[Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)]

Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)

Denial (shock, confusion)

1 (1.7%)

Bargaining (trying to figure out why, planning, adjusting)

1 (1.7%)

Anger (fear, resentment)

3 (5.1%)

Depression (despair, exhaustion)

13 (22%)

Acceptance (detachment, calm, control)

33 (55.9%)

Renewal

8 (13.6%)

Total Members Voted: 59

Voting closed: October 27, 2017, 04:41:15 AM

[Cold River]

Hi Treasur, Brain everyone.

I want to join this discussion but feel like I'm too new to this also but will give it a try. My views I guess are just from where I am at in the process.

OK. Step 2...now we describe the problem as factually as we can. How often does it happen? What are you doing or not doing when it is happening? What else happens? What else? Who notices?

For me I think of the end result. What am I going through all of this for? Where do I hope to be when this ends (if it ever does)?  It changes everyday, sometimes many times a day...it just does.

Trying to work on myself while dealing with life and the complications my MLCer throws at it. The lack of having my W support and participation in our family, not just the As but her personality change. (That was noticeable months before BD.) 

My lack of experience with a break up of any sort makes me a little retarded to the situation. My W was my first everything(relationship, lover, true best friend, etc).

Describe the problem as factually as we can. How often does it happen?
For me right now it is more then just she is having As being the problem.  That part stings, causes me some pain fear paranoia etc... The other problems I see like the spew, the damage to her relationships with me and the girls, the irrational thought, the financial instability, the mind games with everyone, the indisiciveness etc. Is more of the problem for me then the As themselves. It all goes together and day by day or minute by minute she will switch it up like A kid at the controls that wants to pull every lever.

So trying to base where I'm at and maybe it is minute by minute, is sometimes a challenge. I think all of these things to me simplified is the lack of love. That is the problem for me everyday. All of what she is doing just tells me the love is gone. REJECTION!
I think I expect her to love me. Why wouldn't she? I didn't switch my personality up to cause this but I'm having to in reaction to this. She can't show it right now. Then the struggle with her behaviors and at some point I get to feeling like that is not a reasonable thought. You don't act this way when you love somebody or your family. It honestly is easier to feel like she hates me and its been brewing in her for some time. I think that is what I am doing when its happening. I still expect her love.

I think about that sometimes when none of this seems to bother her. The lack of empathy for me and the kids is a complete 180 from the person I know. She has the experience of heartbreak. I don't, at least not from a relationship. She's been in a controlling and abusive relationship. Its strange alot of who/what she is now reminds me of her past relationship with the oldest daughters bio dad.

Sorry half awake and rambling.

What else and who notices
I cycle these dang emotions over and over. Somethi g that bothered me this morning does not bother me the same now.

Who notices I guess would be the kids no matter which part of the cycle I'm in. I'm usually good about my mask in public but its also not much of a mask when I get away from her or the situation. I am genuinely a friendly person. Like you Treasur I've lost weight. I have to make myself eat. My kids see it. Heck the MLCer thinks I don't eat for days smh.... I didn't at first but I do need routine.

The more this goes on and what I read the more I look at my relationship with her as an addiction. She is what I think or feel like I want but is not healthy for me either. I have to work my steps to break the cycles and get back to being myself. It was not always unhealthy but I think that addiction to how she made me feel was always there...

Sorry this was long and I could be totally missing the question.

[Mortesbride]

How often does it happen?
Right now I am in the early stages after BD so it can happen hourly.

What am I doing when its happening?
Emotional cycling can be triggered by the smallest thought, image, song on the radio...

What else happens?
I feel myself trying to erect the barriers I had when I was younger. To sorta numb my feelings and disconnect.

Who notices?
I only talk to this forum, and my one friend. She has to hear a lot of my drama so I try to only go to her when I really need it, as not to bother her. But there is no one else.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

MB, I'm glad you have a friend who listens to you.

[Treasur]

Dearest Cold River - you weren't rambling, you're just reeling because you're in the early stages of the shock and 'how can this be' stage. I am so sorry. It is unbelievably painful and bewildering I know. We've been there and we know.

The stages are:
Denial - what will make this all go away?
Bargaining - what is this and how can I stop/fix my MLCer?
Anger - is it my fault, MLC vs are they just a horrible person?
Despair - how can I survive this?
Acceptance - how can I live with it?
Renewal - what should I do now?

Like Mortesbride above, your biggest challenge right now is likely to be about the emotional shock. This is happening. You can't control your spouse. Your brain and heart are in shock.

What do you think would help you manage the shock best right now? What are you doing already? Baby, tiny things, not big things - anything that is helping you put one foot in front of the other? Please don't worry about big stuff, this is like being in the ER - your priority is to keep yourself breathing and upright.

[Anjae]

Treasur, Renewal is not What Should I Do Now? In Renewal we know exactly what to do (or not to do).

[Treasur]

Treasur, Renewal is not What Should I Do Now? In Renewal we know exactly what to do (or not to do).

I meant it in the sense of 'do with my life next', but you may be right Anjae

[Mortesbride]

Right now I have written down a post it note of all the things I need to do.

Little things like making appointments, boiler check, buy halloween costumes for the kids...

Big things like finish learning to drive, get a job, find child care.

Just going to work on ticking them off, one at a time. Whatever I can do that day big or small.

I am requesting to postpone my study this year. I have worked hard over the last 4 years, and I want to get my first class honours degree. I am on track to do so, but I feel like I will not be able to devote the time and energy into it this year. My brain is all over the place, and I have to sort out a job, finances, and all the rest. I WILL NOT lose my degree because of what he has done.

[Treasur]

OK. Step 2...now we describe the problem as factually as we can. How often does it happen? What are you doing or not doing when it is happening? What else happens? What else? Who notices?

Brain, you and me are playing - anyone else?

Right, my problem..... how to build a different life when I liked a lot of the old one.

How often does it happen? Every day but for shorter periods of time now.
What am I doing/not doing? Spending time dealing with the left-over rubble of my old life, paperwork and possessions. Spending time on this board. Reading things about MLC, depression, infidelity, trauma. Not spending time with old or new friends, so still hiding away a bit. Not focusing on my business. Not making concrete plans or commitments for more than about a month ahead. Still avoiding some things that need action or decisions.
What else happens? I still only sleep in short bursts and wake up very early. I don't eat much and never cook. I still have conversations in my head with my H sometimes. I talk about him/the D to mutual friends more than I talk about my own life. The house is a mess, and I no longer have a daily routine. I am struggling to stop smoking. I walk a lot. I run sometimes. I make plans but often cancel or change them. I still cry sometimes. I read a lot, but don't watch tv. I no longer try to influence my H. I don't snoop and I don't expect much of him and choose limited contact with him.
Who notices? My day-to-day life is pretty invisible to anyone else. My friends notice if I talk about my H. My friends notice if I stop returning their calls or go quiet for a few days. My friends who live near me notice if I am thinner or seem anxious or am smoking more. My L and estate agent notice when I am slow to respond. My work contacts notice that I seem to be unavailable and too busy to meet them. The lady in the local supermarket (who suffered from depression herself) notices if I seem cheerful or down when I go in most days to buy milk, cat food and cigarettes. Oh, and my cat notices that he is not getting as much attention as he used to.

Let's see if anyone else joins us on Step 2 in the next couple of days, Brain? Step 3 will be about picking some things to stop, start and continue, small actions that focus on the behaviours associated with the problem

So, if you've identified the main problem?
Then looked at it in terms of behaviours and facts?
Now it's time to ask the magic question....If you went to bed tonight, and an invisible magic wand was waved so you woke up tomorrow morning and the problem had been resolved....how would you know? What would be the first small signs that the problem was no longer a problem?

Looking to my problem...how to build a different life when I liked a lot of the old one and some of my reflections on the facts about it....

I think I would wake up in a house that felt like a calm, ordered home and as I made my first cup of coffee (without a cigarette), my head would be busy thinking about a 'to do' list that was about new work, spending time with new people and on new activities that were nothing to do with the past 2 years.

[Not Applicable]

You know, it just rubs me the wrong way that we are being asked to describe our "problem." Call it a challenge, call it anything else, but this to me feels like an exercise in looking at the glass half empty and I don't find it helpful at all toward dealing with this MLC.

[Shocked]

Treasur, I imagine you are better than you were a month ago. And then you  be bit better next month. You are doing a good job looking for a healing process that works for you!!!
We all learn coping skills from each other. That’s why we are here!!! Being open to new ideas will help you take the baby steps forward.
You have asked a bunch of questions I am better at answering one at a time. On how often it happens is daily. Truly hourly. My big question is why can’t I turn it off? Where is that magic switch???