...we do not "wallow" because we continue to remain faithful to our sacramental marriage.  My life is anything but wallowing.

I will not "accept" that somehow I am a failure because I still miss and love my husband. Whether you mean it or not, that is the way you come across to me...that somehow we have "failed" at accepting what has happened instead of celebrating that we have the strength to show the world that families and marriages are not disposable.