[Trustandlove]

Putting responsabillity elsewhere rather than on themselves is a thing they do. That helps them dealing with the stuff they make and justifying OW/OM or justify to OW/OM why they left us, etc.
 

Absolutely -- that's crystal clear.  I guess it's shocking to me that it's still going on even after all this time. 

And I know that he does know what hurts me most, and so he does that....  does he know why?  Probably it's back down to putting responsibility elsewhere.  I read somewhere that, for example, telling someone they made you feel bad meant that the person saying so had poor personal boundaries, not knowing where they stopped and the other began.  Another hallmark of MLCers, esp. if you read that famous list that's on the resources thread....

It's also about control; if they can hurt you where it hurts most they can control you....

And I agree about the lower-level repeated trauma; it's not so visible, so you question your own sanity more, rather than if it's so very obvious (not that I would wish that on anyone....) it's easier, if that can be said, to see that it's really nuts. 

FWIW, I am starting to recognise that I'm dealing with effects from the repeated trauma; it's bringing up childhood things as well....  but at least I can take steps now.

x

[offmyrocker]

WGH

thank you for posting these links... during my h last hospital stay I was actually looking ito a rehab that used CBT as a major part of recovery for substance abuse and mental illness... unfortunately my h got his running shoes on again to "cure" himself.

thank you for posting them. I've got them bookmarked in case the MLC tide turns again

OMR

[With Gods Help!]

I  watched this and it made me cry.........haven't looked at the rest of the site yet but thought it may be of interest for the guys especially those who need to see return stories with regards to the female............not sure if its MLC but from the description from her and her h it could well be xxxxxxxxxxxx

http://powertochange.com/iamsecond/i-do-again

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

WGH is right.  Guys be sure you download & read the sample chapter of Cheryl's book:

http://www.hopeformarriages.com/resources/

She was sure she had found her soulmate and wanted a divorce from her h.  So sure!!

[Sands]

Divorced 7 Years!!!!  Then said, "I Do" Again!  Thanks for sharing WGH!

[Standing in Patience]

Oh oh oh, please tell us the names of books/movies/DVDs/cassettes/brochures/papyrus that have stories with good endings for us wives with wayward husbands. Love to hear they came home before they officially separated, divorced. Or after divorced with or without an AP involved.

Love a very happy ending. Thank you.

[Thundarr]

7 years? Forget that!!  I cannot endure 7 years of this, and honestly take one step at a time still.  No can do.

[Dontgiveup]

7 years? Forget that!!  I cannot endure 7 years of this, and honestly take one step at a time still.  No can do.

Thundarr

RCR wrote in one of your threads about the influence you can have over others.  Here was part of your response.  Certainly you can post whatever you feel, but influence is not something to be lightly regarded.

I've often been brutally honest about what I was thinking and feeling over the past few months, and in real life the ones I vent to have ensured their own safety nets so that no vicarious traumatization occurs.  That is not the case with everyone here, and I see now how I have come across to others.  I will have to be more cautious going forward as the last thing I would ever want to do is to make someone who is feeling as bad as I have feel even worse.  That goes against everything I believe in, as well as the credo we live by: "Do No Harm."  It is beyond time for me to shift my focus away from my W and more to doing what I do best (or at least ASPIRE to do best) which is to help guide others to a better place.  I may still be blunt at times, as I am in RL, but just as Ready has perfected so well it will be with a gentle hand.

[Thundarr]

DGU,

I understand what you are saying but I doubt that many would look to stand for 7 years.  There are covenant keepers here, and my own M is a covenant marriage, but no one should be expected to stand for that length of time especially given many of the circumstances.  My D11 would be an adult, and I would not want her to go that long without a mother in her life.

[StillStanding]

There are covenant keepers here, and my own M is a covenant marriage, but no one should be expected to stand for that length of time especially given many of the circumstances.

Maybe I'm unclear on the concept of covenant marriages, but I thought that was exactly what you were agreeing to when you made your marriage a covenant marriage.